United We Stand, Divided We Fall

What impacts your children more?  Your relationship with your spouse or your relationship with your children?

After counseling married couples for more than 35 years it is my conviction that your relationship with your spouse—the strength of your marriage—equally impacts your children. The marriage is the backside of the parenting coin.  

In marriage a man and a woman come together as a unit and God’s ideal is that this oneness be reflected in our parenting style. As a father and mother, we co-operate, co-labor, and co-ordinate.  We are a team. As one husband wrote to me, marriage isn’t a competition to see who has the best ideas, “It’s a team effort. All for one and one for all.”

An excellent passage to remember is Ecclesiastes 4:9: “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.” 

Because Sarah and I had both known pain from the lack of teamwork by our parents, leading to divorce in both of our homes (fortunately mine remarried each other), we were determined to be a cohesive unit.  We had each seen firsthand the truth of the motto: “United we stand, divided we fall.” Our parents fell, and we determined not to let this happen to our marriage and to our children.  In my case, I had cried myself to sleep many a night as my mom and dad argued and fought. Sarah had experienced the same kind of emotional scarring. 

So from the time our kids were very small, Sarah and I recognized the wisdom in parental teamwork and focused on unity. Did Sarah and I always agree? No, but we distinguished unity (a united and harmonious front) from unanimity (having to absolutely agree all the time on all aspects). We subscribed to the belief that if we always agreed, one of us was unnecessary. Often we would debate opposing opinions and ideas about the children behind closed doors. Sometimes the sparks flew, but we knew God had made us male and female to spark better ideas and insight. To slightly paraphrase Proverbs 27:17: “Iron sharpens iron, so one spouse sharpens another.” We were confident our differences led to better decisions.

When we came out to face our kids they knew they could not divide Mom and Dad and conquer by getting their way.

Another passage that inspired our unity was Mark 3:25: “If a house is divided against itself, that house will not stand.” We must work at being allies or we could act like enemies.  As Eugene Peterson puts it in The Message: “A constantly squabbling family disintegrates.”

We never serve our children well when we serve each other divorce papers. Often parents tell me: “I love my children and really don’t want to hurt them or screw them up. I know how my parents’ divorce affected me. I never want to break my sweet children’s hearts…”

I agree.  For this reason, working together to have a truly loving and respectful team is imperative. Displaying animosity and divisiveness creates emotional havoc in the child.  Grown children from divisive, separated or divorced homes are often depressed and find it hard to trust in building a marital relationship of their own. Both a legal and emotional divorce hurt the children – they break our sweet children’s hearts.

I want to challenge and caution parents who may be fixating on their kids at the expense of their marriage. It is possible to unthinkingly put your kids on a pedestal like idols, and when we worship our kids, we desecrate them.

The right order is God first, then our marriage, then our kids. When we have this straight, good things happen in the hearts of our children.

This isn’t rocket science; it is a human love and respect relationship as God intended. Children feel far more loved when they know that their parents love and respect each other first and foremost.  As one mom put it: “Our children have giggled watching us kiss, hug, play, and be a mommy and daddy who love each other and them. Taking a minute here and there to love each other brings smiles to their faces I didn’t expect. They love us loving each other!”

We must never conclude that we have to choose between parenting and marriage. We do not put the marriage on hold until the kids grow up and leave. God’s design is a family structure with two roles: spouse and parent. The encumbrances and inconveniences of trying to do marriage and parenting are taxing, but possible in His strength.

What are you doing to work on your marriage?  Start today. It’s the best thing you can do for your kids.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Love & Respect in the Family by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

No Perfect Family

Pre-Order Here

Everybody dreams of a perfect family.  Even though we know it doesn’t exist, we still feel guilty when we fall so far short. While rearing our three children, Sarah and I were there many times.  I remember well what it is like to win a battle but realize I might be losing the war.  As parents we were not perfect, as Sarah relays in this story:

One day in a conversation with our oldest son, Jonathan, he said to me, “Mom, you wanted a perfect family, and you didn’t get it!”  I was stunned.  I had never said that, but I obviously had communicated it without words.  Having come from a broken home and determined to do things differently, I realized at that moment I had wanted something that was impossible to attain…I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children? We were not perfect parents, our children were not perfect, and there is no perfect family! 

Although frequently asked over the past 20 years to write a book for the family, I chose to wait until our own children were grown before I’d consider it.  Although I had my PhD in child and family ecology, I knew the verdict was not out on whether I was any kind of expert.  In fact, the longer I parented, the more I became convinced that I was most definitely not an expert! 

But two years ago I started writing Love and Respect in the Family, which comes out next month (Nov 2013). During these two years of writing, I wanted to quit several times as I re-visited my failings as a parent. So why didn't I quit? My three kids told me not to.  They said I needed to give myself some grace and get this message of love and respect to parents. But in order for it to be an honest and candid work, I wanted the kids to speak into what I wrote.

I have a feeling that you can relate to my feelings of parenting failure...at least some of the time.  But I also want to give you hope in the midst of discouragement! 

While there’s no perfect family, I believe God has given us the perfect parenting plan in His Word.  I’ll be sharing some of what I learned in the next several weeks.

Be assured my adult children, now in their thirties, have signed off on everything I share – the good, the bad, and the ugly!

~Emerson

Pre-Order your copy of Love and Respect in the Family here

Love and Respect – Don’t Men and Women Need Both Equally?

Because I say that during conflict a woman’s deepest need is to feel loved whereas a man’s deepest need is to feel respected, people often think I’m saying a woman doesn’t need respect and a man doesn’t need love.

That’s NOT what I’m saying.

Men and women need both love and respect equally.  Period.

So why do Italk so much about a man’s need for respect and a woman’s need for love?  Why don’t I just talk about the fact that men and women need both?

Furthermore, why do I keep talking about gender?

Good questions.  Let me explain.

First of all, Ephesians 5:33 clearly states that husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands.

For some reason, the writer of this passage, the apostle Paul, thought it was important to make a distinction here.  He doesn’t say husbands are to respect their wives and wives are to love their husbands.  Nor does he simply say, “Husband and wives, love and respect one another.”

Have you ever wondered why?

Let’s break it down a bit. In saying that a wife’s greatest felt need is love we are not saying that a wife needs only love and not respect.  And in saying a husband’s greatest felt need is respect, we are not saying he needs only respect and not love. 

We don’t think Paul is saying that either. For instance, we look at all the biblical commands to husbands toward their wives, such as when Peter says to “show her honor” in 1 Peter 3:7, and Paul says a husband is to “cherish” his wife (Ephesians 5:29).  And of course there are numerous verses in Proverbs 31 that refer to the noble woman who received the praises of her husband.  She needs respect and esteem. 

Also, we quote Titus 2:4 where the older women are to encourage the younger women to phileo love their husbands, which is Greek for the brotherly kind of love.  However, we point out the nuances in the Greek language.  For instance, only husbands are commanded to agape-love their wives, and nowhere in the domestic passages are wives commanded to agape-love their husbands.

Interestingly, we asked 7000 people this question: When you're in a conflict with your spouse do you feel unloved or disrespected?  83% of the men said they feel disrespected and 72% of the women said they felt unloved.  

Which brings me to the gender issue. These percentages are significant, and are a reminder that, as it says in Genesis, we were created male and female.  There are differences.  The purpose in highlighting these differences, however, is to help couples understand why during conflict men and women act differently.  For example, in most cases (remember we are talking about the Bell Curve) he shuts down, but not because he feels unloved.  He is feeling disrespected. And most often a wife (Bell Curve) will confront in order to connect because she is feeling unloved during conflict. 

So what we are finding is that over time in a marriage the felt need with most couples is that he leans on the respect side, and most wives lean on the love side.  The research supports this and we believe the Bible does too.  Why else are husbands told to love their wives, while wives are told to respect their husbands?

And even though women need respect, if he keeps showing her disrespect week after week and month after month, she will eventually say, "How can you say that you love me and treat me disrespectfully?"  When a man is shown disrespect week after week and month after month, he says "I don't deserve this disrespect.  Everybody respects me but you."  He does not land on love, unless she says that she does not love him - then he will feel unloved.   And if a woman is truly feeling loved, she will also feel esteemed and respected.

~Emerson

When All Hope Was Gone…a Husband Loves His Wife Back

If we listen to the culture, we could feel pretty hopeless about marriage. But those of us who are Christ followers, have HOPE – as the Johnson’s shared in my last blog. Allow me to share one more hope story…this time from a husband who had thrown his marriage away by failing to deal with his sin.

As a result of my abusive past 40 years ago with a myriad of issues I had never faced, I had become verbally abusive to a degree I had never been. God led me to heart-rending repentance and I experienced a healing of my heart in a way I had never experienced in my 30 + years as a "professing" Christian.  

But my marriage had failed. My wife had left me and candidly, she no longer had emotional feelings for me - and rightly so. We have lived apart since.  

Despite where I was and where we were, you challenged me to AGAPE my wife. As a result of this and God's miracles, this next weekend my wife and I are going away on a second honeymoon. I cannot accurately put into words the gratitude.  

I did not finish your book. Once I got to the section for wives (when we men can listen in), I stopped - for my focus has shifted to how I can serve my wife, not how I can grouse about how she is not serving me.  

God is still in the business of healing the broken hearted IF we are willing to participate in the process. God saved our marriage, and it is solidly based on the Rock and on the twin pillars of love & respect. (Anonymous) 

What sin are you holding onto in your life? Without a doubt, the enemy will attempt to use unresolved sin to destroy your marriage. Sin never brings us the satisfaction we are longing for. Deal with it today – and find real satisfaction through repentance and reconciliation! 

~ Emerson 

“If we say that we have no sin, 

we are deceiving ourselves 

and the truth is not in us. 

 If we confess our sins, 

He is faithful and righteous 

to forgive us our sins 

and to cleanse us 

from all unrighteousness.” 

~1 John 1:8, 9 NASB 

How to Get the Hell Out of Your Marriage

Nate and Michelle

Have you ever felt like there is so much hell in your marriage that it’s utterly hopeless? That leaving is the ONLY solution? Well, here’s a true story of a marriage that by all accounts was finished. In fact, this couple titled their testimony “How to Get the Hell Out of Your Marriage” after the Devil almost destroyed them. Michelle and Nathan have given us permission to share their incredible story of healing.

There is no situation, no marriage, too difficult for God. He is the One who can get the hell out of your marriage! ~Emerson

Nathan and I have had our road trips to hell and back many times throughout our marriage. Doctors diagnosed me with ADHD, Bi-polar, chronic depression, personality disorder and schizophrenia. Over the years we had both battled with many addictions in different forms, at different times. Our home life was a mess, so my husband spent his time diving into his work and ministry. He might’ve been failing at home but outside the house he was doing “great things in the Lord.”

The last bout was the enemy’s one last shot to destroy our family completely. I found myself drawn to internet pornography. It became such an intense addiction that I could not break it and it turned into adultery. I had been overcome by this evil but could not break free. I decided that ending my life would be better than this. Then my family intervened and I was admitted to a mental hospital. From there I went straight into rehab only to get kicked out. I ended up in a homeless Christian mission that had a recovery program. But amidst my battle and mental torment I fell again, and ended up back on the street. 

After several weeks the Lord started drawing me back. I didn’t know what deliverance was but I knew I needed to be free. Nate and I slowly began to be drawn by the Lord to the place of restoration, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I was still living on the streets when I got myself into a “Celebrate Recovery” program. At this point I reached out to a local church for help to get my family back. They connected me with a woman named Lisa whose marriage was changed through Love and Respect Ministries. At this point everyone that had been in our lives had pretty much given up on us. But the Lord had given Nate a word to “pursue your wife” when it looked the darkest, and the Lord also gave me a word that “I will restore you to your family.” 

We came across a deliverance ministry and something inside me said, “This is it; this is where my freedom lies.” I also started going to a Motivating Your Man God’s Way ladies’ group. I was going to learn how to treat my husband. No one had really taught me that. OH MY - it was hard! The respect thing did not come naturally to me and went against everything I believed to be true. Everything on the inside of me screamed “This is SO WRONG” but it was so right because it was what the Lord instructed. Through many nights of Lisa’s coaching & my small group’s accountability, I applied these principles. I learned that when I did, everything usually ended up the way I wanted it to, even though I was so sure that it wouldn’t. It’s amazing how we think God’s way won’t work - that our way is better - but God truly knows best. When I obey His word He makes sure that everything works together for the good.

I was on the street for a total of 9 months when I moved back home. I went through deliverance ministry and was healed and delivered from the ADHD, the bi-polar, everything that had me bound. I was able to come off all 8 of my medications. I have been medication free for 3 ½ years! Nate and I renewed our vows in 2010. We are moving forward in the restoration process of our family. We’re not perfect, but we are doing what God has called us to do.

I continue to apply the Love and Respect teaching to my life. I recently went through Respectfully Yours and was able to walk away from that with even more revelation. It’s not a marriage crisis but a crisis of faith. God is not asking me to do these things because He wants to hurt me but because He loves me.

We want to give God all the Glory! We were hopeless and should not be here today. But God said NO - this family is mine! ~Nate and Michelle

Removing the Log…part 2

Photo Credit

Last time, Bill shared how he learned the true meaning of unconditional love for his wife by discovering the log of self-righteousness in his own eye. I challenged you to take a look at your own “logs.”

How did you do?

Here’s another story of what can happen when we obey the practical command in Ephesians 5:33. The power of God can be unleashed to do miraculous things!

I heard your broadcast about respecting your husband.... I was truly convicted. I am a believer in Christ but my husband was not. I realized that I certainly showed him that I loved him, but I seldom showed that I respected him; one reason: I thought I "had one up on him" since I was a Christian.

I often resented some of the major decisions he made, telling him that he was wrong because he didn't pray about such important matters, therefore he wasn't using wisdom, and therefore he was wrong. I didn't stand with him on the decisions that he made, mostly concerning our finances.

He has always been a great husband and father, but every chance I got to tell him he was wrong, I did. Anyway... when my husband came home that night, I told him that I was sorry for not standing with him. I told him I may not believe everything he did was right, but I did believe in him.

After hearing you, every chance I got to tell or show my respect for my husband, I did… Because of the change in my heart and communication, doors were open in my husband's heart for God to enter. I am happy to say that after less than three weeks of this change in ME, my husband asked Jesus to come into his life!! Nine years of praying for God to change HIM was insignificant because all along it was God's plan to change ME. Words cannot thank you enough for bringing this Holy Spirit inspired message about respect to me. God bless you and your ministry. (Anonymous)

Fellow believers, you and I have a great responsibility in representing the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This includes how we behave in our marriage!

I’d love to hear how you removed a log from your own eye recently…and what happened when you did!

~Emerson

A Husband Finds the Log in His Own Eye

This testimony prompted deep gratefulness in my heart! 

My wife and I were born into families that did not necessarily set us up for success. We married in between our junior and senior year of undergrad (college). 

I loved my wife dearly, but by far spent more of my time thinking about the “husband is the head of the home” scriptures. The first several months of my marriage I think I spent a lot more time “beating my chest” about those scriptures than thinking in particular about Heather’s concerns or my responsibility to her as a husband, even after she became pregnant a few months after marriage.  

Sometime around our 5th month of marriage or so I got it in my head that I was going to be a real spiritual husband and begin praying regularly for my wife. I would wait for Heather to go to bed and wait until she was asleep, then I would go in and pray. My prayers were usually along the lines of “Dear God, please make Heather a woman of prayer. Please make her a wise woman, and a good mother. Please make her a woman of your word.” Etc.  

One night about two weeks after I started doing this I went in to pray. I went to open my mouth and the Lord dropped a sentence in my mind and a revelation in my heart. The sentence was the verse, “Husbands, LOVE YOUR WIVES AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.” I had read this several times before but had glossed completely over it because of my lack of understanding, selfishness, etc. The Lord drilled it into my mind.  

At the same time He dropped a revelation into my heart, which occurred amazingly fast but essentially took me back through my married life with Heather and showed me just how much I had been putting conditions on Heather as to whether I would love her or not.  

Even the “praying” I had been doing was really my bringing to God a list of the things I wanted in a wife, more conditions to love her by. I was thinking “I will love her if…” I had never seen it, and I was floored, really speechless.  

When I finally started talking all I could say was to tell the Lord that I loved my wife over and over. 

I stewed on this for a few weeks and then when Heather and I were taking a trip I took the concentrated alone time in the car to tell her about what God had convicted me of and to repent to her for loving her conditionally, and I committed to her to love her unconditionally. It was a beginning to a very new time in our marriage.  

I have always believed that one of the reasons why God could come and deal with me so severely (Thank Him for it!) was because Heather was not in disobedience (to God). It kind of had a feel of “Heather, why don’t you just step aside and let Me take care of this knuckle head for you…Whack!” 

So I spent the next 14 years pretty aggressively going after “Husbands, love your wives...” We of course had our spats and failures, and whatever my desire was I certainly didn’t always love her as I knew I should, but it was my goal.  

Right now I am going through your material with a group for the third time and enjoying it thoroughly. I suppose I am a Love and Respect Zealot. I appreciate your example in the DVD teachings of holding up Love and Respect together to be valued. I seek the Lord to be balanced with the truth and watching the DVDs is a great help. (Bill) 

I salute Bill as a true man of honor! As you read these verses, replace “your brother” with your spouse’s name.

Photo Credit

Luke 6:41, 42 (NASB) says: “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or, how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.” 

I am inspired to take a fresh look at the logs in my own eye. How about you?

~Emerson

See other testimonials and share your marriage testimony with us here.

Can You Do This?

Sarah and I have just finished an exciting fall season with seven conferences all over the country and Canada. We are so grateful for each and every person who attended.  The testimonies of lives changed, marriages transformed, and commitments made have humbled us.  We are rejoicing!

Now I want to encourage all of you to stay the course. It would be entirely normal if your old habits of communicating were rearing their ugly heads at this juncture!  But…you don’t need to give in to your past reactions.  Oh, I understand that you will fail at this, as Sarah and I also fail.  But may I encourage you to persevere and fight against those old reactions with a renewed energy?  You can do this!

As you move forward...

For you husbands, Proverbs 12:16 declares, "A fool's anger is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor."

This verse says that a fool spouts off in anger when feeling dishonored.  On the other hand, a prudent man when feeling dishonored absorbs the hurt and contains his anger.  He knows that exploding in anger will not motivate his wife to show more honor.  That’s an unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

I see you men as prudent men who refuse to let the feelings of dishonor light an explosive fuse.  I also know you are human, and you may fail at this. No doubt you have had moments when you feel dishonored.  Even so, take the hit.  Conceal it.  And, then… move on.  Don't get angry.  

But if you fail in this, get back up!  And remember, an apology goes along way with your wife.

As for you wives, Proverbs 10:12 states, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions." 

You are loving women by nature.  If, though, you allow hate to surface in the face of your husband's failings, you will ignite strife.  The way of resolving some of this tension, according to this Proverb, is to allow your loving nature to cover certain transgressions.  

I am not saying to ignore all sin but the Bible teaches that at certain moments it is ok to overlook those things that frustrate us.  We are not failing God by moving on.  We can actually be obeying God. 

I am not saying that you enable your husband's willful and habitual sin.   Instead, my frame of reference are those moments when you are spitting mad at his self-focus, insensitivity to you, and lack of a positive godly pursuit.  During those times you need to take a step back and go quiet until you can address the situation respectfully and calmly.  Again, I understand you may fail at this.  Our humanness gets the best of all of us at times.  But when you do, get back up and resolve to do it differently the next time. For sure, when we do confront the sin, we need to do so from a loving and respectful demeanor.

Most of you demonstrated a desire and resolve to do the marital dance differently.  In those moments when it feels impossible, remember you have the Holy Spirit as your Helper.  Go to Him and ask for the strength and courage to do marriage God’s way.

Can you do this? I know you can, with God’s help!

With love and respect,

~Emerson

{photo credit}