September 20, 2012

Two Simple Things That Speak Romance to Her

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Men, you may not be as romantic as your wife (you sleep during the movie Sleepless in Seattle), but you are a man of honor, and a man of honor discerns the desires in the heart of his wife.

Let me recommend two things that feed the romance for her: she needs predictable face to face time with you and she wants periodic surprises.

Yes, I know for most men it isn’t romantic to sit and focus eye to eye with your wife while she shares her feelings (burdens), especially if you have heard it before.  However, the best way to energize your wife, and even turn her on, is to give her your full, undivided attention when she talks to you. For example, set aside some time each evening for this. Sarah and I used to sit for 15 minutes each evening while she shared her day with me.  She connected with me this way. I realized that Sarah had a need that I did not have, but I concluded that was ok.  I was happy to meet that need and she respected me for it!
Because you need less emotional connection does not mean your wife should feel as you feel.  One way to picture your marriage is with a line that has the word Involvement at one end and the word Independence at the other. In the typical marriage relationship, she leans more toward the “involvement” side (to connect!) and he leans more toward the “Independence” side.  I am talking about the bell curve here.  But here’s the deal. Men, when you get too independent (especially when you stonewall), she does not feel close to you and begins to feel you don’t love her.  As a man of honor are you willing to step toward her and give her more of your heart and involvement, even if it appears she talks in ways that feel too negative and complaining to you?  Truth is, you are the Christ-figure and she is casting her burden on you.  When you act in this honorable way, she will feel fond feelings of admiration for you. Can you give her this gift?

Another way a woman feels loved is by little surprises. To her, it means that you are thinking about her…and that means you love her. Men, do whatever you need to do to remind yourself of this simple principle! Set a reminder on your phone to surprise your wife with a text that simply says “I love you”…or pick up a rose on the way home from work…or give her a call and tell her you’re picking up dinner. The surprises can be as simple as that…they need not be complicated or expensive or take weeks of planning.

So, be predictable and be unpredictable!  Give her predictable time face to face and surprise her behind her back.


Jared Ingle said...

So my wife isn't the only one!? I have discovered this over the years. We have always talked, but when we had our first child, we set aside 15 minutes of "couch time" every evening to catch up on the day with each other. We are still intentional about our conversations.

As far as surprises, her family has always loved to surprise each other. Not too long ago, she told some people that the most romantic memory was when I planned a surprise overnight trip with her early in our marriage. I was surprised myself that this was her top romantic memory. Thank you for the reminder!

DC Govier said...
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Anonymous said...

So what do you do if, when you ask your wife how her day was, and the only answer you ever get is "Busy" and that's the end of the story? We don't have children and things are pretty quiet at the dinner table. I make myself available, but she isn't that much of a talker, especially since, as a project manager, she is "talked out" to use her phrase.

I even told her this week that I wanted her to talk with me. There are just certain things I can't figure out if she doesn't. I am neither a mind reader nor Sherlock Holmes, able to determine solely from the way the wind blows at the moment what Professor Moriarty's next scheme will be and when he will launch it.

I manage okay in the surprises department, but am concerned this other part may cause problems down line.

I never had a good example growing up, with both my parents being serial marriers while I was still at home. This is my second marriage, though there were 2 decades between the beginning of this and the end of the last, and I don't want it to be just another in a series.

I want this one, since God has blessed me with a chance to be a husband again, to be IT. I want to be the best husband I can be and provide her opportunity to be the woman God intends for her to be.

After that I'll tackle the respect part . . .

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, keep trying to reach her interests such as I ran into so and so today and they just traveled to some exotic places..where you like to go, what's on your bucket list? Think of your childhood stories that you never shared with her. if she is anything like me, she'll open up. I tend to need my 5 minutes of down time to unwind when I get home from the corporate world. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I agree. Keep trying, it may just take a while. I suggest staying away from any "work talk" though. I can only speak for myself, but that never feels like quality time to me. Plus when I talk about my work my husband always ends up telling ways to fix the problems and what I should do. I know that is his way of helping and he doesn't mean anything disrespectful by it, it's just not what I'm looking for. I feel like I end up being "talked to" instead of having a "conversation with" my husband. I've made it a rule for myself not to bring work talk home, unless I actually want his advice. After all, it's my issue not his. He shouldn't be penalized for just trying to help. We talk about everything else under the sun and it is great. To give you a little insight from your wife's point of view though, I talk to people all day long myself so I totally understand what she means by being "talked out". Sometimes it is great to just watch a movie or a show with my husband and that's it. Sometimes that's just the downtime I need to get reenergized and ready to talk.

Anonymous said...


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