Who is the Mature One?

I often challenge couples by saying, “The mature one goes first.” 

It is much easier to sit back and say, “Well Emerson, I would be more loving if my wife was more respectful!” Or, “Why should I show my husband respect when he is treating me in an unloving way?”  

Of course it is easier to be obedient to God in our marriage when our husband or wife is also being obedient. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

So who goes first?

My answer:  the mature one.

How do you know if you are the mature one? Let me put it this way.  I can tell you if you are the immature one.

The immature person uses this information not to change themselves, but to try to change their spouse. Their whole mindset is to get their spouse to be more loving or respectful rather than trying to be more loving or respectful themselves. They do not believe that they have the power to influence their spouse, but instead see their spouse as having all the power to influence them. Therefore they must change their spouse in order to be happy.

The immature person lacks obedience to God's commands. Instead their mission is to get their spouse to obey God's command toward them. Bottom line, the Lord will not honor that and a spouse is not going to respond to that any more than if the roles were reversed.

The mature person, on the other hand, will do their part to improve the marriage, even if it means putting their own feelings aside. They will choose obedience to God’s commands over their own feelings and over their circumstances.  That’s because they understand the nature of God:  He is a good God, whose commands are given to help us, not to harm us.

Let me also add that the mature one does not tell their disobedient spouse that they are immature. Nor do they throw it around that they are doing all of these loving or respectful things because of their maturity. That would be immature – and counterproductive! Shaming or condemning your spouse for their immaturity is really a reflection of your own immaturity. The mature spouse displays their loving or respectful actions with a humble heart.

Which are you in your relationship?  The mature one – or the immature one?

If you have hesitated to step out in faith and honor God in your marriage, trust His word and His character. Trust that He would not ask you to do something foolish. He is too wise for that. Be the mature one and make the first loving or respectful move. It could change everything!

~Emerson

How Thankful Are You?

“Give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” 

1 Thessalonians 5:18, NASB

I’m guessing that husbands or wives reading this will have different answers to the question, “How thankful are you for your spouse?” You may be one of those who have to admit that you are fixated on the negatives in your spouse. You may have a problem with the way God designed him or her. You didn’t bargain on getting someone who is so different from you.

But to remain unthankful for your spouse because you two are “so different” is a sure way to get on the Crazy Cycle! And a lack of gratitude for your spouse will not be any help in getting off.

Or you may be one of those husbands or wives who believe you have good reason to not be thankful for your spouse – at least right now – because your spouse is just plain undeserving of any thanks.

I often tell husbands or wives who are stuck in negativity to make me a list of 10 positive things about their spouse. When we are locked into a negative mindset, it’s pretty difficult to see the light. Despair and hopelessness can overcome us. “He/she will never change! I am doomed in this miserable marriage forever!”

But things are rarely this bad. After all, you married your spouse, and unless it was an arranged marriage, you chose the person you married. Isn’t there something of redeeming value left in the person you were so in love with? If you look hard enough, I guarantee you will find something that you can put on your list of positives.

Often people are surprised at how easy this is to do once they flip the switch from the negative to the positive.

That’s because being thankful has more to do with us than it does with our spouse.

Thankful people find things to be thankful for, even when things are not going well.

Don’t try to be thankful in your own power. Instead pray, “Lord, because I love You, I am asking You to make me a thankful person because my ultimate goal is to please You. Help me to be obedient to your command to be thankful in everything, even my marriage.”

This Thanksgiving, would you consider making your list of 10 positive things about your spouse? You might even decide to give your list to your husband or wife on Thanksgiving Day! I know the Lord will bless you as you “give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Have a thankful Thanksgiving!

~Emerson

The Romance Game

Romance.  Women generally want more of it…and men feel pressured to deliver. Why does it remain so elusive? 

Last week I shared how our different expectations as men and women can really mess up a romantic anniversary celebration.  But this whole romance thing can get complicated for other reasons as well.

When we’re “in love” romance seems to be in abundance – for men and women.  Many wives I know are perplexed by the fact that their husbands seemed to be quite romantic when they were dating…but the romance fizzled pretty quickly after marriage.  Some would go so far as to say they feel duped.  Tricked.  Even “falsely led.” They thought they married a romantic guy and that at least a little of that would continue in their marriage.  But now he seems anything but romantic! Their disappointment turns into bitterness.

Other wives realize their men weren’t all that romantic during the dating period, but they at least made an attempt once in a while.  Now, they never seem to try at all.

Men are not without blame.  It’s true that we put our best foot forward when we’re dating – trying to win that woman of our dreams!  We are guilty of relaxing in our efforts after marriage, but this usually comes out of our contentment…not our complacency.  Whereas women have an expectation that the romance will continue, most men settle into a simple contentment.  We can appear as though we don’t care, though most of the time that’s not the case.  Still, we need to challenge ourselves to pay attention to the unique needs of our wives.  More on that next time.

Most of us were able to embrace our different needs more when dating.  So what changed?

I think that’s the right question to ask.  But I think we need to ask it of ourselves, not our mates.  How have I changed since marriage?  How am I relating to my spouse differently than I did when we were dating or early in our marriage?

One wife had an “aha” moment when she ran across an old note she wrote her husband.  She writes:  I came across an old card (saved by my husband!). It was when we first moved to a new state and I was pregnant. It was a very stressful time for the both of us.  I wrote in it how proud I was of him making the difficult decision to move and start a new job, etc…it was a respect card and I did not even realize it. When I found the card I was convicted. God was showing me that it wasn’t just my husband that changed. I blamed all of our issues on what I felt was his unloving behavior. I thought I was completely innocent of adding to our problems - I was surely the victim! As I read this card God gently reminded me that I freely gave respect to Mike when we dated and were newly married. I showed appreciation towards him and I encouraged him. He wasn’t the only one who stopped being loving. I stopped being respectful. Who started the downward spiral, only God knows. I am thankful for this message that tells us to keep up what we used to do!

Here’s the point.  Are we too busy blaming our spouse to see how we are contributing to the changes in our marriage?  We can throw stones or step back and ask what we have done to add to the negativity and loss of energy.

Furthermore, do we believe we can re-ignite things by not placing blame?  Instead of demanding our spouse do again what they did at the beginning, can we do again what we did at the beginning – even if it is 68% unfair to us? 

None of us are so weak and powerless that we have no influence.  How can we learn to leverage our influence rather than blaming our spouse for not reacting and responding as we wish they would?  Do we rush to throw our arms up in the air and declare, “Nothing works with you”?  Such a reaction reveals this is more about us than about an authentic interest in touching the need and soul of the one we love.

What do your reactions reveal about you?  I know your spouse is not without blame.  But you are not powerless to ignite change in your marriage.  What can you do to bring a little more romance back to your relationship?  Are you willing to go first?

~Emerson

“When I Knew Better, I Did Better”

Letter from a Soldier’s Wife

I felt led to write this to you today because as I was moving around on Facebook, I saw that you were going to be in Iraq. My husband is currently deployed there and my prayer is that he can go to your conference while you are there.

I had heard some good things about your book so I bought it. Unfortunately I bought it with the wrong intentions. I bought it to fix my husband, again. I had been buying books for years to try and get things better in our marriage. We have had an ok marriage but there were some BIG trouble spots and I was very concerned. The problem, I was VERY sure, was his fault since I thought I was doing what I needed to as a good, Godly wife (pride UGH!). Well a year went by without the book or the study guide cracked open by either of us. Orders came, he left for Iraq. We were having some difficult patches with him being gone, go figure, and I saw a copy of Love and Respect in a used book store. I didn't want to send him the copy I had bought new 'cause Heaven knows not everything comes back from over there in the way it left :-)! At the time we were having an argument and I thought...”he needs this book!” I sent it off and didn't think another thing about it.

I couldn't sleep a few weeks later and opened my nightstand drawer to get something to read and there was your book. I figured why not and honestly thought it would give me more ammo to show him what he was doing wrong. Oh my word! I got through the first couple of pages before God broke my heart! I spent most of that night and following morning reading, seeing my life on those pages, weeping that God and my husband would find a way to forgive me. The next morning my husband was due to call me on Skype. I asked him if he had read the book I sent and he got that "look" on his face. The same look he always got when I asked him to read a book, listen to a recording, watch a program: it was sort of a “guilty/not again” look. I told him he was welcome to read it “if” he wanted to. I told him how I came to reading it and proceeded to apologize, tell him how much I respected him and how, with God's help, I would be better for him, the wife he deserved. He didn’t know what to say except that it was ok and to please stop crying (it breaks his heart when I cry).

I have started learning about the things he likes and cares about so we have something to talk about. He does love football and has missed all of the season since he has been overseas. I told him one day that I came home from church and watched his favorite team play. It was sort of funny to watch my husband's jaw drop! That would have never happened before.

Another "respect" moment was when my daughter said something her dad told her. My first inclination was to say "he's crazy" or something to show that I didn't believe him, but I stopped. I thought about it and then HONESTLY answered he was right. My first thought had been to negate what he had said! That broke me again. It is really hard to show respect to someone when they aren't home for months and months but this was a perfect opportunity! I told my girls that if anyone would know it would be him…Before I would've cut down what he said…What a difference a respectful heart makes.

I know things won't be perfect when he comes home but they will be so much better. The quote that comes to mind is "when I knew better I did better" and I can assure you that I will. In my quest to "fix" a good man I fixed myself…My life, the way I think, the way I view my husband has changed…Thank God for breaking and healing my heart. I have heard about "respect" before but never in the way you put it. I will be giving this book to each of my daughters as they get married and I recommend it to EVERY wife I know. It is life changing! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!

WHEN EACH STOPS BLAMING, LOOK OUT!

Have you ever played the blame game? If you are in a relationship, no doubt you have! Blaming others rather than looking at our own inadequacies is a natural part of our human nature. But I’ve noticed something powerful when working with couples: positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame-game!

As a couple, if you both confess your own issues, as uncomfortable as that is for all of us, you can move forward in remarkable ways. I see this repeatedly. If the two of you agree to stop accusing and agree to deal with your own unhealthy reactions, you have no idea what God plans to do for you! Listen to this wife and husband who attended the Love and Respect Conference.

From the wife:
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We got into a huge fight three days before the conference…I knew it was Satan attacking our marriage and did not want us to attend. I kept my mouth closed as I was so very upset with my husband that I knew if I said anything we would not go…I wanted to give this a chance (but) told myself I was going to look for a place to live when we returned home. When we arrived at the conference we were not really speaking to each other (but) by the end of the first night we left holding hands and talking. Saturday morning my husband was up before me and called me into the room and opened your book (and) as he read the first page he started to weep. It crushed me that I never told him that I respected him…There was a list of about 15 reasons why I respected him but I never said those words! I was so convicted...It was so simple. I had never realized that as a Christian woman I was actually sinning and needed to repent and ask my husband for forgiveness.

Her husband writes:
I can't explain the change in my heart towards my wife. I've been a Christian for about 17 years…The one thing that has bothered me most is that my marriage has not glorified the Lord. I would do the blame game that it was not always my fault and that I was married to an unreasonable woman and even Jesus would struggle with my marriage. I always knew what the gospel said about my responsibility as a husband and I believed that I was being obedient to God's word, until I went to Love and Respect…My heart was convicted as the reason my marriage was not glorifying God was because I was not living my marriage unto the Lord. It's not about me and my wife having our differences – it’s about me living for Christ and dying to myself and submitting my life to God…I was not allowing Christ to work in my marriage mostly due to pride. God used your conference to speak to me and change my mind and heart towards my wife. I know now that I want to live my marriage unto the Lord and love my wife unconditionally as Christ loves the church. I truly feel born again in my marriage!

This couple decided to stop the blame game! If you decide to look only at your OWN wrong reactions, and do that which God calls you to do, you can experience the same freedom and healing as this couple.

The Bible says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

It works!

SELLING BRASS KNUCKLES TO MOTHER TERESA

I love how people apply the Love and Respect message. There is something about this message -- or subpoints of this message -- that bring about life change in people. Sarah and I continue to be overjoyed and grateful to God.

A husband writes, "My church held a conference here in Vancouver BC Canada with your DVDs. Just before that I was having a hard time in my relationship with my wife. Your views on relationships and what God expects of us through Ephesians was astounding. It changed us and our relationship went from constant nagging and fighting to realizing that my response IS my responsibility. I find myself constantly going back to that -- in all situations that get heated between us. Its gradually gotten better and better. It wasn't over night, and I failed at it many times, but it echoed in my head each and every time ("my response is my responsibility"). So I thank you for all your hard work and instruction using the Bible. I have even suggested this info to some other ppl I know that are not Christian and it opened new doors for them too. Dunno if they will become Christian but it provided an avenue to answers they had not taken into consideration."

At the Love and Respect conference I point out that when a couple gets on the Crazy Cycle (without love she reacts without respect and without respect he reacts without love) that in order to get off the crazy cycle the one who sees himself or herself as the most mature moves first. (We all want our spouse to move first by stopping their unloving or disrespectful reactions before we do!).

That begs the question: how do I know if I'm the mature one? One sign of maturity is owning up to this truth: my response is my responsibility. In other words, my spouse is not causing me to react in unloving or disrespectful ways on the Crazy Cycle. Instead my spouse is revealing my unloving or disrespectful reactions on the Crazy Cycle. OUCH!

At first, that phrase (my response is my responsibility) is intimidating. However, as we see with this husband once he subscribed to this truth, the nature of his marriage changed for the better. Actually, his maturity of owning up to his own reactions gave him benevolent power and influence in the relationship. But up to this time he didn't know that he could influence his wife this way. Sadly, he thought he exercised power and influence by making his wife responsible for his responses! How foolish to think blame works! But when he demonstrated maturity by taking ownership for his own unloving reactions, his wife allowed herself to be influenced by his mature reactions, which she perceived as loving. The same holds true for a wife toward her husband. When she demonstrates maturity by taking ownership for her own disrespectful reactions, her husband allows himself to be influenced by her mature reactions, which he perceives as respectful.

As indicated by this husband, this positive change did not happen immediately nor was it easy. But over time something good began to happen.

Having said this, Sarah and I don't like the phrase "my response is my responsibility." To say that we hate that phrase is a bit strong, but at times we hate it!!! Truth be told, we all hate that phrase. Blaming Sarah for my unloving reactions is so much easier. But here's the deal. Holding Sarah responsible for my responses is completely ineffective. In other words, though I don't like the phrase "my response is my responsibility", the alternative explodes in my face. Both Sarah and I discovered that holding each other responsible for our own responses is as effective as selling brass knuckles to Mother Teresa.

Some things just don't work. Have you discovered that some things just don't work?

Copyright by Emerson