A Cross-Cultural Message

Occasionally someone will say to me, “Emerson, I’m contemplating your theory of love and respect…and I think you may be on to something.”  I smile at this but I also clarify that this isn’t “my theory”…this is a command from the all-wise God in Ephesians 5:33, and this is why it is a message that resonates around the world. It’s not a message exclusive to Americans, or a certain age group, or ethnic group.  The Love & Respect message is for men and women everywhere.

We often hear inspiring stories from people of all cultural backgrounds and from countries across the globe.  Here is one that speaks to the power of this message that crosses all cultural barriers. 

~Emerson

My husband and I read your book while engaged, and it was an enormous help to us. Actually, we were living in a Muslim country at the time, where my husband is originally from. We joined a small group of other Christian believers who were also interested in reading through the book, and we discussed it weekly.

All of us felt the truths in the book were absolutely fundamental. My husband and I come from two different cultures--East and West--and yet, we consistently find that our most significant differences come from being male and female! This book helped us to understand each other better and see God's beautiful design for marriage.

After finishing the book, our little group actually ran two seminars in the same country, based on the book. The people who attended were so enthusiastic about the principles. This was huge, because this is a place where marital strife is rampant. Divorce has not been high (though that is changing), but often couples have lived together in deep frustration and anger for years.

Your message is so significant to the Muslim world. Sometimes American Christians want to come and preach a very feminist version of the Gospel to "liberate" Muslim women. But actually, we believe that your book really holds the key to peace in relationships…we really feel that in seeing the functionality of the principles in Love and Respect, many people can come to a very real understanding of the unconditional love of Christ.

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 5 of 5}

He made us blue.

And he made us pink.

Not wrong.

Just different.

~Dr. Emerson Eggerichs~

In the final segment of this interview, Dr. E explains how the Energizing Cycle can apply to other relationships ~ singles, parents, children, and other family members.

{Click here to listen to Part 1}

{Click here to listen to Part 2}

{Click here to listen to Part 3}

{Click here to listen to Part 4}

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

To find a Love & Respect Marriage Conference near you,

please visit our website!

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 4 of 5}

Love sincerely.

Hate evil.

Hold on to what is good.

Be devoted to each other like a loving family.

Excel in showing respect for each other.

Don’t be lazy in showing your devotion.

Use your energy to serve the Lord.

Be happy in your confidence,

be patient in trouble,

& pray continually.

{Romans 12:9-12}

God's Word Tranlation

In Part 4 of this interview, Dr. E explains what honor and responsibility are to a man and shares with wives about how to write a "Respect Card" to show appreciation to their husbands. He also talks about the key to motivating another person, even in conflict.

{Click here to listen to Part 1}

{Click here to listen to Part 2}

{Click here to listen to Part 3}

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 3 of 5}

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions towards her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly. When a husband feels disrespected, it can provoke him so quickly he doesn't see his unloving reaction, which would be obvious to any woman.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these:

WE EASILY SEE WHAT IS DONE TO US

BEFORE WE SEE WHAT WE ARE DOING TO OUR MATE."

~Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

"Love & Respect"

page 69

In Part 3, Dr. E answers the question that women have about respecting men who don't deserve respect and when they don't feel any respect for their husbands.

{Click here to listen to Part 1}

{Click here to listen to Part 2}

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 2 of 5}

"It is more likely that a husband's love will motivate his wife's respect than his hate will. And it is more likely that a wife's respect will motivate her husband's love than her contempt will. However, there is no guarantee that love or respect will motivate, and that is the reason the word unconditional must be put in front of Love and Respect. In fact, the paradox is that Love and Respect can only really work if it is unconditional."

{Dr. Emerson Eggerichs}

"The Language of Love & Respect"

p. 158-159

Here is Part 2 where Dr. Eggerichs talks about how many women view Respect and what the "Issue" is when the issue isn't the "Issue".

{Click here to listen to Part 1}

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 1 of 5}

This week we invite you to listen (and share your reactions or questions in the comments) as Dr. Emerson Eggerichs talks about the secret that can revolutionize any marriage. This secret, "hidden in plain sight" for the last 2,000 years, can be found in the Bible in Ephesians 5:33.

As he says in his bestseller, Love and Respect,

Women need love.

Men need respect.

It's as simple and as complicated as that. EMERSON

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

Healing of Family of Origin and Attachment Issues

Michsam, her Love and Respect forum name, writes the following testimony about her healing of Family of Origin and Attachment concerns. Sarah and I thoroughly enjoyed her following insights:

L&R Ministries offers a simple two-part message for a strong marriage: First, your primary focus must be your relationship with God, not your relationship with your spouse. Second, you must obey God's command to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:33.

But, isn't this too simplistic for those of us with significant family of origin issues?

My testimony is that the answer to that question is "No"!

In Ephesians 4:22-24, Paul commands us to "put off your old self which is being corrupted by your deceitful desires" and "put on the new self, created to be like God."

L&R works because it shows us how we are to "put off" the old, as well as how to "put on" the new. It works because it is Biblical.

The specifics of my family of origin issues are too much to disclose here. Please believe me when I say that they are significant. The secular psychology literature describes me as someone who entered adulthood with only a limited ability to form secure attachments.

People with attachment issues have four disordered understandings of how families function. These include misunderstanding of authority, permanence, sharing, and caregiving.

In my case, I equated authority with domination, so did not feel safe in family settings. I also questioned whether my husband's love was permanent. I feared rejection and worried that he would die or leave me. Third, I had trouble sharing myself with him because I thought that meeting his needs would come at the expense of my needs not being met. Finally, I rarely asked him to meet my felt needs because my childhood experiences told me that he wouldn't take care of me. Yet even though I didn't tell him what I wanted, I would occasionally blow up at him when my needs went unmet.

Each of these beliefs and associated behaviors significantly harmed my relationship with my husband.

By explaining the "how" and "why" of God's command in Ephesians 5:33, the L&R message told me what to "put on".

First, I was to accept my husband's authority in the home because my husband needed that authority to fulfill a God-given responsibility to protect me and to provide for me. Second, my irrational questioning of my husband's love for me stemmed from my obsessive focus on the few areas in which my needs weren't met. I needed to change my focus on the positives about my husband. Third, meeting my husband's felt needs didn't have to come at the expense of his meeting my felt needs because the two of us had different needs! I could meet my husband's need for respect at the same time that he was meeting my need for love. Finally, the L&R messaged empowered me to ask my husband to meet my felt needs, but to do so in a respectful fashion.

I'm not strong enough to "put on" the new without God's help. So, "putting on" is fundamentally about my relationship with God. It's not enough to know what to do. God wants my obedience, but that is only possible if I trust in him for the strength to obey.

So far, so good. I know what I should do, and I know that God will give me the strength to do it. But, how is it possible to "put off" the family of origin issues that hinder intimacy in marriage? Well, feelings often follow behaviors. Putting on new behaviors supports the "putting off" of flawed thought patterns.

But, more than that, the L&R message reminded me that my primary relationships is my relationship with God. As I meditated on various Scripture passages that tell me who God is, I came to understand that God - and only God - can meet my deepest needs. Knowing God is the key to straightening out disordered thought patterns.

Specifically, I do not need to fear earthly authority, because my God is Righteous (Psalm 89:14-15; Psalm 71:14-16). I do not need to fear my husband's rejection of me, because my God is Trustworthy (Psalm 22:4-5; Psalm 28:6-7). I don't have to worry about having my needs met because my God is Responsive (Psalm 116:1-2; Psalm 138:2). And, I don't have to worry about taking care of myself, because my God will always be my Refuge (Psalm 142:5; Psalm 141:8).

Besides learning about who God is, I also learned about what God expects of me. Psalm 25:14 tells me that friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. My reverence is motivated by the fact that God is the sovereign Lord of the universe.

I am God's child, but that means I will have to answer to him for how I have lived my life. I must be honest with him about who I am - a sinner in need of forgiveness.

So, I do not take God's love for granted. I stand in awe of God's desire for intimacy with me.

I don't want to claim that healing from my family of origin and related attachment issues is complete or that it happened overnight. It's an ongoing process, and the wounds remain.

But, I'm here to say that that healing is possible because there is freedom in knowing God.

That's the heart of the Love and Respect message.