Why is Marriage So Hard?

Photo Credit: Brook Mosser - Instagram: @brookmosser

From the letters I receive, I think it’s safe to say that none of us expected marriage to be so hard. Most of us thought we were marrying our best friend and lover and looked forward to being with them forever.

But it doesn’t take long for the marital bliss to wear off. Couples write me saying that the trouble started as soon as they got back from their honeymoon…or even during their honeymoon!

If we marry, we will have trouble.

It turns out that the Bible warned us that if we married, we would have trouble (1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV)! 

The Bible is not an antiquated book filled with rules to make us miserable. God’s commands are designed to help us, not to harm us. So when the apostle Paul warns us that if we marry, we will have trouble, he is just giving us a heads up on what to expect. Paul points out that marriage itself brings distractions -- as opposed to celibacy. These distractions that come to the married create distress and troubles for the marriage.

How we handle conflict is key.

Nothing kills the feeling of love like conflict…whether it’s overt conflict or simmering, below-the-surface conflict.

Conflict in itself is not bad. In fact, it’s essential and unavoidable in good relationships. But it’s how we handle the conflict that can be deadly to a marriage.

The quicker couples can accept a degree of conflict, the better off they will be.

Again, God has allowed these marital stresses. Obviously, I am not saying that all conflict is designed by God, but I encourage couples not to freak out and claim they've made a mistake because they have tension in their marriage. They are in the center of God's will, not outside of His will!

You don’t need to stay stuck in a cycle of conflict.

This is not to say that God wants us to stay stuck in conflict! The good news is this cycle can be broken. We call it the Crazy Cycle, and we made some discoveries that can help you get out of this cycle and begin to enjoy your marriage again.

What did we discover?

Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.

Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict. For example, if a woman feels unloved during conflict, her natural reaction is to respond disrespectfully. And when a husband feels disrespected during conflict, his reaction is to respond unlovingly. This is when the Crazy Cycle starts to spin: “Without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.”

Both need love and respect  but there's a different emphasis. The best way to respect a wife is to love her based on her need for love. The best way to love a husband is to respect him based on his need for respect.

Make your marriage easier!

Are you ready to break the cycle of conflict and move towards more peace in your marriage?

Try a new approach. The next time the Crazy Cycle spins out of control, ask yourself:

Does my wife need reassurance of my love even though we are in conflict?

Does my husband need to know I respect him even though I don't agree with him on this issue?

Remember, some conflict is healthy. It’s how you deal with that conflict that can make or break a marriage. 

Try more love and respect and see if your marriage gets a little easier.

Emerson

In Marriage, We Will Have Trouble!

I even go so far as to say that God has designed conflict in marriage.

Yes, God desires that we all live in harmony, but that doesn’t mean we will live in an environment free from all conflict (or trouble). 

But conflict itself is not sin. 

God designed us with differing preferences.  In marriage, husbands and wives have different preferences that are not sin issues…they are simply differences.  How we deal with these differences can lead to sin rather than harmony….but having differences (i.e. conflicting preferences) does not mean we aren’t living in harmony. 

It is how we deal with those conflicts that will either lead to harmony or sin.

In 1 Corinthians 7:28 the Apostle Paul says that we will have "trouble" if we marry.  Marriages bring trouble. That comes as no surprise to those of us who are married! But Paul does not label this "trouble" as evidence of sin or the result of sin per se. His very point is that if you marry, you have not sinned.

In other words, marriage brings troubles, and those troubles are inevitable.  If you marry, get ready for troubles.  He does not pass judgment on this trouble as evil or sinful.

So what does he mean by trouble?  Earlier he illustrated exactly what he means by trouble. Every text has a context!

1Co 7:3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

1Co 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

When saying the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does, and the wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does, he is talking of the sexual relationship. 

What is Paul saying?  Paul is getting real.  Paul is saying, to paraphrase, "Look, you are going to have trouble in your marriage when it comes to sex.  On Tuesday night when the husband wants sex and the wife does not want sex, who decides?  Get ready for trouble.  Or, if the wife wants sex and the husband does not want sex, who decides?  Get ready for trouble.   In this text, both have equal authority in the sexual realm.

So - some, not all, conflict or trouble is the result of God's design and is in keeping with his will, and therefore we should not freak out when it happens.  This is the good news. We should not panic, feeling we made a mistake in marrying this person because we have these ongoing troubles.  If these troubles are not evil but the typical conflicts day by day, you are very much in God's will. 

Don't bail out.  Don't say your marriage isn't working because of these frustrations.  Instead, focus on dealing with those conflicts in a way that leads to harmony, not sin.

~Emerson

What if We Are an Exception to Pink and Blue? Part 2

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In the next several weeks, I’ll share with you the most frequently asked questions we get at Love & Respect Ministries.  Last week I responded to the concern of those who feel like they are an exception to the “pink and blue” analogy I often use.  

Here’s how one young couple learned to unpack their unique conflict style and turn it into a win-win: 

My wife and I, who have been married since 2009 have been incredibly blessed by Love & Respect. During our engagement we watched the L&R video conference and it was life changing. It was especially life changing for me because I could nail down why I was feeling the way I did during even the smallest of conflicts…One thing that we did notice is how different we are in some areas that are typically generalized for men and women. In the conference and book, Dr. Eggerichs talks about how men stonewall and women confront during a disagreement. Well, our marriage has proved to be very different; I guess we could be considered a minority.

During a disagreement I am the confronter and my wife is the stonewaller. When she feels unloved she needs time and space to process, and goes off into another room. I, on the other hand, tend to chase after her trying to resolve the issue. Through our time together we've learned to adjust to how the other responds.

I am proud to be a “minority,” but am also thankful that we learned our differences and how to apply them through L&R. We're both stubborn and get defensive very quickly in a disagreement, but are both aware of our flaws and tend to resolve our issues shortly after they begin. We are a volatile couple and are thankful because it just increases our love and respect for each other after every bout we have. We thank God for introducing us to L&R and for continually reminding us both what the other needs, unconditionally. (JS)

I always love hearing from young couples who figure this stuff out early in their marriage! But even if you’ve been married over 35 years like me and Sarah, you can keep learning how to make your marriage better. Conflict will always be a part of relationships, but focusing on the Love & Respect connection helps us minimize and resolve these conflicts more effectively.

~Emerson

What if We are an Exception to Pink and Blue?

At times I receive mail or personal inquiries at our conferences to the effect:  "We don't fit your description of husband and wife. She is the one who stonewalls, and he is the one who 'lets it all hang out.'”

My answer is that cultural and personal applications can vary.  I use general examples that apply to the majority, but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you if you fall into the minority.  We are all uniquely different.

 My parents were a good example. My father would come at my mother ranting and raving in anger - confronting her because he wanted to communicate. She simply shut down and withdrew. Then he would withdraw also, and there would be icy silence for many hours and sometimes days. 

Both my parents wanted to connect with each other, but they could not out of ignorance or fear. Mom longed to connect with Dad (as every woman wants to connect with her husband), but she would pull back because she feared his anger. And Dad wanted to connect with Mom, but his feelings of being disrespected (she was the key breadwinner for many years) kept him in a state of frustration and anger. At the deepest core, however, my mother still was seeking love and my father was seeking respect.

We get other inquiries regarding "exceptions." For example, a woman wrote to tell me that in certain aspects of personality her husband was more "pink" than "blue" and she was more "blue" than "pink." She was reared in a home dominated by her father's values: education, intelligence, strength, pride, and lack of emotions. She wrote: "Subsequently, as I became a woman, I thought that to be loved (the kind of love that would touch the core of my being), I had to seek recognition for all the things that came naturally to 'blue' instead of to 'pink.'" On the other hand, her husband was raised in a very warm, nurturing environment, full of unconditional love. "So naturally," she continued, "[he] grew up with a HIGH regard for those very 'pink' tendencies that made him feel so complete and unconditionally loved."

In short, this wife focused on "respect" in order to get love. Her husband focused on "love" in order to get respect. Until I helped them unpack their puzzle, she thought respect was her deepest value and he thought love was his deepest value. In truth, he was doing "the pink thing" to get respect, and she was doing "the blue thing" to be loved.

The constants are this:  during conflict, awoman’s deepest need is to feel loved and a husband’s deepest need is to feelrespected.  The variables are how each individual reacts and responds to conflict, out of their temperament or their past learned behavior. The key to effective marital communication is to learn how to unpack your unique puzzle!  More on that next time!   

~Emerson

Trust God to Work

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Perhaps the major problem that keeps so many couples somewhere between the Crazy Cycle and the Energizing Cycle is the fear that, even though they try to practice the Love and Respect Connection, it won’t work.  Or, that they will be the only one in the marriage trying, and their spouse won’t reciprocate.

To these couples, my advice is always the same:  Don’t give up because it doesn’t seem to be working.  Keep showing your spouse unconditional love and unconditional respect.  Look for even the slightest improvements.  A husband doesn’t bring flowers, but he does fix the leaky faucet.  The wife still has a headache more than you like, but she has toned down the negativity. 

Here’s an example of a wife who felt nothing was happening but later was amazed.  She called her ex-husband and apologized because she hadn’t always respected his position in their home.  (She is a Christian, and he is not.)  There was silence, and then he responded, “Thank you.”  That ended the conversation, but several days later he called back at midnight in tears, wondering why she had made her apology.  She explained she had to ask forgiveness for not being what she should have been as a wife.  Again, the conversation ended abruptly.  Not much seemed to be happening.  Another week passed, and again he called at midnight.  He had been thinking of everything he had done, and he was sorry.  He went on about all of his mistakes – “some of the few kind words he has ever said to me.”

In another situation, a wife moved out and bought another home.  I coached the husband on how to behave toward her in more loving ways.  This went on for some time, and he was seeing little progress.  Then one day she said, “Are you wanting me to beg you to ask me to come back home?”

The above are just a few examples of what can happen.  Don’t give up because weeks or months pass with no response.  Don’t interpret delay as defeat.  Don’t assume that what you are doing is unfruitful.  Most often, love or respect is working on your spouse more than you realize.  Something is transpiring in the soul of that person.  Have confidence that God will work.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Loveand Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.                                            

                                                       

                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

from Michael Hyatt: "What I Learned About Leadership From A Fight With My Wife"

My friend Michael Hyatt is one of the most profound writers on leadership that I know.  His recent blog post linking leadership principles to marital conflict resolution did not disappoint. 


Check out his transparent and insightful post: "What I Learned About Leadership From A Fight With My Wife."


~Emerson

Crying Wives and Angry Husbands

I am thankful that the Love and Respect ideas continue to be part of the conversation of such authors as Shaunti Feldhan and Gary Thomas.

Gary writes in Sacred Influence, "Far too often women expect to argue with a man just as they would argue with a woman. Furthermore, they assume the way they handle conflict is the best way, or even the only appropriate way. In For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhan asks a provocative question: ‘If you are in a conflict with the man in your life, do you think that it is legitimate to break down and cry? Most of us would probably answer yes. Let me ask another question: In the same conflict, do you think it is legitimate for your man to get really angry? Many of us have a problem with that – we think he’s not controlling himself or that he’s behaving improperly.’

“The question needs to be asked: why do women tend to respond with hurt, and men tend to respond with anger? It all has to do with the male need for respect. Shaunti goes on to quote Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, who explains, ‘In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman’s response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man’s response to feeling disrespected.’"

Gary continues, “Men get most frustrated – and angriest – when they feel disrespected. If your conversation takes on a demeaning tone, you have as much chance of resolving something as you would baking a cake by throwing the ingredients down the garbage disposal. You can’t control your husband’s anger – but you can provoke it by being disrespectful. That doesn’t excuse any inappropriate actions on his part, but if you truly want to be part of the solution, then learn how to disagree with your husband without showing a lack of respect…” (page 148,149).