A Redeeming Love Story

Recently I learned of a blogger named Ange who posted a Love and Respect Testimonial on her blog for Valentine’s Day. Ange met the author of this testimony, Kristin, at her daughter’s preschool and invited her to a Love and Respect Video Conference. As I read this testimony, it brought tears to my eyes. I thought, if only someone like Ange had reached out to my Mom and Dad as she reached out to Kristin - maybe they wouldn’t have gone through such a tragic cycle of divorce, remarriage, and separation.

I never saw my Dad kiss my Mom, except one time, and it is vivid in my memory. But the precious and meaningful scene lost its gripping magnitude when I later learned my Dad had returned from an out of state trip with another woman, and his embracing kiss with Mom became hollow, not holy. Even so, Christ later called my Dad to Himself, and then later called him to heaven where Dad is free from all those things that contributed to him becoming the victim of the enemy. I never hated my Dad, nor did my Mom – nor did the Lord who found in my Dad a man that He wished to embrace, forever.

Here is Ange’s introduction to the testimony by Kristin. I share it with permission from all concerned. Thank you, Ange for sharing with someone you hardly knew. God used you to save their marriage! And thank you, Kristin and Tom, for opening your hearts to the truth of Love and Respect!

We salute you!
~Emerson


FEBRUARY 13, 2011
A Redeeming Love Story

In honor of Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I would share a little love story with you. First I'll give you some background. My husband and I are hosting a marriage conference in our city this year, it's called Love & Respect. We were first introduced to the message of Love & Respect about 6 years ago through some friends. It was a video series on marriage and it was phenomenal!

We hosted our first Love & Respect Marriage Conference last year and it was a hit!

While promoting the conference last year, I invited a lady from my daughter's preschool to attend the conference. We didn't really know each other but I'm not shy and so I just casually mentioned it to her. Here's the rest of the story, in her own words.............

A Love & Respect Testimonial

Wow, Love & Respect. Who would've thought that was the answer to a loving, lasting relationship! We are so blind.

My story, or our story I should say, starts with a 20 year marriage, four children and a life of the two of us being a complete blur.
I (Kristin) after having our fourth child and her turning four years of age, my life or my eyes just opened up like I just woke up to a bad dream. I mean I was living in a bad dream and couldn't get out of it. I was raising four kids, working as a school teacher of a classroom s

ize from 12-15 kids, then home doing all the home stuff. Something was missing, hmmm, what was it? Wow, a husband! Where is my husband?!? It was like he was or had just turned into one of the kids in my mind. I was the mother, the caretaker, the maid, you name it, that was me! Yuck!

I became very, very depressed and some days I don't even know how I functioned. When I did realize I needed my husband it was too late, he was already set in his ways of doing his thing, coming and going to work, having his fun with his buddies, you know the guy story and what guys do. But when they do get home, they want clean clothes and they want to eat! Wow, I felt as if I wasn't loved! So, after 20 years of marriage, I filed for divorce.

Our youngest was starting preschool; at a school I never thought I'd have one of our

children attend as all of them went to a Catholic school system. But, I think I was looking for a change, looking for something that would wake me up to something different, something to make me happy, to fill my void of not feeling loved!

One day after taking my daughter to this preschool class, a mother was talking to a group of ladies about her husband and some issues that they had. I opened my ears a little more thinking, this is interesting and I wish I had what that lady has, a smile on her face while talking

about her husband and that her husband loves her!!!

Ok, let me interject here, this is Ange again. I remember asking Kristen if she wanted to attend the marriage conference and she couldn't but she was interested in learning more about it, so I gave her the website address. Later that day she called me at home and wanted to know if I had the videos and if she could watch them, right away. Back to her story!

This lady who gave them to me had no idea who I was or if I even had any problems. I immediately called my husband at work, well soon to be ex-husband, and asked him "Do you feel respected, I mean respected by me?" I was shocked to his answer (now, I haven't talked to my husband in some time as he wasn't living at our residence anymore because of me filing for divorce), his answer was...NO!

I couldn't believe it, I immediately felt guilty for everything, my husband doesn't feel respected! With tears in my eyes, I was trying to tell him I had these videos I'd like to share with him. But I had no idea what they were really even about.
Now, this man of mine is a man who doesn't sit on the couch and watch videos, especially videos with the word Love, he'd run! He is also the kind of man that never holds your hand in public, kisses you in front of anyone or says I love you in front of someone, no way, out of the question!! Well he came over to watch the videos. I was so scared, I was shaking in my shoes. So I just plugged in the first one and cranked the volume.

To our surprise, we sat there not saying a word, just listening to what this Dr. Emerson had to say, he was so right about what he was saying! Women, respect your man and men, love your woman! So powerful and so true! I couldn't believe that my man was actually getting into it, quiet at times and then laughing, actually laughing! Oh, I was falling for this man all over again. A man I hated an hour ago, a man I've been married to for 20 years and filed for divorce on. All this man wanted was respect and I would get what I was yearning and looking for all these years from him, Love!
We watched all 5 videos that night!!!

We started doing things together and family things - a lot of family things. Plus, the two of us doing things together as a couple was a no-no in his book but now he asks me to be involved in everything he has going on and shares everything with me. We talk, we never did that before!

He never wore his wedding ring. One day, out of the blue he just said, "Kristin, it’s the coming of Easter and doesn't that mean a new beginning? Easter - rebirth?" I said, “Yes it does, what are you getting at?" He said he wanted to wear a new wedding ring not his old one and I would have a matching one for our new beginning!

He kisses me in front of our children. Our children have never seen that ever from us. They say "Oh! Gross!" and we kiss more. He says "I love you" to his children, that is something that would just never happen. All these firsts are so fresh that it's kind of scary.

For a man to do all this for his woman and family - something he has never done before and something he would never try because men just don't do that, he truly is a change

d man! He wants his wife and family sincerely from his heart!

With all this, I dismissed the divorce. We are reconciled and the rest is history!

One last thing, he never slept in our bed for the past 14 years. Don't ask me how we had children because I don't know! Now we sleep together in the same bed with him very tight next to me, holding my hand until we fall asleep. He also calls me every day from work to say "I love you."

I have tears as I write this- this all sounds too good to be true but it isn't, I'm living it! Thank you God!

So please, if you are struggling, watch Dr. Emerson, if he can wake us up, he can do the same for you. You are together for a reason - God brought you together for a reason. We still have issues and that comes in a marriage but now we work them out and understand where all the issues come from!

With Love & Respect,

Tom & Kristin

"Hope" Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4tzTk

Crying Wives and Angry Husbands

I am thankful that the Love and Respect ideas continue to be part of the conversation of such authors as Shaunti Feldhan and Gary Thomas.

Gary writes in Sacred Influence, "Far too often women expect to argue with a man just as they would argue with a woman. Furthermore, they assume the way they handle conflict is the best way, or even the only appropriate way. In For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhan asks a provocative question: ‘If you are in a conflict with the man in your life, do you think that it is legitimate to break down and cry? Most of us would probably answer yes. Let me ask another question: In the same conflict, do you think it is legitimate for your man to get really angry? Many of us have a problem with that – we think he’s not controlling himself or that he’s behaving improperly.’

“The question needs to be asked: why do women tend to respond with hurt, and men tend to respond with anger? It all has to do with the male need for respect. Shaunti goes on to quote Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, who explains, ‘In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman’s response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man’s response to feeling disrespected.’"

Gary continues, “Men get most frustrated – and angriest – when they feel disrespected. If your conversation takes on a demeaning tone, you have as much chance of resolving something as you would baking a cake by throwing the ingredients down the garbage disposal. You can’t control your husband’s anger – but you can provoke it by being disrespectful. That doesn’t excuse any inappropriate actions on his part, but if you truly want to be part of the solution, then learn how to disagree with your husband without showing a lack of respect…” (page 148,149).

HOW TO DO AN ABOUT-FACE IN YOUR MARRIAGE

When a wife owns up to her failures in the marriage and confesses her disrespect and a husband owns up to his failures in the marriage and confesses his lack of love, the two of them can experience an about-face in the marriage. Couples on the edge of divorce have done a 180!

A wife writes, “My husband and I have been married for 16 years. We started out with two little ones ( we were teenage parents) and quickly had two more. Life was so hard and my only example was my parents marriage ( which was not healthy) and my 1970’s feminist mother. After all these years and struggles and fights and violence and depression, we finally came to the end… I bought the (Love and Respect ) book skimmed through it but stupidly, I did nothing with it. Fast forward… I knew if our marriage was to be saved, we needed to attend your conference. I started to ask the Lord to help us. We have no extra money and the conference was far away. We went to church and low and behold our church was hosting a marriage weekend for FREE and it was on your video conference. My husband grabbed a flyer not knowing anything about your ministry and said, would you go with me? Of course I said, yes. From the very first video everything just made sense to us. I was disrespecting him and didn't even know it. He said, he not only has stepped on my air hose but backed over and ground it into oblivion! We are both determined with God's help to love and respect each other. I know it is not going to be easy, nothing of value ever is. Already I am seeing the rewards…. I hope that our 12 year old son stops wetting the bed when he sees his parents truly loving and respecting each other. Thank you, Dr. E and Sarah…if our marriage can be saved- anyone's can be.”

Notice the two key sentences, “I was disrespecting him and didn't even know it. He said, he not only has stepped on my air hose but backed over and ground it into oblivion!” She owned up to her failure to respect and he owned up to his failure to love, AT THE SAME TIME. When both confess, I believe any couple can go in a new direction.

What does his and her confession look like? Here are two examples of a husband and wife who confessed to each other and did an about-face on a relationship headed for divorce. This is part of a larger confession each made to the other. But this gives a flavor of confessional language.

The wife confesses: “For months now I have been grasping at trying to understand what I have been doing - or not doing to cause you to feel disrespected… I have prayed to God for… the courage to change…. I want you to be the head of our home, our leader, and to feel good about it (and)… to give you the respect you need to successfully lead… After reading Love and Respect… I felt like I had an epiphany… It was as if God impressed on my heart the very thing I was trying to put my finger on all these months (and perhaps years)… I often resisted (or internally) disagreed with your advice/counsel... but what God showed me is that you had a lot of insight, wisdom, and understanding that I was ignoring - to my loss! Why? I'm not sure. I think you are one of the most intelligent people I know and I believe you have a lot of common sense, too (Sometimes those don't go hand in hand!)… I am very convicted about this sense of "self-righteousness" as Eggerichs calls it and am moved to tears that this is what I am unwittingly doing… You have so many strengths that I don't have. You are so good for me. Discipline, self-control, organization, big picture vision, and spiritual discernment… Thank you that you lay down your life every day… I know that you would literally die for us if ever called to and that truly is overwhelming to me. With all my respect, The one who still admires you”

The husband confesses: "I finally finished the book Love and Respect…, I love you and want to be your friend, your man, your lover, your protector and guide, - your husband… I now realize that we were on the Crazy Cycle… Love and Respect, opened my eyes to the ways I was hurting you…. I am very sorry for the ways I have treated you so poorly in the past few years. The short summary of my misbehavior was that, even though I did love you, I withheld expression of that love, and I am ashamed of that. This withholding was manifested in many ways: I was critical of you; I was aloof and withdrawn; I refused to help you when you needed it; I shut down and stopped trying; and I basically abandoned you and went on to other things. They were all forms of frustration and rebellion. When I think of how much of a jerk I was, I'm not surprised that you wanted out, but I am thankful you never acted on that impulse. Please forgive me, Jeni - I have acted selfishly and hurt you… You've commented in your letter that I'm almost always right… However, I hope you realize that I'm not interested in who is right but rather what is right. If I have conveyed any arrogance in this regard, shame on me… Thank you for your patience with me, for completing me, for making me feel loved even when I was unlovable. Thank you for letting me drink deeply from your well and for letting me thoroughly enjoy your beauty and your womanly charms. Thank you for being my fair lady. Even after all these years, you still take my breath away!
All My Love…”

Having said this, if your spouse is unresponsive don't say, "If you admitted your faults like I admit my faults, we could bring healing to our marriage." The rule of thumb is this: you must not try to get your spouse to confess. Your spouse must initiate confession on his/her own. Please don't misunderstand the point I am making. I'm only saying that when two individuals AT THE SAME TIME decide ON THEIR OWN to confess their faults -- without blame -- the marriage can do an about-face. Healing can come. What the apostle James writes seems apropos, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another… that you may be healed" (5:16).