SUBMISSION IN MARRIAGE: WHAT ABOUT HUSBANDS?

We don’t hear too much about submission anymore. And if we do, it’s usually a command to the wife, to submit to her husband. Still, this is considered a bit archaic in today’s modern culture.

But what does the Bible say? Before the section on marriage in Ephesians 5, we read in verse 21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Should a husband submit to his wife? Yes. He submits to his wife’s need to feel loved. I take this position by combining God’s command in Ephesians 5:21 to mutually submit, with God’s command in Ephesians 5:25-31 to a husband to love his wife.

Juxtaposition, a wife submits to her husband's need to feel respected. I take this position by combining God's command in Ephesians 5:22-24 to a wife submitting to her husband, with God's command in Ephesians 5:33 to a wife to respect her husband.

Beautifully a husband and wife mutually submit during a conflict when a husband submits to his wife's need to feel loved during the argument and a wife submits to her husband's need to feel respected during the argument!

In the Bible, Hosea serves as a godly example of a man who submitted to his wife’s need for love during a major breakdown in their marriage. In Hosea 3:1 God says to Hosea, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress.” Gomer did not deserve love but Hosea deferred to her need for love.

What might that look like in today’s culture? Like Hosea, listen to this husband who put on love to win his wife back. Though he contributed to the marital difficulties, when he submitted to his wife’s need for his love, God gave him favor. He writes:

"I have been married for 10 years. About once or twice a year we'd have a big argument where she would give me the laundry list of all the things I was doing wrong and ask why I hated her. I was always surprised - I thought I loved her very much, and by biting the bullet and not letting her emasculating behaviors toward me effect me, I thought I was being the bigger, better man. In reality, I was the king of the stone wall. The only time I would show her any tenderness at all was when I wanted to have sex... which was constantly... so I thought I was showing love on a regular basis.

"She became desperate for me to love her, which I thought I did. Only now do I realize that my behavior was telling her just the opposite. I came to understand (she) had been having an affair for a couple of months. This rocked my world. It never occurred to me that she would ever cheat on me. This devastated me.
Right in the middle of this, I was visiting my in-laws and my brother-in-law had your book, Love & Respect sitting on his table. Through your book, I came to realize that I had failed in my greatest task - to love my wife as Christ loves the church. Never before in our marriage had I seen how MY behavior was affecting my wife. I never believed her - or even stopped to listen - when she said things like ‘why do you hate me’ because I had never said those words to her in my life. I thought she must be crazy. But after reading your book, I now see how my stone-walling and my hard and closed-off heart gave her exactly that message. I was selfish, hard-hearted, and closed.

"I hit my knees and begged God for the grace to change and the grace to forgive her. And boy did He ever grant that. I've never understood the idea of ‘the fervent prayers of a righteous man avail much' until that moment. I prayed, and the Lord answered my prayers. The wall of stone around my heart was crushed and broken.

Armed with the knowledge from your book, I began to love my wife the way I should have been doing for the last 10 years. My wife had decided to leave me. She just couldn't take it anymore. But, I have won her back. I have been practicing ALL of the things you talk about in C.O.U.P.L.E. I have learned to love by serving. For example, my wife and I have started cooking together, and it's one of the best parts of our day. Not only have I been open and soft-hearted with her, but she has been a COMPLETELY different person towards me. I see now how my behavior affected her."

Peter tells us that God favors such husbands. Peter instructs, “be submissive” for “when you do what is right and suffer for it” and “you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God” (1 Peter 2:18-20). However, does this passage really apply to a husband? Does God really call a husband to submit to his wife?

Yes. In 1 Peter 2:13–3:7, Peter makes his main point about submission and then applies submission to citizens, slaves, wives and husbands. He says to citizens in 1 Peter 2:13, “submit yourselves.” He writes to slaves in 2:18, “be submissive.” He says in 3:1, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive." Then, and this is the clincher, he writes in 3:7, “You husbands in the same way.” To what does he refer when writing “you husbands in the same way?” In the same way that citizens submit, slaves submit and wives submit, you husbands submit. Specifically, in this text a husband submits to his wife’s need to be understood and honored. When a husband submits this way, God answers the man’s prayers (3:7)! Talk about favor!

Husband, do you want God’s favor? He favors you when you submit to your wife’s need for love, understanding, and honor! Don’t let this frighten you. Instead, try this and watch God show up. You do not lose power but experience power!

WHEN EACH STOPS BLAMING, LOOK OUT!

Have you ever played the blame game? If you are in a relationship, no doubt you have! Blaming others rather than looking at our own inadequacies is a natural part of our human nature. But I’ve noticed something powerful when working with couples: positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame-game!

As a couple, if you both confess your own issues, as uncomfortable as that is for all of us, you can move forward in remarkable ways. I see this repeatedly. If the two of you agree to stop accusing and agree to deal with your own unhealthy reactions, you have no idea what God plans to do for you! Listen to this wife and husband who attended the Love and Respect Conference.

From the wife:
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We got into a huge fight three days before the conference…I knew it was Satan attacking our marriage and did not want us to attend. I kept my mouth closed as I was so very upset with my husband that I knew if I said anything we would not go…I wanted to give this a chance (but) told myself I was going to look for a place to live when we returned home. When we arrived at the conference we were not really speaking to each other (but) by the end of the first night we left holding hands and talking. Saturday morning my husband was up before me and called me into the room and opened your book (and) as he read the first page he started to weep. It crushed me that I never told him that I respected him…There was a list of about 15 reasons why I respected him but I never said those words! I was so convicted...It was so simple. I had never realized that as a Christian woman I was actually sinning and needed to repent and ask my husband for forgiveness.

Her husband writes:
I can't explain the change in my heart towards my wife. I've been a Christian for about 17 years…The one thing that has bothered me most is that my marriage has not glorified the Lord. I would do the blame game that it was not always my fault and that I was married to an unreasonable woman and even Jesus would struggle with my marriage. I always knew what the gospel said about my responsibility as a husband and I believed that I was being obedient to God's word, until I went to Love and Respect…My heart was convicted as the reason my marriage was not glorifying God was because I was not living my marriage unto the Lord. It's not about me and my wife having our differences – it’s about me living for Christ and dying to myself and submitting my life to God…I was not allowing Christ to work in my marriage mostly due to pride. God used your conference to speak to me and change my mind and heart towards my wife. I know now that I want to live my marriage unto the Lord and love my wife unconditionally as Christ loves the church. I truly feel born again in my marriage!

This couple decided to stop the blame game! If you decide to look only at your OWN wrong reactions, and do that which God calls you to do, you can experience the same freedom and healing as this couple.

The Bible says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

It works!

DURING TOUGH FINANCIAL TIMES

Cal Rychener, the pastor of Northwoods Community Church in Peoria, Illinois, shared this poignant memory with me.

“I remember a situation from 1979. I was home for Christmas from college and one afternoon when just my mom, dad, and I were home for lunch, I saw my dad at the table with his head down in his arms. That was very unlike him and I said, ‘Dad, what’s the matter?’ He said, ‘I’ve got a $300 fuel bill that I don’t know how I’m going to pay.’

“Everything in me wanted to say, ‘Dad, let’s pray about it, turn it over to God and see what he does about it.’ But I didn’t say that. I didn’t want to sound super-spiritual. I didn’t want to get my hopes up that God might do something and then nothing happen. That’s the real tension in faith. If you truly believe God for anything, there are going to be times that you’ll feel like an idiot for trusting him. Because until he comes through you don’t know if he’s going to, and if he doesn’t, you feel like maybe you weren’t supposed to trust his promise like that. So we play it safe, and worry and fret instead of trust!

“I went up to my bedroom after lunch because I was feeling badly for my dad and I got down on my knees and prayed for him. ‘Lord, Dad never has had anything to spare with all of us kids. It’s always been so hard for him. Please bless him and provide for this fuel bill somehow.’

“I will never forget him coming up the walk that day at 5:00 pm with a surprise Christmas bonus that the boss had given to all the employees that day. Care to guess the amount of the bonus? $300! What a great answer to prayer!

“But I remember thinking, ‘Lord, I want to learn how to cultivate a heart of faith and joy at noon before I actually see you solve the problem at 5:00.’ The circumstances said at noon, ‘You’re in a heap of trouble. You’re not going to be able to pay your bills. You’ve got a reason to feel hopeless and dejected,’ and from our natural surroundings, we did! But, those were the lies that were designed to take my eyes off my Source! I was not any less secure at noon than at 5:00 p.m. Because of this, I want to trust God and give thanks to God ahead of time. I want to learn to pray, ‘Thank you Lord. Though this fuel bill is due and I don’t know how I’m going to pay it, you are the Source.’”

Cal then shared that he is learning to activate his faith through thanksgiving. “For me the secret to operating in faith is found in this little word - thanksgiving.”

Years later, as the senior pastor of Northwoods Community Church, Cal and his church board had the opportunity to purchase extra land for their exploding church. The price? $300,000. They didn’t have $300,000 so discussed borrowing and other options. Deciding to pray, Cal thanked God for this situation. He offered to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, having learned over the years that thanksgiving releases his faith. Cal only desired what God desired for the church, and did not want to worry and fret. Thanksgiving lifts the burdens and anxieties. Thanksgiving brings peace and confidence.

The next day in the mail a businessman in the church sent Cal a check for $300,000. This man had no idea about the need or the board discussions. He knew nothing. This man simply felt led by God to give the church a check for $300,000.

Look, Cal doesn’t receive miraculous interventions like this every time he prays! But because he has encountered God several miraculous times over the years, thanksgiving puts him in a posture to exercise faith and remain calm of heart regardless of the outcome.

Sadly, some never learn this. When the $300 bill comes, they pound the kitchen table in anger, go up to their bedroom and kick the wall, and later cope with the frustration by indulging in some carnal activity. The miracle at 5 pm never comes, and they blame God! The Bible says, “The foolishness of man ruins his way, and his heart rages against the Lord” (Proverbs 19:3).

Friend, what is your need? Are you thanking God ahead of time? Assuming you are acting as responsible as you know how, are you learning to relax and release your faith through the giving of thanks?

In your marriage, if you are experiencing an increase in financial pressures, is our Loving Lord inviting you to look to Him during these tough financial times? Don’t let your frustrations get the better of you. Keep praying. Keep thanking. .

Healing of Family of Origin and Attachment Issues

Michsam, her Love and Respect forum name, writes the following testimony about her healing of Family of Origin and Attachment concerns. Sarah and I thoroughly enjoyed her following insights:

L&R Ministries offers a simple two-part message for a strong marriage: First, your primary focus must be your relationship with God, not your relationship with your spouse. Second, you must obey God's command to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:33.

But, isn't this too simplistic for those of us with significant family of origin issues?

My testimony is that the answer to that question is "No"!

In Ephesians 4:22-24, Paul commands us to "put off your old self which is being corrupted by your deceitful desires" and "put on the new self, created to be like God."

L&R works because it shows us how we are to "put off" the old, as well as how to "put on" the new. It works because it is Biblical.

The specifics of my family of origin issues are too much to disclose here. Please believe me when I say that they are significant. The secular psychology literature describes me as someone who entered adulthood with only a limited ability to form secure attachments.

People with attachment issues have four disordered understandings of how families function. These include misunderstanding of authority, permanence, sharing, and caregiving.

In my case, I equated authority with domination, so did not feel safe in family settings. I also questioned whether my husband's love was permanent. I feared rejection and worried that he would die or leave me. Third, I had trouble sharing myself with him because I thought that meeting his needs would come at the expense of my needs not being met. Finally, I rarely asked him to meet my felt needs because my childhood experiences told me that he wouldn't take care of me. Yet even though I didn't tell him what I wanted, I would occasionally blow up at him when my needs went unmet.

Each of these beliefs and associated behaviors significantly harmed my relationship with my husband.

By explaining the "how" and "why" of God's command in Ephesians 5:33, the L&R message told me what to "put on".

First, I was to accept my husband's authority in the home because my husband needed that authority to fulfill a God-given responsibility to protect me and to provide for me. Second, my irrational questioning of my husband's love for me stemmed from my obsessive focus on the few areas in which my needs weren't met. I needed to change my focus on the positives about my husband. Third, meeting my husband's felt needs didn't have to come at the expense of his meeting my felt needs because the two of us had different needs! I could meet my husband's need for respect at the same time that he was meeting my need for love. Finally, the L&R messaged empowered me to ask my husband to meet my felt needs, but to do so in a respectful fashion.

I'm not strong enough to "put on" the new without God's help. So, "putting on" is fundamentally about my relationship with God. It's not enough to know what to do. God wants my obedience, but that is only possible if I trust in him for the strength to obey.

So far, so good. I know what I should do, and I know that God will give me the strength to do it. But, how is it possible to "put off" the family of origin issues that hinder intimacy in marriage? Well, feelings often follow behaviors. Putting on new behaviors supports the "putting off" of flawed thought patterns.

But, more than that, the L&R message reminded me that my primary relationships is my relationship with God. As I meditated on various Scripture passages that tell me who God is, I came to understand that God - and only God - can meet my deepest needs. Knowing God is the key to straightening out disordered thought patterns.

Specifically, I do not need to fear earthly authority, because my God is Righteous (Psalm 89:14-15; Psalm 71:14-16). I do not need to fear my husband's rejection of me, because my God is Trustworthy (Psalm 22:4-5; Psalm 28:6-7). I don't have to worry about having my needs met because my God is Responsive (Psalm 116:1-2; Psalm 138:2). And, I don't have to worry about taking care of myself, because my God will always be my Refuge (Psalm 142:5; Psalm 141:8).

Besides learning about who God is, I also learned about what God expects of me. Psalm 25:14 tells me that friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. My reverence is motivated by the fact that God is the sovereign Lord of the universe.

I am God's child, but that means I will have to answer to him for how I have lived my life. I must be honest with him about who I am - a sinner in need of forgiveness.

So, I do not take God's love for granted. I stand in awe of God's desire for intimacy with me.

I don't want to claim that healing from my family of origin and related attachment issues is complete or that it happened overnight. It's an ongoing process, and the wounds remain.

But, I'm here to say that that healing is possible because there is freedom in knowing God.

That's the heart of the Love and Respect message.

BRILLIANT OBSERVATIONS BY TWO MEN!

On the loveandrespect.com Forum a father, and husband, writes, “I had an amazing revelation into the pink mind yesterday, thanks to my 5-year-old daughter. My wife was working, and my daughter and I had gone to church, then to some friends’ house for lunch. We returned home about 2:30 to find the back gate open and her little Boston Terrier nowhere to be found.

“I broke the news to her as gently as possible and she was so brave! We got back into the car and drove the neighborhood for a couple of miles each direction, but no dog anywhere. When we came back home, I went over to the neighbor’s house to see if they had seen her, and they hadn’t, but promised to keep an eye out for her. That’s when my daughter really lost it and just started bawling. I honestly thought we had seen the last of the dog (it’s not a very common breed around here, and they are very hard to find), but we prayed and asked Jesus to bring the dog home.

“We made some signs and posted them in the neighborhood, and about an hour later, we got a call from a lady about ½ mile away. Our dog had followed her son home, and they had her. Needless to say, my daughter was overjoyed! We went and got the dog, and then were going to the neighbor’s house to tell them we had found her. On the way, my daughter said ‘make sure you tell them the WHOLE story!!’ I said ok, and we knocked on the door. I told them that we had put up signs, and that someone had found her and called. We said bye to the neighbors and went home, and my daughter was very upset with me.

“’You didn’t tell them the WHOLE story!!!’

“I asked her what she meant. She said, ‘I said tell them the whole story… We drove through the whole neighborhood, we couldn’t find the dog, we asked Jesus to help us find the dog, I started crying really hard, we made signs and drove all around putting them up, we came back home, we ate a bunch of candy to make me feel better, I played with my toys for a while, then we laid down for a few minutes, then the phone rang, and it was the lady who found the dog, then we got back in the car and drove to her house, and we got the dog, then we drove back home’….. You didn’t tell them the WHOLE story!!!’

“If my wife would have done that to me, I would have gotten aggravated, thinking ‘I told them the whole story. We put up signs and found the dog. That’s the whole story in a nutshell, and they don’t care about all of the details.’ But coming from my little pink 5-year-old, it really struck home with me. She’s pink, and she really cares about all the juicy details of an otherwise pretty simple story. It made me chuckle, but it also made me think. When my wife presses me for details, she may not be prying, she might just be wanting to know all of the details because she’s pink and she’s just like that.

“God, help me to be more understanding and recognize that the pinks in my life need me to understand them and speak their language. Help me to not be defensive, but to realize that I have a deficiency in understanding their needs and make-up, and use these times to reach out and try to know them better, so I can better meet their needs and be the father and husband You want me to be.”

Another father chimed in on the Forum, “A little light bulb moment from the above for me: When you're a fan of something - this is pink or blue, I believe - we want to know the whole story. How many of you guys want to hear or watch detail of the game, or the car-rebuilding show, or that "super weapons" technical show on Discovery? How many of you can spout off sports stats or the specs of a fighter jet or a golf course? Our women - wives or girlfiends or daughters - are our fans - or they should be. They want to know everything about us. They want to know the whole story, all the details. When we snub them, we come off like a celebrity sneering at a waiting fan - and they are crushed. If we crush them a few times, they won't be our fans for long...then we wonder why?”

Brilliant observations gentlemen! Brilliant.

ENDURING A SMALL HURT WITHOUT LASHING OUT

A wife writes me, “I just finished reading Cracking the Communication Code. Thank you so much for sharing your message! I have learned a great deal about what God desires for me as a wife, and I have already found great joy in putting the principles into action. My husband and I have been married just over 2 years, and we have a great relationship. We were definitely not a ‘marriage in trouble’ by most standards when I began reading Love & Respect earlier this summer, but I felt hurt more often than I wanted, and my husband was not responding to me like he did when we were dating. I started wondering, ‘what's up?’ Your books illuminated the issues for me. Here is an example of how the principles in your books really helped me behave differently in a specific situation that could have had terrible consequences if I had reacted in my normal manner:

“My husband and I are in grad school…-- he in law school and I am getting a doctorate in clinical psychology. This summer, he is interning at a law firm in another city, but I stayed based at our home. We were about 7 weeks into our long-distance summer when this particular incident happened. On this visit to him, I had already read Love & Respect and was just beginning Cracking the Communication Code. I also knew that my husband was under a lot of stress and had an interview-type meeting the day after I was to arrive. Many of my hurts in the past have come from what I have seen as a ‘lack of affection’ (or really, my feeling unloved). When I arrived outside my husband's office building on this particular day to greet him after an absence of over 2 weeks, he did not touch me at all--no hug, no kiss, no hand around the shoulders. In the past, I would have been absolutely devastated. I would probably have devolved into the silent treatment, or given him about 5 min. and then launched into a monologue on how much his actions had hurt me, or maybe peppered him with questions about ‘what's going on? are you stressed? what's wrong? are you mad at me?’ All actions that would have been counterproductive to receiving some affection from him.

“Instead, I remembered your teaching on ‘your spouse is a good-willed individual.’ I respect my husband tremendously, and he is indeed a very good-willed individual, especially toward me. Reminding myself of these facts, and remembering his big meeting the next day, I concluded that he was a bit stressed and preoccupied. We had a nice conversation on the walk home. After a quick dinner, he retreated to prepare for his interview-meeting, while I read your book. Still, there had not been any physical affection. I was deeply saddened by this point, but chose to pray to God for strength and to read your book for wisdom instead of confronting my husband in what would have surely been a disrespectful and disastrous encounter.

“I felt so joyful when, a couple hours later, my husband emerged a refreshed and lighter man, full of hugs and kisses for me! Because I had chosen to endure a small hurt without lashing out, but instead turned to God for strength, I was rewarded in many ways: I got the satisfaction of having my husband seek me out to spend time together, I enjoyed a wonderful evening with him, I learned that God can indeed carry me through hurtful situations, I learned I can control myself more than I thought, and I had the joy that my visit to him had started out on the right foot. We proceeded to have a wonderful week together.

“I am so thankful for your teaching. Before reading your book and turning to God for help in these situations, I would have belittled my husband by using ‘many words’ to describe why and how I was hurt, and how he was mainly responsible for this. Then, I would have endured several days of an emotionally shutdown husband, and the self-loathing that comes from knowing I caused his stonewalling. This time, everything was different! I felt a true peace as I was able to look at the situation through a ‘blue’ lens and turn to God for help in understanding. Thank you so much! I pray that Christ will enable me to continue to behave according to his Word. I look forward to the fruits that are sure to come in our marriage.”

Does this wife’s testimony inspire and inform you? Or does her story provoke you to anger? In anger do you want to shout, “This husband is without excuse for not hugging his wife when seeing her! He needs to change, and change now! She should have given him a piece of her mind. You cannot let a guy off the hook like this. This guy didn’t learn a thing other than he can neglect his wife’s emotional needs as he remains preoccupied with his own selfish agenda”?

Hopefully, you were not provoked to anger but were drawn into this wife’s approach. I do not believe such a wife loses her identify and influence when applying the Respect message in this manner. Though such actions feel counter-cultural and counter-intuitive, when a wife acts on the Respect message, she maintains a sense of herself and her power when:
• Remembering her husband’s good will and blue lens
• Taking her sadness to God in prayer and asking for strength for healthy self-control
• Enduring a small hurt without lashing out and blaming him
• Watching and waiting to see the positive impact of the above choices.

I pray that more wives will access the wisdom and authority available to them as they look to Christ and act on Ephesians 5:33 (“the wife must respect her husband”). This works among good willed husbands, even though short-term hurts won’t go away!

MOTHERS, SONS, AND RESPECT TALK

One mom applied the respect side of the equation in Ephesians 5:33 to her boys and said, “I'm still amazed how just using the words respect, appreciate, and admire seem to make a great difference so far with my…sons.”

Most wives are mothers, and a good percentage of these moms have sons. After some of these moms read my book - Love and Respect - on marriage, they write things like, “I have seen so much good come out of my reading your book. It literally has changed my relationship with our sons (ages 14 and 10).”

“It seems easier to give ‘love talk’, says one mom, “to our two grown girls because we're both in the pink. It was very easy to ‘love’ my guys when they were younger, but as the boys grew, I found that I had to ‘switch gears.’ This has been a challenge not because they grew to become the troublesome teenagers that everyone says in our culture are ‘on another planet,’ but now they need to be treated with more doses of respect as compared to the love. This tips the scales a little. It seems like the young guys may get the blame many times for the change in the balance, when it's not really in their control. It's in their gender.”

Are you a mother of a son? Did you switch gears from “love talk” to your baby boy to “respect talk” as your son grew? What specifically did you say or do when switching gears? Write to me about this at mothers@loveandrespect.com.

Another mother comments, “My son is 18 and even though it's hard to remember that he is a man sometimes, I've tried to give him respect in certain situations and he seems to really respond to it. I always looked at respect as something I give my husband, not my son, but after all, he is a male… and age is not a factor…he is not my baby boy anymore and he needs it as much as any other male.”

One mother emailed, “I know our sons are men-in-the-making, and that they need respect to become manly.”

A mother of an 11 year old son is discovering from her son what he needs. “I had a wonderful conversation with my 11-year-old son that same evening. We went to dinner and a movie together (a rare opportunity without his sister and dad). I asked him which was more important from Dad and Mom: to be told that we love him or that we respect/value/are proud of him? He thought for moment and then definitely stated it was more important that we value him or prize him. This is how he defined respect. I loved his expression to 'prize' him (value him as a person). He added that when he was younger (6, 7, or 8) it was more important to hear that we loved him and to show him outward affection. Now that he is entering middle school, it is more important that we respect/ trust him and allow him independence -- he strongly disapproves of 'nit picking' mothers (sounds familiar to 'nagging' wives).”

A sweet mom pens, “I have been really struggling with my nearly 4 year old son lately. Now I understand why every mother wants a daughter, and every father wants a son: because we ‘get’ them!... Having a son involves all the same pink vs. blue issues except it's with someone who can't even tie his own shoe laces yet!”

Have you seen your son’s need for respect? In your case, what specifically have you noticed? In so many words has he voiced his need for respect? Email me the story.

Beyond Respect Talk, Respect Action also counts! A mom reports, “Since he was tiny, if I spend time doing something physical with him and I do it well (like passing a ball with him), I have immediate and longer lasting obedience... then if I'd spent that time talking and talking about behavior.” Another mom applies the Respect teaching to her son. “I found especially interesting the need that men have for a shoulder-to-shoulder relationship with their wives and after reading about that, I saw it in one of my sons. He's 12 years old, and was heading outside to go to the swing set. My husband and I have observed that he's getting too old for a swing set, but he goes out there when he seems to need time alone. One day, my son and I were both headed out the back door at the same time, and he said to me, ‘I'm going to swing! Want to come?’ I knew right away what he was really saying.”

Beyond respect talk, what respect actions have you taken as a mom that energized your son to respond to you more positively? Again, write to me about this at mothers@loveandrespect.com.

Why is this respect thing important with sons? A teacher writes, “The Kindergarten classroom is a little more complicated than a normal family setting, but I have so often wished that I could take the mothers of these boys, turn them invisible, and let them see how their sons are (respectfully) treated in our class. Too often, these… moms… speak very disrespectfully about the father, and have a tendency to make the same mistakes of disrespect with their sons… They tend to bounce back and forth between appeasement and hostility when dealing with their sons…”

One gal said that she “passed a lot of this information onto (her) sisters (because) the disrespecting men and male bashing stuff runs pretty heavy in (her) family.” She then told a story that she passed onto her male bashing sisters. “I have spent a lot of my formal education studying psychology, counseling and especially counseling children… I was going to give the (respect) topic a little more thought and see if I could practice some things with my own 4 and 2 year old sons before writing. I don't have any daughters... so I can't compare but I need to share what just happened tonight before I forget. At bedtime we always do a lot of cuddling, and singing and reading and praying. We always hug and kiss at the end and I ALWAYS tell each of my boys that I love them. They always say, "I love you too, mom." Keep in mind they are 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 so this is such a sweet time. They are so sweet. They tell me often that they love me and always say it back when I initiate it (I'm sure this won't always be the case). Tonight my husband wasn't home so I was putting them to bed by myself. At the end of our time before I left the room I was real close to my 4 year old and I said, "Brendan. I totally respect you." He grinned from ear to ear and almost bashfully said, "Thank you." He is normally polite so it's not like I've never heard "Thank you" before, but in this context it kind of blew me away. I think I either expected a question like, "What do you mean?" or I expected him to just repeat it back to me. But he didn't. He just appreciated it. I then turned to my 2 year old and said, "Wyatt. I totally respect you." He just giggled and said, "Yeah." Sooo cute! And what a great response; powerful and I think confirms what you have been teaching. .. I intend to keep telling my boys that I respect them....because I do.”

Do a Respect Test with your sons! Try this out for yourself and let me know of your son’s response.

As a Mom, you will always tell them you love them, probably several times a day, but as you focus more on expressing your respect you will energize them, soften their spirits, and motivate them to respond to you. After you do this, tell me what happened by emailing me at mothers@loveandrespect.com. I want to provide a new resource to mothers of sons.