[Repost] New Beginnings

This week we anticipate the celebration of the greatest event in Christianity – the resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ, who died that we may have LIFE! This reality – that we have new life here on earth, followed by eternal life – is overwhelming. For the Christian, nothing compares!

New life in Christ means a new beginning - even in our marriage. In fact, the beauty of the gift of salvation is that each day is a new beginning. No longer do we need to live in self-condemnation, shame, and regret. These are replaced with forgiveness, joy, and hope! Even when we fall back into our old ways of behaving, forgiveness is extended to us. What an amazing gift!

Can we extend this gift of grace within the context of marriage? We first must give ourselves grace, as we inevitably “mess up” day after day. Don’t collapse in defeat. Remember, today is a new day - a new beginning - another chance to do it better.

You may have some wonderful short-term results applying the Love and Respect principles – and praise God for them! But overall we need to take the long view. Easy success unwisely relaxes us. We then get crushed when a new battle arises. Proverbs 24:16 says, “For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again.” The difference between couples with great marriages and those with bad marriages isn’t the absence of conflict. Successful couples rebound quickly and start again. Unsuccessful couples get discouraged and angry and withdraw into stubbornness, refusing to start over. They close off to God and one another.

Satisfying and stable marriages see failure as part of success. Hall of Fame batters miss 7 out of 10 times. Babe Ruth struck out more than anybody! But he didn’t quit. Successful couples do not let the loss of a battle drive them to the conclusion that they have lost the war. Nor do they let temporary victories lull them into a false sense of security.

It takes time to relearn behavior…to unconditionally respect your husband or to unconditionally love your wife…especially when he/she does not respond the way you would like. But God’s Word does not disappoint. He knows that we are naturally impatient creatures so He tells us to take heart and to be patient. Be especially encouraged because when you do what God wants you to do, you are sowing for the long term.

This is about reaping a glorious harvest because you took the time to plant things the right way and wait until the crops bore fruit. This is not about short-term control but about long-term fruitfulness.

Be patient! Today is a new day. Begin again…

Happy Easter!

Emerson and Sarah

*Originally posted 4-18-11

Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4DG8d

Darkest Before the Dawn

In my last blog I challenged the wives to be the mature one in the relationship and consider changing the tone at home.  I promised to challenge the husbands equally, so guys…now it’s your turn.  Here’s a testimony from a husband who realized he could no longer assume his marriage was ok…he needed to step up and save it.  He figured out what it truly means to unconditionally love, even when not receiving anything in return.  I salute him as an honorable man!

My wife and I were high school sweethearts and have been together 19 years and married for 15.  Most of our marriage has been great with many more ups than downs.  Then about a year and a half ago, we began arguing much, much more than we ever had before.  I became more withdrawn and angry, and she became completely uninterested in me sexually and affectionately.  We both seemed to blame much of this on the stress we were under.  After we talked out a particularly nasty episode of “Blame Your Spouse for All Your Problems,” things seemed to get better for about six months.   

Oh how wrong I was!

One day it was like someone just flipped a switch in her, and she completely withdrew from me.  I tried to push her to talk but she was not responding to my barrage of questions and complaints about her.

  I finally said, "Don't you want to work this out?" 

 I was absolutely floored when she replied, "I don't know." 

 

In my mind this was just another stupid argument about the same old thing.  Of course we would work it out, we always did before!  She just said that all she knew is she wasn't happy, and hadn't been for a while.

It was as if a truck hit me and was parked on my chest!  The one thing I felt I had done right in my life was to be a good husband, and now I was faced with the fact that I had driven the love of my life away from me.  

After a few tense days, I got up the nerve to ask her point blank, "Are you going to leave me?" to which she replied again, "I don't know.” 

(Later I found out things were much worse than I had originally thought.  She had already sought the advice of a divorce attorney "just to see what her options were" and was having an inappropriate relationship with a male friend that was on the way to becoming an affair.) 

I set up an appointment with a family therapist, which she balked at but did come to the appointment.  The best thing to come out of the session was as ‘homework’ we should get a copy of your book (Love & Respect)… Now let me tell you, I am a big skeptic of most self-help type books, but I was desperate to find a way to reconnect with my wife and keep my family together, so I headed for the bookstore. I started reading as soon as I got home…it was like the first few chapters had been written about us!  I now realize that we have been on the Crazy Cycle to some degree for probably five years!  I was blaming her for her not being interested in me anymore, but seeing how I was really hurting her all this time, I understood for the first time what was really happening!  It was so simple once I saw my actions through the eyes of Love and Respect!  She didn't feel loved! I have always said it frequently, but my actions told her another story.   

I have finally let go of all the small stuff that I grew into a big problem. I was always ready and willing to fix our problems, but I was never able before because I was trying to treat the symptoms instead of the cause. 

 I FINALLY GET IT!!!   

We aren't in the same place yet (in our healing) and it is very frustrating at times not having her respond to me, but I realize that she feels like she worked on this problem for a year and got no response from me (in my defense, I didn’t even know we had a problem at the time!)…and she is exhausted from trying.  With God's help, I will continue to work on us every minute of every day to help her and to put my own feelings of frustration aside.  As you said, it is not fair, but no one ever said life or love was going to be fair, and in the end the reward of having my wife back will be well worth it!   

I feel that although she knows that she has had a part in all of this, she doesn't really own up to her part of the blame at this point and is still putting it all on me.  That's okay, I feel like I deserve most of it and I'll continue to work on my share whether she is ready to take on hers or not.  

My biggest challenge at this point is trying not to get my feelings hurt, and balancing my love and support for her without smothering her. 

I only pray that it is not too late for us, but with hard work and God's help, I know we will pull through this.  He has told me that it is going to be alright with us, but that it is going to be a long, hard fight.  But anything worth having takes working for, and I don't mind getting my hands dirty!  

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity to make me a better person and husband, and may God bless you for writing this wonderful book. (Anonymous) 

Men, do you find yourself in a similar situation?  To continue loving unconditionally when receiving very little in return is a tough test.  Will we persevere out of obedience to Christ, or crumble in defeat?  Remember…it’s always darkest before the dawn.  You can do this!

 

Emerson

Respect During Tough Times

May I speak just to the wives today?  In my last blog we discussed what unconditional really means.  I know how difficult the concept of unconditional respect is so today I want to share a testimony from a wife who figured this out, with powerful results. This woman’s husband endured an accident that left him unable to work.  Within that difficulty, she learned to be sensitive to her husband’s needs; despite what I’m sure was a very hard time for her.  I think her story will inspire you as it did me.  

I still marvel at how God has used Love & Respect to transform our marriage!  It really does work. I think the most unstated truth about relationships is how much men need respect from their wives, and how an unthinking comment can hurt them so much.

God has helped me a lot to try to say words that will help my husband, but today I blew it. My husband has been in a nursing home or hospital since January, 2007. He's not able to work at this time. This morning he was talking about letting me get on to my job. Teasingly I said, "Someone in this family has to get out and earn a living." When he responded, "You really know how to cut a guy to the heart," I knew I had erred big time.  

The busyness of the day got in the way, but in the few quiet moments I had, the Holy Spirit kept reminding me, "You have got to make this right." All day long this happened. When I left the nursing home this evening, my husband was getting ready for bed. On the way home, the Holy Spirit reminded me again, "Fix this." So I called my husband and said, "I need to apologize to you." He asked why, and when I started reviewing what I had said this morning, he got very quiet. I assured him I really was only teasing, but teasing comments can still be hurtful.  Then I told him, "Here is what I really know about you. If you could work, I know you would work very hard to provide for us. I know how important your work is to you, and I saw you work hard before we were married and before the accident. I know that when you are able to work again, you will work hard for us."  

Even over the phone, I could tell that my husband's spirit had been restored. For our anniversary, I wrote a card for him in which I reminded him that I had long viewed him as my knight in shining armor. Even though he was heavily medicated that evening, I could tell that the words of my respect and admiration for him pierced that fog.  

This is such a simple principle: the more I show my husband respect, the more love he shows to me. If unconditional respect is what my husband needs most emotionally, why would I want to deprive him of it? I most certainly need and want his unconditional love! I do not show him unconditional respect in order to manipulate him, I do it because it is right.  (Anonymous) 

Powerful words from a woman who truly understands her husband’s deepest need.  Wives, what are you willing to do today to show your husband unconditional respect?  Remember…unconditional means exactly that…NO conditions. Do you need to begin with a simple apology? 

In my next blog I’ll share a testimony from a husband who learned the true meaning of unconditional love, so resist the urge to say, “Well…what about him? Why are you picking on us wives?” Can you be the mature one and do what you can do to change the tone in your relationship?  I believe you can!

 

Emerson

Great Expectations

It’s been said that expectations often lead to disappointment.  I tend to agree. In fact, when it comes to behavior in marriage, I would say this:

When you do the right thing, expect two things: negative reactions or quiet unresponsiveness.

As much as one would expect a "favorable" response, the opposite is often the case.

Our expectations are what can do us in. They can let us down. I have personally found that when we do the respectful or loving thing, our spouse will often NOT respond in a favorable way right off the bat. In fact, stuffed anger or hurt can come to the surface.  A wife says, “I tried the respect test and he lashed out at me. This doesn’t work!”

Actually, it may have worked more than you know.  Is it possible that his reaction is revealing?  Has he been stuffing his feelings of deep hurt regarding your past disrespect?

I believe what happens is our spouse can feel as though there is a safe platform to voice their stuffed emotions when they see an open door. As a result, rather than receiving a loving or respectful response, we often get an angry one. We become a target.

However, in other cases, the opposite is true: our spouse may not feel safe with us. Therefore, they are not as likely to receive the loving or respectful act. For in doing so, they make themselves vulnerable and open.  A husband says, “I’ve been consciously more loving towards my wife but she won’t respond at all.  She continues to give me the cold shoulder.  This is hopeless.”

But is it possible she is afraid to hope as well?  Have you been distant or harsh for so long that she has shut down her emotions towards you out of self-protection?

These are really very tender & delicate things we are dealing with. I believe that we begin to wear our own armor in our marriages. It keeps us emotionally safe. It keeps the darts from hitting us.  But at what long-term cost?

All in all, because of the stuffed feelings as well as the vulnerability it requires, we won’t always be met with a good response from our spouse when we do the loving or respectful thing. But does that mean we should give up?  On the contrary!  It more than likely means you are on the right track. 

Be patient.  Don’t give up so soon!  I often tell couples what took 10 years to break down can take 10 months to repair.  Ten months of fairly consistent (none of us are perfect) loving and respectful behavior to counteract ten years of consistently unloving and disrespectful behavior.

Don’t EXPECT immediate results.  Expect that this will take at least one month of doing a new thing to undo a year of old ways. 

Are you up to the task?  What’s your alternative?

~Emerson

I HAVE DECIDED

"I am making a decision independent of my spouse to move forward positively in this marriage."

Each year people touch me deeply with this kind of decision. That decision may not be fair to the person making the decision but that decision reflects his/her maturity. This individual knows that he/she cannot control the outcomes in a spouse but can only control the outcome in himself/herself. In other words, a husband knows that he cannot control his wife's reactions but can only control his own reactions -- with God's help.

How about you? Are you at a place of making an inner resolution? Listen to these folks: “I have resolved that I have to be the one to take the steps… I have resolved to try all the things in your book… I have resolved to finally accept the fact that I have to make some changes.”

Here are some specific inner resolutions some have made.

TO BE HAPPY:
A wife writes, "I realized that I had been holding my husband responsible to meet most if not all of my needs. And my standard of perfection was keeping me from being generous with him in my heart. He was sincerely trying to meet some of my emotional needs and I was standing there with my arms crossed saying ‘close but no cigar!’ So I was pondering that a bit since Sunday, and I HAVE DECIDED that I am going to aim for being ‘reasonably happy’ in my marriage. Just medium. Just peace most of the time, and a lessening of the arguments."

TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY
A husband emails, "After reading the section in Dr Eggerichs' book Love & Respect on "The Husband Who Never Stopped Loving" … and experiencing the Lord's incredible power, last night at Saddleback's Night of Worship I HAVE DECIDED to sign and send to you my Stander's Affirmation." In that affirmation, he decided to love his wife unconditionally.

TO PRAY
A wife expresses, "I'VE DECIDED I'm going to pray for Keith again and I hope that the Holy Spirit will convict his heart and renew a right heart within Keith. He has not been faithful to his marriage vows." Another gal writes, "I HAVE DECIDED not to nag or embarrass him, but I am going to pray, pray, pray!"

TO BE HONEST
A husband writes about honesty, "You are perhaps the only person that has the data and the background/perspective to answer. To get a useful answer, I HAVE DECIDED to be completely honest with you … ‘the whole truth’. I ask that you keep this confidential."

TO STAY
"Although I know our marriage has never been all that happy and I have Biblical grounds for divorce, at this point I HAVE DECIDED to stay in the marriage. My husband says he is committed to our marriage now and is willing to do what it takes."

TO LOOK TO GOD
A husband writes, "After listening to Allison rave about these books, I HAVE DECIDED to read them with an open heart and mind, and see if God can bring my marriage back to life."

Another says, "I hate what I've become and I’VE DECIDED to just dedicate myself to God." And still another, "I have decided to leave it up to God."

HOW ABOUT YOU?
Is there a decision you need to make? What?

The Bible reveals that there come moments when we must "determine" (Romans 14:13) to remove the negative factors undermining relationships and be "determined" to centrally focus on God in the midst of life's happenings (1 Corinthians 2:2).

Will you say, "I have decided"? If so, I believe good things are in store for you. Get ready!