Why is Marriage So Hard?

Photo Credit: Brook Mosser - Instagram: @brookmosser

From the letters I receive, I think it’s safe to say that none of us expected marriage to be so hard. Most of us thought we were marrying our best friend and lover and looked forward to being with them forever.

But it doesn’t take long for the marital bliss to wear off. Couples write me saying that the trouble started as soon as they got back from their honeymoon…or even during their honeymoon!

If we marry, we will have trouble.

It turns out that the Bible warned us that if we married, we would have trouble (1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV)! 

The Bible is not an antiquated book filled with rules to make us miserable. God’s commands are designed to help us, not to harm us. So when the apostle Paul warns us that if we marry, we will have trouble, he is just giving us a heads up on what to expect. Paul points out that marriage itself brings distractions -- as opposed to celibacy. These distractions that come to the married create distress and troubles for the marriage.

How we handle conflict is key.

Nothing kills the feeling of love like conflict…whether it’s overt conflict or simmering, below-the-surface conflict.

Conflict in itself is not bad. In fact, it’s essential and unavoidable in good relationships. But it’s how we handle the conflict that can be deadly to a marriage.

The quicker couples can accept a degree of conflict, the better off they will be.

Again, God has allowed these marital stresses. Obviously, I am not saying that all conflict is designed by God, but I encourage couples not to freak out and claim they've made a mistake because they have tension in their marriage. They are in the center of God's will, not outside of His will!

You don’t need to stay stuck in a cycle of conflict.

This is not to say that God wants us to stay stuck in conflict! The good news is this cycle can be broken. We call it the Crazy Cycle, and we made some discoveries that can help you get out of this cycle and begin to enjoy your marriage again.

What did we discover?

Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.

Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict. For example, if a woman feels unloved during conflict, her natural reaction is to respond disrespectfully. And when a husband feels disrespected during conflict, his reaction is to respond unlovingly. This is when the Crazy Cycle starts to spin: “Without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.”

Both need love and respect  but there's a different emphasis. The best way to respect a wife is to love her based on her need for love. The best way to love a husband is to respect him based on his need for respect.

Make your marriage easier!

Are you ready to break the cycle of conflict and move towards more peace in your marriage?

Try a new approach. The next time the Crazy Cycle spins out of control, ask yourself:

Does my wife need reassurance of my love even though we are in conflict?

Does my husband need to know I respect him even though I don't agree with him on this issue?

Remember, some conflict is healthy. It’s how you deal with that conflict that can make or break a marriage. 

Try more love and respect and see if your marriage gets a little easier.

Emerson

One Simple Way to Improve Your Marriage

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If I told you one simple thing you could do to improve your marriage, would you do it?

As a boy growing up in Peoria, Illinois, I would often ride my bike up and down the street. I can recall one couple I would see often as I rode by. He’d be working under his car in the driveway and she’d be out there sitting on a stool, smoking a cigarette, doing her nails, or just chewing gum. There was no other woman around. He was under the car, and she was saying nothing while he worked.

I believe this woman discovered a simple way to improve her marriage.

For some reason, I always remembered that couple. In fact, years later as I thought about them, I realized something. Many couples on our block divorced, but this couple never did. Somehow, she understood that just sitting there with him and saying nothing while he worked was a positive thing. She bonded with him even though they weren’t talking.

She shares her heart face-to-face.

Have you noticed that men and women do friendship differently? Typically (and I realize there are always exceptions to the general rule), female friendship involves face-to-face talking and sharing. Best girlfriends share their hearts, dreams and frustrations with one another. Although they enjoy doing activities together, it is the close heart-to-heart sharing that binds them together as “best friends.”

He shares activities shoulder-to-shoulder.

Male friendship, however, generally involves activity or watching an activity shoulder to shoulder, without much talking (other than some commentary). Guys hang with other guys that enjoy the same types of activities or hobbies – anything from sports to computers to working on their cars. They are comfortable sitting shoulder-to-shoulder watching TV without talking…or working side-by-side at their favorite hobby. It is the activity that binds them together as “best buds” more than the conversation.

During dating, they put their best foot forward.

Generally, when a guy and girl is dating, they put their best foot forward and do whatever the other enjoys doing, as a way to get to know one another and even impress one another. A guy is willing to sit and talk face-to-face as he gets to know a girl, especially because she is attentively hanging on to his every word! And a girl is more than happy to watch her guy tinker on his car, just as a way to be close to him. Attending activities together and even going for walks hand in hand is all part of dating – and it works. They fall in love!

He’s preoccupied. She’s too busy.

But after marriage, things tend to get more complicated. The busyness of life creeps in and things become mundane. A husband can be preoccupied and quieter than when they were dating. And a wife is often too busy to sit and watch her lover tinker on the car or computer. Gradually, they drift apart…each irritated with the other for not taking the time to meet their need for face-to-face or shoulder-to-shoulder time.

Who goes first?

When a husband moves first and takes time to talk face-to-face with his wife, his wife is more motivated to be shoulder-to-shoulder with him without talking. Conversely, if a wife moves first and chooses to be shoulder-to-shoulder with her husband without talking, her husband is more motivated to be close and talk face-to-face with her.

Who goes first? The more mature one in the relationship. Ouch.

Get some of the spark back!

This isn’t a magic bullet and it’s not going to work instantly. The deeper the distrust in the marriage, the longer it takes. But eventually what goes around comes around, and just doing this one simple thing can put some of the spark back in your marriage!

Will you look for ways to be the mature one in your relationship this week?

Men, will you seek to meet your wife’s need for face-to-face time? Women, will you take the time to sit quietly with your husband at an activity of his choice…without talking?

I believe if you do this one simple thing, it will improve your marriage!

Emerson

For more information on simple ways to improve your marriage, go to Love & Respect, Part Two: The Energizing Cycle.

What I Know Now: Newly Married Ladies and Joy’s Response to Sad Stories

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

In case you’re just tuning in, we’re smack dab in the middle of the What I Know Now series. My hope for all these parental interviews is to highlight the importance of asking questions and seeking counsel—we have so much to learn from those who’ve gone before us.

Think of it as an echo of The Illumination Project song, an opening band to the main show, a slice of apple pie before the main course.

(Which doesn’t really apply because I don’t love pie and would rather eat two main courses than a dessert. Just me?)

Anyway, my momma is here today sharing wisdom with those of you who have recently tied the knot and are living the dream of #newlymarriedbliss. For my parents, that dream involved being best friends and taping together carpet squares.

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

Want to hear what Emerson had to say to newly married men? Check it out HERE.

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Questions

What does it mean to put friendship first in a marriage?

What other advice would you give newly married ladies?

Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.

What I Know Now: Newly Married Men and Déjà Vu Conversations

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

Friendlings, if you’ve been around the site for the past week, you should know two things:

1. The Illumination Project has launched! My baby, born!

2. We are smack dab in the middle of the What I Know Now series, starring none other than my wonderful (and often hilarious) parentals.

My hope for these videos is for you to get a taste of what The Illumination Project is all about—seeking older, wiser counsel. Last week, my mom and dad weighed in on what they wished they had known when they were single and ready to mingle. For those of you keeping score at home, #dadjokes and high school memories are involved.

Today we’re talking with my padre about advice for all y’all who’ve recently gotten hitched. If that’s you, sit back and enjoy, because not only does my dad teach you about communication with your new spouse, he also throws in a little Spanish lesson.

Olé!

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

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Question

What advice would you give men who’ve recently tied the knot?

Single and searching (for advice)? Check out what the ‘rents had to say HERE.

Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.

A Husband Finds the Log in His Own Eye

This testimony prompted deep gratefulness in my heart! 

My wife and I were born into families that did not necessarily set us up for success. We married in between our junior and senior year of undergrad (college). 

I loved my wife dearly, but by far spent more of my time thinking about the “husband is the head of the home” scriptures. The first several months of my marriage I think I spent a lot more time “beating my chest” about those scriptures than thinking in particular about Heather’s concerns or my responsibility to her as a husband, even after she became pregnant a few months after marriage.  

Sometime around our 5th month of marriage or so I got it in my head that I was going to be a real spiritual husband and begin praying regularly for my wife. I would wait for Heather to go to bed and wait until she was asleep, then I would go in and pray. My prayers were usually along the lines of “Dear God, please make Heather a woman of prayer. Please make her a wise woman, and a good mother. Please make her a woman of your word.” Etc.  

One night about two weeks after I started doing this I went in to pray. I went to open my mouth and the Lord dropped a sentence in my mind and a revelation in my heart. The sentence was the verse, “Husbands, LOVE YOUR WIVES AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.” I had read this several times before but had glossed completely over it because of my lack of understanding, selfishness, etc. The Lord drilled it into my mind.  

At the same time He dropped a revelation into my heart, which occurred amazingly fast but essentially took me back through my married life with Heather and showed me just how much I had been putting conditions on Heather as to whether I would love her or not.  

Even the “praying” I had been doing was really my bringing to God a list of the things I wanted in a wife, more conditions to love her by. I was thinking “I will love her if…” I had never seen it, and I was floored, really speechless.  

When I finally started talking all I could say was to tell the Lord that I loved my wife over and over. 

I stewed on this for a few weeks and then when Heather and I were taking a trip I took the concentrated alone time in the car to tell her about what God had convicted me of and to repent to her for loving her conditionally, and I committed to her to love her unconditionally. It was a beginning to a very new time in our marriage.  

I have always believed that one of the reasons why God could come and deal with me so severely (Thank Him for it!) was because Heather was not in disobedience (to God). It kind of had a feel of “Heather, why don’t you just step aside and let Me take care of this knuckle head for you…Whack!” 

So I spent the next 14 years pretty aggressively going after “Husbands, love your wives...” We of course had our spats and failures, and whatever my desire was I certainly didn’t always love her as I knew I should, but it was my goal.  

Right now I am going through your material with a group for the third time and enjoying it thoroughly. I suppose I am a Love and Respect Zealot. I appreciate your example in the DVD teachings of holding up Love and Respect together to be valued. I seek the Lord to be balanced with the truth and watching the DVDs is a great help. (Bill) 

I salute Bill as a true man of honor! As you read these verses, replace “your brother” with your spouse’s name.

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Luke 6:41, 42 (NASB) says: “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or, how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.” 

I am inspired to take a fresh look at the logs in my own eye. How about you?

~Emerson

See other testimonials and share your marriage testimony with us here.

If You Marry, Get Ready for Troubles

Photo Credit: Lesley Miller

Happily ever after…

That’s what we hope marriage will be on that long-anticipated day when we walk down the aisle. But it doesn’t take most of us long to figure out that’s a myth.

Not even the Bible promises “happily ever after.” In 1 Corinthians 7:28 the Apostle Paul says that we will have "trouble" if we marry. Those troubles are inevitable. If you marry, get ready for troubles.

God desires that we all live in harmony, but that doesn’t mean we will live in an environment free from all conflict or trouble. It is how we deal with those troubles that will either lead to harmony or sin.

If we do not accept the inevitability of some trouble as part of God’s design, we may fall for the idea that marriage should be happily ever after. And then when troubles do come, we conclude that we are not receiving what we deserve. Have we been dealt an unfair hand? Is God against us?

When these moments come, how will we deal with them?

A friend of my daughter Joy captures this. Let’s hear from Lesley Miller who shares with transparency the trouble she and her husband Jonathan recently went through:

My life changed rapidly one afternoon last fall. I’d been pacing the house waiting for Jonathan’s phone call about his test results. And when it came, and he said “Cancer,” I collapsed into my chair and fell apart.

I remember sobbing the tears that don’t let you catch your breath; the kind that make you gasp for air and wail in such a way you don’t recognize your own primal sounds. Rocking back and forth, I stared at the blackboard on our kitchen wall. It read, “Sun is shining, weather is sweet, makes you want to move your dancing feet.” I’d written the Bob Marley lyric in August, after I’d given birth to Anna. We’d been living in a dizziness of warmth since her arrival that I’d never felt before, and certainly didn’t think would end so abruptly… Click here for Lesley’s entire story...

~Emerson

FAQ: My Husband is a Workaholic

 

Question:  My husband is a workaholic. Work comes before me and the kids. Your first point in CHAIRS is to admire and respect his desire to work.  If I compliment him on his work, won't I just be encouraging him to work more?  

Answer:  First, I caution that I cannot guarantee that what I have to say will automatically get a husband to quit working so many hours and be at home a lot more. However, in counseling many couples in this situation, I have made three observations that usually help a wife deal with the situation in a more positive way.

First, to influence him directly, respectfully say, “Your children (daughter, son) need you at home more. You have a unique influence on them. In certain areas, nobody matters to them as much as you do. It may not appear that way to you, but your positive presence has the power to mold them. I know you are swamped and have little time, but I also know that you want to give them that part of you that no one else can give to them. Thanks.”  If you do not have children, reiterate how important he is to you, and you miss having time with him.  However, keep this friendly and not whiny!

Second, you need not praise him for all the work he is doing away from home. In other words, don’t feel that you must respect what may be a negative obsession. Instead, look for non-work areas in which to express respect. Remember, you cannot devalue what he is doing at work in order to get him to value the family more. Do not say or imply, “I am not going to respect you until you start helping me and the children.” That is equal to having him say or imply, “I am not going to show you and the family any love until you start honoring me for what I do at work.” Disrespect never motivates love, and lack of love never motivates respect.

Finally, some husbands work because it is the place they feel respected. If a wife is negative, complaining, and disrespectful, what man wants to come home? A man does not hear the deeper cry of his wife’s heart when she makes a personal attack on him and his work. He does not hear, “Rescue me.” Instead he hears, “I despise you.” So he asks for (or chooses) overtime at work.

As hard as this is to hear, you will need to be patient and see this as a 6 month project. Give your husband time to bring some things at work to completion and to introduce “no” into his vocabulary on the job. Give him time to taste what it’s like to be an influence in his own home with his own children (not to mention you). Have confidence in God’s Word and allow time for the Holy Spirit to work.

Emerson

[Repost] New Beginnings

This week we anticipate the celebration of the greatest event in Christianity – the resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ, who died that we may have LIFE! This reality – that we have new life here on earth, followed by eternal life – is overwhelming. For the Christian, nothing compares!

New life in Christ means a new beginning - even in our marriage. In fact, the beauty of the gift of salvation is that each day is a new beginning. No longer do we need to live in self-condemnation, shame, and regret. These are replaced with forgiveness, joy, and hope! Even when we fall back into our old ways of behaving, forgiveness is extended to us. What an amazing gift!

Can we extend this gift of grace within the context of marriage? We first must give ourselves grace, as we inevitably “mess up” day after day. Don’t collapse in defeat. Remember, today is a new day - a new beginning - another chance to do it better.

You may have some wonderful short-term results applying the Love and Respect principles – and praise God for them! But overall we need to take the long view. Easy success unwisely relaxes us. We then get crushed when a new battle arises. Proverbs 24:16 says, “For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again.” The difference between couples with great marriages and those with bad marriages isn’t the absence of conflict. Successful couples rebound quickly and start again. Unsuccessful couples get discouraged and angry and withdraw into stubbornness, refusing to start over. They close off to God and one another.

Satisfying and stable marriages see failure as part of success. Hall of Fame batters miss 7 out of 10 times. Babe Ruth struck out more than anybody! But he didn’t quit. Successful couples do not let the loss of a battle drive them to the conclusion that they have lost the war. Nor do they let temporary victories lull them into a false sense of security.

It takes time to relearn behavior…to unconditionally respect your husband or to unconditionally love your wife…especially when he/she does not respond the way you would like. But God’s Word does not disappoint. He knows that we are naturally impatient creatures so He tells us to take heart and to be patient. Be especially encouraged because when you do what God wants you to do, you are sowing for the long term.

This is about reaping a glorious harvest because you took the time to plant things the right way and wait until the crops bore fruit. This is not about short-term control but about long-term fruitfulness.

Be patient! Today is a new day. Begin again…

Happy Easter!

Emerson and Sarah

*Originally posted 4-18-11

Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4DG8d

Darkest Before the Dawn

In my last blog I challenged the wives to be the mature one in the relationship and consider changing the tone at home.  I promised to challenge the husbands equally, so guys…now it’s your turn.  Here’s a testimony from a husband who realized he could no longer assume his marriage was ok…he needed to step up and save it.  He figured out what it truly means to unconditionally love, even when not receiving anything in return.  I salute him as an honorable man!

My wife and I were high school sweethearts and have been together 19 years and married for 15.  Most of our marriage has been great with many more ups than downs.  Then about a year and a half ago, we began arguing much, much more than we ever had before.  I became more withdrawn and angry, and she became completely uninterested in me sexually and affectionately.  We both seemed to blame much of this on the stress we were under.  After we talked out a particularly nasty episode of “Blame Your Spouse for All Your Problems,” things seemed to get better for about six months.   

Oh how wrong I was!

One day it was like someone just flipped a switch in her, and she completely withdrew from me.  I tried to push her to talk but she was not responding to my barrage of questions and complaints about her.

  I finally said, "Don't you want to work this out?" 

 I was absolutely floored when she replied, "I don't know." 

 

In my mind this was just another stupid argument about the same old thing.  Of course we would work it out, we always did before!  She just said that all she knew is she wasn't happy, and hadn't been for a while.

It was as if a truck hit me and was parked on my chest!  The one thing I felt I had done right in my life was to be a good husband, and now I was faced with the fact that I had driven the love of my life away from me.  

After a few tense days, I got up the nerve to ask her point blank, "Are you going to leave me?" to which she replied again, "I don't know.” 

(Later I found out things were much worse than I had originally thought.  She had already sought the advice of a divorce attorney "just to see what her options were" and was having an inappropriate relationship with a male friend that was on the way to becoming an affair.) 

I set up an appointment with a family therapist, which she balked at but did come to the appointment.  The best thing to come out of the session was as ‘homework’ we should get a copy of your book (Love & Respect)… Now let me tell you, I am a big skeptic of most self-help type books, but I was desperate to find a way to reconnect with my wife and keep my family together, so I headed for the bookstore. I started reading as soon as I got home…it was like the first few chapters had been written about us!  I now realize that we have been on the Crazy Cycle to some degree for probably five years!  I was blaming her for her not being interested in me anymore, but seeing how I was really hurting her all this time, I understood for the first time what was really happening!  It was so simple once I saw my actions through the eyes of Love and Respect!  She didn't feel loved! I have always said it frequently, but my actions told her another story.   

I have finally let go of all the small stuff that I grew into a big problem. I was always ready and willing to fix our problems, but I was never able before because I was trying to treat the symptoms instead of the cause. 

 I FINALLY GET IT!!!   

We aren't in the same place yet (in our healing) and it is very frustrating at times not having her respond to me, but I realize that she feels like she worked on this problem for a year and got no response from me (in my defense, I didn’t even know we had a problem at the time!)…and she is exhausted from trying.  With God's help, I will continue to work on us every minute of every day to help her and to put my own feelings of frustration aside.  As you said, it is not fair, but no one ever said life or love was going to be fair, and in the end the reward of having my wife back will be well worth it!   

I feel that although she knows that she has had a part in all of this, she doesn't really own up to her part of the blame at this point and is still putting it all on me.  That's okay, I feel like I deserve most of it and I'll continue to work on my share whether she is ready to take on hers or not.  

My biggest challenge at this point is trying not to get my feelings hurt, and balancing my love and support for her without smothering her. 

I only pray that it is not too late for us, but with hard work and God's help, I know we will pull through this.  He has told me that it is going to be alright with us, but that it is going to be a long, hard fight.  But anything worth having takes working for, and I don't mind getting my hands dirty!  

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity to make me a better person and husband, and may God bless you for writing this wonderful book. (Anonymous) 

Men, do you find yourself in a similar situation?  To continue loving unconditionally when receiving very little in return is a tough test.  Will we persevere out of obedience to Christ, or crumble in defeat?  Remember…it’s always darkest before the dawn.  You can do this!

 

Emerson

Respect During Tough Times

May I speak just to the wives today?  In my last blog we discussed what unconditional really means.  I know how difficult the concept of unconditional respect is so today I want to share a testimony from a wife who figured this out, with powerful results. This woman’s husband endured an accident that left him unable to work.  Within that difficulty, she learned to be sensitive to her husband’s needs; despite what I’m sure was a very hard time for her.  I think her story will inspire you as it did me.  

I still marvel at how God has used Love & Respect to transform our marriage!  It really does work. I think the most unstated truth about relationships is how much men need respect from their wives, and how an unthinking comment can hurt them so much.

God has helped me a lot to try to say words that will help my husband, but today I blew it. My husband has been in a nursing home or hospital since January, 2007. He's not able to work at this time. This morning he was talking about letting me get on to my job. Teasingly I said, "Someone in this family has to get out and earn a living." When he responded, "You really know how to cut a guy to the heart," I knew I had erred big time.  

The busyness of the day got in the way, but in the few quiet moments I had, the Holy Spirit kept reminding me, "You have got to make this right." All day long this happened. When I left the nursing home this evening, my husband was getting ready for bed. On the way home, the Holy Spirit reminded me again, "Fix this." So I called my husband and said, "I need to apologize to you." He asked why, and when I started reviewing what I had said this morning, he got very quiet. I assured him I really was only teasing, but teasing comments can still be hurtful.  Then I told him, "Here is what I really know about you. If you could work, I know you would work very hard to provide for us. I know how important your work is to you, and I saw you work hard before we were married and before the accident. I know that when you are able to work again, you will work hard for us."  

Even over the phone, I could tell that my husband's spirit had been restored. For our anniversary, I wrote a card for him in which I reminded him that I had long viewed him as my knight in shining armor. Even though he was heavily medicated that evening, I could tell that the words of my respect and admiration for him pierced that fog.  

This is such a simple principle: the more I show my husband respect, the more love he shows to me. If unconditional respect is what my husband needs most emotionally, why would I want to deprive him of it? I most certainly need and want his unconditional love! I do not show him unconditional respect in order to manipulate him, I do it because it is right.  (Anonymous) 

Powerful words from a woman who truly understands her husband’s deepest need.  Wives, what are you willing to do today to show your husband unconditional respect?  Remember…unconditional means exactly that…NO conditions. Do you need to begin with a simple apology? 

In my next blog I’ll share a testimony from a husband who learned the true meaning of unconditional love, so resist the urge to say, “Well…what about him? Why are you picking on us wives?” Can you be the mature one and do what you can do to change the tone in your relationship?  I believe you can!

 

Emerson

What Does Unconditional Really Mean?

When I talk about unconditional respect being equal to unconditional love (Ephesians 5:33), one of the questions I hear the most is some variation of, “Are you telling me I have to unconditionally respect my husband’s bad behavior and become a door mat? Everyone knows respect must be earned!”

Interestingly, in our culture we don’t have a problem understanding unconditional love…in fact, we see unconditional love as the right of every human being. Imagine expecting our children to “earn” our love!  We would disapprove of such parenting. Most of us have no problem separating the person from their behavior when it comes to love.  Love the person, hate the sin.  Right?

But mention unconditional respect and some women go through the roof!  Immediately, visions of weak, dependent women flood their minds – along with the inevitable label – DOOR MAT. 

So is this what Christ had in mind for married women?  Not at all! 

When the Bible reveals that a wife is to respect her husband, it is shown in the same way a husband is to show love to his wife (Eph. 5:33).  Both are unconditional. 

However, unconditional does not mean you remove all the healthy conditions that make a marriage succeed.  Unconditional does not mean you go along with bad behavior, giving another person license to do whatever he or she feels.  Unconditional does not mean superficial praise. 

Unconditional means that you give the person the gift of love and respect as you confront the issues.  In other words, you recognize that a hostile and contemptuous attitude is ineffective in helping resolve the issues. 

A husband may not deserve respect because he has not earned respect, but a wife’s disrespect for him is ineffective long-term—and not biblical. No husband responds to disrespectful attitudes any more than a wife responds to unloving and disrespectful attitudes.  Put it this way:  this is about how we come across when addressing issues.  This is not about our spouse's worthiness.

Let me repeat that!  This is not about our spouse's worthiness.

Unconditional means NO CONDITION can arise that stops you from dealing with the situation in a loving or respectful manner.  We might say your love or respect is UN-situational or UN-circumstantial.  No situation, circumstance or condition in your marriage can CAUSE you to react in hostility or contempt. 

No matter the conditions, God calls you to show love and respect to your spouse.  No matter the conditions, you have the freedom to choose a loving and respectful demeanor.  No matter the conditions, your spouse cannot stop you from loving and respecting. 

In a strange way, this becomes incredibly freeing!  Our response is our responsibility…and not dependent on our spouse’s behavior.

 Are you showing unconditional love and respect towards your spouse?  This isn’t easy, but God never gives us a command He doesn’t equip us to obey!  Humbly ask Him to help…and He will.

 

Emerson

 
P.S.  If you are a woman who would like practical ideas on how to unconditionally respect (even in tough situations), please check out RespectfullyYours, our new DVD study for women.

THE MARRIAGE CONFERENCE MEN WANT TO ATTEND

               …a message from Sarah Eggerichs

My favorite part of the Love & Respect Marriage Conference is the opportunity to meet the amazing men and women who attend. I am especially moved by the men who come.  Why?  Because I see men respond in powerful ways to this message and it always touches my heart.  In fact, I want to subtitle it “The marriage conference men want to attend!”
 

This is what one man wrote us: 
 

"This truly is a conference men want to attend.  What was said at this event captured what I feel and think as a man.  It also challenged me to understand the heart of my wife.  Our marriage has been energized.”

 

Wives are asking their husbands, “Is this the way you feel?” Men are saying, “Absolutely.”

 
Why do men find our marriage conference so “male-friendly”?

 

We understand that good willed men serve and die for issues of honor and respect. Not long ago in Aurora, Colorado we saw a man open fire in a theater, killing many people.  What I found so noble is that 4 boyfriends gave their lives for their girlfriends in that theater. I’m deeply moved at the thought that my two sons would die for their sister!  But if they were ever in that situation, I know they would.

 Yet men can appear to lack motivation to show love. What husband does not know that he is to love his wife? Our culture screams this message everywhere we go.  Generally speaking, husbands don’t lack this knowledge. 

But what many of them do lack, for some reason, is motivation. Who most often urges attendance at a marriage seminar?  Who reads the books on marriage?  Who tries to get a spouse to change?  You got it.  She does. 

 So what is the issue? 

Most men know their wives love them, but they often feel we don’t like them – or respect them, for who they are. Now we know that women need respect too!  There are two sides to every coin.  But if a woman is feeling disrespected in her marriage, her conclusion is usually, “You don’t love me!  How can you say you love me and treat me with such disrespect?” She lands on love. 

We discovered a Crazy Cycle: without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love. This starts the Crazy Cycle spinning!

She is not trying to be disrespectful but she appears that way, and he is not trying to be unloving but he appears that way.

We want to help you get off that Crazy Cycle.  We will put a voice and vocabulary to what a husband feels and he will be energized in a way no other marriage conference energizes him. That's a promise.

 

And, we will help husbands understand that the deepest longing in the heart of his wife is for love and that her mission is to connect with him at that level. If she appears disrespectful that is not her intent as a good willed woman.

 

We hope you’ll join us at one of our Live or Video Conferences and energize your marriage in 2013!

With love and respect,
 

Sarah