Question: My husband and I have a blended family with
a total of 4 children, ranging in ages from 10-19. Prior to our marriage 2 years ago, everyone
got along pretty well, but lately my teenagers have given us some trouble. My husband has not dealt with teenagers
before and he finds them very disrespectful.
I see him withdrawing more and more from them and even worse, from
me. I have read your book, Love & Respect, and I agree with the
principles. How can I apply it in this
situation?
Answer: When a couple
marries and has children, parenting problems are inevitable as we all have
different ideas and backgrounds from which we parent. But in the blended family, it becomes even
more complicated and emotional. Of
utmost importance is that the two of you decide on your parenting plan and the
boundaries around who does what. You must
present a united front to your children or they will take advantage of any weak
link they can find.
As
for applying Love and Respect to your situation, the principle is the
same: your husband’s deepest need is for
respect, and when he feels disrespected he will tend to act in unloving ways,
in this case by withdrawing. Your
respect for him is all the more important, but beyond that, there is the issue of
your children’s disrespect. This is an
opportunity for you to teach your children this principle.
Because
they are teenagers does not let them off the hook! Yes, it is “typical” for adolescents to
resist parental involvement, but these years give us many teachable moments. Respect for their stepfather is something you
can teach them and insist upon, even if they do not agree with him. For example, there is a respectful way to
disagree with someone in authority and you can effectively teach and model this
to your children. This is a lesson they
need as they navigate life.
Beyond
that, be aware of the common pitfalls amongst blended parents – and I am
speaking to all step-parents here, male and female. Do you consistently put your children’s needs
above your spouse’s? Do you support your
wife or husband when your children are disrespectful or do they “get by” with
being disrespectful to your spouse?
Above all, don’t pit your children against your spouse! Some of this can
be quite subtle, yet devastating.
