Who is the Mature One?

I often challenge couples by saying, “The mature one goes first.” 

It is much easier to sit back and say, “Well Emerson, I would be more loving if my wife was more respectful!” Or, “Why should I show my husband respect when he is treating me in an unloving way?”  

Of course it is easier to be obedient to God in our marriage when our husband or wife is also being obedient. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

So who goes first?

My answer:  the mature one.

How do you know if you are the mature one? Let me put it this way.  I can tell you if you are the immature one.

The immature person uses this information not to change themselves, but to try to change their spouse. Their whole mindset is to get their spouse to be more loving or respectful rather than trying to be more loving or respectful themselves. They do not believe that they have the power to influence their spouse, but instead see their spouse as having all the power to influence them. Therefore they must change their spouse in order to be happy.

The immature person lacks obedience to God's commands. Instead their mission is to get their spouse to obey God's command toward them. Bottom line, the Lord will not honor that and a spouse is not going to respond to that any more than if the roles were reversed.

The mature person, on the other hand, will do their part to improve the marriage, even if it means putting their own feelings aside. They will choose obedience to God’s commands over their own feelings and over their circumstances.  That’s because they understand the nature of God:  He is a good God, whose commands are given to help us, not to harm us.

Let me also add that the mature one does not tell their disobedient spouse that they are immature. Nor do they throw it around that they are doing all of these loving or respectful things because of their maturity. That would be immature – and counterproductive! Shaming or condemning your spouse for their immaturity is really a reflection of your own immaturity. The mature spouse displays their loving or respectful actions with a humble heart.

Which are you in your relationship?  The mature one – or the immature one?

If you have hesitated to step out in faith and honor God in your marriage, trust His word and His character. Trust that He would not ask you to do something foolish. He is too wise for that. Be the mature one and make the first loving or respectful move. It could change everything!

~Emerson

How to Energize Your Marriage

Photo Credit: Daniel White

Are you looking for some new ways to energize your marriage?

If you are on board with love and respect as the two essential ingredients in your marriage, you may still be asking how it works.

So let’s get practical.

How do we show love and respect in practical ways?

Following are several real-life examples that I hope will bring more clarity to how these principles play out practically.

He was crushing his wife’s spirit.

One husband related to me that his marriage was breaking down and he did not even see it. Both powerful firstborns and successful career people, they could not communicate without one trying to force his or her will on the other. The conference helped the husband see that every time he insisted on his own opinion or wishes, he was crushing his wife’s spirit. He decided to stop coming across in an authoritarian manner, and now peace reigns in their home. He writes:

When I come home or talk with her during the day, I talk to her in a loving way. I communicate that I love her and respect her opinion. If things get out of hand – which they sometimes do – I reflect after the fact and approach her in a loving way. We talk back over the incident and move forward, usually in agreement. Even if one of us has to give in, we are both comfortable with the outcome.

She was waiting for him to “get a clue.”

When another wife stopped communicating to her husband that he was an idiot with no insights worth sharing, then he started to be more responsive. She also sees a real improvement in her ability to express her needs to him instead of “becoming so hurt he just can’t figure me out.” Her email continues:

If I need something from him like time or attention or specific encouragement, I have the confidence to bring those requests to him because I know his greatest desire is to be my knight in shining armor. This seems like such a simple principle, yet it has freed me from the huffing and puffing and waiting for him to get a clue. Now I have the freedom to respectfully request  things I need and not set him up for failure (mind reading...).

Learn to ask...then listen.

Sometimes spouses may think they are making all the right energizing moves, but they are overlooking one simple thing. One husband admits:

I asked my wife if she felt loved. (We have been married thirty-seven years, and I have even done some teaching on marriage relationships.) Because I do so many things to demonstrate my love for her, I expected to hear a hearty “Of course, Jim!” so I was shocked when she was just silent. I reminded her of all the things I do to show her love, and I told her I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t giving me an answer. When she finally did answer, it changed my entire approach to demonstrating love to my wife. She said, “I do appreciate all the things you do for me, but the way I feel loved is…by the way you talk to me. When you talk to me the way you do to your men friends, I don’t feel love.” Wow! What an eye-opener that was!

Take the first step to energize your marriage.

What will you do this week to improve your communication style so that you can stay on the Energizing Cycle? 

• Stop and listen to your tone.
• Ask your spouse what he/she needs from you.
•  Communicate your own needs more lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Love and respect will interact and flow back and forth on both sides in order for a marriage to stay energized. But someone has to make the first move. Will you be first?

Emerson

Two Simple Things That Speak Romance to Her

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Men, you may not be as romantic as your wife (you sleep during the movie Sleepless in Seattle), but you are a man of honor, and a man of honor discerns the desires in the heart of his wife.

Let me recommend two things that feed the romance for her: she needs predictable face to face time with you and she wants periodic surprises.

Yes, I know for most men it isn’t romantic to sit and focus eye to eye with your wife while she shares her feelings (burdens), especially if you have heard it before.  However, the best way to energize your wife, and even turn her on, is to give her your full, undivided attention when she talks to you. For example, set aside some time each evening for this. Sarah and I used to sit for 15 minutes each evening while she shared her day with me.  She connected with me this way. I realized that Sarah had a need that I did not have, but I concluded that was ok.  I was happy to meet that need and she respected me for it!

   

Because you need less emotional connection does not mean your wife should feel as you feel.  One way to picture your marriage is with a line that has the word Involvement at one end and the word Independence at the other. In the typical marriage relationship, she leans more toward the “involvement” side (to connect!) and he leans more toward the “Independence” side.  I am talking about the bell curve here.  But here’s the deal. Men, when you get too independent (especially when you stonewall), she does not feel close to you and begins to feel you don’t love her.  As a man of honor are you willing to step toward her and give her more of your heart and involvement, even if it appears she talks in ways that feel too negative and complaining to you?  Truth is, you are the Christ-figure and she is casting her burden on you.  When you act in this honorable way, she will feel fond feelings of admiration for you. Can you give her this gift?

Another way a woman feels loved is by little surprises. To her, it means that you are thinking about her…and that means you love her. Men, do whatever you need to do to remind yourself of this simple principle! Set a reminder on your phone to surprise your wife with a text that simply says “I love you”…or pick up a rose on the way home from work…or give her a call and tell her you’re picking up dinner. The surprises can be as simple as that…they need not be complicated or expensive or take weeks of planning.

So, be predictable and be unpredictable!  Give her predictable time face to face and surprise her behind her back.

~Emerson

Trust God to Work

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Perhaps the major problem that keeps so many couples somewhere between the Crazy Cycle and the Energizing Cycle is the fear that, even though they try to practice the Love and Respect Connection, it won’t work.  Or, that they will be the only one in the marriage trying, and their spouse won’t reciprocate.

To these couples, my advice is always the same:  Don’t give up because it doesn’t seem to be working.  Keep showing your spouse unconditional love and unconditional respect.  Look for even the slightest improvements.  A husband doesn’t bring flowers, but he does fix the leaky faucet.  The wife still has a headache more than you like, but she has toned down the negativity. 

Here’s an example of a wife who felt nothing was happening but later was amazed.  She called her ex-husband and apologized because she hadn’t always respected his position in their home.  (She is a Christian, and he is not.)  There was silence, and then he responded, “Thank you.”  That ended the conversation, but several days later he called back at midnight in tears, wondering why she had made her apology.  She explained she had to ask forgiveness for not being what she should have been as a wife.  Again, the conversation ended abruptly.  Not much seemed to be happening.  Another week passed, and again he called at midnight.  He had been thinking of everything he had done, and he was sorry.  He went on about all of his mistakes – “some of the few kind words he has ever said to me.”

In another situation, a wife moved out and bought another home.  I coached the husband on how to behave toward her in more loving ways.  This went on for some time, and he was seeing little progress.  Then one day she said, “Are you wanting me to beg you to ask me to come back home?”

The above are just a few examples of what can happen.  Don’t give up because weeks or months pass with no response.  Don’t interpret delay as defeat.  Don’t assume that what you are doing is unfruitful.  Most often, love or respect is working on your spouse more than you realize.  Something is transpiring in the soul of that person.  Have confidence that God will work.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Loveand Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.                                            

                                                       

                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

More Energizing Examples...

Last week I shared a testimony from a couple who discovered mutual respect for one another.  Because I talk about a woman’s deepest need for love, and a man’s deepest need for respect, I sometimes get the comment from women, “Well, I need respect too!”  To which I reply, “Absolutely!”  Just because a woman most often speaks a love language, does not mean she doesn’t desire respect.  And just because a man most often speaks the language of respect, does not mean he has no need for love.  Love and respect will interact and flow back and forth on both sides in order for a marriage to stay energized.

Bottom line: don’t get hung up on the semantics.  

Following are several real-life examples that I hope will bring more clarity to how these principles play out practically.

One husband related to me that his marriage was breaking down and he did not even see it.  Both powerful firstborns and successful career people, they could not communicate without one trying to force his or her will on the other.  The conference helped the husband see that every time he insisted on his own opinion or wishes, he was crushing his wife’s spirit. He decided to stop coming across in an authoritarian manner, and now peace reigns in their home.  He writes:

When I come home or talk with her during the day, I talk to her in a loving way.  I communicate that I love her and respect her opinion.  If things get out of hand – which they sometimes do – I reflect after the fact and approach her in a loving way.  We talk back over the incident and move forward, usually in agreement.  Even if one of us has to give in, we are both comfortable with the outcome. 

When another wife stopped communicating to her husband that he was an idiot with no insights worth sharing, then he started to be more understanding.  She also sees a real improvement in her ability to express her needs to him instead of “becoming so hurt he just can’t figure me out.”  Her e-mail continues:

If I need something from him like time or attention or specific encouragement, I have the confidence to bring those requests to him because I know his greatest desire is to be my knight in shining armor.  This seems like such a simple principle, yet it has freed me from the huffing and puffing and waiting for him to get a clue.  Now I have the freedom to request respectfully things I need and not set him up for failure.  (Mind reading is a terrible way to make a marriage.)

Sometimes spouses may think they are making all the right energizing moves, but they are overlooking one simple thing.  One husband admits:

When I heard the title of your seminar, I asked my wife if she felt loved. (We have been married thirty-seven years, and I have even done some teaching on marriage relationships.)  Because I do so many things to demonstrate my love for her, I expected to hear a hearty “Of course, Jim!” so I was shocked when she was just silent.  I reminded her of all the things I do to show her love, and I told her I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t giving me an answer.  When she finally did answer, it changed my entire approach to demonstrating love to my wife.  She said, “I do appreciate all the things you do for me, but the way I feel loved is…by the way you talk to me.  When you talk to me the way you do to your men friends, I don’t feel love.”  Wow!  What an eye-opener that was!

Can you relate to any of these examples?  Do you need to stop and listen to your tone or ask your spouse what he/she needs from you?  Do you need to learn to communicate your own needs more lovingly or respectfully to your spouse?  What will you do this week to improve your communication style so that you can stay on the Energizing Cycle?

~Emerson

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Mutual Respect

These last several weeks I have been sharing with you the “if-then” principle that keeps the Energizing Cycle humming in your marriage.  

Today I want to share the final "if-then" principle:  

If a husband chooses to esteem and honor his wife and her role in the family, then his wife is motivated to accept and respect his desire to protect and provide for her and their children.

I heard from a wife who understood this powerful connection after reading Love & Respect made her aware of how unfulfilled her husband was in their relationship.  She admits that, although she deeply loved him, she never understood him.  The daughter of a domineering father, she had seen her mother struggle as he “kept his wife in her place,” and she determined this would never happen to her.  

After getting married, she and her husband both had careers, but she had the better job, which paid well.  When children began to arrive, she went to part-time and, because her husband had a rotating schedule, she could schedule herself to work when he could be at home.  She felt proud that she could show her husband she could be independent of him and show him it was her choice – not his choice – to be with him.  She had no idea of how he felt until they learned about Love and Respect.  Her letter continues:

I didn’t want a man to lord it over me like my father had, but this has brought about in my husband intense feelings of disrespect and of not even being needed in his own home.  Also, he has chosen to work at a job that is not fulfilling nor financially rewarding, but one that allows us to raise our children without day care.  He has stayed at this job to allow me greater freedom to be home, and I never looked at this as a tremendous sacrifice.  I just thought he was too afraid to try anything else.  We bought Love & Respect and read through it together.  When I saw the tears flow from years of misunderstanding and pain, it crushed me.  I feel an immense freedom now when I’m with my husband because he knows that I understand and can respond in his native tongue.

When this wife understood that her husband was honoring her by holding a lesser job, she became fully aware of how he was practicing headship of his family in a humble, sacrificial way, and she honored him by showing her deep respect.  They had been on a Crazy Cycle for years almost without realizing it.  Love and Respect put them on the Energizing Cycle and, as she says in closing, “saved our marriage.”

If you’ve attended a Love and Respect Conference, or read our books, you are familiar with the acronym COUPLE:  How to Show Love to Your Wife; and CHAIRS:  How to Show Respect to Your Husband.  If not, I encourage you to grab a copy of Love & Respect or The Language of Love & Respect and study how these principles can keep your marriage energized!

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

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Time for an Attitude Adjustment (Loyalty & Conquest)

An FBI agent confided in me that the amount of time he spent on his job was causing his wife to complain and question him even though he actually thought he was balancing things “pretty well.”  He would get defensive and lash back at her, saying he was trying his best to do a good job and he didn't appreciate her questioning.  


They would slip onto the Crazy Cycle from time to time because he heard her questioning the manner in which he tried to do his best at work, and he felt disrespected.  His wife, however, was simply feeling unloved because she saw him spending inordinate amounts of time away from her.

One way a wife can let her husband know she respects him, is to appreciate his desire to do a good job and achieve in his field of endeavor (conquest).  She does this by thanking him for his efforts and letting him know she is behind him.  But, what if a wife has concerns that her husband is so focused on his work that he is neglecting her and the children? 

One way a husband honors and cherishes his wife is to show her she is first in his heart by spending focused time with her (loyalty).  But what if his work demands keep him away from home more than either of them would like? 

How can we stay on the Energizing Cycle during these times of seemingly unavoidable conflict?

This is what the FBI agent discovered:

Not until we discussed it in light of our love and respect needs did we truly understand the feelings of each other on this issue.  While I couldn’t do much to readjust my schedule (as a matter of fact, it soon got even more demanding time-wise), what changed for us was the ability to understand each other’s intentions, and with that understanding came a release from the tension that blocked our communication. Our problem was 90 percent attitude and 10 percent circumstances.  Once we understood that and made necessary adjustments, we deal with the 10 percent without much difficulty.

With mutual understanding came better communication!  This couple made a crucial decision to listen to the other’s needs with understanding rather than “attitude.” 

Is it time for an attitude adjustment in your marriage?

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

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How UNDERSTANDING connects with INSIGHT

Several weeks ago, I started a series on being PROACTIVE, not REACTIVE.  I emphasized the importance of not just stopping the Crazy Cycle of conflict in our marriages, but learning how to be proactive by getting on the Energizing Cycle.  To do this, I’ve been introducing some specific things husbands and wives can do to proactively stay energized in their marriage. 

Before continuing, may I gently encourage each of you to pay attention to what YOU can do rather than what your spouse is NOT doing?  We all need to remember that pointing the finger of blame NEVER works.  The mature one moves first, right?  If you truly want to move your marriage forward, continually ask yourself what you can do, not what your spouse should be doing. 

This week let’s focus on something we can all improve on – learning to listen more effectively!  Let’s explore how understanding connects with insight when it comes to listening.

If a husband chooses to listen to his wife’s concerns and problems in an understanding way, she will be motivated to appreciate his insights.  And as a wife listens to her husband’s insights, views and opinions, he will be motivated to listen to her with understanding instead of immediately trying to fix her problem.

I get many letters that affirm this is really a no-brainer.  One husband found himself quickly riding the Crazy Cycle when he responded to his wife’s problems and hurts with solutions and advice.  He had the best intentions, but his wife lashed out, asking him not to preach to her or try to fix her.  He explains:

I would then be frustrated, thinking, “What did I do?  This is the same advice I would give anyone who comes to me for help.  Why is she trashing it?”  Thus, she did not feel loved and I did not feel respected. 

Now I understand the need to listen and literally ask the question: “Do you need solutions or do you need me to just listen?”  It has opened up communication and strengthened the bonds between us.

A wife wrote to confess that she had planned their daughter’s wedding and left her husband out of the loop about the expenses, which were considerable.  He became angry and started complaining that everyone just ignored what he might think and that, basically, he got no respect.  Instead of lashing back about this being their only daughter and she deserved a nice wedding, his wife remembered what she’d recently learned about respect.  She chose to look at the situation from his standpoint.  She apologized and admitted she was wrong in the way she had been handling the plans.  She continues:

We talked over the wedding budget and agreed on how much we would contribute to it.  He settled right down and we were able to discuss the expenses clearly and rationally…In the past I would try to get him to settle down by telling him I loved him, and he would say, “I know that!  But you take me for granted!”  He doesn’t use the respect word, but he does use the taken for granted phrase, which is the same thing.  I never understood why telling him of my love wasn’t enough.  Now we work together as a team on our problems.

Husbands, do you need to listen with understanding, rather than trying to fix your wife’s problems? 

Wives, do you need to solicit and listen to your husband’s insights, views, and opinions before marching ahead with your plans?

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.