Can You Do This?

Sarah and I have just finished an exciting fall season with seven conferences all over the country and Canada. We are so grateful for each and every person who attended.  The testimonies of lives changed, marriages transformed, and commitments made have humbled us.  We are rejoicing!

Now I want to encourage all of you to stay the course. It would be entirely normal if your old habits of communicating were rearing their ugly heads at this juncture!  But…you don’t need to give in to your past reactions.  Oh, I understand that you will fail at this, as Sarah and I also fail.  But may I encourage you to persevere and fight against those old reactions with a renewed energy?  You can do this!

As you move forward...

For you husbands, Proverbs 12:16 declares, "A fool's anger is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor."

This verse says that a fool spouts off in anger when feeling dishonored.  On the other hand, a prudent man when feeling dishonored absorbs the hurt and contains his anger.  He knows that exploding in anger will not motivate his wife to show more honor.  That’s an unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

I see you men as prudent men who refuse to let the feelings of dishonor light an explosive fuse.  I also know you are human, and you may fail at this. No doubt you have had moments when you feel dishonored.  Even so, take the hit.  Conceal it.  And, then… move on.  Don't get angry.  

But if you fail in this, get back up!  And remember, an apology goes along way with your wife.

As for you wives, Proverbs 10:12 states, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions." 

You are loving women by nature.  If, though, you allow hate to surface in the face of your husband's failings, you will ignite strife.  The way of resolving some of this tension, according to this Proverb, is to allow your loving nature to cover certain transgressions.  

I am not saying to ignore all sin but the Bible teaches that at certain moments it is ok to overlook those things that frustrate us.  We are not failing God by moving on.  We can actually be obeying God. 

I am not saying that you enable your husband's willful and habitual sin.   Instead, my frame of reference are those moments when you are spitting mad at his self-focus, insensitivity to you, and lack of a positive godly pursuit.  During those times you need to take a step back and go quiet until you can address the situation respectfully and calmly.  Again, I understand you may fail at this.  Our humanness gets the best of all of us at times.  But when you do, get back up and resolve to do it differently the next time. For sure, when we do confront the sin, we need to do so from a loving and respectful demeanor.

Most of you demonstrated a desire and resolve to do the marital dance differently.  In those moments when it feels impossible, remember you have the Holy Spirit as your Helper.  Go to Him and ask for the strength and courage to do marriage God’s way.

Can you do this? I know you can, with God’s help!

With love and respect,

~Emerson

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Your Anniversary: Romantic – Or Just Another Day?

Celebrating a wedding anniversary seems to be an area that magnifies the pink and blue differences between husbands and wives. We recently received the following question from a wife, which pretty much sums it up:

How do men want us to celebrate our Wedding Anniversary?  It seems that my expectation of having a romantic celebration ends up with me extremely disappointed and unfortunately disrespecting my husband out of ignorance.  My husband has said in the past that he just wants it to be like any other day.  Hmmm.  How do we handle these situations where pink and blue obviously have different expectations?  I want to do it "right" when our anniversary rolls around in three months.

I love this wife’s heart.  She’s asking the right questions!  But as a man, I’m going to take the liberty of speaking for her husband. 

When a man says he wants it to be just like any other day I doubt that he means that there should be nothing special whatsoever.  Instead, he probably means, “Please don’t have expectations of me that end up causing us to have a fight which we don’t have on normal days. Can’t we approach this in a way that doesn’t make me feel like I will inevitably disappoint you?” 

She of course is devastated by his comment but he is trying to prevent the pattern he has come to recognize. We decide planning no celebration is better than if we try and fall short. We don’t know how to read your minds, and if we try, we get it wrong…and somehow your deep disappointment hurts us more than if you just think we’re forgetful or unromantic.

Should husbands be a bit more romantic? In most cases, yes!  More on that next time.  But for now, take a look at this video where I describe what can happen between two good willed people on their Fifth Wedding Anniversary.

~Emerson

Does your Wife Ever Want You to Read Her Mind?

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Men, I suspect if you are like most of us guys, you have been blindsided a time or two by the “mind-reading game.” This is a classic way to end up on the Crazy Cycle!  

Women…on behalf of all men…I’d like to remind you that we don’t mind-read very well.  At all.  And husbands…remember your wife is not trying to trick you…she’s just looking for a sign that you love her!

Here’s a clip from the conference where I illustrate what can happen when we play the mind-reading game.

~Emerson

{Spiderwebbing}

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You won’t find a formal definition of this term in the dictionary, but most married couples will recognize what spiderwebbing is. Someone starts with this point and goes to that point but doesn’t finish that point before going on to another point, not finishing that point but doubling back to an earlier point.  But somehow they always bring the conversation full circle and eventually finish all the points!

Multitasking women are masters of this art. For husbands, who are normally more linear thinkers, this kind of conversation is not that simple.  They are wired to finish one point completely and then move on to the next. So when his wife starts spiderwebbing, a husband is likely to get that blank, faraway look in his eyes.  The wife notices this and says, “You’re not listening to me.”  And on the Crazy Cycle we go!

So what couples must do is give each other a measure of grace. Husbands need to let their wives release their emotions and share their reports. Wives need to do this with as little spiderwebbing as possible, saving the longer versions for girlfriends. 

Here’s how I describe the art of spiderwebbing in our Love & Respect Marriage Conference. 

~Emerson

LEARNING FROM THE HEART CRY OF OTHERS

LEARNING FROM THE HEART CRY OF OTHERS

Daily, Sarah and I receive e-mails from people across the nation and around the world that profoundly touch us, and I mean profoundly to the point that we sometimes weep. We're overwhelmed with the tender hearts, teachable spirits, and inner longings of the people who write us. The below e-mail brought tears to our eyes not only because of this woman's personal situation but because she represents so many people right now who if they heard the love and respect message might be able to turn the corner on a marriage that appears destined for collapse. This woman read my book CRACKING THE COMMUNICATION CODE and realized that possibly she could've done things differently. She did not hold herself 100% responsible for the collapse of the marriage but... well, read what she said:

Dear Mr. Eggerichs,
I wish I had read this book 15 years ago. I've been divorced now for almost 10 years and I've tried to put it behind me, wishing the marriage had never happened. During my six year marriage, I went through so much verbal abuse and unloving, even hateful behavior, and when my husband started an ongoing affair, it was almost a relief in a way (as well as extreme pain of his rejection) to know the marriage was over. Ever since then, I blamed him as the reason for a bad marriage and divorce. After reading your book, I realized for the first time how unforgiving and disrespectful I was to him during our marriage. We were definitely on that Crazy Cycle, and at that time I couldn't see how to get off. Today I wept as I read Chapter 7. I am mourning the death of my marriage, and for the first time, I'm actually wishing to go back and start over, instead of wishing it had never happened. Honestly, the principles from your book may not have saved our marriage, but I would have gladly applied them if I had known them. I had repented years ago of my part played in the divorce, but today I repented of disrespect and unforgiveness. It's not possible now for us to reunite as he is remarried with kids, but I hope and pray God will bless me with another chance to respect a husband and be forgiving. I'm ready to be the wife I always wanted to be but never was. Thanks for faithfully seeking God in how to help families and hearing Him reply "love and respect." And thanks also for then writing the book.

Sincerely,
S.H.

Are you as touched by what this wife says as Sarah and I are touched by what she says? We need to learn from this woman's tender heart, teachable spirit, and inner longing. If you are in a similar situation, please weigh carefully her words. You can learn from her wise words! You may have the power and influence to change the course of your marriage.

© 2008