GIVING: Needs, Wants, and What Seems Best

During this season of giving, we are all aware of that fine line between enjoying the season, and becoming indulgent. Last time I challenged you to examine your motives behind giving, particularly when it comes to giving to your child’s wants.

What did you discover?

Most parents don’t intend to spoil their children, so is there a formula to follow to avoid giving too much?  No, but there is a biblical principle:  “While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best” (Hebrews 12:10 MSG).

Yes, there is a certain amount of guesswork in parenting, but I believe Hebrews 12:10 is assuring us who follow Christ that we can trust Him to guide us in doing what is best. As the Lord trains us in what He knows is best, He trusts us to use a certain amount of plain-old common sense as we seek to train our kids. So as we seek to give to our kids “what seems best,” we must sort out the needs and the wants and make some decisions.

None of us likes to disappoint our children. But we must keep in mind the greater lessons our children need to learn. Life is full of disappointments. What are the ramifications for our children if they go into adulthood not having learned how to deal with disappointment? Might they go from one job to another in search of one that doesn’t disappoint? Might they leave their marriage in the face of disappointment in search of the perfect relationship?

Furthermore, what lessons are we teaching our children when we spend beyond our means…or even when we spend within our means but to the point of indulgence?

Too much giving can make children extremely selfish. Proverbs 30:15 tells us “the leech has two daughters,” named “Give” and “Give.” We must guard against our children becoming “slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites” (Romans 16:18).

Make it a priority to teach your child how to delay gratification. The real gift you can give your child is not gratification by getting another toy, but learning to delay gratification by not getting what he wants. Remember, if your child lacks self-control, it is you who is being controlled.

Rather than getting caught up in buying tons of gifts, give the priceless gift of time. Consider making memories simply by being together. A man wrote to me about how his family did not have much when he was growing up, but his dad made the most of it: “Every once in a while he would take the family on ‘surprise outings.’ He would only tell us to get in the car. We didn’t find out where we were going until we got there. These were good times together...” Let a spirit of generosity engender a sense of family, which leads to good times together.

As you sort out giving to needs and wants in your family, keep in mind that the best thing we can give to our children is the intangible example of faith in God to supply all their needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus. You cannot give your children any greater gift than that!

Sarah and I wish you a blessed Christmas season reflecting on the greatest gift of all – Jesus!

~Emerson

No Perfect Family

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Everybody dreams of a perfect family.  Even though we know it doesn’t exist, we still feel guilty when we fall so far short. While rearing our three children, Sarah and I were there many times.  I remember well what it is like to win a battle but realize I might be losing the war.  As parents we were not perfect, as Sarah relays in this story:

One day in a conversation with our oldest son, Jonathan, he said to me, “Mom, you wanted a perfect family, and you didn’t get it!”  I was stunned.  I had never said that, but I obviously had communicated it without words.  Having come from a broken home and determined to do things differently, I realized at that moment I had wanted something that was impossible to attain…I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children? We were not perfect parents, our children were not perfect, and there is no perfect family! 

Although frequently asked over the past 20 years to write a book for the family, I chose to wait until our own children were grown before I’d consider it.  Although I had my PhD in child and family ecology, I knew the verdict was not out on whether I was any kind of expert.  In fact, the longer I parented, the more I became convinced that I was most definitely not an expert! 

But two years ago I started writing Love and Respect in the Family, which comes out next month (Nov 2013). During these two years of writing, I wanted to quit several times as I re-visited my failings as a parent. So why didn't I quit? My three kids told me not to.  They said I needed to give myself some grace and get this message of love and respect to parents. But in order for it to be an honest and candid work, I wanted the kids to speak into what I wrote.

I have a feeling that you can relate to my feelings of parenting failure...at least some of the time.  But I also want to give you hope in the midst of discouragement! 

While there’s no perfect family, I believe God has given us the perfect parenting plan in His Word.  I’ll be sharing some of what I learned in the next several weeks.

Be assured my adult children, now in their thirties, have signed off on everything I share – the good, the bad, and the ugly!

~Emerson

Pre-Order your copy of Love and Respect in the Family here

Your Children are Watching…

Enthusiastic Young People Embrace L&R in Slovenia 

If you are married and have children, remember your kids are watching.

One couple who came to a Love & Respect event as a last attempt to save their marriage, started reading the couple’s devotional together (The Love & Respect Experience) when they returned home. Soon after, their 4 year old son said, “Daddy, when I have a wife, I want to read that book with her just like you do with Mommy!” His Mom told us that previously he would get very upset when they argued. Now, when he senses even a little tension he tells them, “Go read the book!”

Are you paying attention to how your behavior affects your little ones? How about your teenagers? Could the increased tension you sense from them be a result of the tension they feel between you and your spouse?

Every now and then I get an email from a teenager or young adult who want to know how they can help their parents get along. Their concern and anxiety over their parents’ fighting or indifference to one another is heart-wrenching. They ask me how they can get their parents to read the Love & Respect book or come to a conference.

I understand because I grew up in a home where my parents were often fighting. I have memories of this as young as two years old. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I would’ve been beside myself with joy if my parents had gone to a marriage conference during those tumultuous years!

That’s one of the reasons why I do what I do. And one of my greatest joys is when I hear a story of how a child or young adult brought their parents to a conference!

Recently, while in the country of Slovenia, a pastor from a local church relayed a story that warmed my heart. A teenaged brother and sister, who were new Christ-followers, were concerned for their parents who were having some difficult struggles. When they heard about the Love & Respect conference, they bought their parents tickets and “dragged them there.” Afterwards, their parents said “This night changed our lives. We are going to make this our project: to go through the Love & Respect book together!”

Their teenagers were ecstatic! But what got them most excited was when their parents kissed – something they had not seen them do in a very long time.

Yes, parents…even your teenagers are watching. They are not indifferent to your marriage.

I was encouraged in Slovenia, a country where the majority of couples choose to live together rather than marry, that young people came out in large numbers to hear this message on marriage. They are choosing a different path than their parents.

What kind of an example is your marriage? What can you do – today – to change your course?

Respectfully,
~Emerson

FAQ: My Husband is a Workaholic

 

Question:  My husband is a workaholic. Work comes before me and the kids. Your first point in CHAIRS is to admire and respect his desire to work.  If I compliment him on his work, won't I just be encouraging him to work more?  

Answer:  First, I caution that I cannot guarantee that what I have to say will automatically get a husband to quit working so many hours and be at home a lot more. However, in counseling many couples in this situation, I have made three observations that usually help a wife deal with the situation in a more positive way.

First, to influence him directly, respectfully say, “Your children (daughter, son) need you at home more. You have a unique influence on them. In certain areas, nobody matters to them as much as you do. It may not appear that way to you, but your positive presence has the power to mold them. I know you are swamped and have little time, but I also know that you want to give them that part of you that no one else can give to them. Thanks.”  If you do not have children, reiterate how important he is to you, and you miss having time with him.  However, keep this friendly and not whiny!

Second, you need not praise him for all the work he is doing away from home. In other words, don’t feel that you must respect what may be a negative obsession. Instead, look for non-work areas in which to express respect. Remember, you cannot devalue what he is doing at work in order to get him to value the family more. Do not say or imply, “I am not going to respect you until you start helping me and the children.” That is equal to having him say or imply, “I am not going to show you and the family any love until you start honoring me for what I do at work.” Disrespect never motivates love, and lack of love never motivates respect.

Finally, some husbands work because it is the place they feel respected. If a wife is negative, complaining, and disrespectful, what man wants to come home? A man does not hear the deeper cry of his wife’s heart when she makes a personal attack on him and his work. He does not hear, “Rescue me.” Instead he hears, “I despise you.” So he asks for (or chooses) overtime at work.

As hard as this is to hear, you will need to be patient and see this as a 6 month project. Give your husband time to bring some things at work to completion and to introduce “no” into his vocabulary on the job. Give him time to taste what it’s like to be an influence in his own home with his own children (not to mention you). Have confidence in God’s Word and allow time for the Holy Spirit to work.

Emerson

Christmas Chaos

Although we know that Christmas is supposed to be about Jesus, we can’t deny that the busyness of the holiday season can zap us of our time, energy and patience. Furthermore, the anticipation of gathering with extended family and in-laws is not always pleasant. Soon our focus drifts from the very reason we are so busy and we find ourselves in the midst of Christmas chaos!

Here’s what one wife writes:

The holidays are coming up, which are going to lead to all sorts of interaction with my husband’s family and is therefore an especially hot time for us with our problems. In desperation I began a woman's study of the Motivating your Man books with some girlfriends. I've also been listening to the CD's again in my car.

Here's the miracle - two days ago, my husband called to say that another (dreaded for me) family event was coming up. This has been a classic opening to our past arguments. Instead of continuing down my usual path, I said, "More than anything, I want to respect you in this area. I've messed up in the past and I want to tell you again how sorry I am about that. This is just so hard for me. I am so confused about what you need me to do and what I should do, but I want to be respectful. I need you to tell me what looks respectful to you on this matter and help me do that."

Wow. What an amazing difference in the conversation that followed. My husband instantly melted and became very warm and compassionate. He accepted my apology very gracefully, and on his own made a number of apologies about his own past behavior. He began talking about past problems and I was really able to listen to him. He felt understood by me. I was able to talk about things I have tried to talk about or have wanted to say for years - and he listened. For the first time ever, I finally felt he heard me, tried to put himself in my place, and acknowledged that he saw how difficult some of the situations we struggle with have been for me. He then proceeded to tell me exactly what he wanted me to do, and how he wanted me to handle these family functions that have been so difficult.

What he asked for is reasonable and something I feel I can do. More than that, for the first time I feel like I have his love and support and understanding about these tough things and that alone is going to make it easier to be in hard situations. I'm not sure if this seems small or big to you, but for me it is an earth shattering, marriage changing turning point. (~Katie)

As you head into this Christmas season are you willing to make this small adjustment to work with, not against, your spouse? Recently we heard back from this wife – now 8 years later – and this “small change” indeed was a major turning point in their marriage! We will share that with you next time, but what will you do to follow this woman’s example? Wives, are you willing to soften your approach as this wife did? Husbands, can you lovingly seek to understand your wives?

Instead of continuing down your usual path of Christmas chaos, make the Love & Respect change. It really is the best gift you can give each other!

~Emerson

p.s.

Ladies, be sure to also check out our new Women's DVD Study, Respectfully Yours: The Secret to Power and Influence in Your Marriage