United We Stand, Divided We Fall

What impacts your children more?  Your relationship with your spouse or your relationship with your children?

After counseling married couples for more than 35 years it is my conviction that your relationship with your spouse—the strength of your marriage—equally impacts your children. The marriage is the backside of the parenting coin.  

In marriage a man and a woman come together as a unit and God’s ideal is that this oneness be reflected in our parenting style. As a father and mother, we co-operate, co-labor, and co-ordinate.  We are a team. As one husband wrote to me, marriage isn’t a competition to see who has the best ideas, “It’s a team effort. All for one and one for all.”

An excellent passage to remember is Ecclesiastes 4:9: “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.” 

Because Sarah and I had both known pain from the lack of teamwork by our parents, leading to divorce in both of our homes (fortunately mine remarried each other), we were determined to be a cohesive unit.  We had each seen firsthand the truth of the motto: “United we stand, divided we fall.” Our parents fell, and we determined not to let this happen to our marriage and to our children.  In my case, I had cried myself to sleep many a night as my mom and dad argued and fought. Sarah had experienced the same kind of emotional scarring. 

So from the time our kids were very small, Sarah and I recognized the wisdom in parental teamwork and focused on unity. Did Sarah and I always agree? No, but we distinguished unity (a united and harmonious front) from unanimity (having to absolutely agree all the time on all aspects). We subscribed to the belief that if we always agreed, one of us was unnecessary. Often we would debate opposing opinions and ideas about the children behind closed doors. Sometimes the sparks flew, but we knew God had made us male and female to spark better ideas and insight. To slightly paraphrase Proverbs 27:17: “Iron sharpens iron, so one spouse sharpens another.” We were confident our differences led to better decisions.

When we came out to face our kids they knew they could not divide Mom and Dad and conquer by getting their way.

Another passage that inspired our unity was Mark 3:25: “If a house is divided against itself, that house will not stand.” We must work at being allies or we could act like enemies.  As Eugene Peterson puts it in The Message: “A constantly squabbling family disintegrates.”

We never serve our children well when we serve each other divorce papers. Often parents tell me: “I love my children and really don’t want to hurt them or screw them up. I know how my parents’ divorce affected me. I never want to break my sweet children’s hearts…”

I agree.  For this reason, working together to have a truly loving and respectful team is imperative. Displaying animosity and divisiveness creates emotional havoc in the child.  Grown children from divisive, separated or divorced homes are often depressed and find it hard to trust in building a marital relationship of their own. Both a legal and emotional divorce hurt the children – they break our sweet children’s hearts.

I want to challenge and caution parents who may be fixating on their kids at the expense of their marriage. It is possible to unthinkingly put your kids on a pedestal like idols, and when we worship our kids, we desecrate them.

The right order is God first, then our marriage, then our kids. When we have this straight, good things happen in the hearts of our children.

This isn’t rocket science; it is a human love and respect relationship as God intended. Children feel far more loved when they know that their parents love and respect each other first and foremost.  As one mom put it: “Our children have giggled watching us kiss, hug, play, and be a mommy and daddy who love each other and them. Taking a minute here and there to love each other brings smiles to their faces I didn’t expect. They love us loving each other!”

We must never conclude that we have to choose between parenting and marriage. We do not put the marriage on hold until the kids grow up and leave. God’s design is a family structure with two roles: spouse and parent. The encumbrances and inconveniences of trying to do marriage and parenting are taxing, but possible in His strength.

What are you doing to work on your marriage?  Start today. It’s the best thing you can do for your kids.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Love & Respect in the Family by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

GIVING: Needs, Wants, and What Seems Best

During this season of giving, we are all aware of that fine line between enjoying the season, and becoming indulgent. Last time I challenged you to examine your motives behind giving, particularly when it comes to giving to your child’s wants.

What did you discover?

Most parents don’t intend to spoil their children, so is there a formula to follow to avoid giving too much?  No, but there is a biblical principle:  “While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best” (Hebrews 12:10 MSG).

Yes, there is a certain amount of guesswork in parenting, but I believe Hebrews 12:10 is assuring us who follow Christ that we can trust Him to guide us in doing what is best. As the Lord trains us in what He knows is best, He trusts us to use a certain amount of plain-old common sense as we seek to train our kids. So as we seek to give to our kids “what seems best,” we must sort out the needs and the wants and make some decisions.

None of us likes to disappoint our children. But we must keep in mind the greater lessons our children need to learn. Life is full of disappointments. What are the ramifications for our children if they go into adulthood not having learned how to deal with disappointment? Might they go from one job to another in search of one that doesn’t disappoint? Might they leave their marriage in the face of disappointment in search of the perfect relationship?

Furthermore, what lessons are we teaching our children when we spend beyond our means…or even when we spend within our means but to the point of indulgence?

Too much giving can make children extremely selfish. Proverbs 30:15 tells us “the leech has two daughters,” named “Give” and “Give.” We must guard against our children becoming “slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites” (Romans 16:18).

Make it a priority to teach your child how to delay gratification. The real gift you can give your child is not gratification by getting another toy, but learning to delay gratification by not getting what he wants. Remember, if your child lacks self-control, it is you who is being controlled.

Rather than getting caught up in buying tons of gifts, give the priceless gift of time. Consider making memories simply by being together. A man wrote to me about how his family did not have much when he was growing up, but his dad made the most of it: “Every once in a while he would take the family on ‘surprise outings.’ He would only tell us to get in the car. We didn’t find out where we were going until we got there. These were good times together...” Let a spirit of generosity engender a sense of family, which leads to good times together.

As you sort out giving to needs and wants in your family, keep in mind that the best thing we can give to our children is the intangible example of faith in God to supply all their needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus. You cannot give your children any greater gift than that!

Sarah and I wish you a blessed Christmas season reflecting on the greatest gift of all – Jesus!

~Emerson

It's like "Love & Respect" had kids!

IT'S HERE!! The Bible commands love and respect between parent and child (Exodus 20:12, Titus 2:4), just as it teaches love and respect between a husband and wife (Ephesians 5:33).

Love and Respect in the Family: The Respect Parents Desire, The Love Children Need is packed full of completely new content....cover to cover.  It is the book people have been asking me to write for years.  In essence, when they feel unloved, children react to parents in ways that feel disrespectful. When feeling disrespected, parents react to children in ways that feel unloving. Neither premeditate this negative reaction, but this is how each appears to the other and round and round it goes. It's called the Family Crazy Cycle and this book helps families jump off of it.

How is it different than other books on parenting?

The fact that my own adult children speak into the content sets it apart, and that I've waited 35 years to write it makes this unlike other parenting books out there.  Also, because of the trauma of my own upbringing, I bring a different perspective than other authors that may have had a more idyllic childhood.  This book includes the perspectives of both Sarah and me, as well as our three children, Jonathan, David, and Joy.

This book seeks to answer what the Bible says to parents. If parents read and apply the principles in Love & Respect in the Family, they will be able to stop the crazy cycle of family conflict and begin to energize their children.  

The book:

• Explains volumes of information about family dynamics for the lay person
• Provides a simple plan for parents to follow
• Validates the parent's need for respect - particularly the father
• Explains how to deal with the feeling of being disrespected
• Explains the mindset of a child: children are typically not trying to be disrespectful, but often are immature, selfish, or irresponsible
• Explains the child's need for love and how to meet that need
• Shows the parent how to love when feeling disrespected
• Reveals the foundational reason to parent: to hear Christ say, "Well done!"
• Begins and ends with what the Bible says about parenting instead of using the Bible to justify what we want to say psychologically and sociologically
• Is "father friendly," which mothers love
• Is both parent and child-focused

With the best of my ability, when it comes to the Biblical topic of parenting, I have tried to be an ambassador for the kingdom of Christ. I believe that as a pastor and teacher, I have a responsibility to rightly represent Christ's platform when it comes to marriage and parenting. I know that I have to give an account before Him on that final day, and I'm very aware of the fact that the apostle James says that those who teach will receive a stricter judgment. This is less about writing a bestseller and more about rightly representing the heart of Christ to parents. I happen to believe that when we honor Him, He will honor us.

~Emerson

Once you've read the book, would you be so kind as to post your review on Amazon.com. Reviews will help get this important message out.


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The Perfect Plan

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 Some years ago when I was pastoring and my sons Jonathan and David were 11 and 9, we had some missionaries stay in our home for several days.  After a reminder in how they should behave, they were perfect angels the entire time the missionaries were there (this may have qualified as a miracle)!

However, minutes after our guests left, the boys got into a huge wrestling fight. Separating them I said, “What happened?!  You’ve both been so good!”  David said, "We can be good only so long."  I replied, "But I named you Jonathan and David so you'd be best of friends." To which David replied, “You should have named us Cain and Abel!”

I felt a mixture of joy and sorrow at that point:  sorrow that they seemed to be enemies rather than friends, yet joy that David obviously had been listening to the Bible stories!

So we all agree there is no perfect family – in fact, most families experience the Family Crazy Cycle on a daily basis.

But there is a plan to parent God’s way and this plan is the most perfect plan there is.  Does that mean if we follow the plan, we’ll have a perfect family?  No.  Obviously we are all flawed – so perfection is not possible here on earth.  But it is possible to succeed at parenting in God’s eyes if we follow His plan regardless. 

Malachi 4:6 says:  "Elijah will teach parents how to love their children. He will also teach children how to honor their parents. If that does not happen, I will come. And I will put a curse on the land” (NIRV).

Wow.  That’s pretty heavy.  What else does the Bible say about parenting?

God calls children to honor (respect) their parents in Exodus 20:12, Matthew 15:4, and Ephesians 6:2.

And though God puts agape-love in the heart of a parent, children do not always feel that unconditional love. Parents readily admit, “I love my child but I do not like my child.” This is why the older women are to encourage the young mothers to phileo-love their children in Titus 2:4. This Greek word is the root of our English word Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. In other words, mothers in the home are to be friendlier.  Though moms love their kids unconditionally, they can appear negative and irritated in the home.

 As for fathers, though they possess compassion for their children according to Psalm 103:13, kids do not always feel that love as dads provoke their children to anger (Ephesians 6:4) and exasperate them so that they lose heart (Colossians 3:21).

Bottom line: Kids need to feel loved just as parents need to feel respected.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

The good news is that when children feel loved they are motivated to respond positively to parents. And when parents feel respected they are energized to be lovingly affectionate with their kids.  When these needs are met, good things happen in the family.

That’s the perfect plan.  But of course, living this out is much more difficult on a day to day basis.  Ironically, parents who are supposed to be more emotionally mature than their children are often guilty of being just the opposite.  And children do not always respond to our love in the way we expect. 

But parenting is for adults only.  And as adults, the responsibility is on us to act like it. Can we parent God’s way even if our children disregard us, disobey us, and disrespect us?

We’ll delve into this more next time.  Until then, will you begin today to search the Scriptures for God’s blue print for parents?  I believe you’ll be encouraged.

~Emerson

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