Why is Marriage So Hard?

Photo Credit: Brook Mosser - Instagram: @brookmosser

From the letters I receive, I think it’s safe to say that none of us expected marriage to be so hard. Most of us thought we were marrying our best friend and lover and looked forward to being with them forever.

But it doesn’t take long for the marital bliss to wear off. Couples write me saying that the trouble started as soon as they got back from their honeymoon…or even during their honeymoon!

If we marry, we will have trouble.

It turns out that the Bible warned us that if we married, we would have trouble (1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV)! 

The Bible is not an antiquated book filled with rules to make us miserable. God’s commands are designed to help us, not to harm us. So when the apostle Paul warns us that if we marry, we will have trouble, he is just giving us a heads up on what to expect. Paul points out that marriage itself brings distractions -- as opposed to celibacy. These distractions that come to the married create distress and troubles for the marriage.

How we handle conflict is key.

Nothing kills the feeling of love like conflict…whether it’s overt conflict or simmering, below-the-surface conflict.

Conflict in itself is not bad. In fact, it’s essential and unavoidable in good relationships. But it’s how we handle the conflict that can be deadly to a marriage.

The quicker couples can accept a degree of conflict, the better off they will be.

Again, God has allowed these marital stresses. Obviously, I am not saying that all conflict is designed by God, but I encourage couples not to freak out and claim they've made a mistake because they have tension in their marriage. They are in the center of God's will, not outside of His will!

You don’t need to stay stuck in a cycle of conflict.

This is not to say that God wants us to stay stuck in conflict! The good news is this cycle can be broken. We call it the Crazy Cycle, and we made some discoveries that can help you get out of this cycle and begin to enjoy your marriage again.

What did we discover?

Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.

Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict. For example, if a woman feels unloved during conflict, her natural reaction is to respond disrespectfully. And when a husband feels disrespected during conflict, his reaction is to respond unlovingly. This is when the Crazy Cycle starts to spin: “Without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.”

Both need love and respect  but there's a different emphasis. The best way to respect a wife is to love her based on her need for love. The best way to love a husband is to respect him based on his need for respect.

Make your marriage easier!

Are you ready to break the cycle of conflict and move towards more peace in your marriage?

Try a new approach. The next time the Crazy Cycle spins out of control, ask yourself:

Does my wife need reassurance of my love even though we are in conflict?

Does my husband need to know I respect him even though I don't agree with him on this issue?

Remember, some conflict is healthy. It’s how you deal with that conflict that can make or break a marriage. 

Try more love and respect and see if your marriage gets a little easier.

Emerson

Are Love and Respect the Same Thing?

One wife, a strong-minded career woman, wrote to tell us how she and her husband were using the Love and Respect concepts and that, as a result, their Crazy Cycle had drastically slowed down.

A Wife Wrote…

My husband was able to see that when he would withdraw (often because I was disrespectful), I would feel abandoned or unloved. So I would go after him with a vengeance that would make a warrior cower . . . which would disrespect him and hurt him deeply, causing him to withdraw even more —the whole “Crazy Cycle.” But he, for the first time, was willing to see that he had acted “unlovingly.” He was able to own some part of it. I think he was able to see that I was more delicate (even though I try really hard to sell my strength to everyone, including him) and that I do need him and want his support and strength. I asked him to forgive me for being so disrespectful. We have been talking and things have been gradually changing. Mutual understanding is setting in.

Love and Respect Was Lacking

This couple was able to discern that what started the Crazy Cycle spinning was a lack of love for her and a lack of respect for him.

But women often ask, “Aren’t love and respect the same thing?” I respond, “No, they aren’t. For instance, you respect your boss. You don’t love your boss.”

I Respect You But…

I have been in counseling sessions with couples, and with her mate sitting there listening, the wife will readily say, “I love my husband but don’t feel any respect for him.”

But when I turn this around and ask the wives how they would feel if they would hear their husbands say, “I respect you but don’t love you,” they are horrified. They exclaim, “I would be devastated.”

I asked one wife, “How long would it take you to get over that?”

She quickly answered, “Forever.”

Many wives would be up in arms upon hearing, “I respect you but don’t love you.” That is taboo! She would view her husband as a very unloving human being.

I Love You But…

Yet this same wife feels she can readily say to him, “I love you but don’t respect you.” What she doesn’t understand is that her husband is equally devastated by her comment and it also takes him “forever” to “get over it.”

The bottom line is that husbands and wives have needs that are truly equal. Both need love and both need respect. I believe that, and I teach that! But especially during conflict, she needs unconditional love, and he needs unconditional respect.

Are you willing to consider that your spouse has a need that is different, yet equally important?

Emerson

Excerpts taken from Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

What I Know Now: New Moms, Lessons From a Fifth Grader

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

Hey friendlings,

We’ve finally come to the finish line of the What I Know Now series, a collection of little videos I made with my parents in celebration of The Illumination Project launch. My mom and pop have been sharing some nuggets of wisdom they’ve learned from different stages of their lives.

My dad may have just written a book on parenting called Love and Respect in the Family, but my mom is just as insightful. And by insightful I mean, “made just as many mistakes.”

No parent is perfect, but hopefully you’ll gain some of the wisdom she wishes she would have known while raising my two brothers.

And even though this video is about moms and their sons, I, the Eggerichs’ perfect child, have something to offer you:

THIS PERFECT CHILD…

IS GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING FOR FREE!!

Because my dad just published Love and Respect in the Family (and because I like you), if you join the discussion in the comment section below, you’ll be entered to win a free copy of the new book!

So sit back and enjoy the video, and let’s start talkin’!

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

P.s. What’s this shoulder-to-shoulder business? Learn more HERE. Or, check out my dad’s first book,Love and Respect.

Single? Newly Married? Wondering what Mama and Papa E have to say to you? Check it out HERE.

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Questions

Parents, what additional advice can you give to new moms who are raising boys?

Kids, what advice can YOU give based on how you were raised—what worked/didn’t work with your mothers?

Leave a comment to win…

If your name gets drawn we will email you to get your address, social security, police record, and last known whereabouts…and then send you your free copy of Love and Respect in the Family. Woohoo! 

Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

What I Know Now: New Dads, Put Pegs in the Floor

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

In case you’re just joining us, we’re in the last leg of the What I Know Now series.

As The Illumination Project (a 6-week study) was released this month, one of the main points I try to drive home is for all of us to seek wise counsel. So this series is another example of doing that—I ask my parents to share what they would tell themselves at different life stages. We’ve heard some great stories from when they were single and when they were newlyweds and now…

…when they became my parents. (AKA, the best years of their lives)

First up is Papa E, giving advice to all you dads out there who hope to form strong connections with your daughters.

His suggestion? Tell her that you love her, even when she’s an angsty teen who thinks the bedroom floor is her closet. (OTHER THAN THAT, I WAS THE PERFECT CHILD.)

AND THIS PERFECT CHILD…

IS GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING FOR FREE!! 

Because my dad just published Love and Respect in the Family (and because I like you), if you join the discussion in the comment section below, you’ll be entered to win a free copy of the new book!

I’ll send it to you personally and might even forge my dad’s signature…

But watch the video first—I’m watching you.

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

Single? Married? Check out what the ‘rents have to say to you HERE.

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Questions

Parents, what additional advice can you give to dads raising girls?

Children, what advice can YOU give of what worked/didn’t work with your dads?

Leave a comment to win…

If your name gets drawn we will email you to get your address, social security, police record, and last known whereabouts…and then send you your free copy of Love and Respect in the Family. Woohoo! …

***P.S… It's not too late to enter to WIN the Great Valentine's Day Giveaway of 2014!!   Click Here to Enter!!! 

Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.

What I Know Now: Newly Married Ladies and Joy’s Response to Sad Stories

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

In case you’re just tuning in, we’re smack dab in the middle of the What I Know Now series. My hope for all these parental interviews is to highlight the importance of asking questions and seeking counsel—we have so much to learn from those who’ve gone before us.

Think of it as an echo of The Illumination Project song, an opening band to the main show, a slice of apple pie before the main course.

(Which doesn’t really apply because I don’t love pie and would rather eat two main courses than a dessert. Just me?)

Anyway, my momma is here today sharing wisdom with those of you who have recently tied the knot and are living the dream of #newlymarriedbliss. For my parents, that dream involved being best friends and taping together carpet squares.

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

Want to hear what Emerson had to say to newly married men? Check it out HERE.

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Questions

What does it mean to put friendship first in a marriage?

What other advice would you give newly married ladies?

Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.

What I Know Now: Newly Married Men and Déjà Vu Conversations

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

Friendlings, if you’ve been around the site for the past week, you should know two things:

1. The Illumination Project has launched! My baby, born!

2. We are smack dab in the middle of the What I Know Now series, starring none other than my wonderful (and often hilarious) parentals.

My hope for these videos is for you to get a taste of what The Illumination Project is all about—seeking older, wiser counsel. Last week, my mom and dad weighed in on what they wished they had known when they were single and ready to mingle. For those of you keeping score at home, #dadjokes and high school memories are involved.

Today we’re talking with my padre about advice for all y’all who’ve recently gotten hitched. If that’s you, sit back and enjoy, because not only does my dad teach you about communication with your new spouse, he also throws in a little Spanish lesson.

Olé!

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

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Question

What advice would you give men who’ve recently tied the knot?

Single and searching (for advice)? Check out what the ‘rents had to say HERE.

Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.

What I Know Now: Single Ladies, You Don’t Have to Marry Them!

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

In light of one of the themes behind The Illumination Project—the importance of seeking counsel—I’ve brought in the ‘rents to talk all things wisdom.

They are, after all, older and wiser.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some interviews I did with my mom and pop about what they would tell themselves at different stages of their lives—as singles, as newlyweds, as new parents.

And today is your lucky day, because today my mom and I are throwin’ it back to when she was single and ready to mingle. So all the single ladies, listen up as Mama E talks respect, mean girls, and getting married after the first date.

Okay, maybe not that last one.

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

Want to know what Emerson had to say about being single? Check it out HERE.

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Questions

Gals, do you feel pressure to marry a guy if you date them? How can we be more open and free in dating?

Guys, what does respect look like to you personally?

Any more advice we can give our single ladies?

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

What I Know Now: Single Men, Keep Your Shirts On

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

Did you hear the good news?! The Illumination Project has officially launched! Don’t know what I’m talking about?! You may be living under a rock!

Lucky for you, the party is just getting started and even rock-dwellers are welcome.

The Illumination Project is at the heart of my desire for this generation—that we would learn from those that have gone before us by seeking older, wiser council, regardless of our own life stage. This way in 20 or 30 years, we won’t woefully look back and say, “If only I knew then what I know now.”

Cue my parents.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some interviews I did with my mom and pop about what they would tell themselves at different stages of their lives—as singles, as newlyweds, as new parents. And let me just say, these two are chock full o’ wisdom! These videos are not what you will get if you order The Illumination Project, but they’re based on the very same idea:

Seek Wisdom.

Today my father offers advice to all you single men out there, complete with a plethora of #dadjokes for everyone to enjoy.

You’re welcome.

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

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Questions

Single guys, how have you seen openness make an impact on your relationships, especially with women?

If only you knew then what you know now, what other pieces of wisdom do you have for single men?

_______

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

The Perfect Plan

Pre-Order Here!

 Some years ago when I was pastoring and my sons Jonathan and David were 11 and 9, we had some missionaries stay in our home for several days.  After a reminder in how they should behave, they were perfect angels the entire time the missionaries were there (this may have qualified as a miracle)!

However, minutes after our guests left, the boys got into a huge wrestling fight. Separating them I said, “What happened?!  You’ve both been so good!”  David said, "We can be good only so long."  I replied, "But I named you Jonathan and David so you'd be best of friends." To which David replied, “You should have named us Cain and Abel!”

I felt a mixture of joy and sorrow at that point:  sorrow that they seemed to be enemies rather than friends, yet joy that David obviously had been listening to the Bible stories!

So we all agree there is no perfect family – in fact, most families experience the Family Crazy Cycle on a daily basis.

But there is a plan to parent God’s way and this plan is the most perfect plan there is.  Does that mean if we follow the plan, we’ll have a perfect family?  No.  Obviously we are all flawed – so perfection is not possible here on earth.  But it is possible to succeed at parenting in God’s eyes if we follow His plan regardless. 

Malachi 4:6 says:  "Elijah will teach parents how to love their children. He will also teach children how to honor their parents. If that does not happen, I will come. And I will put a curse on the land” (NIRV).

Wow.  That’s pretty heavy.  What else does the Bible say about parenting?

God calls children to honor (respect) their parents in Exodus 20:12, Matthew 15:4, and Ephesians 6:2.

And though God puts agape-love in the heart of a parent, children do not always feel that unconditional love. Parents readily admit, “I love my child but I do not like my child.” This is why the older women are to encourage the young mothers to phileo-love their children in Titus 2:4. This Greek word is the root of our English word Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. In other words, mothers in the home are to be friendlier.  Though moms love their kids unconditionally, they can appear negative and irritated in the home.

 As for fathers, though they possess compassion for their children according to Psalm 103:13, kids do not always feel that love as dads provoke their children to anger (Ephesians 6:4) and exasperate them so that they lose heart (Colossians 3:21).

Bottom line: Kids need to feel loved just as parents need to feel respected.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

The good news is that when children feel loved they are motivated to respond positively to parents. And when parents feel respected they are energized to be lovingly affectionate with their kids.  When these needs are met, good things happen in the family.

That’s the perfect plan.  But of course, living this out is much more difficult on a day to day basis.  Ironically, parents who are supposed to be more emotionally mature than their children are often guilty of being just the opposite.  And children do not always respond to our love in the way we expect. 

But parenting is for adults only.  And as adults, the responsibility is on us to act like it. Can we parent God’s way even if our children disregard us, disobey us, and disrespect us?

We’ll delve into this more next time.  Until then, will you begin today to search the Scriptures for God’s blue print for parents?  I believe you’ll be encouraged.

~Emerson

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Pre-Order your copy of Love and Respect in the Family for just $14 here

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Removing the Log…part 2

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Last time, Bill shared how he learned the true meaning of unconditional love for his wife by discovering the log of self-righteousness in his own eye. I challenged you to take a look at your own “logs.”

How did you do?

Here’s another story of what can happen when we obey the practical command in Ephesians 5:33. The power of God can be unleashed to do miraculous things!

I heard your broadcast about respecting your husband.... I was truly convicted. I am a believer in Christ but my husband was not. I realized that I certainly showed him that I loved him, but I seldom showed that I respected him; one reason: I thought I "had one up on him" since I was a Christian.

I often resented some of the major decisions he made, telling him that he was wrong because he didn't pray about such important matters, therefore he wasn't using wisdom, and therefore he was wrong. I didn't stand with him on the decisions that he made, mostly concerning our finances.

He has always been a great husband and father, but every chance I got to tell him he was wrong, I did. Anyway... when my husband came home that night, I told him that I was sorry for not standing with him. I told him I may not believe everything he did was right, but I did believe in him.

After hearing you, every chance I got to tell or show my respect for my husband, I did… Because of the change in my heart and communication, doors were open in my husband's heart for God to enter. I am happy to say that after less than three weeks of this change in ME, my husband asked Jesus to come into his life!! Nine years of praying for God to change HIM was insignificant because all along it was God's plan to change ME. Words cannot thank you enough for bringing this Holy Spirit inspired message about respect to me. God bless you and your ministry. (Anonymous)

Fellow believers, you and I have a great responsibility in representing the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This includes how we behave in our marriage!

I’d love to hear how you removed a log from your own eye recently…and what happened when you did!

~Emerson