When I Don’t Feel Like It

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A Testimony from Kim…

When I am feeling lonely, discouraged, frustrated, and disrespected in my marriage, and totally unloved by my husband (of twenty five years), I focus on God's command to respect him ANYWAY. I focus on the truth that my respect will bless my husband ....regardless of whether or not he responds with the love I need from him. I remind myself that I am to respect him in every sense of the word…I know that God is blessed by my obedience. I know that He smiles and blesses me when I trust Him with my heart and feelings. In those moments, I know that my reward will be in heaven.

While storing up treasures in heaven feels great, that is NOT what keeps me going! I do not use respectful behavior as a sort of "works" to win brownie points with God. Not on my life!

When I trust God to protect my heart and fill my love tank in the face of disrespect, when I step out in faith and positively apply respect when I don't feel like it or don’t feel my husband deserves it, when I obey my Father's command to respect, I feel peace and love. A sort of warm little hug of encouragement to hang in there from my heavenly husband. That is what keeps me focused on the Rewarded Cycle! And those little God-hugs remind me to dwell on the times my good-willed husband has responded to my respectful behavior in amazing, incredibly loving, God inspired ways. (Kim)

Taken from the Respectfully Yours DVD study

FAQ: What if we Started our Marriage all Wrong?

Last week I encouraged you to look back on how God brought you and your spouse together.  But what if you weren’t following God when you married?  In fact, what if you started your marriage all wrong?  Does God give us a pass and allow us to walk away and start over?

Aside from the marriage statistics that reveal second and third marriages have even greater chances of failure, there are many reasons to stay together rather than walk away.  In J. Waite’s book, The Case for Marriage, comprehensive research findings have staggered the thinking of many.  In studying unhappy couples – and we mean unhappy – scholars sought to know how many of these couples remained miserable if they stayed in the marriage.  Five years after reporting their unhappiness in marriage, seventy percent of the unhappiest couples testified that they were “very” or “quite” happy in their marriage.  Only 12 percent of very unhappily married couples who stuck it out were still unhappy.  Though good marriages go bad, bad marriages go good!

Bottom line:  No matter what brought you together, if you put your trust in God right here, right now, and determine to do marriage God’s way…there is hope for you. 

Here is a testimony that illustrates even a couple who started out all wrong, can turn things around:

My husband and I rushed into our relationship, rushed to move in together and rushed to get married - never acknowledging our issues until after we were married. Before I found your book, we were actually at the point where we were thinking  our marriage was a mistake. When I brought your book home I told my husband that this would be “the last straw to making our marriage work" and asked him if he would read it with me.
 Well we began your book, and I can see changes happening in our marriage, and in the friendship that my husband and I have together. It is an indescribable feeling to be reading a passage in your book and be like "Wow - is that me?” or “Do I really act like this?” So Thank You! Thank You! We are beginning to have the marriage that we always wanted to have with each other!!!

Does your marriage feel hopeless?  Don’t give up!  Rely on the Lord to show you what he wants you to learn through this time.  The couple in the testimony above were teachable…asking themselves, “Is that me?  Do I really act like this?”  What does God want to teach you during this tough season in your marriage?  It’s not too late if you put your hope and trust in God!

~Emerson

Giving Thanks After Thanksgiving

The Bible says in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

What does giving thanks in everything mean? It means give thanks for the good things and for the things that are less than good, trusting that God is working all bad things together for good (Romans 8:28). 

Permit me to focus on the first part of giving thanks: thanking God for the good in our lives. 

How often do we give thanks for the good things? Most of us have health, freedom, employment, insurance, homes, cars, TVs, food, clothing, friends, family, entertainment, recreation, ministry, Bibles, and the list goes on. Did I say the list goes on? Yet, do we regularly give thanks to God? Or, do we feel we deserve what we do have and fixate on what we don’t have? 

For example, many wives share with me their list of negatives about their husbands. They see what their husbands lack. Because of this tendency to fixate on what they don’t have, I challenge these wives to write down all the positive things they see in their husbands and thank God for what they do have. A wife wrote, “Every day I am writing one thing I am thankful for about my husband, and then most days sharing it with him as an encouragement. I want to set my mind on my husband’s good points and am praying that God will restore (our) desire and love…” 

Giving thanks applies to all relationships! Listen to what this young man said about his girlfriend: “I realized that, if instead of focusing on the one area she lacks, I began to think and dwell on all the great and lovely things I find attractive about her, I see myself being very satisfied. I even thought, ‘What if I was married to this woman and coming home to her every day?’ My general sense and feeling was, yes, that is something I can do and would probably look forward to. I need to give thanks for her many positive qualities.” (I received word while writing this that he just proposed to her!)

For sure, when we give thanks for what we do have, acting on 1 Thessalonians 5:18, we see life and people more positively and actually find ourselves happier!

~Emerson

Excerpt from: http://emersonandsarah.blogspot.com/2009/12/giving-thanks-after-thanksgiving.html

When It Simply Doesn’t Work – What Then?

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What is your worst fear in marriage?  Is it that you will do all you can to love and respect unconditionally but your spouse will not respond?  If so, you are not alone in that fear. I hear of this concern often from husbands and wives around the country. But 1 Peter 3:6 tells us to do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

But how should you proceed?  What if you have moved forward in good faith with unconditional love and respect, but your spouse has not responded?

As Jesus spoke of the trials and tribulations believers might have to go through for Him, He mentioned that “a man’s enemies will be the members of his household” (Matthew 10:36).  For you, it may feel just this way.  So should you simply say, “This Love and Respect thing doesn’t work”? 

When you love or respect unconditionally, you are following God and His will for you.  Ultimately, your spouse and your marriage have nothing to do with it.  You are simply demonstrating your obedience and trust in the face of an unlovable wife or a disrespecting husband.  Unconditional love and unconditional respect will be rewarded.   I call this the Rewarded Cycle.  Jesus said, “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?” (Matthew 5:46).  Jesus could have had your troubled marriage in mind when He said that.

I believe Paul also had your marriage in mind when he penned Ephesians 6:7-8:  “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free” (NIV).  Paul is saying that whatever we do as to the Lord we will receive back from the Lord.  In marriage, everything you do counts, even if your spouse ignores you!  This is what the Rewarded Cycle is all about:  His Love Blesses Regardless of Her Respect; Her Respect Blesses Regardless of His Love.

If you are feeling alone in your marriage, and your spouse is not responding to your efforts, will you allow this to encourage you? You are not alone. Your efforts to love and respect unconditionally are not going unnoticed by God!  He is for you and He WILL honor you for your obedience.  Stay tuned in the next few weeks for more on the Rewarded Cycle and the rewards that are in store for you.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Trust God to Work

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Perhaps the major problem that keeps so many couples somewhere between the Crazy Cycle and the Energizing Cycle is the fear that, even though they try to practice the Love and Respect Connection, it won’t work.  Or, that they will be the only one in the marriage trying, and their spouse won’t reciprocate.

To these couples, my advice is always the same:  Don’t give up because it doesn’t seem to be working.  Keep showing your spouse unconditional love and unconditional respect.  Look for even the slightest improvements.  A husband doesn’t bring flowers, but he does fix the leaky faucet.  The wife still has a headache more than you like, but she has toned down the negativity. 

Here’s an example of a wife who felt nothing was happening but later was amazed.  She called her ex-husband and apologized because she hadn’t always respected his position in their home.  (She is a Christian, and he is not.)  There was silence, and then he responded, “Thank you.”  That ended the conversation, but several days later he called back at midnight in tears, wondering why she had made her apology.  She explained she had to ask forgiveness for not being what she should have been as a wife.  Again, the conversation ended abruptly.  Not much seemed to be happening.  Another week passed, and again he called at midnight.  He had been thinking of everything he had done, and he was sorry.  He went on about all of his mistakes – “some of the few kind words he has ever said to me.”

In another situation, a wife moved out and bought another home.  I coached the husband on how to behave toward her in more loving ways.  This went on for some time, and he was seeing little progress.  Then one day she said, “Are you wanting me to beg you to ask me to come back home?”

The above are just a few examples of what can happen.  Don’t give up because weeks or months pass with no response.  Don’t interpret delay as defeat.  Don’t assume that what you are doing is unfruitful.  Most often, love or respect is working on your spouse more than you realize.  Something is transpiring in the soul of that person.  Have confidence that God will work.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Loveand Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.                                            

                                                       

                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

SARAH STEPPED TO THE MICROPHONE

He felt like he lived in a pit, troubles beyond count surrounded him, and people wished for his death. Yet, we hear King David in Psalm 40:3 declaring, “you gave me a new song, a song of praise to you. Many will see this, and they will honor and trust you, the LORD God” (CEV). During David's duress the Israelites observed David's authentic relationship with God and then they chose to honor and trust God as well.

Psalm 40:3 impacted my wife Sarah during a life-threatening period.  In 2004, a doctor of oncology diagnosed Sarah with breast cancer.  After praying and getting the best medical advice, Sarah decided that a double mastectomy and reconstruction would best remedy her cancerous condition. Years later her judgment proved correct. However, at the time she did not know if she would live or die, especially since four years earlier her mother died of cancer 3 weeks after the diagnosis.

Hundreds watched Sarah. She did not shake her fist at God and ask “Why me?” Instead she asked, “Why not me?” Then Sarah did the remarkable. Like King David she thanked and praised God, an all-loving and all-powerful God, in the midst of her cancerous condition.

As a family we observed Sarah as she looked forward to her morning time alone with God, enjoyed listening to her praise music, told others of God's goodness, and evidenced throughout the day an inner peace. Sarah caused all of us to examine our hearts: would we trust, thank, praise, and worship God at death's door? From the cards we received, she inspired many to go deeper in their trust and honor of God.

Based on Psalm 40:3 several questions arise that apply to your marriage.

Will you trust God's goodness in the face of unanswered questions? One person wrote, "I realized that this is where I have to trust God. God is good, God is sovereign, God has a plan." Wow! That's not easy to do when life throws us a curve ball.

Will you thank God in anticipation of Him working things together for good in your life though your spouse remains closed off? A wife shared with me about her husband's drug addiction and the devastation his enslavement brought to the marriage. To encourage her, I shared 1 Peter 3:1,2. She replied, "The Lord had led me to that exact passage in scripture when 'I' made my decision not to divorce...It has given me peace, as well as 2 Corinthians 10:5." She then said, "I praise God for a way 'out' of depression and anxiety through His Word to us." Even though her husband did not respond, she praised God for His way out of depression for her.

Will you motivate others, beyond your spouse, to follow God by showing them how to thank and trust God? As one husband gave himself over to God, opening his heart to the Lord in a new and positive way, seeking to love his wife "unto" Christ, spiritual things happened in his children. He wrote, "What you say about my influence on my kids is so true. I have noticed that in trying to show love to my wife, avoiding yelling and anger, and being more encouraging (none of this perfectly though), my kids have responded. I've had more conversations about God and the Bible with my son (the 12 yr old) which is an incredible blessing..."

Friend, your son can place his confidence in God while watching you reverence God and love your wife. Your sister can come back to faith as she observes you praise God while experiencing a demotion, loss of pay, and a rocky marriage. Your wife can open her heart to the Lord as she sees the peace you have with God and feels your loving treatment of her.

As a final thought, let Sarah's words inspire you as they have me. "As I faced my cancer diagnosis, I realized I am here on this earth to represent Christ.  This was a chance of a lifetime.  Would my life reflect him during this time of suffering or would I be no different from the world in my response?  Since I claimed to know Him, would my countenance and my words cause someone to desire him? Would I praise and thank God regardless of the outcome? I felt like God was saying that he wanted those looking on to see his power, his unfailing love, and his faithfulness.  I believed that he had been preparing me ‘for such a time as this.’ I felt humbled that He had chosen me to be a spokesperson on his behalf.   It was my time to step to the microphone."

You may not have cancer but nonetheless a disease is eating away your marriage. Is God handing you a mic for such a time as this?

Go ahead, I know you can step to the microphone.

SETBACKS

Because of the many financial pressures coming to many good willed couples during this recession, I reflected on the comment that some make that money problems are the cause of divorce. I have never agreed with that comment. Money is a symptom of a deeper issue. Money is not the cause of the divorce.

Let me back up and share with you why I think this way.

Do you remember when you dated and how the relationship progressed positively until your first big fight? At that moment you experienced a setback --a temporary change from better to worse. Or, during the birth of your children you experienced joy immeasurable but as the children grew and entered their teens they treated you like you were from another planet. You experienced a setback -- a temporary change from better to worse. Or, during the first several years of employment your salary and bonuses exceeded expectations, enabling many wonderful purchases, but when the economy entered a recession you hit a financial brick wall. You experienced a setback -- a temporary change from better to worse.

During those disappointing times, as you reflect, how would you rate your emotional maturity, your response to your spouse, and your faith in God?

Often I hear couples say, "if we didn't have these financial problems, we would have a great marriage." Or, "if we didn't struggle sexually, we would have a wonderful relationship." Or, "if we didn't have all these teenage children, our marriage would be thriving."

But I want to challenge that thinking. I don't think that's necessarily true. I remember the comedian who said, "I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better." Indeed, we are happier when life is easier But if we take a dogmatic position that says -- and I'm applying this to marriage -- external circumstances determine my marital happiness then we are destined to unhappiness in our marriage when we encounter serious setbacks. We buy into a lie that says "because I have financial, sexual, and child-rearing problems, my marriage is going to be unhappy."

We may be less happy but we don't have to be unhappy in the marriage. Truth is, we can have a meaningful marriage during the setbacks if we make a choice to trust God, love/respect a spouse, and respond in emotionally mature ways. No one says this choice will be easy but we can make this choice, and when we make this choice each of these areas(trust, love/respect, controlled anger/fear) serves as a track to run on.

I believe we have internal freedom to make the right internal choice. We can experience a measure of happiness in marriage apart from happy happenings. Maybe we won't click our heels with glee but we don't have to pop pills to go to bed and pop pills to get up from bed.

Do we really have this freedom of choice? Look at Job and Job's wife. Both experienced the same events that inflicted suffering upon them. Talk about setbacks! No one envies what they went through. They lost property, servants, children... nearly everything. But notice the difference between Job and his wife. Job made the internal choice during this setback to bless God, refusing to sin with his lips. Notice that he trusted God, did not show hostility toward his wife, and maturely responded (not controlled by anger or fear).

Job 1:20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.
Job 1:21 He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:22 Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.

On the other hand, Job's wife wanted Job to curse God, which suggests she was cursing God. She made the internal choice to shake her fist at heaven, show contempt toward Job, and react foolishly(probably out of anger and fear).

Job 2:9 Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!"
Job 2:10 But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips.

We see clearly with Job and Job's wife that setbacks do not CAUSE our sinful reactions but REVEAL our sinful reactions. For instance, circumstances did not CAUSE Jesus to be the Son of God but REVEALED him to be the Son of God. Let me illustrate it this way. A speck of sand in the human eye first "causes" irritation, then infection, and if not cared for loss of vision. That same speck of sand in an oyster first "causes" irritation, then concretion, and then produces a beautiful pearl. Technically the sand did not CAUSE the loss of vision or produce a pearl. The sand REVEALED the inner properties of the human eye and oyster. If that is not so, the next time sand enters your eye be careful because a pearl may pop out.

In life, these setbacks are irritants which ultimately reveal our faith in God, our willingness to choose love or respect in marriage, and the level of our emotional maturity in response.

Bottom line, my response is my responsibility. For instance, in my marriage to Sarah she does not cause me to react unlovingly but she reveals my unloving reactions. I don't cause her to react disrespectfully but I reveal her disrespectful reactions.

I remember at military school, when I was age 16, I scuffed my spit-shined shoe. I exploded in anger. Just then I felt a hand on my shoulder and a voice saying, "calm down Mr. Eggerichs, calm down." It was the commandant. At that moment, I realized I needed to face myself. It was a serious moment of self-discovery. I didn't get angry because I scuffed my shoe. The scuffing of the shoe revealed my angry way of dealing with setbacks. The scuffing of the shoe surfaced my immaturity.

Sarah recounts in our early marriage coming at me loudly and me responding, "Sarah, you can be right in what you're saying but wrong at the top of your voice." She testifies how that profoundly affected her. She realized the conflict with me was revealing things to her about herself. She chose to respond more respectfully, and gained a great deal of power to influence my heart.

When Sarah had breast cancer and I had melanoma, we had to face off with potential death. For a period of time, we didn't know exactly what the future held. If you were watching from the outside would you expect us to shake a fist at God, shake a fist at each other, and then throw temper tantrums? Why not? Don't bad circumstances cause us to react the way we react? No, I assume you would tell us, if you really cared about us, that such reactions are not being caused by this setback but are revealed by the setback.

What are you going through right now? Are you feeling overwhelmed by a setback like unexpected unemployment, the shocking affair, second deployment, etc.? How will you cope? Will you react like Job or Job's wife? Because you've read this far, I believe you will lean toward the side of Job. My role is to encourage you. I believe in you. Temporarily things are going from better to worse. Don't lose heart. You know how to trust God. You know how to put on love or respect. And, you know how to respond maturely without excessive anger or fear.

Stay the course. Though you will falter like Sarah and I falter, these setbacks will not CAUSE your marriage to go under. Don't buy into the lie that these setbacks destine your marriage to end in a divorce court.