Marriage {Maintenance}

Recently I came across a blog entry written by a woman who communicated so effectively the mutual fear couples often experience related to a husband’s spiritual leadership and authority.   She nails it!  So this week I’m honored to share a portion of her blog, with her permission.  Thank you, Bekka!

~Emerson

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Maintenance

I've been a little quiet this week because Tim has been home. After four weeks working at a job site more than 14 hours drive away, I tried to take advantage of as many moments as possible with him…I’d asked Tim to book the time off to include the weekend because this weekend, a combined effort of our local churches led to the hosting of a Love & Respect video seminar in our community centre.

At first he was all like “Do we really need to go to this thing?” to which my reply was that we didn’t really need to go, in the sense that we’re not in any kind of crisis stage of our marriage. However, I posed the issue of maintenance. As my friend recently pinned on Pinterest, the grass is greener where you water it.

Session One began Friday evening, and it went over well. It was humorous and enjoyable (I particularly liked the statement “There’re no vacancies in the Trinity”) and we went home, both of us thinking “Great stuff, but we already knew that.”

Then began Session Two on Saturday afternoon, followed closely by Session Three. And that’s where we realized what was missing in our marriage.

Dr. Eggerichs made a comment much to the effect that most Christian wives are looking to their husbands to be the spiritual leaders of their families. They expect their husbands to be the representation of Christ in their households. I was sitting there thinking, “Wow, ain’t that the truth of it! That’s exactly what I want of my husband.”

But with one little word, I realized where I had messed this up. In the middle of the acronym “CHAIRS”, is the word “Authority”. Dr. Eggerichs began to describe our spiritual relationship to the letter. Essentially, the wife looks to the husband for leadership, but she is fearful and apprehensive and so she asks questions and looks for reassurance. The husband interprets this as trying to take control and wear the pants of the relationship and so backs off or responds negatively to the wife and a cycle begins. I believe Dr. Eggerichs fondly refers to this as the “Crazy Cycle” – which comes in part from the definition of insanity: “doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.”

And that’s where our crazy cycle began, with authority. I wasn’t letting my husband have any because I was allowing my fear to intervene. And what was I afraid of? I was afraid that my husband would stretch me.

Tim is a self-taught philosopher and theologian. He is incredibly intelligent…So I was worried my husband… would stretch me further than I thought I was ready to be stretched.

When I confessed this to my husband on our drive home and asked for his forgiveness, I was once again rocked to my core.

That same segment about spiritual leadership had impacted him as well. And he confessed that he was afraid. He was afraid that I would somehow crush him if he had taken on that role. He never thought he was afraid of anything – this is the ironworker who climbs 150 feet into the air and sends me a text message to let me know he loves me, because 150 feet above ground is the only place his cell phone would get a signal.

Last night, as we were lying in bed, God gave me an image of my husband walking up the steps of a raised dais to a throne. On his shoulders was a black mantle of fear, worry, apprehension and something else I couldn't place. As he walked up the steps, his mantle fell off and he was able to sit on the throne. And then he was crowned.

I’m excited for my husband to take his rightful place as the spiritual leader of our family, where I have so desperately longed for him to be, yet have unknowingly set up road blocks all these years. I’m excited to see what happens next.

I give the Love & Respect seminar an A. I highly recommend it to anyone who is wondering just what seems to be missing from their marriage, or who feels like they’re just going through the “Crazy Cycle” all the time, or even for people who think they've got it all together right now and just want to go for some encouragement and maintenance. 

           

A Redeeming Love Story

Recently I learned of a blogger named Ange who posted a Love and Respect Testimonial on her blog for Valentine’s Day. Ange met the author of this testimony, Kristin, at her daughter’s preschool and invited her to a Love and Respect Video Conference. As I read this testimony, it brought tears to my eyes. I thought, if only someone like Ange had reached out to my Mom and Dad as she reached out to Kristin - maybe they wouldn’t have gone through such a tragic cycle of divorce, remarriage, and separation.

I never saw my Dad kiss my Mom, except one time, and it is vivid in my memory. But the precious and meaningful scene lost its gripping magnitude when I later learned my Dad had returned from an out of state trip with another woman, and his embracing kiss with Mom became hollow, not holy. Even so, Christ later called my Dad to Himself, and then later called him to heaven where Dad is free from all those things that contributed to him becoming the victim of the enemy. I never hated my Dad, nor did my Mom – nor did the Lord who found in my Dad a man that He wished to embrace, forever.

Here is Ange’s introduction to the testimony by Kristin. I share it with permission from all concerned. Thank you, Ange for sharing with someone you hardly knew. God used you to save their marriage! And thank you, Kristin and Tom, for opening your hearts to the truth of Love and Respect!

We salute you!
~Emerson


FEBRUARY 13, 2011
A Redeeming Love Story

In honor of Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I would share a little love story with you. First I'll give you some background. My husband and I are hosting a marriage conference in our city this year, it's called Love & Respect. We were first introduced to the message of Love & Respect about 6 years ago through some friends. It was a video series on marriage and it was phenomenal!

We hosted our first Love & Respect Marriage Conference last year and it was a hit!

While promoting the conference last year, I invited a lady from my daughter's preschool to attend the conference. We didn't really know each other but I'm not shy and so I just casually mentioned it to her. Here's the rest of the story, in her own words.............

A Love & Respect Testimonial

Wow, Love & Respect. Who would've thought that was the answer to a loving, lasting relationship! We are so blind.

My story, or our story I should say, starts with a 20 year marriage, four children and a life of the two of us being a complete blur.
I (Kristin) after having our fourth child and her turning four years of age, my life or my eyes just opened up like I just woke up to a bad dream. I mean I was living in a bad dream and couldn't get out of it. I was raising four kids, working as a school teacher of a classroom s

ize from 12-15 kids, then home doing all the home stuff. Something was missing, hmmm, what was it? Wow, a husband! Where is my husband?!? It was like he was or had just turned into one of the kids in my mind. I was the mother, the caretaker, the maid, you name it, that was me! Yuck!

I became very, very depressed and some days I don't even know how I functioned. When I did realize I needed my husband it was too late, he was already set in his ways of doing his thing, coming and going to work, having his fun with his buddies, you know the guy story and what guys do. But when they do get home, they want clean clothes and they want to eat! Wow, I felt as if I wasn't loved! So, after 20 years of marriage, I filed for divorce.

Our youngest was starting preschool; at a school I never thought I'd have one of our

children attend as all of them went to a Catholic school system. But, I think I was looking for a change, looking for something that would wake me up to something different, something to make me happy, to fill my void of not feeling loved!

One day after taking my daughter to this preschool class, a mother was talking to a group of ladies about her husband and some issues that they had. I opened my ears a little more thinking, this is interesting and I wish I had what that lady has, a smile on her face while talking

about her husband and that her husband loves her!!!

Ok, let me interject here, this is Ange again. I remember asking Kristen if she wanted to attend the marriage conference and she couldn't but she was interested in learning more about it, so I gave her the website address. Later that day she called me at home and wanted to know if I had the videos and if she could watch them, right away. Back to her story!

This lady who gave them to me had no idea who I was or if I even had any problems. I immediately called my husband at work, well soon to be ex-husband, and asked him "Do you feel respected, I mean respected by me?" I was shocked to his answer (now, I haven't talked to my husband in some time as he wasn't living at our residence anymore because of me filing for divorce), his answer was...NO!

I couldn't believe it, I immediately felt guilty for everything, my husband doesn't feel respected! With tears in my eyes, I was trying to tell him I had these videos I'd like to share with him. But I had no idea what they were really even about.
Now, this man of mine is a man who doesn't sit on the couch and watch videos, especially videos with the word Love, he'd run! He is also the kind of man that never holds your hand in public, kisses you in front of anyone or says I love you in front of someone, no way, out of the question!! Well he came over to watch the videos. I was so scared, I was shaking in my shoes. So I just plugged in the first one and cranked the volume.

To our surprise, we sat there not saying a word, just listening to what this Dr. Emerson had to say, he was so right about what he was saying! Women, respect your man and men, love your woman! So powerful and so true! I couldn't believe that my man was actually getting into it, quiet at times and then laughing, actually laughing! Oh, I was falling for this man all over again. A man I hated an hour ago, a man I've been married to for 20 years and filed for divorce on. All this man wanted was respect and I would get what I was yearning and looking for all these years from him, Love!
We watched all 5 videos that night!!!

We started doing things together and family things - a lot of family things. Plus, the two of us doing things together as a couple was a no-no in his book but now he asks me to be involved in everything he has going on and shares everything with me. We talk, we never did that before!

He never wore his wedding ring. One day, out of the blue he just said, "Kristin, it’s the coming of Easter and doesn't that mean a new beginning? Easter - rebirth?" I said, “Yes it does, what are you getting at?" He said he wanted to wear a new wedding ring not his old one and I would have a matching one for our new beginning!

He kisses me in front of our children. Our children have never seen that ever from us. They say "Oh! Gross!" and we kiss more. He says "I love you" to his children, that is something that would just never happen. All these firsts are so fresh that it's kind of scary.

For a man to do all this for his woman and family - something he has never done before and something he would never try because men just don't do that, he truly is a change

d man! He wants his wife and family sincerely from his heart!

With all this, I dismissed the divorce. We are reconciled and the rest is history!

One last thing, he never slept in our bed for the past 14 years. Don't ask me how we had children because I don't know! Now we sleep together in the same bed with him very tight next to me, holding my hand until we fall asleep. He also calls me every day from work to say "I love you."

I have tears as I write this- this all sounds too good to be true but it isn't, I'm living it! Thank you God!

So please, if you are struggling, watch Dr. Emerson, if he can wake us up, he can do the same for you. You are together for a reason - God brought you together for a reason. We still have issues and that comes in a marriage but now we work them out and understand where all the issues come from!

With Love & Respect,

Tom & Kristin

"Hope" Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4tzTk

Emerson Is Headed to Iraq

Because I am headed to Iraq sometime after the New Year, I found this recent email a blessing to read and a fitting reminder about my short-term mission to serve men and women in uniform related to their relationships.

"I felt led to write this to you today because as I was moving around on Facebook, I saw that you were going to be in Iraq. My husband is currently deployed there and my prayer is that he can go to your conference while you are there.

"I had heard some good things about your book so I bought it. Unfortunately I bought it with the wrong intentions. I bought it to fix my husband, again. I had been buying books for years to try and get things better in our marriage. We have had an ok marriage but there were some BIG trouble spots and I was very concerned. The problem, I was VERY sure, was his fault since I thought I was doing what I needed to as a good, Godly wife (pride UGH!). Well a year went by without the book or the study guide cracked open by either of us. Orders came, he left for Iraq. We were having some difficult patches with him being gone, go figure, and I saw a copy of Love and Respect in a used book store. I didn't want to send him the copy I had bought new 'cause Heaven knows not everything comes back from over there in the way it left :-)! At the time we were having an argument and I thought... 'he needs this book!' I sent it off and didn't think another thing about it.

"I couldn't sleep a few weeks later and opened my nightstand drawer to get something to read and there was your book. I figured why not and honestly thought it would give me more ammo to show him what he was doing wrong. Oh my word! I got through the first couple of pages before God broke my heart! I spent most of that night and following morning reading, seeing my life on those pages, weeping that God and my husband would find a way to forgive me. The next morning my husband was due to call me on Skype. I asked him if he had read the book I sent and he got that 'look' on his face. The same look he always got when I asked him to read a book, listen to a recording, watch a program: it was sort of a 'guilty/not again' look. I told him he was welcome to read it 'if' he wanted to. I told him how I came to reading it and proceeded to apologize, tell him how much I respected him and how, with God's help, I would be better for him, the wife he deserved. He didn’t know what to say except that it was ok and to please stop crying (it breaks his heart when I cry).

"I have started learning about the things he likes and cares about so we have something to talk about. He does love football and has missed all of the season since he has been overseas. I told him one day that I came home from church and watched his favorite team play. It was sort of funny to watch my husband's jaw drop! That would have never happened before.

"Another 'respect' moment was when my daughter said something her dad told her. My first inclination was to say 'he's crazy' or something to show that I didn't believe him, but I stopped. I thought about it and then HONESTLY answered he was right. My first thought had been to negate what he had said! That broke me again. It is really hard to show respect to someone when they aren't home for months and months but this was a perfect opportunity! I told my girls that if anyone would know it would be him…Before I would've cut down what he said…What a difference a respectful heart makes.

"I know things won't be perfect when he comes home but they will be so much better. The quote that comes to mind is 'when I knew better I did better' and I can assure you that I will. In my quest to 'fix' a good man I fixed myself… My life, the way I think, the way I view my husband has changed… Thank God for breaking and healing my heart. I have heard about 'respect' before but never in the way you put it. I will be giving this book to each of my daughters as they get married and I recommend it to EVERY wife I know. It is life changing! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!"

Pray that I can serve the men and women in Iraq who attend the 3 hour conference. That they come without a spouse creates a challenge but the information is helpful enough to explain their own behavior and help them decode the good will of their spouses. This wife gained great wisdom on her own and when she applied the truths, her husband responded favorably! I believe the same can happen to those in Iraq, especially because technology like Skype has allowed for instant, and even face to face, communication between men and women, so applications can come immediately!