How to Energize Your Marriage

Photo Credit: Daniel White

Are you looking for some new ways to energize your marriage?

If you are on board with love and respect as the two essential ingredients in your marriage, you may still be asking how it works.

So let’s get practical.

How do we show love and respect in practical ways?

Following are several real-life examples that I hope will bring more clarity to how these principles play out practically.

He was crushing his wife’s spirit.

One husband related to me that his marriage was breaking down and he did not even see it. Both powerful firstborns and successful career people, they could not communicate without one trying to force his or her will on the other. The conference helped the husband see that every time he insisted on his own opinion or wishes, he was crushing his wife’s spirit. He decided to stop coming across in an authoritarian manner, and now peace reigns in their home. He writes:

When I come home or talk with her during the day, I talk to her in a loving way. I communicate that I love her and respect her opinion. If things get out of hand – which they sometimes do – I reflect after the fact and approach her in a loving way. We talk back over the incident and move forward, usually in agreement. Even if one of us has to give in, we are both comfortable with the outcome.

She was waiting for him to “get a clue.”

When another wife stopped communicating to her husband that he was an idiot with no insights worth sharing, then he started to be more responsive. She also sees a real improvement in her ability to express her needs to him instead of “becoming so hurt he just can’t figure me out.” Her email continues:

If I need something from him like time or attention or specific encouragement, I have the confidence to bring those requests to him because I know his greatest desire is to be my knight in shining armor. This seems like such a simple principle, yet it has freed me from the huffing and puffing and waiting for him to get a clue. Now I have the freedom to respectfully request  things I need and not set him up for failure (mind reading...).

Learn to ask...then listen.

Sometimes spouses may think they are making all the right energizing moves, but they are overlooking one simple thing. One husband admits:

I asked my wife if she felt loved. (We have been married thirty-seven years, and I have even done some teaching on marriage relationships.) Because I do so many things to demonstrate my love for her, I expected to hear a hearty “Of course, Jim!” so I was shocked when she was just silent. I reminded her of all the things I do to show her love, and I told her I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t giving me an answer. When she finally did answer, it changed my entire approach to demonstrating love to my wife. She said, “I do appreciate all the things you do for me, but the way I feel loved is…by the way you talk to me. When you talk to me the way you do to your men friends, I don’t feel love.” Wow! What an eye-opener that was!

Take the first step to energize your marriage.

What will you do this week to improve your communication style so that you can stay on the Energizing Cycle? 

• Stop and listen to your tone.
• Ask your spouse what he/she needs from you.
•  Communicate your own needs more lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Love and respect will interact and flow back and forth on both sides in order for a marriage to stay energized. But someone has to make the first move. Will you be first?

Emerson

The Turning Point

With the New Year upon us, there are stacks of stats out there about how New Year’s resolutions don’t work.  For example, most of them don’t last through February. 

Most of us already knew that.

Most of us also know that to change a behavior we need to develop a new habit.   In other words, “practice makes perfect.” 

Any new behavior feels strange – even “wrong” at first.  But if we repeat the behavior over and over, it eventually becomes a habit and feels normal.  How long this takes is up for debate, but it’s safe to say it’s probably longer than most of us would like.

This goes for changing our behavior in marriage too. Do you really want to get off that Crazy Cycle and onto the Energizing Cycle with your spouse?  Start a new habit of doing the right thing, right now.  Let today be your turning point.

A few weeks ago in my blog entitled Christmas Chaos, we heard from Katie about how applying respect during the holidays was a turning point in her marriage.  Eight years later, Katie’s consistent behavior has led to long term change!  We often stress the importance of consistency in honoring God in your marriage, and this story of how respect became a lifestyle really shares our heart and hope for each of you.

The understanding I gained from Love and Respect served as the turning point for our marriage.  I am happy to say that my husband and I celebrated our 12th anniversary and have a strong, thriving and solid relationship.  The specific family challenges that I described 8 years ago are markedly better; and as new challenges come up in our marriage we handle them with a much lower degree of conflict.  Our marriage is mostly one of unity and joy, and when it is not, it prompts me to take a look at what I am not doing.  The answer is almost always me showing a lack of respect for my husband, or not leaning on God instead of my own strength - or a combination of the two.  But now I can pretty easily identify what I am not doing, and it's completely within my ability to correct that.  Sometimes my sin nature and stubbornness just takes me a little longer!

The Love and Respect teachings have helped me to build a much deeper and stronger relationship with God.  I have seen the incredible power of getting instruction from Scripture and taking the step of faith to follow it, even when you don't initially understand it or believe it will help.  I know now that I will ALWAYS benefit from learning more about God's word and putting it to use in my life.  God's grace, as a result of my faith, has blessed me more incredibly than I ever might have guessed.  I know that will just keep getting better!   (Katie)

This dynamic couple has continued to make an impact in their church and community, bringing the Love and Respect Live Conference to their church, mentoring engaged and married couples, and even sharing the principles of respect in their workplace. 

Because Katie decided to do things differently one Christmas, countless lives have been changed! 

What will be your turning point in 2013?  Change can start with a simple decision to do things differently in your marriage.  Then, be consistent.

As we begin a new year, our thanks to all of you who are acting in obedience to Ephesians 5:33 and making a difference in the world! 

Happy New Year!

Emerson and Sarah

Marriage {Maintenance}

Recently I came across a blog entry written by a woman who communicated so effectively the mutual fear couples often experience related to a husband’s spiritual leadership and authority.   She nails it!  So this week I’m honored to share a portion of her blog, with her permission.  Thank you, Bekka!

~Emerson

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Maintenance

I've been a little quiet this week because Tim has been home. After four weeks working at a job site more than 14 hours drive away, I tried to take advantage of as many moments as possible with him…I’d asked Tim to book the time off to include the weekend because this weekend, a combined effort of our local churches led to the hosting of a Love & Respect video seminar in our community centre.

At first he was all like “Do we really need to go to this thing?” to which my reply was that we didn’t really need to go, in the sense that we’re not in any kind of crisis stage of our marriage. However, I posed the issue of maintenance. As my friend recently pinned on Pinterest, the grass is greener where you water it.

Session One began Friday evening, and it went over well. It was humorous and enjoyable (I particularly liked the statement “There’re no vacancies in the Trinity”) and we went home, both of us thinking “Great stuff, but we already knew that.”

Then began Session Two on Saturday afternoon, followed closely by Session Three. And that’s where we realized what was missing in our marriage.

Dr. Eggerichs made a comment much to the effect that most Christian wives are looking to their husbands to be the spiritual leaders of their families. They expect their husbands to be the representation of Christ in their households. I was sitting there thinking, “Wow, ain’t that the truth of it! That’s exactly what I want of my husband.”

But with one little word, I realized where I had messed this up. In the middle of the acronym “CHAIRS”, is the word “Authority”. Dr. Eggerichs began to describe our spiritual relationship to the letter. Essentially, the wife looks to the husband for leadership, but she is fearful and apprehensive and so she asks questions and looks for reassurance. The husband interprets this as trying to take control and wear the pants of the relationship and so backs off or responds negatively to the wife and a cycle begins. I believe Dr. Eggerichs fondly refers to this as the “Crazy Cycle” – which comes in part from the definition of insanity: “doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.”

And that’s where our crazy cycle began, with authority. I wasn’t letting my husband have any because I was allowing my fear to intervene. And what was I afraid of? I was afraid that my husband would stretch me.

Tim is a self-taught philosopher and theologian. He is incredibly intelligent…So I was worried my husband… would stretch me further than I thought I was ready to be stretched.

When I confessed this to my husband on our drive home and asked for his forgiveness, I was once again rocked to my core.

That same segment about spiritual leadership had impacted him as well. And he confessed that he was afraid. He was afraid that I would somehow crush him if he had taken on that role. He never thought he was afraid of anything – this is the ironworker who climbs 150 feet into the air and sends me a text message to let me know he loves me, because 150 feet above ground is the only place his cell phone would get a signal.

Last night, as we were lying in bed, God gave me an image of my husband walking up the steps of a raised dais to a throne. On his shoulders was a black mantle of fear, worry, apprehension and something else I couldn't place. As he walked up the steps, his mantle fell off and he was able to sit on the throne. And then he was crowned.

I’m excited for my husband to take his rightful place as the spiritual leader of our family, where I have so desperately longed for him to be, yet have unknowingly set up road blocks all these years. I’m excited to see what happens next.

I give the Love & Respect seminar an A. I highly recommend it to anyone who is wondering just what seems to be missing from their marriage, or who feels like they’re just going through the “Crazy Cycle” all the time, or even for people who think they've got it all together right now and just want to go for some encouragement and maintenance. 

           

A CHILD WILL LEAD THEM

My mom always testified that I was instrumental in her coming to Christ. Because I came to Christ at age 16, before my mother, and because I expressed interest in going into the ministry, mom decided to join a Bible study. She figured she needed to know the Bible since I was entering the ministry. At that Bible study, mom found Christ. Mom credited me. She would often quote to others Isaiah 11:6 " a … child will lead them."

At moments, children lead their parents. This comes home to me ever so often at the Love and Respect conference. For example, this weekend at the Wheaton, Illinois conference, during the book signing, three individuals stood before Sarah and me: a father, mother and 25 year old son. The father and mother attended the conference because the son invited them. Burdened for his parent's marriage, he took the initiative in bringing them to the conference. They accepted. They responded. With enthusiasm they stood in the book signing line.

I received this e-mail from a person: "I watched your video series as a class for college. I really liked what I heard. Do you do counseling? Or do you know of someone who uses your materials? (In Alabama) My parents need help..." I applaud this young person's burden for the marriage of the parents. I encourage young people to reach out to their mom and dad. It isn't fair that a child should "parent" the parent but sometimes circumstances go in that direction.

Another writes, "This email however, is not about me. This is about my parents. As I am learning how wonderfully God created marriage to be; when carried out as He intended. As God is teaching me I have a growing concern for my parents. Their marriage is void of the things God commands us to be as spouses. In God's perfect wisdom His commandments provide a means for us as Christians to live life to the fullest. . . praise God. There is a Love & Respect conference… about 45 minuets from their house… I have been encouraging them to go because I have heard the amazing effects and impacts it has on marriages… However, my dad doesn't think it will help. He told me that he has been to so much counseling, read so many books, and done so much praying but nothing seems to help. From his perception my mom needs to change before anything will help. Whoever is right is not for me to decide. But they need your help! God intends for marriages to thrive. I am learning that. Would you be willing to personally invite them to the conference at the end of this month? I desperately want my parents to be happy in their marriage." This young person caught the vision that God has for marriages. This young person did not acquiesce to the culture's perspective that one ought to leave well enough alone.

Some parents respond to their children's invitation, others do not. Even so , it's worth the risk in reaching out as this 25-year-old son did with his parents at the Wheaton conference. As a son or daughter it's never too late to try to reach out to parents concerning their marriage . There are moments when "a…. child will lead them."

Copyright by Emerson