Love and Respect – Don’t Men and Women Need Both Equally?

Because I say that during conflict a woman’s deepest need is to feel loved whereas a man’s deepest need is to feel respected, people often think I’m saying a woman doesn’t need respect and a man doesn’t need love.

That’s NOT what I’m saying.

Men and women need both love and respect equally.  Period.

So why do Italk so much about a man’s need for respect and a woman’s need for love?  Why don’t I just talk about the fact that men and women need both?

Furthermore, why do I keep talking about gender?

Good questions.  Let me explain.

First of all, Ephesians 5:33 clearly states that husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands.

For some reason, the writer of this passage, the apostle Paul, thought it was important to make a distinction here.  He doesn’t say husbands are to respect their wives and wives are to love their husbands.  Nor does he simply say, “Husband and wives, love and respect one another.”

Have you ever wondered why?

Let’s break it down a bit. In saying that a wife’s greatest felt need is love we are not saying that a wife needs only love and not respect.  And in saying a husband’s greatest felt need is respect, we are not saying he needs only respect and not love. 

We don’t think Paul is saying that either. For instance, we look at all the biblical commands to husbands toward their wives, such as when Peter says to “show her honor” in 1 Peter 3:7, and Paul says a husband is to “cherish” his wife (Ephesians 5:29).  And of course there are numerous verses in Proverbs 31 that refer to the noble woman who received the praises of her husband.  She needs respect and esteem. 

Also, we quote Titus 2:4 where the older women are to encourage the younger women to phileo love their husbands, which is Greek for the brotherly kind of love.  However, we point out the nuances in the Greek language.  For instance, only husbands are commanded to agape-love their wives, and nowhere in the domestic passages are wives commanded to agape-love their husbands.

Interestingly, we asked 7000 people this question: When you're in a conflict with your spouse do you feel unloved or disrespected?  83% of the men said they feel disrespected and 72% of the women said they felt unloved.  

Which brings me to the gender issue. These percentages are significant, and are a reminder that, as it says in Genesis, we were created male and female.  There are differences.  The purpose in highlighting these differences, however, is to help couples understand why during conflict men and women act differently.  For example, in most cases (remember we are talking about the Bell Curve) he shuts down, but not because he feels unloved.  He is feeling disrespected. And most often a wife (Bell Curve) will confront in order to connect because she is feeling unloved during conflict. 

So what we are finding is that over time in a marriage the felt need with most couples is that he leans on the respect side, and most wives lean on the love side.  The research supports this and we believe the Bible does too.  Why else are husbands told to love their wives, while wives are told to respect their husbands?

And even though women need respect, if he keeps showing her disrespect week after week and month after month, she will eventually say, "How can you say that you love me and treat me disrespectfully?"  When a man is shown disrespect week after week and month after month, he says "I don't deserve this disrespect.  Everybody respects me but you."  He does not land on love, unless she says that she does not love him - then he will feel unloved.   And if a woman is truly feeling loved, she will also feel esteemed and respected.

~Emerson

It’s Not All About Me!

We’ve been talking about wedding anniversaries and romantic expectations… and how to get free from the blame game. 

Here’s a story from a wise wife who made a powerful discovery about her wedding anniversary:

My husband and I attended your seminar and it opened my eyes in so many ways.  I realized what was missing in the way I respond to him and how I've been disrespectful towards him causing him to respond in unloving ways.  All this time I'm blaming him and asking and praying for God to change him.

Last weekend was our 17th anniversary.  He's such a golf fanatic that I told him my gift for him would be for him to play golf at a golf course of his choice and money is no object.  To top it off, I told him that I'd caddie for him - drive the golf cart for him and whatever else a caddie does. He was excited the morning of our anniversary while getting ready for golf - he couldn't believe it.  Once we arrived at the golf course, he was telling everyone how that day was my anniversary gift for him and that l would even caddie for him.  

I could tell he was so proud.  It was a VIP golf course and we were treated as such the whole time and he couldn't believe it.  All of the guys were saying they wish their wives would do the same for them and one actually shook my hand and thanked me for what I did for my husband and said that men need more wives like me. You can say that my husband had a smile the whole time and he said he actually shot his best score ever. 

I've always (thought) our anniversary is all about me and that he better have a nice gift for me.  You have changed that for me and I never would have thought of thinking about what would make him happy.....Thank you so much!!!!  

What I love about this story is not only did this wife make a powerful realization – that marriage isn’t all about her – but she acted on it.  Though golf was not her idea of romance, she discovered a deeper joy in giving her husband the gift of respect.  I’m quite sure her husband would say that was their most romantic anniversary ever!

~Emerson

The Unconditional

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One of the questions I hear the most is some variation of, “Are you telling me I have to unconditionally respect my husband’s bad behavior and become a door mat?   Everyone knows respect must be earned!”

Interestingly, in our culture we don’t have a problem understanding unconditional love… in fact, we see unconditional love as the right of every human being. Imagine expecting our children to “earn” our love!  We would disapprove of such parenting.  Most of us have no problem separating the person from their behavior when it comes to love.  Love the person, hate the sin.  Right?

But mention unconditional respect and some women go through the roof!  Immediately, visions of weak, dependent women flood their minds – along with the inevitable label – DOOR MAT.  Or, they must enter the room with a cheerleading outfit on, waving their pom poms in worshipful adoration of their husbands who are watching Sports Center.

So is this what Christ had in mind for married women?  Not at all!  Let’s take a look at what the Word of God has to say about unconditional respect.

When the Bible reveals that a wife is to respect her husband, it is shown in the same way a husband is to show love to his wife (Eph. 5:33).  Both are unconditional.  However, unconditional does not mean you remove all the healthy conditions that make a marriage succeed.  Unconditional does not mean you go along with bad behavior, giving another person license to do whatever he or she feels.  Unconditional does not mean superficial praise.  Unconditional means that you give the person the gift of love and respect as you confront the issues.  In other words, you recognize that a hostile and contemptuous attitude is ineffective in helping resolve the issues. 

We expect a husband to unconditionally love his wife not by endorsing sin but by lovingly confronting those things he believes are wrong.  The gift he gives her is the gift of a loving tone, facial expression, words and actions while confronting unacceptable behavior.  When God instructed Hosea as a husband, "Go again, love a woman...  an adulteress” (Hosea 3:1), God did not expect Hosea to show love to Gomer his wife, by going along with her adultery. 

Similarly, when Peter instructs a wife to win her disobedient husband with her respectful behavior (1 Peter 3:1,2), God did not expect the wife to show respect by going along with her husband's disobedience. Unconditional love and respect does not sanction bad behavior.  If your spouse lies, steals, cheats or abuses, you must take a stand and lovingly and respectfully confront this.  In the book of Acts, chapter 5, Peter did not affirm Sapphira, the wife of Ananias, for going along with her husband's lie.  She lost her life because she did not respectfully take a stand against her husband's evil.

A husband may not deserve respect because he has not earned respect, but a wife’s disrespect for him is ineffective long-term—and not biblical. No husband responds to disrespectful attitudes any more than a wife responds to unloving and disrespectful attitudes.  Yes, if a wife is lovable, it makes it easy for her husband to love her, but the command of God to love one’s wife has nothing to do with her being lovable.  And if a husband is respectable it makes it easy for a wife to respect him, but the command of God to respect one’s husband has nothing to do with him being respectable.  Put it this way, this is about how we come across when addressing issues.  This is not about our spouse's worthiness.

Unconditional means NO CONDITION can arise that stops you from dealing with the situation in a loving or respectful manner.  We might say your love or respect is UN-situational or UN-circumstantial.  No situation, circumstance or condition in your marriage can CAUSE you to react in hostility or contempt.  No matter the conditions, God calls you to show love and respect to your spouse.  No matter the conditions, you have the freedom to choose a loving and respectful demeanor.   No matter the conditions, your spouse cannot stop you from loving and respecting.

~Emerson

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Click here to learn more about applying respect

in our new DVD study for Women, Respectfully Yours

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FAQ: Things are getting worse! What now?

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“My marriage seems to be getting worse, not better, since I have been trying to respect my husband.  He seems to be even angrier with me.  Help!”

There are times when your marriage seems to get worse when you begin to apply Ephesians 5:33. Why? Your obedience could be bringing your spouse under the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Don’t be fooled into thinking it is not working. On the contrary, God is moving in your spouse’s heart and they may not like it very much. Minimize any negativity and sarcasm that may come from them during this time. Just because they say hurtful things doesn’t mean they are true. 

Obviously I don’t know what is going on in the heart of your husband, but it could be that he is afraid to trust that this is for real.  When a man gets a taste of the respect that he desires deep down in his soul, it is almost too good to be true. If there has been a history of that lacking in his marriage, he is confused.  He’s not sure what is going on!  He may revert to his old comfort zone, hiding behind sarcasm and a thick wall of defense.  It may take some time to break down that wall.

If you keep your eyes on doing this unto Christ, it will be easier to stay the course. Some people find it helps to picture Christ standing behind the shoulder of their spouse during a conflict, to keep their eyes on Him and not their spouse’s reaction.  This is what I call the Rewarded Cycle and this is where you must focus! Trust that God can speak louder to your spouse’s heart than you can. Focus more on being consistent over the long haul, and less on how your spouse is reacting.  

~Emerson

For more information on The Rewarded Cycle, read Dr. Emerson’s book, Love and Respect, or check out the Love & Respect Conference CD’s or DVD’s.

Powerful Enough to Change Your Life

In last week’s blog, I addressed whether the biblical truth of Love and Respect is too simplistic for marriages that are in serious trouble. 

This week I share a testimony that beautifully communicates how love and respect, though simple, can powerfully transform a troubled marriage!  Read what can happen when just one spouse submits themselves to the transforming power of Jesus Christ and acts in obedience to His Word.

Wow – there is POWER available to us if only we believe!

This woman writes:

Several years ago I went from being a nominal Christian to a full-time lover of Jesus. However, my marriage was falling apart.  My husband disliked being around me.  He didn't talk to me for days on end.  He said numerous times that we were too different and that once the kids (4 & 6 at the time) were grown we would need to separate. 

Since my marriage was in tatters, I read what God had to say.  Being schooled into the feminist camp the words submission and submit in 1 Peter 3 and Ephesians 5 were very difficult to swallow.  However, I knew that I could not argue with the first real Love that I was experiencing and gave over to 1 Peter 3:1.  I had not been putting my husband first. I had to start focusing on home more.  I tried to honor my husband’s words when he spoke.

The love of Jesus was so full in me that I really was completely fine.  I was in a euphoric place for about 6 months after I became a Christian while my husband was watching me and wondering when it would end.  I had a reason to submit: to win him, as 1 Peter 3:1 said. 

After a while his demeanor changed towards me - he started to like me, said kind things to me, wanted to be around me. 

Then I heard a piece of your conference on the radio and it blew me away.  I was flabbergasted.  It was God's amazing timing.  The whole submit thing became easier to swallow once you described it as meeting a man’s need for respect.  Then it all started to make sense.  I was no longer doing it without knowing.  I started to use the word "respect" around him and it solidified his turn-around.  Respect was the HUGE key to him letting down his guard to trusting me and thereby trusting Jesus and letting Him in.  

She then describes a moment when she needed to draw the line with him on his pornography viewing.  She did so respectfully but she made it clear that she could not continue in the relationship the way it was.  Eventually he broke and allowed God complete control of his life.

She continues:

My husband is now completely changed and won over.  I don't even RECOGNIZE the man I married.  He is COMPLETELY different.  After 13 years I can finally say our marriage is truly like a dream.  It is unbelievable how tender and fun and honest and caring and loving and joyful and playful and kind and intimate and generous and forgiving and sincere and giving and wonderful our marriage is.  It is a MIRACLE.  My husband has embraced Jesus I truly believe as a direct result of Ephesians 5:22 and 1 Peter 3:1.

Friend, are you resisting complete surrender to Jesus Christ?  I submit to you that there is NO problem that is too big for God!  Love and Respect, applied with a heart that is completely submitted to Christ, is powerful enough to change your life!

~Emerson

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Mutual Respect

These last several weeks I have been sharing with you the “if-then” principle that keeps the Energizing Cycle humming in your marriage.  

Today I want to share the final "if-then" principle:  

If a husband chooses to esteem and honor his wife and her role in the family, then his wife is motivated to accept and respect his desire to protect and provide for her and their children.

I heard from a wife who understood this powerful connection after reading Love & Respect made her aware of how unfulfilled her husband was in their relationship.  She admits that, although she deeply loved him, she never understood him.  The daughter of a domineering father, she had seen her mother struggle as he “kept his wife in her place,” and she determined this would never happen to her.  

After getting married, she and her husband both had careers, but she had the better job, which paid well.  When children began to arrive, she went to part-time and, because her husband had a rotating schedule, she could schedule herself to work when he could be at home.  She felt proud that she could show her husband she could be independent of him and show him it was her choice – not his choice – to be with him.  She had no idea of how he felt until they learned about Love and Respect.  Her letter continues:

I didn’t want a man to lord it over me like my father had, but this has brought about in my husband intense feelings of disrespect and of not even being needed in his own home.  Also, he has chosen to work at a job that is not fulfilling nor financially rewarding, but one that allows us to raise our children without day care.  He has stayed at this job to allow me greater freedom to be home, and I never looked at this as a tremendous sacrifice.  I just thought he was too afraid to try anything else.  We bought Love & Respect and read through it together.  When I saw the tears flow from years of misunderstanding and pain, it crushed me.  I feel an immense freedom now when I’m with my husband because he knows that I understand and can respond in his native tongue.

When this wife understood that her husband was honoring her by holding a lesser job, she became fully aware of how he was practicing headship of his family in a humble, sacrificial way, and she honored him by showing her deep respect.  They had been on a Crazy Cycle for years almost without realizing it.  Love and Respect put them on the Energizing Cycle and, as she says in closing, “saved our marriage.”

If you’ve attended a Love and Respect Conference, or read our books, you are familiar with the acronym COUPLE:  How to Show Love to Your Wife; and CHAIRS:  How to Show Respect to Your Husband.  If not, I encourage you to grab a copy of Love & Respect or The Language of Love & Respect and study how these principles can keep your marriage energized!

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

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A Redeeming Love Story

Recently I learned of a blogger named Ange who posted a Love and Respect Testimonial on her blog for Valentine’s Day. Ange met the author of this testimony, Kristin, at her daughter’s preschool and invited her to a Love and Respect Video Conference. As I read this testimony, it brought tears to my eyes. I thought, if only someone like Ange had reached out to my Mom and Dad as she reached out to Kristin - maybe they wouldn’t have gone through such a tragic cycle of divorce, remarriage, and separation.

I never saw my Dad kiss my Mom, except one time, and it is vivid in my memory. But the precious and meaningful scene lost its gripping magnitude when I later learned my Dad had returned from an out of state trip with another woman, and his embracing kiss with Mom became hollow, not holy. Even so, Christ later called my Dad to Himself, and then later called him to heaven where Dad is free from all those things that contributed to him becoming the victim of the enemy. I never hated my Dad, nor did my Mom – nor did the Lord who found in my Dad a man that He wished to embrace, forever.

Here is Ange’s introduction to the testimony by Kristin. I share it with permission from all concerned. Thank you, Ange for sharing with someone you hardly knew. God used you to save their marriage! And thank you, Kristin and Tom, for opening your hearts to the truth of Love and Respect!

We salute you!
~Emerson


FEBRUARY 13, 2011
A Redeeming Love Story

In honor of Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I would share a little love story with you. First I'll give you some background. My husband and I are hosting a marriage conference in our city this year, it's called Love & Respect. We were first introduced to the message of Love & Respect about 6 years ago through some friends. It was a video series on marriage and it was phenomenal!

We hosted our first Love & Respect Marriage Conference last year and it was a hit!

While promoting the conference last year, I invited a lady from my daughter's preschool to attend the conference. We didn't really know each other but I'm not shy and so I just casually mentioned it to her. Here's the rest of the story, in her own words.............

A Love & Respect Testimonial

Wow, Love & Respect. Who would've thought that was the answer to a loving, lasting relationship! We are so blind.

My story, or our story I should say, starts with a 20 year marriage, four children and a life of the two of us being a complete blur.
I (Kristin) after having our fourth child and her turning four years of age, my life or my eyes just opened up like I just woke up to a bad dream. I mean I was living in a bad dream and couldn't get out of it. I was raising four kids, working as a school teacher of a classroom s

ize from 12-15 kids, then home doing all the home stuff. Something was missing, hmmm, what was it? Wow, a husband! Where is my husband?!? It was like he was or had just turned into one of the kids in my mind. I was the mother, the caretaker, the maid, you name it, that was me! Yuck!

I became very, very depressed and some days I don't even know how I functioned. When I did realize I needed my husband it was too late, he was already set in his ways of doing his thing, coming and going to work, having his fun with his buddies, you know the guy story and what guys do. But when they do get home, they want clean clothes and they want to eat! Wow, I felt as if I wasn't loved! So, after 20 years of marriage, I filed for divorce.

Our youngest was starting preschool; at a school I never thought I'd have one of our

children attend as all of them went to a Catholic school system. But, I think I was looking for a change, looking for something that would wake me up to something different, something to make me happy, to fill my void of not feeling loved!

One day after taking my daughter to this preschool class, a mother was talking to a group of ladies about her husband and some issues that they had. I opened my ears a little more thinking, this is interesting and I wish I had what that lady has, a smile on her face while talking

about her husband and that her husband loves her!!!

Ok, let me interject here, this is Ange again. I remember asking Kristen if she wanted to attend the marriage conference and she couldn't but she was interested in learning more about it, so I gave her the website address. Later that day she called me at home and wanted to know if I had the videos and if she could watch them, right away. Back to her story!

This lady who gave them to me had no idea who I was or if I even had any problems. I immediately called my husband at work, well soon to be ex-husband, and asked him "Do you feel respected, I mean respected by me?" I was shocked to his answer (now, I haven't talked to my husband in some time as he wasn't living at our residence anymore because of me filing for divorce), his answer was...NO!

I couldn't believe it, I immediately felt guilty for everything, my husband doesn't feel respected! With tears in my eyes, I was trying to tell him I had these videos I'd like to share with him. But I had no idea what they were really even about.
Now, this man of mine is a man who doesn't sit on the couch and watch videos, especially videos with the word Love, he'd run! He is also the kind of man that never holds your hand in public, kisses you in front of anyone or says I love you in front of someone, no way, out of the question!! Well he came over to watch the videos. I was so scared, I was shaking in my shoes. So I just plugged in the first one and cranked the volume.

To our surprise, we sat there not saying a word, just listening to what this Dr. Emerson had to say, he was so right about what he was saying! Women, respect your man and men, love your woman! So powerful and so true! I couldn't believe that my man was actually getting into it, quiet at times and then laughing, actually laughing! Oh, I was falling for this man all over again. A man I hated an hour ago, a man I've been married to for 20 years and filed for divorce on. All this man wanted was respect and I would get what I was yearning and looking for all these years from him, Love!
We watched all 5 videos that night!!!

We started doing things together and family things - a lot of family things. Plus, the two of us doing things together as a couple was a no-no in his book but now he asks me to be involved in everything he has going on and shares everything with me. We talk, we never did that before!

He never wore his wedding ring. One day, out of the blue he just said, "Kristin, it’s the coming of Easter and doesn't that mean a new beginning? Easter - rebirth?" I said, “Yes it does, what are you getting at?" He said he wanted to wear a new wedding ring not his old one and I would have a matching one for our new beginning!

He kisses me in front of our children. Our children have never seen that ever from us. They say "Oh! Gross!" and we kiss more. He says "I love you" to his children, that is something that would just never happen. All these firsts are so fresh that it's kind of scary.

For a man to do all this for his woman and family - something he has never done before and something he would never try because men just don't do that, he truly is a change

d man! He wants his wife and family sincerely from his heart!

With all this, I dismissed the divorce. We are reconciled and the rest is history!

One last thing, he never slept in our bed for the past 14 years. Don't ask me how we had children because I don't know! Now we sleep together in the same bed with him very tight next to me, holding my hand until we fall asleep. He also calls me every day from work to say "I love you."

I have tears as I write this- this all sounds too good to be true but it isn't, I'm living it! Thank you God!

So please, if you are struggling, watch Dr. Emerson, if he can wake us up, he can do the same for you. You are together for a reason - God brought you together for a reason. We still have issues and that comes in a marriage but now we work them out and understand where all the issues come from!

With Love & Respect,

Tom & Kristin

"Hope" Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4tzTk

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 5 of 5}

He made us blue.

And he made us pink.

Not wrong.

Just different.

~Dr. Emerson Eggerichs~

In the final segment of this interview, Dr. E explains how the Energizing Cycle can apply to other relationships ~ singles, parents, children, and other family members.

{Click here to listen to Part 1}

{Click here to listen to Part 2}

{Click here to listen to Part 3}

{Click here to listen to Part 4}

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

To find a Love & Respect Marriage Conference near you,

please visit our website!