What Does Unconditional Really Mean?

When I talk about unconditional respect being equal to unconditional love (Ephesians 5:33), one of the questions I hear the most is some variation of, “Are you telling me I have to unconditionally respect my husband’s bad behavior and become a door mat? Everyone knows respect must be earned!”

Interestingly, in our culture we don’t have a problem understanding unconditional love…in fact, we see unconditional love as the right of every human being. Imagine expecting our children to “earn” our love!  We would disapprove of such parenting. Most of us have no problem separating the person from their behavior when it comes to love.  Love the person, hate the sin.  Right?

But mention unconditional respect and some women go through the roof!  Immediately, visions of weak, dependent women flood their minds – along with the inevitable label – DOOR MAT. 

So is this what Christ had in mind for married women?  Not at all! 

When the Bible reveals that a wife is to respect her husband, it is shown in the same way a husband is to show love to his wife (Eph. 5:33).  Both are unconditional. 

However, unconditional does not mean you remove all the healthy conditions that make a marriage succeed.  Unconditional does not mean you go along with bad behavior, giving another person license to do whatever he or she feels.  Unconditional does not mean superficial praise. 

Unconditional means that you give the person the gift of love and respect as you confront the issues.  In other words, you recognize that a hostile and contemptuous attitude is ineffective in helping resolve the issues. 

A husband may not deserve respect because he has not earned respect, but a wife’s disrespect for him is ineffective long-term—and not biblical. No husband responds to disrespectful attitudes any more than a wife responds to unloving and disrespectful attitudes.  Put it this way:  this is about how we come across when addressing issues.  This is not about our spouse's worthiness.

Let me repeat that!  This is not about our spouse's worthiness.

Unconditional means NO CONDITION can arise that stops you from dealing with the situation in a loving or respectful manner.  We might say your love or respect is UN-situational or UN-circumstantial.  No situation, circumstance or condition in your marriage can CAUSE you to react in hostility or contempt. 

No matter the conditions, God calls you to show love and respect to your spouse.  No matter the conditions, you have the freedom to choose a loving and respectful demeanor.  No matter the conditions, your spouse cannot stop you from loving and respecting. 

In a strange way, this becomes incredibly freeing!  Our response is our responsibility…and not dependent on our spouse’s behavior.

 Are you showing unconditional love and respect towards your spouse?  This isn’t easy, but God never gives us a command He doesn’t equip us to obey!  Humbly ask Him to help…and He will.

 

Emerson

 
P.S.  If you are a woman who would like practical ideas on how to unconditionally respect (even in tough situations), please check out RespectfullyYours, our new DVD study for women.

WHEN EACH STOPS BLAMING, LOOK OUT!

Have you ever played the blame game? If you are in a relationship, no doubt you have! Blaming others rather than looking at our own inadequacies is a natural part of our human nature. But I’ve noticed something powerful when working with couples: positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame-game!

As a couple, if you both confess your own issues, as uncomfortable as that is for all of us, you can move forward in remarkable ways. I see this repeatedly. If the two of you agree to stop accusing and agree to deal with your own unhealthy reactions, you have no idea what God plans to do for you! Listen to this wife and husband who attended the Love and Respect Conference.

From the wife:
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We got into a huge fight three days before the conference…I knew it was Satan attacking our marriage and did not want us to attend. I kept my mouth closed as I was so very upset with my husband that I knew if I said anything we would not go…I wanted to give this a chance (but) told myself I was going to look for a place to live when we returned home. When we arrived at the conference we were not really speaking to each other (but) by the end of the first night we left holding hands and talking. Saturday morning my husband was up before me and called me into the room and opened your book (and) as he read the first page he started to weep. It crushed me that I never told him that I respected him…There was a list of about 15 reasons why I respected him but I never said those words! I was so convicted...It was so simple. I had never realized that as a Christian woman I was actually sinning and needed to repent and ask my husband for forgiveness.

Her husband writes:
I can't explain the change in my heart towards my wife. I've been a Christian for about 17 years…The one thing that has bothered me most is that my marriage has not glorified the Lord. I would do the blame game that it was not always my fault and that I was married to an unreasonable woman and even Jesus would struggle with my marriage. I always knew what the gospel said about my responsibility as a husband and I believed that I was being obedient to God's word, until I went to Love and Respect…My heart was convicted as the reason my marriage was not glorifying God was because I was not living my marriage unto the Lord. It's not about me and my wife having our differences – it’s about me living for Christ and dying to myself and submitting my life to God…I was not allowing Christ to work in my marriage mostly due to pride. God used your conference to speak to me and change my mind and heart towards my wife. I know now that I want to live my marriage unto the Lord and love my wife unconditionally as Christ loves the church. I truly feel born again in my marriage!

This couple decided to stop the blame game! If you decide to look only at your OWN wrong reactions, and do that which God calls you to do, you can experience the same freedom and healing as this couple.

The Bible says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

It works!

UNLOVABLE WIVES AND UNRESPECTABLE HUSBANDS

Recently a wife of an alcoholic wrote me, sharing with me that the teaching of unconditional respect permeates Al-Anon. Al-Anon is an organization created to serve family members of alcoholics.

She wrote, "Al-Anon teaches that everyone deserves respect and dignity and the right to be their own person – no matter what their problems are or how they decide to manage (or not manage) their lives.

“When we are dealing with obsessions/ addictions it is so easy to lose respect for the person afflicted. In general, addicted people act, and we, who are involved with them, react.

“Until I began attending Al-Anon, and became of aware of my own actions, I had no idea that my words and even my body language showed disrespect for my husband. I was so obsessed with his problem that I forgot about him. I was blinded by anger and by fear.

“Al-Anon teaches us to really look at ourselves and realize how out of control we have gotten. It teaches us to become aware of ourselves and our actions, reactions and behaviors. It teaches us we can only control ourselves, no one else. It teaches us to let go of our loved-ones and allow them to be their own persons. And to put our trust in God.

“The Scriptures in Love and Respect that teach respect is not earned but must be given unconditionally reiterates what Al-Anon teaches. That no matter what – respect (human value) must be given. A little hard to do sometimes when the chaotic crazy cycle is going - but I have found it greatly rewarding when put into practice. And the more it is practiced, the easier it is.

“With the AA and Al-Anon principles being learned and practiced, and the grace of our Heavenly Father, my husband and I have found a new delight in each other. We are dealing with life joyously and realistically and we will be celebrating 38 years of marriage this June and 7 years in recovery!"

I rejoice with his wife! Though she suffered unjustly by having to deal with her husband's alcoholism and additionally suffered by having to face off with her disrespectful reactions, she is now dealing with life joyously as she applies unconditional respect.

On the other hand, what about a wife married to a non-addicted, good willed husband who fails to be the man of her dreams? Why do we sometimes hear such a woman say with a spirit of contempt, "I am so obsessed with his problem that I no longer care about him. I am blinded by my anger and fear"? The extent of the problem is that the husband fails to talk with her at an emotional level to her satisfaction, he works longer than he should work, and he forgets special things like Valentine's Day. Consequently, she believes her husband deserves disrespect and must be punished with disrespect.

Why? She bought into the idea that she has a right to show disrespect toward the spirit of her husband when he fails to be the man she expects him to be.

Husbands make the same colossal mistake. Instead of loving their wives unconditionally, the men send the message, "I will only love you until and unless you perform to my satisfaction." When telling this man that he must love his wife unconditionally he blurts out, "Nobody can love that woman unconditionally! She is unlovable!" He rationalizes his harshness and hostility by claiming her unlovable features prohibit him from showing love. But of course if he thinks his unloving decor will motivate her to change, he may as well flap his arms in order to fly. Stupid is as stupid does. On the other hand, a wise husband knows that he must love his wife apart from her performance. He must come across lovingly in the face of her unlovable features. Only then will she soften her heart.

How have we missed as a society this idea of unconditional respect, and even unconditional love?

Confusion arises when using the expression "unconditional." We immediately think that we must respect or love bad behavior, and go along with bad behavior.
But unconditional does not mean we remove all healthy boundaries from relationships. Unconditional means there is no circumstance, situation, or condition that forces us to show hate or contempt to another person. No condition prevents us from coming across lovingly or respectfully. That's what unconditional love and respect means.

No one denies the difficulty of applying love and respect this way. A wife married to an alcoholic never finds it easy to put on a respectful demeanor toward her drunken husband, especially when he locks himself in a bedroom or embarrasses the family in public. But, she realizes the habitual demeanor of contempt, attitude of disdain, glare of disgust, words of dishonor, and actions of disrespect prove unfruitful. After years of dealing with alcoholic husbands, for instance, Al-Anon preaches the showing of positive regard toward the person in the gutter in order to help that soul out of the gutter. Nothing else works.

But that leads to this question for the rest of us: If these extreme cases of addiction demand such an approach why would a husband scoff at the idea that to soften the heart of his good willed wife he needs to guard against harshness and hostility? Why would a wife mock the idea that to soften the heart of her good willed husband she needs to guard against disrespect and disgust?

We should all be left scratching our heads in bewilderment.

One thing is for sure, and this should encourage all of us, many testify that the more they practice unconditional love and unconditional respect, the easier it gets. Contrary to what one initially thinks, this works over the course of the relationship!