A Husband Finds the Log in His Own Eye

This testimony prompted deep gratefulness in my heart! 

My wife and I were born into families that did not necessarily set us up for success. We married in between our junior and senior year of undergrad (college). 

I loved my wife dearly, but by far spent more of my time thinking about the “husband is the head of the home” scriptures. The first several months of my marriage I think I spent a lot more time “beating my chest” about those scriptures than thinking in particular about Heather’s concerns or my responsibility to her as a husband, even after she became pregnant a few months after marriage.  

Sometime around our 5th month of marriage or so I got it in my head that I was going to be a real spiritual husband and begin praying regularly for my wife. I would wait for Heather to go to bed and wait until she was asleep, then I would go in and pray. My prayers were usually along the lines of “Dear God, please make Heather a woman of prayer. Please make her a wise woman, and a good mother. Please make her a woman of your word.” Etc.  

One night about two weeks after I started doing this I went in to pray. I went to open my mouth and the Lord dropped a sentence in my mind and a revelation in my heart. The sentence was the verse, “Husbands, LOVE YOUR WIVES AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.” I had read this several times before but had glossed completely over it because of my lack of understanding, selfishness, etc. The Lord drilled it into my mind.  

At the same time He dropped a revelation into my heart, which occurred amazingly fast but essentially took me back through my married life with Heather and showed me just how much I had been putting conditions on Heather as to whether I would love her or not.  

Even the “praying” I had been doing was really my bringing to God a list of the things I wanted in a wife, more conditions to love her by. I was thinking “I will love her if…” I had never seen it, and I was floored, really speechless.  

When I finally started talking all I could say was to tell the Lord that I loved my wife over and over. 

I stewed on this for a few weeks and then when Heather and I were taking a trip I took the concentrated alone time in the car to tell her about what God had convicted me of and to repent to her for loving her conditionally, and I committed to her to love her unconditionally. It was a beginning to a very new time in our marriage.  

I have always believed that one of the reasons why God could come and deal with me so severely (Thank Him for it!) was because Heather was not in disobedience (to God). It kind of had a feel of “Heather, why don’t you just step aside and let Me take care of this knuckle head for you…Whack!” 

So I spent the next 14 years pretty aggressively going after “Husbands, love your wives...” We of course had our spats and failures, and whatever my desire was I certainly didn’t always love her as I knew I should, but it was my goal.  

Right now I am going through your material with a group for the third time and enjoying it thoroughly. I suppose I am a Love and Respect Zealot. I appreciate your example in the DVD teachings of holding up Love and Respect together to be valued. I seek the Lord to be balanced with the truth and watching the DVDs is a great help. (Bill) 

I salute Bill as a true man of honor! As you read these verses, replace “your brother” with your spouse’s name.

Photo Credit

Luke 6:41, 42 (NASB) says: “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or, how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.” 

I am inspired to take a fresh look at the logs in my own eye. How about you?

~Emerson

See other testimonials and share your marriage testimony with us here.

Darkest Before the Dawn

In my last blog I challenged the wives to be the mature one in the relationship and consider changing the tone at home.  I promised to challenge the husbands equally, so guys…now it’s your turn.  Here’s a testimony from a husband who realized he could no longer assume his marriage was ok…he needed to step up and save it.  He figured out what it truly means to unconditionally love, even when not receiving anything in return.  I salute him as an honorable man!

My wife and I were high school sweethearts and have been together 19 years and married for 15.  Most of our marriage has been great with many more ups than downs.  Then about a year and a half ago, we began arguing much, much more than we ever had before.  I became more withdrawn and angry, and she became completely uninterested in me sexually and affectionately.  We both seemed to blame much of this on the stress we were under.  After we talked out a particularly nasty episode of “Blame Your Spouse for All Your Problems,” things seemed to get better for about six months.   

Oh how wrong I was!

One day it was like someone just flipped a switch in her, and she completely withdrew from me.  I tried to push her to talk but she was not responding to my barrage of questions and complaints about her.

  I finally said, "Don't you want to work this out?" 

 I was absolutely floored when she replied, "I don't know." 

 

In my mind this was just another stupid argument about the same old thing.  Of course we would work it out, we always did before!  She just said that all she knew is she wasn't happy, and hadn't been for a while.

It was as if a truck hit me and was parked on my chest!  The one thing I felt I had done right in my life was to be a good husband, and now I was faced with the fact that I had driven the love of my life away from me.  

After a few tense days, I got up the nerve to ask her point blank, "Are you going to leave me?" to which she replied again, "I don't know.” 

(Later I found out things were much worse than I had originally thought.  She had already sought the advice of a divorce attorney "just to see what her options were" and was having an inappropriate relationship with a male friend that was on the way to becoming an affair.) 

I set up an appointment with a family therapist, which she balked at but did come to the appointment.  The best thing to come out of the session was as ‘homework’ we should get a copy of your book (Love & Respect)… Now let me tell you, I am a big skeptic of most self-help type books, but I was desperate to find a way to reconnect with my wife and keep my family together, so I headed for the bookstore. I started reading as soon as I got home…it was like the first few chapters had been written about us!  I now realize that we have been on the Crazy Cycle to some degree for probably five years!  I was blaming her for her not being interested in me anymore, but seeing how I was really hurting her all this time, I understood for the first time what was really happening!  It was so simple once I saw my actions through the eyes of Love and Respect!  She didn't feel loved! I have always said it frequently, but my actions told her another story.   

I have finally let go of all the small stuff that I grew into a big problem. I was always ready and willing to fix our problems, but I was never able before because I was trying to treat the symptoms instead of the cause. 

 I FINALLY GET IT!!!   

We aren't in the same place yet (in our healing) and it is very frustrating at times not having her respond to me, but I realize that she feels like she worked on this problem for a year and got no response from me (in my defense, I didn’t even know we had a problem at the time!)…and she is exhausted from trying.  With God's help, I will continue to work on us every minute of every day to help her and to put my own feelings of frustration aside.  As you said, it is not fair, but no one ever said life or love was going to be fair, and in the end the reward of having my wife back will be well worth it!   

I feel that although she knows that she has had a part in all of this, she doesn't really own up to her part of the blame at this point and is still putting it all on me.  That's okay, I feel like I deserve most of it and I'll continue to work on my share whether she is ready to take on hers or not.  

My biggest challenge at this point is trying not to get my feelings hurt, and balancing my love and support for her without smothering her. 

I only pray that it is not too late for us, but with hard work and God's help, I know we will pull through this.  He has told me that it is going to be alright with us, but that it is going to be a long, hard fight.  But anything worth having takes working for, and I don't mind getting my hands dirty!  

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity to make me a better person and husband, and may God bless you for writing this wonderful book. (Anonymous) 

Men, do you find yourself in a similar situation?  To continue loving unconditionally when receiving very little in return is a tough test.  Will we persevere out of obedience to Christ, or crumble in defeat?  Remember…it’s always darkest before the dawn.  You can do this!

 

Emerson

Respect During Tough Times

May I speak just to the wives today?  In my last blog we discussed what unconditional really means.  I know how difficult the concept of unconditional respect is so today I want to share a testimony from a wife who figured this out, with powerful results. This woman’s husband endured an accident that left him unable to work.  Within that difficulty, she learned to be sensitive to her husband’s needs; despite what I’m sure was a very hard time for her.  I think her story will inspire you as it did me.  

I still marvel at how God has used Love & Respect to transform our marriage!  It really does work. I think the most unstated truth about relationships is how much men need respect from their wives, and how an unthinking comment can hurt them so much.

God has helped me a lot to try to say words that will help my husband, but today I blew it. My husband has been in a nursing home or hospital since January, 2007. He's not able to work at this time. This morning he was talking about letting me get on to my job. Teasingly I said, "Someone in this family has to get out and earn a living." When he responded, "You really know how to cut a guy to the heart," I knew I had erred big time.  

The busyness of the day got in the way, but in the few quiet moments I had, the Holy Spirit kept reminding me, "You have got to make this right." All day long this happened. When I left the nursing home this evening, my husband was getting ready for bed. On the way home, the Holy Spirit reminded me again, "Fix this." So I called my husband and said, "I need to apologize to you." He asked why, and when I started reviewing what I had said this morning, he got very quiet. I assured him I really was only teasing, but teasing comments can still be hurtful.  Then I told him, "Here is what I really know about you. If you could work, I know you would work very hard to provide for us. I know how important your work is to you, and I saw you work hard before we were married and before the accident. I know that when you are able to work again, you will work hard for us."  

Even over the phone, I could tell that my husband's spirit had been restored. For our anniversary, I wrote a card for him in which I reminded him that I had long viewed him as my knight in shining armor. Even though he was heavily medicated that evening, I could tell that the words of my respect and admiration for him pierced that fog.  

This is such a simple principle: the more I show my husband respect, the more love he shows to me. If unconditional respect is what my husband needs most emotionally, why would I want to deprive him of it? I most certainly need and want his unconditional love! I do not show him unconditional respect in order to manipulate him, I do it because it is right.  (Anonymous) 

Powerful words from a woman who truly understands her husband’s deepest need.  Wives, what are you willing to do today to show your husband unconditional respect?  Remember…unconditional means exactly that…NO conditions. Do you need to begin with a simple apology? 

In my next blog I’ll share a testimony from a husband who learned the true meaning of unconditional love, so resist the urge to say, “Well…what about him? Why are you picking on us wives?” Can you be the mature one and do what you can do to change the tone in your relationship?  I believe you can!

 

Emerson

The Turning Point

With the New Year upon us, there are stacks of stats out there about how New Year’s resolutions don’t work.  For example, most of them don’t last through February. 

Most of us already knew that.

Most of us also know that to change a behavior we need to develop a new habit.   In other words, “practice makes perfect.” 

Any new behavior feels strange – even “wrong” at first.  But if we repeat the behavior over and over, it eventually becomes a habit and feels normal.  How long this takes is up for debate, but it’s safe to say it’s probably longer than most of us would like.

This goes for changing our behavior in marriage too. Do you really want to get off that Crazy Cycle and onto the Energizing Cycle with your spouse?  Start a new habit of doing the right thing, right now.  Let today be your turning point.

A few weeks ago in my blog entitled Christmas Chaos, we heard from Katie about how applying respect during the holidays was a turning point in her marriage.  Eight years later, Katie’s consistent behavior has led to long term change!  We often stress the importance of consistency in honoring God in your marriage, and this story of how respect became a lifestyle really shares our heart and hope for each of you.

The understanding I gained from Love and Respect served as the turning point for our marriage.  I am happy to say that my husband and I celebrated our 12th anniversary and have a strong, thriving and solid relationship.  The specific family challenges that I described 8 years ago are markedly better; and as new challenges come up in our marriage we handle them with a much lower degree of conflict.  Our marriage is mostly one of unity and joy, and when it is not, it prompts me to take a look at what I am not doing.  The answer is almost always me showing a lack of respect for my husband, or not leaning on God instead of my own strength - or a combination of the two.  But now I can pretty easily identify what I am not doing, and it's completely within my ability to correct that.  Sometimes my sin nature and stubbornness just takes me a little longer!

The Love and Respect teachings have helped me to build a much deeper and stronger relationship with God.  I have seen the incredible power of getting instruction from Scripture and taking the step of faith to follow it, even when you don't initially understand it or believe it will help.  I know now that I will ALWAYS benefit from learning more about God's word and putting it to use in my life.  God's grace, as a result of my faith, has blessed me more incredibly than I ever might have guessed.  I know that will just keep getting better!   (Katie)

This dynamic couple has continued to make an impact in their church and community, bringing the Love and Respect Live Conference to their church, mentoring engaged and married couples, and even sharing the principles of respect in their workplace. 

Because Katie decided to do things differently one Christmas, countless lives have been changed! 

What will be your turning point in 2013?  Change can start with a simple decision to do things differently in your marriage.  Then, be consistent.

As we begin a new year, our thanks to all of you who are acting in obedience to Ephesians 5:33 and making a difference in the world! 

Happy New Year!

Emerson and Sarah

“I Prayed for God to Heal my Marriage” ~ Tony & Ginger Buffkin Video Testimony

Continuing our theme on the resurrection and healing power of God, meet Tony and Ginger. Be encouraged as they share how their broken marriage was restored. As Tony states, Love and Respect “is good, practical, down-to-earth advice.”

Listen as they share how these principles helped them see each other in a new way and how they made a conscious choice to do things differently.


 

FAQ: What if we Started our Marriage all Wrong?

Last week I encouraged you to look back on how God brought you and your spouse together.  But what if you weren’t following God when you married?  In fact, what if you started your marriage all wrong?  Does God give us a pass and allow us to walk away and start over?

Aside from the marriage statistics that reveal second and third marriages have even greater chances of failure, there are many reasons to stay together rather than walk away.  In J. Waite’s book, The Case for Marriage, comprehensive research findings have staggered the thinking of many.  In studying unhappy couples – and we mean unhappy – scholars sought to know how many of these couples remained miserable if they stayed in the marriage.  Five years after reporting their unhappiness in marriage, seventy percent of the unhappiest couples testified that they were “very” or “quite” happy in their marriage.  Only 12 percent of very unhappily married couples who stuck it out were still unhappy.  Though good marriages go bad, bad marriages go good!

Bottom line:  No matter what brought you together, if you put your trust in God right here, right now, and determine to do marriage God’s way…there is hope for you. 

Here is a testimony that illustrates even a couple who started out all wrong, can turn things around:

My husband and I rushed into our relationship, rushed to move in together and rushed to get married - never acknowledging our issues until after we were married. Before I found your book, we were actually at the point where we were thinking  our marriage was a mistake. When I brought your book home I told my husband that this would be “the last straw to making our marriage work" and asked him if he would read it with me.
 Well we began your book, and I can see changes happening in our marriage, and in the friendship that my husband and I have together. It is an indescribable feeling to be reading a passage in your book and be like "Wow - is that me?” or “Do I really act like this?” So Thank You! Thank You! We are beginning to have the marriage that we always wanted to have with each other!!!

Does your marriage feel hopeless?  Don’t give up!  Rely on the Lord to show you what he wants you to learn through this time.  The couple in the testimony above were teachable…asking themselves, “Is that me?  Do I really act like this?”  What does God want to teach you during this tough season in your marriage?  It’s not too late if you put your hope and trust in God!

~Emerson

A Redeeming Love Story

Recently I learned of a blogger named Ange who posted a Love and Respect Testimonial on her blog for Valentine’s Day. Ange met the author of this testimony, Kristin, at her daughter’s preschool and invited her to a Love and Respect Video Conference. As I read this testimony, it brought tears to my eyes. I thought, if only someone like Ange had reached out to my Mom and Dad as she reached out to Kristin - maybe they wouldn’t have gone through such a tragic cycle of divorce, remarriage, and separation.

I never saw my Dad kiss my Mom, except one time, and it is vivid in my memory. But the precious and meaningful scene lost its gripping magnitude when I later learned my Dad had returned from an out of state trip with another woman, and his embracing kiss with Mom became hollow, not holy. Even so, Christ later called my Dad to Himself, and then later called him to heaven where Dad is free from all those things that contributed to him becoming the victim of the enemy. I never hated my Dad, nor did my Mom – nor did the Lord who found in my Dad a man that He wished to embrace, forever.

Here is Ange’s introduction to the testimony by Kristin. I share it with permission from all concerned. Thank you, Ange for sharing with someone you hardly knew. God used you to save their marriage! And thank you, Kristin and Tom, for opening your hearts to the truth of Love and Respect!

We salute you!
~Emerson


FEBRUARY 13, 2011
A Redeeming Love Story

In honor of Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I would share a little love story with you. First I'll give you some background. My husband and I are hosting a marriage conference in our city this year, it's called Love & Respect. We were first introduced to the message of Love & Respect about 6 years ago through some friends. It was a video series on marriage and it was phenomenal!

We hosted our first Love & Respect Marriage Conference last year and it was a hit!

While promoting the conference last year, I invited a lady from my daughter's preschool to attend the conference. We didn't really know each other but I'm not shy and so I just casually mentioned it to her. Here's the rest of the story, in her own words.............

A Love & Respect Testimonial

Wow, Love & Respect. Who would've thought that was the answer to a loving, lasting relationship! We are so blind.

My story, or our story I should say, starts with a 20 year marriage, four children and a life of the two of us being a complete blur.
I (Kristin) after having our fourth child and her turning four years of age, my life or my eyes just opened up like I just woke up to a bad dream. I mean I was living in a bad dream and couldn't get out of it. I was raising four kids, working as a school teacher of a classroom s

ize from 12-15 kids, then home doing all the home stuff. Something was missing, hmmm, what was it? Wow, a husband! Where is my husband?!? It was like he was or had just turned into one of the kids in my mind. I was the mother, the caretaker, the maid, you name it, that was me! Yuck!

I became very, very depressed and some days I don't even know how I functioned. When I did realize I needed my husband it was too late, he was already set in his ways of doing his thing, coming and going to work, having his fun with his buddies, you know the guy story and what guys do. But when they do get home, they want clean clothes and they want to eat! Wow, I felt as if I wasn't loved! So, after 20 years of marriage, I filed for divorce.

Our youngest was starting preschool; at a school I never thought I'd have one of our

children attend as all of them went to a Catholic school system. But, I think I was looking for a change, looking for something that would wake me up to something different, something to make me happy, to fill my void of not feeling loved!

One day after taking my daughter to this preschool class, a mother was talking to a group of ladies about her husband and some issues that they had. I opened my ears a little more thinking, this is interesting and I wish I had what that lady has, a smile on her face while talking

about her husband and that her husband loves her!!!

Ok, let me interject here, this is Ange again. I remember asking Kristen if she wanted to attend the marriage conference and she couldn't but she was interested in learning more about it, so I gave her the website address. Later that day she called me at home and wanted to know if I had the videos and if she could watch them, right away. Back to her story!

This lady who gave them to me had no idea who I was or if I even had any problems. I immediately called my husband at work, well soon to be ex-husband, and asked him "Do you feel respected, I mean respected by me?" I was shocked to his answer (now, I haven't talked to my husband in some time as he wasn't living at our residence anymore because of me filing for divorce), his answer was...NO!

I couldn't believe it, I immediately felt guilty for everything, my husband doesn't feel respected! With tears in my eyes, I was trying to tell him I had these videos I'd like to share with him. But I had no idea what they were really even about.
Now, this man of mine is a man who doesn't sit on the couch and watch videos, especially videos with the word Love, he'd run! He is also the kind of man that never holds your hand in public, kisses you in front of anyone or says I love you in front of someone, no way, out of the question!! Well he came over to watch the videos. I was so scared, I was shaking in my shoes. So I just plugged in the first one and cranked the volume.

To our surprise, we sat there not saying a word, just listening to what this Dr. Emerson had to say, he was so right about what he was saying! Women, respect your man and men, love your woman! So powerful and so true! I couldn't believe that my man was actually getting into it, quiet at times and then laughing, actually laughing! Oh, I was falling for this man all over again. A man I hated an hour ago, a man I've been married to for 20 years and filed for divorce on. All this man wanted was respect and I would get what I was yearning and looking for all these years from him, Love!
We watched all 5 videos that night!!!

We started doing things together and family things - a lot of family things. Plus, the two of us doing things together as a couple was a no-no in his book but now he asks me to be involved in everything he has going on and shares everything with me. We talk, we never did that before!

He never wore his wedding ring. One day, out of the blue he just said, "Kristin, it’s the coming of Easter and doesn't that mean a new beginning? Easter - rebirth?" I said, “Yes it does, what are you getting at?" He said he wanted to wear a new wedding ring not his old one and I would have a matching one for our new beginning!

He kisses me in front of our children. Our children have never seen that ever from us. They say "Oh! Gross!" and we kiss more. He says "I love you" to his children, that is something that would just never happen. All these firsts are so fresh that it's kind of scary.

For a man to do all this for his woman and family - something he has never done before and something he would never try because men just don't do that, he truly is a change

d man! He wants his wife and family sincerely from his heart!

With all this, I dismissed the divorce. We are reconciled and the rest is history!

One last thing, he never slept in our bed for the past 14 years. Don't ask me how we had children because I don't know! Now we sleep together in the same bed with him very tight next to me, holding my hand until we fall asleep. He also calls me every day from work to say "I love you."

I have tears as I write this- this all sounds too good to be true but it isn't, I'm living it! Thank you God!

So please, if you are struggling, watch Dr. Emerson, if he can wake us up, he can do the same for you. You are together for a reason - God brought you together for a reason. We still have issues and that comes in a marriage but now we work them out and understand where all the issues come from!

With Love & Respect,

Tom & Kristin

"Hope" Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4tzTk

WHEN EACH STOPS BLAMING, LOOK OUT!

Have you ever played the blame game? If you are in a relationship, no doubt you have! Blaming others rather than looking at our own inadequacies is a natural part of our human nature. But I’ve noticed something powerful when working with couples: positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame-game!

As a couple, if you both confess your own issues, as uncomfortable as that is for all of us, you can move forward in remarkable ways. I see this repeatedly. If the two of you agree to stop accusing and agree to deal with your own unhealthy reactions, you have no idea what God plans to do for you! Listen to this wife and husband who attended the Love and Respect Conference.

From the wife:
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We got into a huge fight three days before the conference…I knew it was Satan attacking our marriage and did not want us to attend. I kept my mouth closed as I was so very upset with my husband that I knew if I said anything we would not go…I wanted to give this a chance (but) told myself I was going to look for a place to live when we returned home. When we arrived at the conference we were not really speaking to each other (but) by the end of the first night we left holding hands and talking. Saturday morning my husband was up before me and called me into the room and opened your book (and) as he read the first page he started to weep. It crushed me that I never told him that I respected him…There was a list of about 15 reasons why I respected him but I never said those words! I was so convicted...It was so simple. I had never realized that as a Christian woman I was actually sinning and needed to repent and ask my husband for forgiveness.

Her husband writes:
I can't explain the change in my heart towards my wife. I've been a Christian for about 17 years…The one thing that has bothered me most is that my marriage has not glorified the Lord. I would do the blame game that it was not always my fault and that I was married to an unreasonable woman and even Jesus would struggle with my marriage. I always knew what the gospel said about my responsibility as a husband and I believed that I was being obedient to God's word, until I went to Love and Respect…My heart was convicted as the reason my marriage was not glorifying God was because I was not living my marriage unto the Lord. It's not about me and my wife having our differences – it’s about me living for Christ and dying to myself and submitting my life to God…I was not allowing Christ to work in my marriage mostly due to pride. God used your conference to speak to me and change my mind and heart towards my wife. I know now that I want to live my marriage unto the Lord and love my wife unconditionally as Christ loves the church. I truly feel born again in my marriage!

This couple decided to stop the blame game! If you decide to look only at your OWN wrong reactions, and do that which God calls you to do, you can experience the same freedom and healing as this couple.

The Bible says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

It works!

Healing of Family of Origin and Attachment Issues

Michsam, her Love and Respect forum name, writes the following testimony about her healing of Family of Origin and Attachment concerns. Sarah and I thoroughly enjoyed her following insights:

L&R Ministries offers a simple two-part message for a strong marriage: First, your primary focus must be your relationship with God, not your relationship with your spouse. Second, you must obey God's command to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:33.

But, isn't this too simplistic for those of us with significant family of origin issues?

My testimony is that the answer to that question is "No"!

In Ephesians 4:22-24, Paul commands us to "put off your old self which is being corrupted by your deceitful desires" and "put on the new self, created to be like God."

L&R works because it shows us how we are to "put off" the old, as well as how to "put on" the new. It works because it is Biblical.

The specifics of my family of origin issues are too much to disclose here. Please believe me when I say that they are significant. The secular psychology literature describes me as someone who entered adulthood with only a limited ability to form secure attachments.

People with attachment issues have four disordered understandings of how families function. These include misunderstanding of authority, permanence, sharing, and caregiving.

In my case, I equated authority with domination, so did not feel safe in family settings. I also questioned whether my husband's love was permanent. I feared rejection and worried that he would die or leave me. Third, I had trouble sharing myself with him because I thought that meeting his needs would come at the expense of my needs not being met. Finally, I rarely asked him to meet my felt needs because my childhood experiences told me that he wouldn't take care of me. Yet even though I didn't tell him what I wanted, I would occasionally blow up at him when my needs went unmet.

Each of these beliefs and associated behaviors significantly harmed my relationship with my husband.

By explaining the "how" and "why" of God's command in Ephesians 5:33, the L&R message told me what to "put on".

First, I was to accept my husband's authority in the home because my husband needed that authority to fulfill a God-given responsibility to protect me and to provide for me. Second, my irrational questioning of my husband's love for me stemmed from my obsessive focus on the few areas in which my needs weren't met. I needed to change my focus on the positives about my husband. Third, meeting my husband's felt needs didn't have to come at the expense of his meeting my felt needs because the two of us had different needs! I could meet my husband's need for respect at the same time that he was meeting my need for love. Finally, the L&R messaged empowered me to ask my husband to meet my felt needs, but to do so in a respectful fashion.

I'm not strong enough to "put on" the new without God's help. So, "putting on" is fundamentally about my relationship with God. It's not enough to know what to do. God wants my obedience, but that is only possible if I trust in him for the strength to obey.

So far, so good. I know what I should do, and I know that God will give me the strength to do it. But, how is it possible to "put off" the family of origin issues that hinder intimacy in marriage? Well, feelings often follow behaviors. Putting on new behaviors supports the "putting off" of flawed thought patterns.

But, more than that, the L&R message reminded me that my primary relationships is my relationship with God. As I meditated on various Scripture passages that tell me who God is, I came to understand that God - and only God - can meet my deepest needs. Knowing God is the key to straightening out disordered thought patterns.

Specifically, I do not need to fear earthly authority, because my God is Righteous (Psalm 89:14-15; Psalm 71:14-16). I do not need to fear my husband's rejection of me, because my God is Trustworthy (Psalm 22:4-5; Psalm 28:6-7). I don't have to worry about having my needs met because my God is Responsive (Psalm 116:1-2; Psalm 138:2). And, I don't have to worry about taking care of myself, because my God will always be my Refuge (Psalm 142:5; Psalm 141:8).

Besides learning about who God is, I also learned about what God expects of me. Psalm 25:14 tells me that friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. My reverence is motivated by the fact that God is the sovereign Lord of the universe.

I am God's child, but that means I will have to answer to him for how I have lived my life. I must be honest with him about who I am - a sinner in need of forgiveness.

So, I do not take God's love for granted. I stand in awe of God's desire for intimacy with me.

I don't want to claim that healing from my family of origin and related attachment issues is complete or that it happened overnight. It's an ongoing process, and the wounds remain.

But, I'm here to say that that healing is possible because there is freedom in knowing God.

That's the heart of the Love and Respect message.