Easter ~ A Marriage Resurrected!

Dear Friends,

During this Easter season let's be reminded that the Resurrected Christ is able to bring a dead marriage back to life... 

Read this amazing story! ~Emerson

A Marriage Resurrected!

About 6 years ago my husband and I were in a terrible place in our marriage. We had just welcomed our 2nd child into our little family. Unfortunately she came into a not so healthy marriage/family. My husband and I were very unloving and disrespectful to each other and we were barely hanging in there.

When our daughter was 6 months old our marriage was rocked by infidelity and we separated. I was devastated and left with a precious 3 year old son and beautiful 6 month old baby girl. My biggest fear all my life was to be a single parent. I grew up in a broken home (actually never met my earthly father) and had several step-fathers. My husband also came from a broken home (his dad exited when he was a baby). It was a dark and depressing time in our lives. We were not attending church and honestly did not have a real relationship with Christ.

While we were separated a dear friend of mine suggested we meet with her small group leaders and by God’s great plan they had another couple there that my husband and I immediately connected with. At this time we both had divorce attorneys and had little hope. The couple that we connected with became Godly mentors to us. They kept in touch with us, encouraged us and always pointed us back to the Lord.

During this time I began going to church and was doing a lot of reading recommended by my mentor…I realized very quickly I had been disrespecting my husband since day one! It was a shot to the heart. I sat down, wrote him an email and asked for forgiveness for being so disrespectful...It was like blinders had been removed from my eyes. I was at a place of brokenness in understanding my huge part in where our marriage was and how I had hurt this man that I loved deeply. I quickly realized how controlling and disrespectful I had been; I also realized that type of behavior was what I had seen in my own family for years and had a deeper understanding of why my mother’s relationships always failed. I did not want to be a failure.

My husband began coming to church with me and God was doing an amazing work in him as well. I witnessed God break him down and rebuild him, me, and our family. It was a season of hard growth, forgiveness and witnessing miracles. It took about 2 years for us to come out of the storm; there were lots of good days and bad days until one day we looked around and the bad days were very far and few between.

We have since led the Love and Respect small group 8 times (around 100 couples)! This concept played a pivotal role in changing the tide in our marriage from divorce to reconciliation. We have started a new ministry in our church called Marriage Mentoring. We have an intense desire to help marriages, and we believe if two stubborn, selfish people like us could let God change our hearts, well anyone can!!

Your ministry helped save our marriage! If it was not for your book we would be unhappy, bitter, divorced parents continuing a legacy of divorce and a broken family to our beautiful children. The world is full of hurting marriages and if they could apply even a small amount of this message it would change the legacy we are leaving.

~Shannon & April

If you have a testimony of how the Love & Respect message 

has impacted your marriage, we invite you to share that with us here. 

FAQ: I am no longer in love with my husband. In fact, I don’t believe I ever loved him. Wouldn’t it be better for both of us if we get a divorce?

Can I lovingly challenge you?  You are hurting and are about to make a major and I believe a wrong decision.  Pull back.  I cannot justify a divorce based on your report here.

I don't know if you are a Christ-follower, but my view of marriage is based on Christ's commands in the Bible.  God hates divorce, and only allows for biblical divorce based on desertion or adultery.  I assume from your letter that this is not the case for you.  You are saying you do not love your husband and never did love him, therefore you want a divorce. But this is not biblical.  In fact, marriages in biblical times were pre-arranged and "love" as we define it was not even considered.  Half of the marriages around the world are assigned by parents. In these cases, two people learn to love one another.

We know that a person can learn to love and that love does develop and deepen over time.  In fact, even couples who are madly infatuated with one another on their wedding day will have to face this reality over time.  The "feelings" of love disappear as the difficulties of life take over.  Every couple experiences this.  "Love" as they knew it on their wedding day fades.  This is why the divorce rate is out of control. Couples no longer believe in commitment, so they divorce as soon as those feelings of love disappear.  You may not have felt that love even on your wedding day, but today your situation is no different than countless others who "lose" the feeling of love.

We live in a culture where feelings determine everything.  You may have fallen victim to this and now feel overwhelmed by what appears as total darkness and despair.

So, your greatest struggle is to trust and obey Jesus Christ during this time, and act in loving ways because of your faith in Him.  Is this possible?  I believe it is.  In fact, this is what the Bible teaches.  This is God's design for marriage, that we love our spouse AS UNTO CHRIST and not because we FEEL love or because they DESERVE love. (For more understanding on this, read chapters 23 and 24 on The Rewarded Cycle in the book Love and Respect.)


Do the love and respect principles "work" when we do not feel love or respect for our spouse?  Absolutely!  This is what it is all about – giving to someone else no matter what we feel!  I know this sounds impossible and it may even sound harsh to you.  But what if feelings of love for your husband develop after you act in obedience to Christ?  I believe this is not only possible, it is quite likely.  As you get outside of yourself and focus more on the other person, amazing things can happen.


Husband or wife, to abandon your marriage because of your feelings is a grave mistake.  The consequences for this will be serious, both in your soul and in your heart. Christ's commands are there to protect us, not to punish us.  He knows the consequences of divorce will be grave.  He wants to spare you from this because He loves you deeply.


So what should you do?  Find a godly wise mentor who will come alongside you and support you in living out the Rewarded Cycle.  Put your faith in Christ and trust Him with your marriage.  Fulfill the commitment you made on your wedding day, as you made the vow to love in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, so long as you both shall live.  As you focus on your relationship with Christ, He will strengthen you to stay the course and He will give you the desires of your heart!

Are you allowing God to encourage you, or have you closed off to Him?

~Emerson

FAQ: What if we Started our Marriage all Wrong?

Last week I encouraged you to look back on how God brought you and your spouse together.  But what if you weren’t following God when you married?  In fact, what if you started your marriage all wrong?  Does God give us a pass and allow us to walk away and start over?

Aside from the marriage statistics that reveal second and third marriages have even greater chances of failure, there are many reasons to stay together rather than walk away.  In J. Waite’s book, The Case for Marriage, comprehensive research findings have staggered the thinking of many.  In studying unhappy couples – and we mean unhappy – scholars sought to know how many of these couples remained miserable if they stayed in the marriage.  Five years after reporting their unhappiness in marriage, seventy percent of the unhappiest couples testified that they were “very” or “quite” happy in their marriage.  Only 12 percent of very unhappily married couples who stuck it out were still unhappy.  Though good marriages go bad, bad marriages go good!

Bottom line:  No matter what brought you together, if you put your trust in God right here, right now, and determine to do marriage God’s way…there is hope for you. 

Here is a testimony that illustrates even a couple who started out all wrong, can turn things around:

My husband and I rushed into our relationship, rushed to move in together and rushed to get married - never acknowledging our issues until after we were married. Before I found your book, we were actually at the point where we were thinking  our marriage was a mistake. When I brought your book home I told my husband that this would be “the last straw to making our marriage work" and asked him if he would read it with me.
 Well we began your book, and I can see changes happening in our marriage, and in the friendship that my husband and I have together. It is an indescribable feeling to be reading a passage in your book and be like "Wow - is that me?” or “Do I really act like this?” So Thank You! Thank You! We are beginning to have the marriage that we always wanted to have with each other!!!

Does your marriage feel hopeless?  Don’t give up!  Rely on the Lord to show you what he wants you to learn through this time.  The couple in the testimony above were teachable…asking themselves, “Is that me?  Do I really act like this?”  What does God want to teach you during this tough season in your marriage?  It’s not too late if you put your hope and trust in God!

~Emerson

FAQ: What if I Married the Wrong Person?

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“My husband and I have had problems since our first year of marriage. I seriously believe I married the wrong person.  Do I need to stay stuck in this marriage and be miserable the rest of my life?”

Most of us are familiar with the phrase “until death do you part” in the wedding vows. The Christian view is that marriage is for keeps, but this is a value that is under constant attack in our present-day culture. But, most people do believe they were right for one another when they said “I do.”  So ask yourself what has changed since you walked down that aisle?

Matthew 19:6 says, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”  Jesus’ words are a powerful reminder that God has joined you together, not some human legal requirement. I hear from many couples who are very sure of this.  Regardless of marital bumps, they say, “We know God brought us together.”

When you got married, did you believe God brought you together? Think back to how that happened. How was God’s hand evident?  When times get tough, it’s tempting to second guess the decisions that brought us there.  But good counsel during such times is, “Don’t doubt in the dark what God showed you in the light.”  In other words, few couples walk down the aisle convinced they are making a mistake! But once the problems of marriage come, we tend to focus on only the negative and forget the good that brought us together.

Sincere believers start out wanting to keep their vows, but for many, something goes awry on the road to wedded bliss. One spouse writes: “I believe in my heart that God brought us together, but we can’t talk to each other at all without getting into a huge fight.” And another says: “Because we felt so strongly that God led us together, we were so puzzled that after only one year we were so unhappy and having so much conflict.”

If you are feeling “stuck” in a cycle of conflict, you are not alone.  We call this the Crazy Cycle! As Paul says, “Those who marry will face many troubles” (1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV). For precisely this reason, Sarah and I are committed to spreading the word about the Love & Respect Connection. This Connection can keep the marriage bond strong and, if necessary, heal hurts and pain from the past.  There is hope! 

Reread Matthew 19:6 carefully. You and your spouse are one, joined together by God, not to be separated by anyone. I used to think it took a third party to break up a marriage; now I realize the greatest danger lies within. Having challenges in your marriage does not mean you or God made a mistake; it simply means you must learn to do marriage God’s way:  obey His command to love and respect with renewed faith and commitment. If anything will kill a marriage it is anger, suspicion, and failing to give each other the benefit of the doubt. God brought us together and He will keep us together as we do our marriage as unto Him.

Have you turned to God to help you keep together what He has brought together?  God does not intend for you to be miserable. He is a God of hope, who came that you might have abundant life!  Check out our website for resources that will help you discover how to do marriage God’s way.  Resolve today to stop the crazy cycle in your marriage!

~Emerson

A Different Valentine’s Day Story…

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Valentine’s Day is one of those special days like Christmas…it’s all about showing love to those who are the most special to us.  We know we should love Valentine’s Day and we should look forward to it with great anticipation.  

But many of us don’t.

For men, the pressure can be huge.  How can we measure up to the female expectation out there?  We come to dread the day.

For women, it often feels like a set-up for disappointment when we don’t get anything romantic from that special someone.  Or... worse yet…we don’t even have a special someone who loves us romantically.  We get depressed thinking about it.

Awhile back I heard from a man who experienced a big problem with Valentine’s Day. He wrote asking how he could “fix” this problem and together we figured out how to turn a losing situation into a win-win.  Read on for a different kind of Valentine’s story.

Dear Dr E,
My wife and I were always on the Crazy Cycle and ended up separated for 2 years.  During this time she gave me your book.  I read the whole book in two nights…it really opened my eyes to a great deal of the problems that we were facing.  So I took your advice and began a new chapter in our lives.  I went to my wife, told her I was sorry for all my words and actions that I did that were unloving to her.  I also told her that some of her past words and actions were disrespectful to me but that I should have talked to her about them at the time instead of keeping things bottled up (stonewalling).  I know the road is going to be long and hard, but for the first time in the past 2 years I see real hope for us.

Here is my SERIOUS problem.  I moved out of the house on February 14th…Yep, Valentine’s Day.  On the day I moved out I wasn’t thinking at all about it being Valentine’s Day, and now every February 14^th brings back hurt and pain to both of us.  Do you have any recommendation at all as to how we should deal with future Valentine’s Days so that we can reclaim that day as one of love and respect? 

Emerson says: Your words are a powerful testimony.  In answer to your question, here is one thought. The Bible says, “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more (Romans 5:20).”  In your case, see the sinful Valentine’s Day as a day also that resulted in God’s grace coming to you in a greater way.

Because that Valentine’s Day was so sinful to you, see that as something which triggered God’s grace.  Your sin, as bad as it was, resulted in you seeking God’s forgiveness and your wife’s.  The irony is this:  because of your sin, you experienced God’s grace.

Let me insert, the critics of Paul, who wrote Romans 5:20, said that he was encouraging people to sin in order to receive God's grace. But Paul countered in Romans 6:1,2, "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be!" In other words, when we sin, God's grace can come. But we don't sin in order for God's grace to come.

In your case, you sinned and sought God's forgiveness. As a result, God has given you a greater grace. So, in that sense, thank God for Valentine's Day. Consequently, each time Valentine's Day reminds you of your sin, go one step further and let it remind you that you have God's greater grace.

The cross of Jesus was a cruel and evil means of execution but God turned the cross into the means of redemption. Let God take your sin and turn it into something good.
~Emerson

This husband took this challenge as a man of honor.  He responded:  “I will strive to make every Valentine's Day from here on out my personal day of redemption.  I will strive to show my wife that although I sinned, I have repented and will use each and every Valentine's Day to show her that.  Thank you.”

How about you?  Does Valentine’s Day hold bad memories for you?  Will you vow to turn this day of “love” into a day of redemption?  No matter what your situation, thank God for His forgiveness and grace!  Let this Valentine’s Day be a new beginning for you…whether this means starting anew in your relationship, or releasing bitterness over a past relationship.  Extend forgiveness whether it is towards yourself or towards your loved one.  Our God is a God of redemption…even on Valentine’s Day!

Happy Love & Respect Valentine’s Day to all!

~Emerson

          

Trust God to Work

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Perhaps the major problem that keeps so many couples somewhere between the Crazy Cycle and the Energizing Cycle is the fear that, even though they try to practice the Love and Respect Connection, it won’t work.  Or, that they will be the only one in the marriage trying, and their spouse won’t reciprocate.

To these couples, my advice is always the same:  Don’t give up because it doesn’t seem to be working.  Keep showing your spouse unconditional love and unconditional respect.  Look for even the slightest improvements.  A husband doesn’t bring flowers, but he does fix the leaky faucet.  The wife still has a headache more than you like, but she has toned down the negativity. 

Here’s an example of a wife who felt nothing was happening but later was amazed.  She called her ex-husband and apologized because she hadn’t always respected his position in their home.  (She is a Christian, and he is not.)  There was silence, and then he responded, “Thank you.”  That ended the conversation, but several days later he called back at midnight in tears, wondering why she had made her apology.  She explained she had to ask forgiveness for not being what she should have been as a wife.  Again, the conversation ended abruptly.  Not much seemed to be happening.  Another week passed, and again he called at midnight.  He had been thinking of everything he had done, and he was sorry.  He went on about all of his mistakes – “some of the few kind words he has ever said to me.”

In another situation, a wife moved out and bought another home.  I coached the husband on how to behave toward her in more loving ways.  This went on for some time, and he was seeing little progress.  Then one day she said, “Are you wanting me to beg you to ask me to come back home?”

The above are just a few examples of what can happen.  Don’t give up because weeks or months pass with no response.  Don’t interpret delay as defeat.  Don’t assume that what you are doing is unfruitful.  Most often, love or respect is working on your spouse more than you realize.  Something is transpiring in the soul of that person.  Have confidence that God will work.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Loveand Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.                                            

                                                       

                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

from Michael Hyatt: "What I Learned About Leadership From A Fight With My Wife"

My friend Michael Hyatt is one of the most profound writers on leadership that I know.  His recent blog post linking leadership principles to marital conflict resolution did not disappoint. 


Check out his transparent and insightful post: "What I Learned About Leadership From A Fight With My Wife."


~Emerson

{BUSTING} Marriage Myths!

Busting Marriage Myths?

We have all heard the sad statistics of failed marriages, but what is the real story?  


Could there be an anti-marriage agenda out there to discourage people against marriage?  


Recently I came across a light hearted yet truthful article that deserves attention. 
According to this article, there’s good news on marriage – especially among people of faith.

Read and be encouraged!

~Emerson

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The Power of a Mother

As a child I remember my mother wanting only one thing from us on Mother's Day - that we would obey and try to get along with one another. She said that would mean more to her than any gift. I found myself through the years asking the same of my children. Recently our adult son David, not knowing what to give me, asked if that's still all I wanted. We laughed about that.

As Mother’s Day approaches, we Moms look forward to being celebrated. Read how my friend Lisa learned that by listening to God, He blessed her family in ways she never dreamed were possible. This is the greatest gift a Mother can receive!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Sarah Eggerichs

*********

I vividly remember where I was standing in my kitchen when I felt God speak to my heart. I knew it had to be Him because it moved me to the deepest core of my being and was the complete opposite of what I was feeling in my flesh. “Lisa how will you teach your children to have faith in Me, when you can’t trust Me with your marriage? How will you look them in the eyes in years to come when they ask you, ‘Mommy why didn’t you try one more time?’ How will you tell them you couldn’t?”

My marriage was a disaster. We were heading towards divorce and I had three very young children. It was so bad, a Christian counselor told me to throw my husband out to get his attention. I loved God and I had seen Him rescue me from some pretty tough things. But could He fix THIS? Would He?

Dr. Emerson and Sarah’s book Motivating Your Man God’s Way was mailed to me by a friend. I read it. Respect unconditionally?? Are you kidding me? Forget it - that seems ridiculous. Yet, it was the ONLY thing I hadn’t tried. Twenty self-help and marriage books, counselors, threats of leaving, yelling, tears, stone cold silence, none of that worked.

I decided to bite the bullet. I was determined to show respect even when I did not feel like it. Then when that didn’t work I could still look God and my children in the eyes and say “I did all I could.” At the time my husband did not join in and do his part of Ephesians 5:33. So when times got really tough and I wanted to quit this obedience thing due to a lack of “results,” God dropped the “how will you teach your children…” bomb.

As wives and mothers we have a powerful appointment by God. He has entrusted us with children who are his blessings. We are told to “train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it” (Prov 22:6).

If we don’t honor God in our marriages, where our children have a front row seat (regardless of their age), how will we show them the blessings and protection God desires to give us? How will we show them that God can move on our behalf if we just get out of His way?

I am grateful that God gave me His instruction for marriage in Ephesians 5:33 and the tools from Love & Respect Ministries. As I obeyed this very challenging scripture, God moved and radically transformed my marriage and my family! I give Him all the glory.

I honor all mothers as Mother’s Day approaches. You have a very high calling. You also serve a very powerful loving God. I want to encourage you that by being obedient to God’s word on marriage you will not be a doormat! You will become a welcome mat to His power. See what God can do in you and through you so that Proverbs 31:28 will become a reality in your family for generations to come: “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her…”

Lisa Shea

Watch Lisa’s video testimony on our website here.

A Redeeming Love Story

Recently I learned of a blogger named Ange who posted a Love and Respect Testimonial on her blog for Valentine’s Day. Ange met the author of this testimony, Kristin, at her daughter’s preschool and invited her to a Love and Respect Video Conference. As I read this testimony, it brought tears to my eyes. I thought, if only someone like Ange had reached out to my Mom and Dad as she reached out to Kristin - maybe they wouldn’t have gone through such a tragic cycle of divorce, remarriage, and separation.

I never saw my Dad kiss my Mom, except one time, and it is vivid in my memory. But the precious and meaningful scene lost its gripping magnitude when I later learned my Dad had returned from an out of state trip with another woman, and his embracing kiss with Mom became hollow, not holy. Even so, Christ later called my Dad to Himself, and then later called him to heaven where Dad is free from all those things that contributed to him becoming the victim of the enemy. I never hated my Dad, nor did my Mom – nor did the Lord who found in my Dad a man that He wished to embrace, forever.

Here is Ange’s introduction to the testimony by Kristin. I share it with permission from all concerned. Thank you, Ange for sharing with someone you hardly knew. God used you to save their marriage! And thank you, Kristin and Tom, for opening your hearts to the truth of Love and Respect!

We salute you!
~Emerson


FEBRUARY 13, 2011
A Redeeming Love Story

In honor of Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I would share a little love story with you. First I'll give you some background. My husband and I are hosting a marriage conference in our city this year, it's called Love & Respect. We were first introduced to the message of Love & Respect about 6 years ago through some friends. It was a video series on marriage and it was phenomenal!

We hosted our first Love & Respect Marriage Conference last year and it was a hit!

While promoting the conference last year, I invited a lady from my daughter's preschool to attend the conference. We didn't really know each other but I'm not shy and so I just casually mentioned it to her. Here's the rest of the story, in her own words.............

A Love & Respect Testimonial

Wow, Love & Respect. Who would've thought that was the answer to a loving, lasting relationship! We are so blind.

My story, or our story I should say, starts with a 20 year marriage, four children and a life of the two of us being a complete blur.
I (Kristin) after having our fourth child and her turning four years of age, my life or my eyes just opened up like I just woke up to a bad dream. I mean I was living in a bad dream and couldn't get out of it. I was raising four kids, working as a school teacher of a classroom s

ize from 12-15 kids, then home doing all the home stuff. Something was missing, hmmm, what was it? Wow, a husband! Where is my husband?!? It was like he was or had just turned into one of the kids in my mind. I was the mother, the caretaker, the maid, you name it, that was me! Yuck!

I became very, very depressed and some days I don't even know how I functioned. When I did realize I needed my husband it was too late, he was already set in his ways of doing his thing, coming and going to work, having his fun with his buddies, you know the guy story and what guys do. But when they do get home, they want clean clothes and they want to eat! Wow, I felt as if I wasn't loved! So, after 20 years of marriage, I filed for divorce.

Our youngest was starting preschool; at a school I never thought I'd have one of our

children attend as all of them went to a Catholic school system. But, I think I was looking for a change, looking for something that would wake me up to something different, something to make me happy, to fill my void of not feeling loved!

One day after taking my daughter to this preschool class, a mother was talking to a group of ladies about her husband and some issues that they had. I opened my ears a little more thinking, this is interesting and I wish I had what that lady has, a smile on her face while talking

about her husband and that her husband loves her!!!

Ok, let me interject here, this is Ange again. I remember asking Kristen if she wanted to attend the marriage conference and she couldn't but she was interested in learning more about it, so I gave her the website address. Later that day she called me at home and wanted to know if I had the videos and if she could watch them, right away. Back to her story!

This lady who gave them to me had no idea who I was or if I even had any problems. I immediately called my husband at work, well soon to be ex-husband, and asked him "Do you feel respected, I mean respected by me?" I was shocked to his answer (now, I haven't talked to my husband in some time as he wasn't living at our residence anymore because of me filing for divorce), his answer was...NO!

I couldn't believe it, I immediately felt guilty for everything, my husband doesn't feel respected! With tears in my eyes, I was trying to tell him I had these videos I'd like to share with him. But I had no idea what they were really even about.
Now, this man of mine is a man who doesn't sit on the couch and watch videos, especially videos with the word Love, he'd run! He is also the kind of man that never holds your hand in public, kisses you in front of anyone or says I love you in front of someone, no way, out of the question!! Well he came over to watch the videos. I was so scared, I was shaking in my shoes. So I just plugged in the first one and cranked the volume.

To our surprise, we sat there not saying a word, just listening to what this Dr. Emerson had to say, he was so right about what he was saying! Women, respect your man and men, love your woman! So powerful and so true! I couldn't believe that my man was actually getting into it, quiet at times and then laughing, actually laughing! Oh, I was falling for this man all over again. A man I hated an hour ago, a man I've been married to for 20 years and filed for divorce on. All this man wanted was respect and I would get what I was yearning and looking for all these years from him, Love!
We watched all 5 videos that night!!!

We started doing things together and family things - a lot of family things. Plus, the two of us doing things together as a couple was a no-no in his book but now he asks me to be involved in everything he has going on and shares everything with me. We talk, we never did that before!

He never wore his wedding ring. One day, out of the blue he just said, "Kristin, it’s the coming of Easter and doesn't that mean a new beginning? Easter - rebirth?" I said, “Yes it does, what are you getting at?" He said he wanted to wear a new wedding ring not his old one and I would have a matching one for our new beginning!

He kisses me in front of our children. Our children have never seen that ever from us. They say "Oh! Gross!" and we kiss more. He says "I love you" to his children, that is something that would just never happen. All these firsts are so fresh that it's kind of scary.

For a man to do all this for his woman and family - something he has never done before and something he would never try because men just don't do that, he truly is a change

d man! He wants his wife and family sincerely from his heart!

With all this, I dismissed the divorce. We are reconciled and the rest is history!

One last thing, he never slept in our bed for the past 14 years. Don't ask me how we had children because I don't know! Now we sleep together in the same bed with him very tight next to me, holding my hand until we fall asleep. He also calls me every day from work to say "I love you."

I have tears as I write this- this all sounds too good to be true but it isn't, I'm living it! Thank you God!

So please, if you are struggling, watch Dr. Emerson, if he can wake us up, he can do the same for you. You are together for a reason - God brought you together for a reason. We still have issues and that comes in a marriage but now we work them out and understand where all the issues come from!

With Love & Respect,

Tom & Kristin

"Hope" Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4tzTk

SETBACKS

Because of the many financial pressures coming to many good willed couples during this recession, I reflected on the comment that some make that money problems are the cause of divorce. I have never agreed with that comment. Money is a symptom of a deeper issue. Money is not the cause of the divorce.

Let me back up and share with you why I think this way.

Do you remember when you dated and how the relationship progressed positively until your first big fight? At that moment you experienced a setback --a temporary change from better to worse. Or, during the birth of your children you experienced joy immeasurable but as the children grew and entered their teens they treated you like you were from another planet. You experienced a setback -- a temporary change from better to worse. Or, during the first several years of employment your salary and bonuses exceeded expectations, enabling many wonderful purchases, but when the economy entered a recession you hit a financial brick wall. You experienced a setback -- a temporary change from better to worse.

During those disappointing times, as you reflect, how would you rate your emotional maturity, your response to your spouse, and your faith in God?

Often I hear couples say, "if we didn't have these financial problems, we would have a great marriage." Or, "if we didn't struggle sexually, we would have a wonderful relationship." Or, "if we didn't have all these teenage children, our marriage would be thriving."

But I want to challenge that thinking. I don't think that's necessarily true. I remember the comedian who said, "I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better." Indeed, we are happier when life is easier But if we take a dogmatic position that says -- and I'm applying this to marriage -- external circumstances determine my marital happiness then we are destined to unhappiness in our marriage when we encounter serious setbacks. We buy into a lie that says "because I have financial, sexual, and child-rearing problems, my marriage is going to be unhappy."

We may be less happy but we don't have to be unhappy in the marriage. Truth is, we can have a meaningful marriage during the setbacks if we make a choice to trust God, love/respect a spouse, and respond in emotionally mature ways. No one says this choice will be easy but we can make this choice, and when we make this choice each of these areas(trust, love/respect, controlled anger/fear) serves as a track to run on.

I believe we have internal freedom to make the right internal choice. We can experience a measure of happiness in marriage apart from happy happenings. Maybe we won't click our heels with glee but we don't have to pop pills to go to bed and pop pills to get up from bed.

Do we really have this freedom of choice? Look at Job and Job's wife. Both experienced the same events that inflicted suffering upon them. Talk about setbacks! No one envies what they went through. They lost property, servants, children... nearly everything. But notice the difference between Job and his wife. Job made the internal choice during this setback to bless God, refusing to sin with his lips. Notice that he trusted God, did not show hostility toward his wife, and maturely responded (not controlled by anger or fear).

Job 1:20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.
Job 1:21 He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:22 Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.

On the other hand, Job's wife wanted Job to curse God, which suggests she was cursing God. She made the internal choice to shake her fist at heaven, show contempt toward Job, and react foolishly(probably out of anger and fear).

Job 2:9 Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!"
Job 2:10 But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips.

We see clearly with Job and Job's wife that setbacks do not CAUSE our sinful reactions but REVEAL our sinful reactions. For instance, circumstances did not CAUSE Jesus to be the Son of God but REVEALED him to be the Son of God. Let me illustrate it this way. A speck of sand in the human eye first "causes" irritation, then infection, and if not cared for loss of vision. That same speck of sand in an oyster first "causes" irritation, then concretion, and then produces a beautiful pearl. Technically the sand did not CAUSE the loss of vision or produce a pearl. The sand REVEALED the inner properties of the human eye and oyster. If that is not so, the next time sand enters your eye be careful because a pearl may pop out.

In life, these setbacks are irritants which ultimately reveal our faith in God, our willingness to choose love or respect in marriage, and the level of our emotional maturity in response.

Bottom line, my response is my responsibility. For instance, in my marriage to Sarah she does not cause me to react unlovingly but she reveals my unloving reactions. I don't cause her to react disrespectfully but I reveal her disrespectful reactions.

I remember at military school, when I was age 16, I scuffed my spit-shined shoe. I exploded in anger. Just then I felt a hand on my shoulder and a voice saying, "calm down Mr. Eggerichs, calm down." It was the commandant. At that moment, I realized I needed to face myself. It was a serious moment of self-discovery. I didn't get angry because I scuffed my shoe. The scuffing of the shoe revealed my angry way of dealing with setbacks. The scuffing of the shoe surfaced my immaturity.

Sarah recounts in our early marriage coming at me loudly and me responding, "Sarah, you can be right in what you're saying but wrong at the top of your voice." She testifies how that profoundly affected her. She realized the conflict with me was revealing things to her about herself. She chose to respond more respectfully, and gained a great deal of power to influence my heart.

When Sarah had breast cancer and I had melanoma, we had to face off with potential death. For a period of time, we didn't know exactly what the future held. If you were watching from the outside would you expect us to shake a fist at God, shake a fist at each other, and then throw temper tantrums? Why not? Don't bad circumstances cause us to react the way we react? No, I assume you would tell us, if you really cared about us, that such reactions are not being caused by this setback but are revealed by the setback.

What are you going through right now? Are you feeling overwhelmed by a setback like unexpected unemployment, the shocking affair, second deployment, etc.? How will you cope? Will you react like Job or Job's wife? Because you've read this far, I believe you will lean toward the side of Job. My role is to encourage you. I believe in you. Temporarily things are going from better to worse. Don't lose heart. You know how to trust God. You know how to put on love or respect. And, you know how to respond maturely without excessive anger or fear.

Stay the course. Though you will falter like Sarah and I falter, these setbacks will not CAUSE your marriage to go under. Don't buy into the lie that these setbacks destine your marriage to end in a divorce court.

LEARNING FROM THE HEART CRY OF OTHERS

LEARNING FROM THE HEART CRY OF OTHERS

Daily, Sarah and I receive e-mails from people across the nation and around the world that profoundly touch us, and I mean profoundly to the point that we sometimes weep. We're overwhelmed with the tender hearts, teachable spirits, and inner longings of the people who write us. The below e-mail brought tears to our eyes not only because of this woman's personal situation but because she represents so many people right now who if they heard the love and respect message might be able to turn the corner on a marriage that appears destined for collapse. This woman read my book CRACKING THE COMMUNICATION CODE and realized that possibly she could've done things differently. She did not hold herself 100% responsible for the collapse of the marriage but... well, read what she said:

Dear Mr. Eggerichs,
I wish I had read this book 15 years ago. I've been divorced now for almost 10 years and I've tried to put it behind me, wishing the marriage had never happened. During my six year marriage, I went through so much verbal abuse and unloving, even hateful behavior, and when my husband started an ongoing affair, it was almost a relief in a way (as well as extreme pain of his rejection) to know the marriage was over. Ever since then, I blamed him as the reason for a bad marriage and divorce. After reading your book, I realized for the first time how unforgiving and disrespectful I was to him during our marriage. We were definitely on that Crazy Cycle, and at that time I couldn't see how to get off. Today I wept as I read Chapter 7. I am mourning the death of my marriage, and for the first time, I'm actually wishing to go back and start over, instead of wishing it had never happened. Honestly, the principles from your book may not have saved our marriage, but I would have gladly applied them if I had known them. I had repented years ago of my part played in the divorce, but today I repented of disrespect and unforgiveness. It's not possible now for us to reunite as he is remarried with kids, but I hope and pray God will bless me with another chance to respect a husband and be forgiving. I'm ready to be the wife I always wanted to be but never was. Thanks for faithfully seeking God in how to help families and hearing Him reply "love and respect." And thanks also for then writing the book.

Sincerely,
S.H.

Are you as touched by what this wife says as Sarah and I are touched by what she says? We need to learn from this woman's tender heart, teachable spirit, and inner longing. If you are in a similar situation, please weigh carefully her words. You can learn from her wise words! You may have the power and influence to change the course of your marriage.

© 2008