He felt like he lived in a pit, troubles beyond count surrounded him, and people wished for his death. Yet, we hear King David in Psalm 40:3 declaring, “you gave me a new song, a song of praise to you. Many will see this, and they will honor and trust you, the LORD God” (CEV). During David's duress the Israelites observed David's authentic relationship with God and then they chose to honor and trust God as well.
Psalm 40:3 impacted my wife Sarah during a life-threatening period. In 2004, a doctor of oncology diagnosed Sarah with breast cancer. After praying and getting the best medical advice, Sarah decided that a double mastectomy and reconstruction would best remedy her cancerous condition. Years later her judgment proved correct. However, at the time she did not know if she would live or die, especially since four years earlier her mother died of cancer 3 weeks after the diagnosis.
Hundreds watched Sarah. She did not shake her fist at God and ask “Why me?” Instead she asked, “Why not me?” Then Sarah did the remarkable. Like King David she thanked and praised God, an all-loving and all-powerful God, in the midst of her cancerous condition.
As a family we observed Sarah as she looked forward to her morning time alone with God, enjoyed listening to her praise music, told others of God's goodness, and evidenced throughout the day an inner peace. Sarah caused all of us to examine our hearts: would we trust, thank, praise, and worship God at death's door? From the cards we received, she inspired many to go deeper in their trust and honor of God.
Based on Psalm 40:3 several questions arise that apply to your marriage.
Will you trust God's goodness in the face of unanswered questions? One person wrote, "I realized that this is where I have to trust God. God is good, God is sovereign, God has a plan." Wow! That's not easy to do when life throws us a curve ball.
Will you thank God in anticipation of Him working things together for good in your life though your spouse remains closed off? A wife shared with me about her husband's drug addiction and the devastation his enslavement brought to the marriage. To encourage her, I shared 1 Peter 3:1,2. She replied, "The Lord had led me to that exact passage in scripture when 'I' made my decision not to divorce...It has given me peace, as well as 2 Corinthians 10:5." She then said, "I praise God for a way 'out' of depression and anxiety through His Word to us." Even though her husband did not respond, she praised God for His way out of depression for her.
Will you motivate others, beyond your spouse, to follow God by showing them how to thank and trust God? As one husband gave himself over to God, opening his heart to the Lord in a new and positive way, seeking to love his wife "unto" Christ, spiritual things happened in his children. He wrote, "What you say about my influence on my kids is so true. I have noticed that in trying to show love to my wife, avoiding yelling and anger, and being more encouraging (none of this perfectly though), my kids have responded. I've had more conversations about God and the Bible with my son (the 12 yr old) which is an incredible blessing..."
Friend, your son can place his confidence in God while watching you reverence God and love your wife. Your sister can come back to faith as she observes you praise God while experiencing a demotion, loss of pay, and a rocky marriage. Your wife can open her heart to the Lord as she sees the peace you have with God and feels your loving treatment of her.
As a final thought, let Sarah's words inspire you as they have me. "As I faced my cancer diagnosis, I realized I am here on this earth to represent Christ. This was a chance of a lifetime. Would my life reflect him during this time of suffering or would I be no different from the world in my response? Since I claimed to know Him, would my countenance and my words cause someone to desire him? Would I praise and thank God regardless of the outcome? I felt like God was saying that he wanted those looking on to see his power, his unfailing love, and his faithfulness. I believed that he had been preparing me ‘for such a time as this.’ I felt humbled that He had chosen me to be a spokesperson on his behalf. It was my time to step to the microphone."
You may not have cancer but nonetheless a disease is eating away your marriage. Is God handing you a mic for such a time as this?
Go ahead, I know you can step to the microphone.
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Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
IF ONLY
The enemy killed her husband. As a military man, deployed overseas, doing his duty for his country, he gave the ultimate sacrifice. But after 17 1/2 years of marriage, this woman entered widowhood, another immeasurable sacrifice.
Brokenhearted, she writes to me, telling some of her story. "My husband and I had the sweetest 2 1/2 years of courtship anyone could experience." But she relates that after that they had marital troubles for most of the marriage because they did not understand the truth of Ephesians 5:33. She reports to me that they were ignorant about a husband loving his wife and a wife respecting her husband. "I see how two young tender hearts fell in love and through ignorance, got on the crazy cycle and never could figure out how to get off it. Sometimes it spun so crazy it made us crazy. Sometimes it spun only slowly but none-the-less I think to some degree it was always spinning."
With profound regret she writes, "I would give anything to be able to rewind (the) years and give my husband a new bride with this wisdom. I know this is not possible. I trust my Lord and Savior with my whole life. If He decides to ever send a future husband to me with (His) help, I will work to keep my next marriage on the energizing cycle."
She regretted that she had failed to energize her husband by meeting his need to feel respected for who he was as a human being created in the image of God. She yearned for the chance to hold back a spirit of contempt, realizing no human responded to disrespect. But the enemy took his life and her chance.
"Although it may appear too late, I have asked my husband's forgiveness for my unintentional mistakes of ignorance and forgiven him of his too. I can't convey to you with words how grateful I am for reading your book."
She then says that through the wisdom of the Love and Respect message in the Bible, "God has given me complete healing and peace over my marriage."
What do you feel about regret in marriage?
I feel sorrowful after hearing a spouse bewail in the face of irreversible regrets. For example, a husband drowns and his wife cannot tell him of her deepest and fondest feelings. She avoided that conversation in recent years due to her chronic displeasure over his manly propensities, which now at his death did not deserve her hollow complaints. Mournfully she whispers, "Oh, if only I had one more hour with him."
A wife dies in an automobile accident and the husband dies a thousand times as his regrets stab him through and through. If only he had not been so angry and harsh. If only he had spent more time telling her of his gratitude toward her as a woman, wife and mother. How could he let his self-focus and pettiness block out the wonder of her person? Crying for the first time in years, he castigates himself as the most despicable of humans.
Is there good news in this? Yes, for those of us still married! We can awaken to the power of regret and change course.
A wife writes her husband, "I'm having a hard time writing as there are tears in the way of my vision because... I regret not understanding enough to express these inner thoughts in the past... I've always been aware of the fact that you've 'laid down your life' for us but I didn't understand (your) need or how to express what I knew inside." She acted. She had time! She prevented regret.
A husband pines, "I regret not learning how to be a good husband and to trust God in my marriage earlier." He then depressingly tells me that "it took a divorce" to awaken him to the wonder of his wife. Fortunately, neither had remarried. Like my own father and mother, they came back together. This man did something about his regret. It was not too late to face off with his lack of tender, loving care. He pursued his wife again with his new understanding. Because of his change, she reopened her heart.
A wife and mother confesses, "I have torn down my house with my own tongue. I can see that I have expected my husband to relate to me like another woman would and have been very frustrated and just 'knew' that he was a selfish jerk...However, I feel incredible excitement about knowing the truth and understanding how to do what God wants me to!... My girls are all teenagers and I regret that I have not grasped the truth sooner but by God's grace they will see a change for the rest of my life and I will be open and honest about my wrong doing. I just am so excited about this information..."
How about you? Is there anything happening right now in your marriage that is certain to lead to regret? The Bible teaches, "You don't want to end your life full of regrets" (Proverbs 5:11 MSG).
Friend, do you have the freedom and the opportunity to avoid groaning, "If only"?
Brokenhearted, she writes to me, telling some of her story. "My husband and I had the sweetest 2 1/2 years of courtship anyone could experience." But she relates that after that they had marital troubles for most of the marriage because they did not understand the truth of Ephesians 5:33. She reports to me that they were ignorant about a husband loving his wife and a wife respecting her husband. "I see how two young tender hearts fell in love and through ignorance, got on the crazy cycle and never could figure out how to get off it. Sometimes it spun so crazy it made us crazy. Sometimes it spun only slowly but none-the-less I think to some degree it was always spinning."
With profound regret she writes, "I would give anything to be able to rewind (the) years and give my husband a new bride with this wisdom. I know this is not possible. I trust my Lord and Savior with my whole life. If He decides to ever send a future husband to me with (His) help, I will work to keep my next marriage on the energizing cycle."
She regretted that she had failed to energize her husband by meeting his need to feel respected for who he was as a human being created in the image of God. She yearned for the chance to hold back a spirit of contempt, realizing no human responded to disrespect. But the enemy took his life and her chance.
"Although it may appear too late, I have asked my husband's forgiveness for my unintentional mistakes of ignorance and forgiven him of his too. I can't convey to you with words how grateful I am for reading your book."
She then says that through the wisdom of the Love and Respect message in the Bible, "God has given me complete healing and peace over my marriage."
What do you feel about regret in marriage?
I feel sorrowful after hearing a spouse bewail in the face of irreversible regrets. For example, a husband drowns and his wife cannot tell him of her deepest and fondest feelings. She avoided that conversation in recent years due to her chronic displeasure over his manly propensities, which now at his death did not deserve her hollow complaints. Mournfully she whispers, "Oh, if only I had one more hour with him."
A wife dies in an automobile accident and the husband dies a thousand times as his regrets stab him through and through. If only he had not been so angry and harsh. If only he had spent more time telling her of his gratitude toward her as a woman, wife and mother. How could he let his self-focus and pettiness block out the wonder of her person? Crying for the first time in years, he castigates himself as the most despicable of humans.
Is there good news in this? Yes, for those of us still married! We can awaken to the power of regret and change course.
A wife writes her husband, "I'm having a hard time writing as there are tears in the way of my vision because... I regret not understanding enough to express these inner thoughts in the past... I've always been aware of the fact that you've 'laid down your life' for us but I didn't understand (your) need or how to express what I knew inside." She acted. She had time! She prevented regret.
A husband pines, "I regret not learning how to be a good husband and to trust God in my marriage earlier." He then depressingly tells me that "it took a divorce" to awaken him to the wonder of his wife. Fortunately, neither had remarried. Like my own father and mother, they came back together. This man did something about his regret. It was not too late to face off with his lack of tender, loving care. He pursued his wife again with his new understanding. Because of his change, she reopened her heart.
A wife and mother confesses, "I have torn down my house with my own tongue. I can see that I have expected my husband to relate to me like another woman would and have been very frustrated and just 'knew' that he was a selfish jerk...However, I feel incredible excitement about knowing the truth and understanding how to do what God wants me to!... My girls are all teenagers and I regret that I have not grasped the truth sooner but by God's grace they will see a change for the rest of my life and I will be open and honest about my wrong doing. I just am so excited about this information..."
How about you? Is there anything happening right now in your marriage that is certain to lead to regret? The Bible teaches, "You don't want to end your life full of regrets" (Proverbs 5:11 MSG).
Friend, do you have the freedom and the opportunity to avoid groaning, "If only"?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
A Poem on Mother's Day 2009
A good friend of mine, Scott Walchek, wrote this poem on Mother's Day. I loved it! I hope you do too. He captured my feelings about my mom.
A Mother’s Druthers
If you had your druthers,
All of you mothers,
What would you rather be?
A princess quite noble?
A corporate “she-mogul”?
Lawyer, professor, MD?
You could walk with world kings!
Dispense wise utt’rings
Your renown piled high as the sky
You could scale tall peaks
And entertain sheiks
Traveling hither and nigh
Of course, on a stage,
Your talents could shine
Acting and singing to fame
They’d stand in ovation!
You’d sweep all the nation!
The papers would herald your name
Oh, how grand it would be
You’d be fancy free!
Just think of the hours you’d sleep.
Free of kids' cries,
Your car with no fries!
And your coif you could perfectly keep
No stretch-marks, no babies
No messes, no “maybes”
Just you and your dreams to come true
Pursuit without strife...
Ah! Such order! Such life!
Is that what you’d rather do?
All these and much more!
Your life could afford.
Independence, finally you’d see!
So, had you your druthers,
All of you mothers,
Is that what you'd rather be?
Be it choice or Design
Your life gave me mine
Our path none could foresee
But I’m grateful, dear mother
‘Cuz-of all of your druthers
My “Mom” is what you chose to be
A Mother’s Druthers
If you had your druthers,
All of you mothers,
What would you rather be?
A princess quite noble?
A corporate “she-mogul”?
Lawyer, professor, MD?
You could walk with world kings!
Dispense wise utt’rings
Your renown piled high as the sky
You could scale tall peaks
And entertain sheiks
Traveling hither and nigh
Of course, on a stage,
Your talents could shine
Acting and singing to fame
They’d stand in ovation!
You’d sweep all the nation!
The papers would herald your name
Oh, how grand it would be
You’d be fancy free!
Just think of the hours you’d sleep.
Free of kids' cries,
Your car with no fries!
And your coif you could perfectly keep
No stretch-marks, no babies
No messes, no “maybes”
Just you and your dreams to come true
Pursuit without strife...
Ah! Such order! Such life!
Is that what you’d rather do?
All these and much more!
Your life could afford.
Independence, finally you’d see!
So, had you your druthers,
All of you mothers,
Is that what you'd rather be?
Be it choice or Design
Your life gave me mine
Our path none could foresee
But I’m grateful, dear mother
‘Cuz-of all of your druthers
My “Mom” is what you chose to be
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Stereotyping?
A woman writes, “Please help. I have a women's study group and we are watching the DVD. I know that Emerson has several times mentioned that the love and respect issues are 'typical' and not all-inclusive to the point of stereotyping. However, I have a friend who can't see past the 'stereotype' issue...all men need respect, not love, and all women need love, not respect, PERIOD.”
WE ALL NEED LOVE AND RESPECT
When I preach the wife needs love and the husband needs respect, based on Ephesians 5:33, I also preach that the wife needs respect and the husband needs love based on 1 Peter 3:7 and Titus 2:4.
In chapter 14 of my Love and Respect book, I address a wife's longing for honor and esteem (the "E" in the acronym COUPLE). I unfold what the Apostle Peter commands about a husband honoring his wife as an equal (1 Peter 3:7). Peter uses the Greek word “time”, pronounced tee-may, for honor. The wife needs honor. In fact, when the husband loves his wife, he'll show her respect.
Though the husband wants respect, he needs love. I explain the husband's need for love in chapter 20 of Love and Respect (the "R" in CHAIRS). The Apostle Paul commands a wife to love (phileo) her husband and children (Titus 2:4). The husband needs love. In fact, when the wife respects her husband he most often feels loved, and this energizes him like few things.
However, because Ephesians 5:33 reveals that a husband must love (agape) his wife and a wife must respect (phobeo) her husband, we must deal with a distinction the Bible is making (agape differs from phileo and phobeo differs from time). I am fully persuaded that God is highlighting something full of significance which can bring us wonderful insight into husband and wife relationships, eliminating a ton of heartache!
HER FELT NEED FOR LOVE AND HIS FELT NEED FOR RESPECT
The wife most often wants to hear, “I love you" from her husband. Look at the card industry. Though the wife needs respect from her husband there is not one card in the whole card industry (to this point) from a husband to a wife that says, "Baby, I really respect you!” This moneymaking card industry discovered that almost all wives want to hear, "Baby, I really love you!" and that despite Aretha Franklin's song, R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
No one denies that a wife needs respect. In fact, she needs respect equal to her need of love, just as a husband does. Both need love and respect equally, like we all need water and food equally. But our research shows that the FELT NEED (as opposed to the true need) of the wife is for love and the FELT NEED of the husband is for respect. Many wives experience hunger pains for love and husbands experience a thirst for respect.
We asked 600 married individuals this question: when you are in a conflict do you feel unloved or disrespected? 79% of the males said they feel disrespected and 73% of the females said they feel unloved.
Don't husbands need love and wives need respect? Yes, especially 21% of the men and 27% of the women. Nevertheless during conflict most males have a FELT NEED for respect and most females have a FELT NEED for love, and this felt need must be understood if you or your spouse is in this camp to reduce misunderstanding and conflict.
Every so often I hear about a wife reading the subtitle of my book, “the love she most desires and the respect he desperately needs," and the wife says out loud for all to hear, "This author is pathetic. I need respect!" She puts the book back on the shelf and looks for something else on marriage, probably something about love.
I want to say to this wife that I am not debating a wife needing respect. I'm simply pointing out that we need to understand how most husbands and wives interpret marital conflict. Furthermore, if a husband keeps disrespecting his wife (i.e. verbally abusing her), she eventually exclaims, "How can you treat me disrespectfully and say that you love me?" Disrespectful treatment feels unloving to her. She questions her husband's love on the heels of disrespectful treatment, "Does he love me as much as I love him?" She lands on love as her deepest FELT NEED, and calls into question his love in a way that a husband does not call into question a wife's love when she treats him disrespectfully. Who has heard a husband exclaim, "How can you treat me disrespectfully and say that you love me?" Most husbands feel disrespected as an end in itself, and this feeling of disrespect devastates him. Typically a husband only feels unloved when his wife says, “I no longer love you.”
GOD ONLY COMMANDS THE HUSBAND TO AGAPE-LOVE IN THE MARRIAGE
Besides the research, we find an answer in the Greek language of the Bible. Only the husband is commanded to agape-love his wife. God does not command a wife to agape-love her husband. (Agape-love is the unconditional or godlike love). On the face of it, God designed the nature of the wife to love more naturally at the level of intimacy. Within her nature -- generally speaking -- is a greater desire to nurture. Mothering is a case in point. Watching a mother with her infant reveals something incredibly unique about the nature of a woman. She possesses a nature to nurture. That does not mean all fathers are less nurturing than all mothers but that most fathers are less nurturing than most mothers. God designed the nature of a mother to nurture and that spills over into her role as the wife. God designed her nature to love her husband. This is why God does not command her to agape-love her husband. God won't command her to do what he created her to do.
On the other hand, God commands the husband to love his wife with agape-love. Apparently, a husband does not love as naturally as his wife loves naturally which explains God's command. The husband is under divine imperative. In the command to love his wife, God reveals to a husband that he must work harder at agape-love than his wife must work at agape-love. For example, most husbands over the years of the marriage are less sentimental in their nature. Therefore, most husbands must remind themselves about romantic expressions, to value their wives' sensitive nature, and to talk more openly about feelings of love.
Because of the way God has designed men and women on this point, we observe during marital conflict most husbands feeling assured of their wives' love, whereas most wives feel less assured of their husband's love. That is not always the case because there are men who have chosen to love and wives who have closed off from showing any love to their husbands. However, in most instances when there are habitual "fights" few men doubt the love of their wives while many wives ask, "If you loved me why would you fight with me the way you do?"
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Why, if a husband knows that his wife loves him, does he negatively react during marital conflict? He does not think that she likes and respects him. His wife reinforces his thinking when she says, "I love you but don't respect you right now." Many wives have told me that they find it difficult to feel and show respect for their husbands whereas they find it easier to feel and show love. Again, that is not true for all wives since some husbands have wounded their wives and these women no longer want to love their husbands, or are in love with someone else.
One of the reasons the wife feels less respect for her husband is that she feels he is less loving (agape-love) than she is. And she is correct in that assessment since he loves less naturally than she loves and tends to fail her expectations for agape-love in the marriage. When he fails, her respect for him lessens and she feels the liberty to say honestly, "I don't feel respect for you right now." The culture of intimacy, mostly driven by women, justifies her statement about not feeling any respect for him. Of course, he retorts, "I don't deserve this disrespect. Everybody respects me but you." Over time he thirsts for her respect. Seldom during a heated exchange does he say, "You don't love me." He knows she loves him. If he told her that she did not love him this would be an affront to her nature - unless she had stopped loving him.
Let me add that because a husband loves less naturally, a wife recognizes areas that he needs to change. She cares for him and wants to help him. In time, she points out areas that he needs to change. After all, if he changed into a more loving person, the marriage would improve because she would love on him even more. However, as the months and years pass he still seems to love less naturally than she loves naturally. Her critiques turn into criticisms. He does not seem to be responding so she increases the intensity of her complaint. Eventually, her regular criticism and complaints pulsate in his veins as contempt for who he is. He thinks that she does not accept him, approve of him, or respect him as a human being.
This explains why God commands a wife to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33, 1 Peter 3:2). The command protects her from a naive mistake of allowing herself to speak innocently and act disrespectfully. In her attempt to help her husband act more lovingly or stop his unacceptable behaviors, she must guard against appearing disrespectful; otherwise her husband will not hear her deepest heart. He won't hear her message of, "I love you and want you to be more loving so that I can love you even more and the two of us can be happy!" Instead he hears, "I don't respect you because you are less loving than you ought to be. You have issues and are creating issues for us."
TIT FOR TAT
Let me insert, when a wife continually treats her husband disrespectfully, a husband can reciprocate with disrespect. He thinks to himself, "I don't deserve this disrespect. I'll show her by treating her disrespectfully to give her a taste of her own medicine." At this point, I can receive an e-mail from this wife telling me that her husband treats her disrespectfully and they have reversed roles from what I teach. Sadly, she sees his disrespect not her own. If she does see her disrespect she justifies it as an expression of her hurt. As for his disrespect, she tells me that he is trying to hurt her, and he is mean. Again, the exception here is that husband who has serious personal issues. For example, my dad attempted to strangle my mother. Dad had a problem with rage. He neither showed love or respect for my mother for many years. Because of this, I do not hold wives like my mom responsible for the threatening problems. My dad mistreated my mom. Mom stepped on dad’s toes but she never endangered dad. What I am objecting to are those wives who label their husbands like my dad when these men are not like my dad. Early in my counseling, when women talked to me about their abusive husbands, I immediately concluded these women suffered like my mom suffered. I soon discovered that these wives were not like my mom and these husbands were not like my dad. These wives overstated the negative about their husbands and understated the negative in themselves.
LOVING IS LIKING
In Titus 2:4 where the wives and mothers receive the command to love their husbands and children, the Greek word is phileo, stressing to love in the sense of to like, to treat kindly, or to be friendly. For example, no mother ceases to agape-love her children but she does get mad at them. Ask a child, “Does your mother love you?" A child will say, "Yes." Ask a child, "Does your mother like you right now?" A child is apt to say, "No, I've been bad." The same idea holds true for the husband. Husbands know that their wives love them but do not always believe their wives like them.
Here's another point. Why does God command a wife to respect in a way that he does not command a husband to respect? Evidently, she respects less naturally than her husband. In other words, God does not command a husband to respect with the same Greek word (phobeo) because God designed him to live more naturally by an honor code. It is within his nature to conduct himself respectfully -- at least that's true for most men. However for most wives respecting is less than natural toward a husband for the reasons we've stated. Interestingly, whereas she loves naturally, she disrespects naturally! This truth comes home loud and clear when a wife asks me to define the word respect. I reply by asking, "Well, let me answer that by asking you a question. Do you know what disrespect is toward your husband?" Every wife says, "Oh, yeah, I have that down." I then tell her to lessen her disrespect and he'll feel respected by her new efforts!
EPHESIANS 5:33 ECHOES THE EXPERIENCE OF MOST
When we put all that together, Ephesians 5:33 makes a whole lot of sense! At the end of the day, in most marriages, a husband has a felt need for respect. For two reasons: He is assured of her love due to her nature to agape-love in marriage and because she naturally shows disrespect when feeling unloved. On the other hand, she has a felt need for love. For two reasons: she is not as assured of her husband's love since he does not love as naturally as she loves and because he is naturally unloving when feeling disrespected.
No one denies that we need love and respect equally but based on Ephesians 5:33 wives agape-love more easily than they respect and husbands respect more easily than they agape-love. If we reject this idea because it sounds stereotypical more than likely we will fail to understand what is commonly happening in our marriages during most conflicts.
WE ALL NEED LOVE AND RESPECT
When I preach the wife needs love and the husband needs respect, based on Ephesians 5:33, I also preach that the wife needs respect and the husband needs love based on 1 Peter 3:7 and Titus 2:4.
In chapter 14 of my Love and Respect book, I address a wife's longing for honor and esteem (the "E" in the acronym COUPLE). I unfold what the Apostle Peter commands about a husband honoring his wife as an equal (1 Peter 3:7). Peter uses the Greek word “time”, pronounced tee-may, for honor. The wife needs honor. In fact, when the husband loves his wife, he'll show her respect.
Though the husband wants respect, he needs love. I explain the husband's need for love in chapter 20 of Love and Respect (the "R" in CHAIRS). The Apostle Paul commands a wife to love (phileo) her husband and children (Titus 2:4). The husband needs love. In fact, when the wife respects her husband he most often feels loved, and this energizes him like few things.
However, because Ephesians 5:33 reveals that a husband must love (agape) his wife and a wife must respect (phobeo) her husband, we must deal with a distinction the Bible is making (agape differs from phileo and phobeo differs from time). I am fully persuaded that God is highlighting something full of significance which can bring us wonderful insight into husband and wife relationships, eliminating a ton of heartache!
HER FELT NEED FOR LOVE AND HIS FELT NEED FOR RESPECT
The wife most often wants to hear, “I love you" from her husband. Look at the card industry. Though the wife needs respect from her husband there is not one card in the whole card industry (to this point) from a husband to a wife that says, "Baby, I really respect you!” This moneymaking card industry discovered that almost all wives want to hear, "Baby, I really love you!" and that despite Aretha Franklin's song, R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
No one denies that a wife needs respect. In fact, she needs respect equal to her need of love, just as a husband does. Both need love and respect equally, like we all need water and food equally. But our research shows that the FELT NEED (as opposed to the true need) of the wife is for love and the FELT NEED of the husband is for respect. Many wives experience hunger pains for love and husbands experience a thirst for respect.
We asked 600 married individuals this question: when you are in a conflict do you feel unloved or disrespected? 79% of the males said they feel disrespected and 73% of the females said they feel unloved.
Don't husbands need love and wives need respect? Yes, especially 21% of the men and 27% of the women. Nevertheless during conflict most males have a FELT NEED for respect and most females have a FELT NEED for love, and this felt need must be understood if you or your spouse is in this camp to reduce misunderstanding and conflict.
Every so often I hear about a wife reading the subtitle of my book, “the love she most desires and the respect he desperately needs," and the wife says out loud for all to hear, "This author is pathetic. I need respect!" She puts the book back on the shelf and looks for something else on marriage, probably something about love.
I want to say to this wife that I am not debating a wife needing respect. I'm simply pointing out that we need to understand how most husbands and wives interpret marital conflict. Furthermore, if a husband keeps disrespecting his wife (i.e. verbally abusing her), she eventually exclaims, "How can you treat me disrespectfully and say that you love me?" Disrespectful treatment feels unloving to her. She questions her husband's love on the heels of disrespectful treatment, "Does he love me as much as I love him?" She lands on love as her deepest FELT NEED, and calls into question his love in a way that a husband does not call into question a wife's love when she treats him disrespectfully. Who has heard a husband exclaim, "How can you treat me disrespectfully and say that you love me?" Most husbands feel disrespected as an end in itself, and this feeling of disrespect devastates him. Typically a husband only feels unloved when his wife says, “I no longer love you.”
GOD ONLY COMMANDS THE HUSBAND TO AGAPE-LOVE IN THE MARRIAGE
Besides the research, we find an answer in the Greek language of the Bible. Only the husband is commanded to agape-love his wife. God does not command a wife to agape-love her husband. (Agape-love is the unconditional or godlike love). On the face of it, God designed the nature of the wife to love more naturally at the level of intimacy. Within her nature -- generally speaking -- is a greater desire to nurture. Mothering is a case in point. Watching a mother with her infant reveals something incredibly unique about the nature of a woman. She possesses a nature to nurture. That does not mean all fathers are less nurturing than all mothers but that most fathers are less nurturing than most mothers. God designed the nature of a mother to nurture and that spills over into her role as the wife. God designed her nature to love her husband. This is why God does not command her to agape-love her husband. God won't command her to do what he created her to do.
On the other hand, God commands the husband to love his wife with agape-love. Apparently, a husband does not love as naturally as his wife loves naturally which explains God's command. The husband is under divine imperative. In the command to love his wife, God reveals to a husband that he must work harder at agape-love than his wife must work at agape-love. For example, most husbands over the years of the marriage are less sentimental in their nature. Therefore, most husbands must remind themselves about romantic expressions, to value their wives' sensitive nature, and to talk more openly about feelings of love.
Because of the way God has designed men and women on this point, we observe during marital conflict most husbands feeling assured of their wives' love, whereas most wives feel less assured of their husband's love. That is not always the case because there are men who have chosen to love and wives who have closed off from showing any love to their husbands. However, in most instances when there are habitual "fights" few men doubt the love of their wives while many wives ask, "If you loved me why would you fight with me the way you do?"
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Why, if a husband knows that his wife loves him, does he negatively react during marital conflict? He does not think that she likes and respects him. His wife reinforces his thinking when she says, "I love you but don't respect you right now." Many wives have told me that they find it difficult to feel and show respect for their husbands whereas they find it easier to feel and show love. Again, that is not true for all wives since some husbands have wounded their wives and these women no longer want to love their husbands, or are in love with someone else.
One of the reasons the wife feels less respect for her husband is that she feels he is less loving (agape-love) than she is. And she is correct in that assessment since he loves less naturally than she loves and tends to fail her expectations for agape-love in the marriage. When he fails, her respect for him lessens and she feels the liberty to say honestly, "I don't feel respect for you right now." The culture of intimacy, mostly driven by women, justifies her statement about not feeling any respect for him. Of course, he retorts, "I don't deserve this disrespect. Everybody respects me but you." Over time he thirsts for her respect. Seldom during a heated exchange does he say, "You don't love me." He knows she loves him. If he told her that she did not love him this would be an affront to her nature - unless she had stopped loving him.
Let me add that because a husband loves less naturally, a wife recognizes areas that he needs to change. She cares for him and wants to help him. In time, she points out areas that he needs to change. After all, if he changed into a more loving person, the marriage would improve because she would love on him even more. However, as the months and years pass he still seems to love less naturally than she loves naturally. Her critiques turn into criticisms. He does not seem to be responding so she increases the intensity of her complaint. Eventually, her regular criticism and complaints pulsate in his veins as contempt for who he is. He thinks that she does not accept him, approve of him, or respect him as a human being.
This explains why God commands a wife to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33, 1 Peter 3:2). The command protects her from a naive mistake of allowing herself to speak innocently and act disrespectfully. In her attempt to help her husband act more lovingly or stop his unacceptable behaviors, she must guard against appearing disrespectful; otherwise her husband will not hear her deepest heart. He won't hear her message of, "I love you and want you to be more loving so that I can love you even more and the two of us can be happy!" Instead he hears, "I don't respect you because you are less loving than you ought to be. You have issues and are creating issues for us."
TIT FOR TAT
Let me insert, when a wife continually treats her husband disrespectfully, a husband can reciprocate with disrespect. He thinks to himself, "I don't deserve this disrespect. I'll show her by treating her disrespectfully to give her a taste of her own medicine." At this point, I can receive an e-mail from this wife telling me that her husband treats her disrespectfully and they have reversed roles from what I teach. Sadly, she sees his disrespect not her own. If she does see her disrespect she justifies it as an expression of her hurt. As for his disrespect, she tells me that he is trying to hurt her, and he is mean. Again, the exception here is that husband who has serious personal issues. For example, my dad attempted to strangle my mother. Dad had a problem with rage. He neither showed love or respect for my mother for many years. Because of this, I do not hold wives like my mom responsible for the threatening problems. My dad mistreated my mom. Mom stepped on dad’s toes but she never endangered dad. What I am objecting to are those wives who label their husbands like my dad when these men are not like my dad. Early in my counseling, when women talked to me about their abusive husbands, I immediately concluded these women suffered like my mom suffered. I soon discovered that these wives were not like my mom and these husbands were not like my dad. These wives overstated the negative about their husbands and understated the negative in themselves.
LOVING IS LIKING
In Titus 2:4 where the wives and mothers receive the command to love their husbands and children, the Greek word is phileo, stressing to love in the sense of to like, to treat kindly, or to be friendly. For example, no mother ceases to agape-love her children but she does get mad at them. Ask a child, “Does your mother love you?" A child will say, "Yes." Ask a child, "Does your mother like you right now?" A child is apt to say, "No, I've been bad." The same idea holds true for the husband. Husbands know that their wives love them but do not always believe their wives like them.
Here's another point. Why does God command a wife to respect in a way that he does not command a husband to respect? Evidently, she respects less naturally than her husband. In other words, God does not command a husband to respect with the same Greek word (phobeo) because God designed him to live more naturally by an honor code. It is within his nature to conduct himself respectfully -- at least that's true for most men. However for most wives respecting is less than natural toward a husband for the reasons we've stated. Interestingly, whereas she loves naturally, she disrespects naturally! This truth comes home loud and clear when a wife asks me to define the word respect. I reply by asking, "Well, let me answer that by asking you a question. Do you know what disrespect is toward your husband?" Every wife says, "Oh, yeah, I have that down." I then tell her to lessen her disrespect and he'll feel respected by her new efforts!
EPHESIANS 5:33 ECHOES THE EXPERIENCE OF MOST
When we put all that together, Ephesians 5:33 makes a whole lot of sense! At the end of the day, in most marriages, a husband has a felt need for respect. For two reasons: He is assured of her love due to her nature to agape-love in marriage and because she naturally shows disrespect when feeling unloved. On the other hand, she has a felt need for love. For two reasons: she is not as assured of her husband's love since he does not love as naturally as she loves and because he is naturally unloving when feeling disrespected.
No one denies that we need love and respect equally but based on Ephesians 5:33 wives agape-love more easily than they respect and husbands respect more easily than they agape-love. If we reject this idea because it sounds stereotypical more than likely we will fail to understand what is commonly happening in our marriages during most conflicts.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
HE SHOWED HIS HANDS
Before his freshman year of high school, Davey, a young boy, age 14 went to summer camp for three weeks in northern Michigan, as he did each year since age 8. This time, when he returned home his mother shocked him with the news that his father had left. Davey couldn't believe his ears. He adored his dad. When Davey asked her where he'd gone she honestly could not tell him.
Sadness flooded the boy's soul, and that sadness continued through the fall and winter of the school year. That sadness controlled him. Compounding his woes, the senior elite kids poked fun at him, the football coach dropped him from the squad, and for the first time he started getting bad grades. He had never felt such rejection, like such a loser, and so stupid.
Until this sudden change of events, he lived in a fairytale, so to speak. He didn't know it was a fairytale existence until it was taken from him. He now saw what he had but there was no going back to those days. He felt like he had been forced to take a detour that would never return to the main road. He felt aimless and lost. Yet he remembered the good times which made him feel worse. Davey especially remembered his dad as the assistant coach of his grade school basketball team. He also recalled those days of summer when his dad assisted as the coach of his Little League baseball team. Though his dad could not always be there to assist as a coach because of work, he knew his dad wanted to be there.
He also remembered the evenings and the weekends when his dad was around and they did errands, watched sporting events, and played catch or shot hoops. He remembered their special signal whenever he made a basket, got an A on a school paper, or helped his mom. His dad would show him his hand, pointing his little pinky upwards and then say, "You are number one to me!"
These memories made him cry, no sob, especially at night when he experienced indescribable loneliness, emptiness and fear. He had never experienced such emotions, and worse he never thought he would be a person who experienced such emptiness, loneliness, and fear , and this frightened him all the more. What else awaited him? Would things get worse? He had had no idea what life was like without his dad.
Painfully, as he walked home from school there were times he thought he saw his dad in the yard only to realize it was the neighbor. At basketball practice with the freshman squad sometimes he'd look into the stands and swear he saw his dad sitting there but it was someone else's father. When he awakened in the morning he thought he heard his dad talking to his mom but she had the television set on.
His dad never showed up, and this was not the way life was to be lived, and even a 14-year-old knew that. His life was too bad to be true. He did not expect this. This was not fair. Things were not going well. He wondered if he would make it but he really didn't know what was included in not making it. He lived anxiously.
One evening in March staring at the television set because his mom was watching the news, the silhouette of a soldier with special forces appeared on screen, a soldier sitting in the shadows while someone interviewed him. He was talking in a muffled voice -- muffled from some type of automation to disguise his voice -- but was explaining the successful clandestine patrols behind enemy lines and how they had disrupted terrorist sleeper cells. Toward the end of the report, the interviewer asked, "do you have anything personal to share?" The soldier replied, "yes, I want my son to know I had to leave without telling him where I was going. However, I want my son to also know that I have followed all of his activities. I have been informed. I know of his rejections, I know he feels like a loser, and I know he feels stupid. I know he misses me and has been looking for me in the neighborhood, in the stands, and when he awakens in the morning. I want him to know that in time he will see me."
Davey listened in disbelief. Was this his dad? What he heard couldn’t be a coincidence. Then Davey saw the man extend his right hand out of the shadows into the light. As he showed his hand, he pointed his little pinky upwards.
Davey burst into tears – tears of inexpressible joy - sobbing uncontrollably. That was his father! As he wiped away the tears, his mind raced back over the school year. He realized that during those dark days his father knew of his sadness and difficulties. Though his dad had not been present his dad had been aware. Though he had not seen his dad, his dad had seen him, so to speak. At that moment something changed in Davey's heart. A new confidence surged within him.
Though nothing at school changed to the end of the year, and some things got worse, Davey’s view of circumstances changed. Though he knew his dad would not be sitting in the stands, waiting for him in the yard, or talking to his mother in the morning, he had heard from his father and that was enough. Though the seniors made fun of him and he had to watch football games from the stands, he could endure this little while of time.
Are you experiencing with your Heavenly Father what Davey experienced with his earthly father? Do you feel your Father left? Do you feel God left when you lost your job, when you were told that you could never have a baby, when the man you seriously dated told you it was over, when you were informed that you had testicular cancer, when you lost half of your portfolio, when you could not kick the addiction, or when your spouse left?
In your situation, do you feel separated from God? Have you resigned yourself to your Heavenly Father never showing up because God doesn't show up in a situation like yours? When forced to take a despairing detour, a detour that seems to lead to nowhere, do you believe your Heavenly Father is elsewhere? For some, they no longer look for their Father’s presence. They do not believe he will show up. Their detour goes nowhere.
Or, do you believe God intends to surprise you with his presence and even rescue you?
The disciples encountered a comparable defeat. They had placed their faith in Jesus of Nazareth as the Christ, the son of the living God. But when Pontius Pilate ordered the Roman soldiers to crucify him, the world of the disciples turned upside down. The detour proved to be a dead-end. Thinking Jesus would establish an earthly kingdom, overthrowing the Roman oppressors and ushering in a world where each of the 12 disciples ruled, his execution on the cross destroyed their hopes. Sad, lonely, empty and fearful they despaired. This was not the plan. Things were not to take this kind of a bad turn. God's plan entailed goodness and glory, not confusion and death.
God left them.
How did the disciples come out of this devastating and defeating dead end? “So when it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and when the doors were shut where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood in their midst and *said to them, ‘Peace be with you.’ And when He had said this, He showed them both His hands and His side. The disciples then rejoiced when they saw the Lord” (John 20:19,20).
From out of the shadows, so to speak, the dead Jesus appeared and showed his hands.
As they rejoiced, we can rejoice. Do you? Will you?
Emerson Eggerichs
Sadness flooded the boy's soul, and that sadness continued through the fall and winter of the school year. That sadness controlled him. Compounding his woes, the senior elite kids poked fun at him, the football coach dropped him from the squad, and for the first time he started getting bad grades. He had never felt such rejection, like such a loser, and so stupid.
Until this sudden change of events, he lived in a fairytale, so to speak. He didn't know it was a fairytale existence until it was taken from him. He now saw what he had but there was no going back to those days. He felt like he had been forced to take a detour that would never return to the main road. He felt aimless and lost. Yet he remembered the good times which made him feel worse. Davey especially remembered his dad as the assistant coach of his grade school basketball team. He also recalled those days of summer when his dad assisted as the coach of his Little League baseball team. Though his dad could not always be there to assist as a coach because of work, he knew his dad wanted to be there.
He also remembered the evenings and the weekends when his dad was around and they did errands, watched sporting events, and played catch or shot hoops. He remembered their special signal whenever he made a basket, got an A on a school paper, or helped his mom. His dad would show him his hand, pointing his little pinky upwards and then say, "You are number one to me!"
These memories made him cry, no sob, especially at night when he experienced indescribable loneliness, emptiness and fear. He had never experienced such emotions, and worse he never thought he would be a person who experienced such emptiness, loneliness, and fear , and this frightened him all the more. What else awaited him? Would things get worse? He had had no idea what life was like without his dad.
Painfully, as he walked home from school there were times he thought he saw his dad in the yard only to realize it was the neighbor. At basketball practice with the freshman squad sometimes he'd look into the stands and swear he saw his dad sitting there but it was someone else's father. When he awakened in the morning he thought he heard his dad talking to his mom but she had the television set on.
His dad never showed up, and this was not the way life was to be lived, and even a 14-year-old knew that. His life was too bad to be true. He did not expect this. This was not fair. Things were not going well. He wondered if he would make it but he really didn't know what was included in not making it. He lived anxiously.
One evening in March staring at the television set because his mom was watching the news, the silhouette of a soldier with special forces appeared on screen, a soldier sitting in the shadows while someone interviewed him. He was talking in a muffled voice -- muffled from some type of automation to disguise his voice -- but was explaining the successful clandestine patrols behind enemy lines and how they had disrupted terrorist sleeper cells. Toward the end of the report, the interviewer asked, "do you have anything personal to share?" The soldier replied, "yes, I want my son to know I had to leave without telling him where I was going. However, I want my son to also know that I have followed all of his activities. I have been informed. I know of his rejections, I know he feels like a loser, and I know he feels stupid. I know he misses me and has been looking for me in the neighborhood, in the stands, and when he awakens in the morning. I want him to know that in time he will see me."
Davey listened in disbelief. Was this his dad? What he heard couldn’t be a coincidence. Then Davey saw the man extend his right hand out of the shadows into the light. As he showed his hand, he pointed his little pinky upwards.
Davey burst into tears – tears of inexpressible joy - sobbing uncontrollably. That was his father! As he wiped away the tears, his mind raced back over the school year. He realized that during those dark days his father knew of his sadness and difficulties. Though his dad had not been present his dad had been aware. Though he had not seen his dad, his dad had seen him, so to speak. At that moment something changed in Davey's heart. A new confidence surged within him.
Though nothing at school changed to the end of the year, and some things got worse, Davey’s view of circumstances changed. Though he knew his dad would not be sitting in the stands, waiting for him in the yard, or talking to his mother in the morning, he had heard from his father and that was enough. Though the seniors made fun of him and he had to watch football games from the stands, he could endure this little while of time.
Are you experiencing with your Heavenly Father what Davey experienced with his earthly father? Do you feel your Father left? Do you feel God left when you lost your job, when you were told that you could never have a baby, when the man you seriously dated told you it was over, when you were informed that you had testicular cancer, when you lost half of your portfolio, when you could not kick the addiction, or when your spouse left?
In your situation, do you feel separated from God? Have you resigned yourself to your Heavenly Father never showing up because God doesn't show up in a situation like yours? When forced to take a despairing detour, a detour that seems to lead to nowhere, do you believe your Heavenly Father is elsewhere? For some, they no longer look for their Father’s presence. They do not believe he will show up. Their detour goes nowhere.
Or, do you believe God intends to surprise you with his presence and even rescue you?
The disciples encountered a comparable defeat. They had placed their faith in Jesus of Nazareth as the Christ, the son of the living God. But when Pontius Pilate ordered the Roman soldiers to crucify him, the world of the disciples turned upside down. The detour proved to be a dead-end. Thinking Jesus would establish an earthly kingdom, overthrowing the Roman oppressors and ushering in a world where each of the 12 disciples ruled, his execution on the cross destroyed their hopes. Sad, lonely, empty and fearful they despaired. This was not the plan. Things were not to take this kind of a bad turn. God's plan entailed goodness and glory, not confusion and death.
God left them.
How did the disciples come out of this devastating and defeating dead end? “So when it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and when the doors were shut where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood in their midst and *said to them, ‘Peace be with you.’ And when He had said this, He showed them both His hands and His side. The disciples then rejoiced when they saw the Lord” (John 20:19,20).
From out of the shadows, so to speak, the dead Jesus appeared and showed his hands.
As they rejoiced, we can rejoice. Do you? Will you?
Emerson Eggerichs
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Too Simplistic In Light of Serious Marital Problems?
A critic states, "Love and respect is too simplistic for couples who have more serious problems."
Yes, many couples have serious problems beyond love and respect. However, those serious problems do not justify neglecting love and respect in favor of the alternative: hate and contempt. Not only is hostility and disdain destructive of intimacy, such behavior opposes God's command to love and respect in marriage (Ephesians 5:33).
By way of analogy, a person may have a life-threatening melanoma and needs to undergo radiation and chemotherapy. This person has a grave situation. However, the medical profession does not foolishly say, "Giving this person food and water is too simplistic since food and water do not directly solve this person's problem with a life-threatening cancer." Who is suggesting that food and water alone is the remedy to the melanoma? We all know that food and water do not directly remove the melanoma threat. However, telling the patient that they can ignore eating and drinking UNTIL AFTER they get the life-threatening cancer under control is to kill the patient! Neglecting food and water is not a good idea when healing a patient, nor is neglecting love and respect in healing a marriage.
When two people do not “eat” love and “drink” respect – but vomit hate and contempt – they will kill the marriage quicker than “more serious” problems will. In order for a couple to address and solve addictions, affairs, and abuse they will need to develop a degree of discipline in coming across with a loving and respectful demeanor - the fundamental attitudes necessary for maintaining harmony while solving serious problems.
No one claims that showing love and respect in the midst of overwhelming obstacles is easy, nor is it an absolute shield against threatening conditions. But evidencing the alternatives – hate and contempt - serve as deathblows to the stability, satisfaction and survival of the marriage.
Research also reveals that love and respect are foundational ingredients for a successful marriage. After studying 2000 couples for 20 years, Dr. John Gottman, a professor at the University of Washington, wrote the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He writes, “... most couples I’ve worked with over the years, really wanted just two things from their marriage - love and respect” (p. 18). He says elsewhere, “In our study of long-term marriages we recruited couples from a wide range of backgrounds who had been married twenty to forty years to the same partner. Despite the wide differences in occupations, lifestyles, and the details of their day-to-day lives, I sense a remarkable similarity in the tone of their conversations. No matter what style of marriage they have adopted, their discussions, for the most part, are carried along by a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: love and respect” (p. 61).
Yes, we all need love and respect but are wives particularly sensitive to hostility or the lack of love and husbands particularly sensitive to contempt or the lack of respect? Focusing on gender, Gottman found "... men are far more likely than women to be stonewallers (85%)... men avoid emotional conflicts by going off by themselves… if you ask a male stonewaller to describe his state of mind, he often says, ‘I am trying not to react’… though his wife perceives his silence as an act of hostility… (and)… likely to interpret his response as a rejection of her… she couldn't imagine needing to withdraw over such a minor criticism… (S)uch interactions can produce a vicious cycle, especially in marriages with high levels of conflict. The more wives complain and criticize, the more husbands withdraw and stonewall; the more husbands withdraw and stonewall, the more wives complain and criticize. This cycle must be broken if… marriages are to avoid dissolution… if the wife becomes belligerent and contemptuous, the husband is likely to withdraw even more…" (147 -- 152).
When she feels her husband's hostility and when he feels his wife's contempt, this becomes the most serious of all problems. Let’s illustrate this. A husband and wife are having serious financial difficulties. If through the budgeting process to get out of financial debt, a husband habitually shows hostility and a wife continually shows contempt, they will end up with more serious marriage problems even when the debt is resolved. Who among us grows intimate with someone we think has nothing but hate and contempt for who we are as human beings even though we succeed together at solving a financial crisis? Once we get through the crisis, the relationship ends.
Not only does the word of God command a husband to love and a wife to respect in Ephesians 5:33, research and common sense tell us that love and respect are like food and water. Consequently, if we tell certain couples to hold off on applying love and respect because it is too simplistic in light of their serious problems are we bringing death to the marriage by yanking the life-support? Remember the alternatives!
Yes, many couples have serious problems beyond love and respect. However, those serious problems do not justify neglecting love and respect in favor of the alternative: hate and contempt. Not only is hostility and disdain destructive of intimacy, such behavior opposes God's command to love and respect in marriage (Ephesians 5:33).
By way of analogy, a person may have a life-threatening melanoma and needs to undergo radiation and chemotherapy. This person has a grave situation. However, the medical profession does not foolishly say, "Giving this person food and water is too simplistic since food and water do not directly solve this person's problem with a life-threatening cancer." Who is suggesting that food and water alone is the remedy to the melanoma? We all know that food and water do not directly remove the melanoma threat. However, telling the patient that they can ignore eating and drinking UNTIL AFTER they get the life-threatening cancer under control is to kill the patient! Neglecting food and water is not a good idea when healing a patient, nor is neglecting love and respect in healing a marriage.
When two people do not “eat” love and “drink” respect – but vomit hate and contempt – they will kill the marriage quicker than “more serious” problems will. In order for a couple to address and solve addictions, affairs, and abuse they will need to develop a degree of discipline in coming across with a loving and respectful demeanor - the fundamental attitudes necessary for maintaining harmony while solving serious problems.
No one claims that showing love and respect in the midst of overwhelming obstacles is easy, nor is it an absolute shield against threatening conditions. But evidencing the alternatives – hate and contempt - serve as deathblows to the stability, satisfaction and survival of the marriage.
Research also reveals that love and respect are foundational ingredients for a successful marriage. After studying 2000 couples for 20 years, Dr. John Gottman, a professor at the University of Washington, wrote the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He writes, “... most couples I’ve worked with over the years, really wanted just two things from their marriage - love and respect” (p. 18). He says elsewhere, “In our study of long-term marriages we recruited couples from a wide range of backgrounds who had been married twenty to forty years to the same partner. Despite the wide differences in occupations, lifestyles, and the details of their day-to-day lives, I sense a remarkable similarity in the tone of their conversations. No matter what style of marriage they have adopted, their discussions, for the most part, are carried along by a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: love and respect” (p. 61).
Yes, we all need love and respect but are wives particularly sensitive to hostility or the lack of love and husbands particularly sensitive to contempt or the lack of respect? Focusing on gender, Gottman found "... men are far more likely than women to be stonewallers (85%)... men avoid emotional conflicts by going off by themselves… if you ask a male stonewaller to describe his state of mind, he often says, ‘I am trying not to react’… though his wife perceives his silence as an act of hostility… (and)… likely to interpret his response as a rejection of her… she couldn't imagine needing to withdraw over such a minor criticism… (S)uch interactions can produce a vicious cycle, especially in marriages with high levels of conflict. The more wives complain and criticize, the more husbands withdraw and stonewall; the more husbands withdraw and stonewall, the more wives complain and criticize. This cycle must be broken if… marriages are to avoid dissolution… if the wife becomes belligerent and contemptuous, the husband is likely to withdraw even more…" (147 -- 152).
When she feels her husband's hostility and when he feels his wife's contempt, this becomes the most serious of all problems. Let’s illustrate this. A husband and wife are having serious financial difficulties. If through the budgeting process to get out of financial debt, a husband habitually shows hostility and a wife continually shows contempt, they will end up with more serious marriage problems even when the debt is resolved. Who among us grows intimate with someone we think has nothing but hate and contempt for who we are as human beings even though we succeed together at solving a financial crisis? Once we get through the crisis, the relationship ends.
Not only does the word of God command a husband to love and a wife to respect in Ephesians 5:33, research and common sense tell us that love and respect are like food and water. Consequently, if we tell certain couples to hold off on applying love and respect because it is too simplistic in light of their serious problems are we bringing death to the marriage by yanking the life-support? Remember the alternatives!
Monday, March 9, 2009
WHO IS THE PRIMARY PROVIDER?
My dad lost his job in his early 50’s. His employer, a railroad company, went against union contract by closing down the terminal and dad found himself unemployed. At that juncture my mom provided the primary income. That arrangement strained the marriage not because mom earned more but because dad felt disrespected when mom would unthinkingly comment about having to earn the money, or she’d spend money independently of dad’s knowledge. And mom felt unloved when dad did not express appreciation for all her work or would explode in anger when she appeared too independent.
Interestingly, mom and dad erroneously thought the reversal of the traditional role of man-as-primary-provider caused the marital conflict. No, a failure to apply Love and Respect (Ephesians 5:33) in the face of that reversed traditional role triggered the arguments. A bedridden husband can love his working wife and a working wife can respect her bedridden husband, and the two of them can experience deep marital satisfaction. What ignites marital tension is when a husband feels disrespected for earning less and a wife feels unloved for earning more.
Listen to this wife who missed her husband’s need to feel respected while she generated the primary income.
"I realize that... the real issue with where it started to collapse was in my lack of respect for him. I never imagined that's what I was doing, because if you asked me, I had great regard for my husband. However, we had a paradigm shift that occurred that left me the bread winner and him the stay at home dad... From the worldly perspective it made perfect sense. I was bringing home $300-$400K/yr and he was bringing home $20-$25… He quit to take care of our daughter and the rental properties and only did it out of love, not because he was thrilled about maintaining properties.
"Of all the material I read and put into practice… has had nill effect and now I understand why. All this time my husband has been crying out for respect and didn't know how to articulate it and even if he did, I'm not sure I could have heard it or interpreted it before now. You've laid it out all so plainly, that I now realize it is the one ingredient I have been missing all along. The funny part is, no one would have ever guessed this about me including myself. You see, I have known the women you quote in your book and their tone and words offend even me. I have never been that woman and never will be. However, my husband and I have a little twist to our male/female dynamic that your book has just made me realize. He is a little bit more emotional and used to wear his heart on his sleeve to me and I am far less emotional and needy than most women, so some of our key characteristics have been hidden even more deeply because of those personality quirks. I didn't understand his need to provide and feel worth from his job as men obviously do (obvious now). I could never relate or even hear what he was saying because my job is what I do, not who I am and I honestly have no real pride because of it. It's a gift and talent and a way to provide for my family and that's where we got so much wrong.
"I've seen so many people in the same predicament that now I feel I can waive the safety flag and get them off the dead end road of marriage failure. I am not a feminist, I am a realist. I am a Christian, but I didn't understand love vs. respect. I somehow felt they were the same. I couldn't win my husband's attention/affection back because I was trying to show more 'love' to him, never understanding much less grasping the fact that it was 'respect' he needed all along.
"... Through all of it, I have asked God to let me see my husband the way He sees him and to keep me from all feelings of hate and bitterness. This has been the hardest time of my life and on top of that this has caused near financial and physical ruin, however, I have thanked God for bringing me to this humble place and beginning to do surgery on me to carve out all of the issues that I have and never had the wisdom to see - and I'm a pretty darn smart cookie if I do say so myself! :) However, I have been so out of balance in the weights of God's world, it isn't even funny how blinding it's been. I have prayed, cried, begged and pleaded with God to restore my family and stop this pain… I have had nothing but hate from my husband and evilness since the discovery/admission of (his) affair... until I applied the Respect Test… but honestly… it took me a whole day to really find something genuine that I could actually use the word respect for and him not see right through me if it wasn't genuine. I sent it via text yesterday and he actually engaged me with paragraphs via text. Now I know that sounds so trivial to anyone reading this, but I have been in a living hell... and that was HUGE in my book. Then this morning I sent another one, not saying the actual word respect but just showing concern for him. He was busy, so he actually said 'I'm sorry, it's got nothing to do with you, I'm just annoyed and irritated.' My husband in 14 years has only said I'm sorry a handful of times and... he exclaimed he 'wasn't sorry' for what he had done. Now I know this is a far cry from reconciliation, but it really gave peace to my soul. It's made me realize where I went so wrong and I feel so 'un-burdened' in trying to figure out what really happened to us as everyone saw how in love we were for 12 of 14 years. It's been an extremely hard fall from grace, but now I feel like I am empowered through Christ to never make the same mistakes again. It gives me such hope...
"I am still in love with my husband and know that hurt people, hurt people. He may never be able to reconcile with himself, God or me, but I now see and know that by doing my part that God has called me to do regardless of him, I am already experiencing an eternal kind of feeling of peace and am hopeful for what God is gonna do either in my marriage or on me..."
Though I condemn this man’s adultery, I understand his vulnerability. When a husband feels that his wife does not respect him for his desire to provide, as part of his self-identity, he longs for someone to recognize, accept and affirm that dimension within him. He becomes vulnerable to the advances of a woman who offers the respect he craves. By way of analogy, when a wife feels that her husband does not want to be close to her, open with her, and empathize with her, I understand her vulnerability to the advances of a man who offers these things in a loving manner.
Why did this wife miss her husband’s heart? With this wife, as with most wives, her self-image did not rest on her employment. She defined herself in terms of her own person, marriage and children, even with an impressive career. Not all women are like her but most that I have met are like her. Consequently, when she sounded off or whispered to her husband about this role reversal concerning income, however innocent and infrequent her comments, her words dropped like an atomic bomb on her husband. This is comparable to a husband making innocent complaints about his wife’s neglect of the children because of her career thereby flattening her emotional landscape, especially when she observes her sad children run to daddy for comfort, or when they come into the home giggling and report to daddy why they are laughing. It doesn’t take much to verbally kick a person in the core of their being.
Remember, God created Adam in Paradise to cultivate and maintain the Garden, and this before God created Eve. In other words, God designed Adam to work. Most husbands define themselves in terms of their employment. When two men meet for the first time they ask, "What do you do?" Though a husband’s identity should not solely rest on his work anymore than a mother should define herself in terms of the children, a husband leans in that direction as does a mother. Let’s extend grace and mercy.
As a wife, whether you like it or not, your husband feels a compulsion to be the primary provider just as most mothers feel a compulsion to be the primary nurturer of the children. Neither are wrong, just different. When a man feels like he is failing as the principal breadwinner, he will appear thin-skinned when feeling denigrated and disrespected as a male provider. Telling him to grow up or dismissing his sentiments equals a husband telling his wife to stop feeling inadequate as a mother and to stop her crying. How easy to judge people in areas where we have less struggle!
As a husband, do not interpret your wife's complaints about the role reversal as a disrespectful message against you. If you withdraw from your wife or angrily attack her during her ventilation about the role reversal, she will feel unloved. You will get on the Crazy Cycle! Though you are struggling because you feel inadequate and disrespected as a provider, stand tall during this time of testing. Don’t become unloving. Also, do not allow your vulnerability during this season to turn your heart toward a woman who wants to build you up and convey to you that she respects you.
Here’s the good news: if you both practice respect and love during this traditional role reversal, you can have a satisfying marriage. That’s the deepest issue – love and respect - and my mom and dad missed that for too many years.
Interestingly, mom and dad erroneously thought the reversal of the traditional role of man-as-primary-provider caused the marital conflict. No, a failure to apply Love and Respect (Ephesians 5:33) in the face of that reversed traditional role triggered the arguments. A bedridden husband can love his working wife and a working wife can respect her bedridden husband, and the two of them can experience deep marital satisfaction. What ignites marital tension is when a husband feels disrespected for earning less and a wife feels unloved for earning more.
Listen to this wife who missed her husband’s need to feel respected while she generated the primary income.
"I realize that... the real issue with where it started to collapse was in my lack of respect for him. I never imagined that's what I was doing, because if you asked me, I had great regard for my husband. However, we had a paradigm shift that occurred that left me the bread winner and him the stay at home dad... From the worldly perspective it made perfect sense. I was bringing home $300-$400K/yr and he was bringing home $20-$25… He quit to take care of our daughter and the rental properties and only did it out of love, not because he was thrilled about maintaining properties.
"Of all the material I read and put into practice… has had nill effect and now I understand why. All this time my husband has been crying out for respect and didn't know how to articulate it and even if he did, I'm not sure I could have heard it or interpreted it before now. You've laid it out all so plainly, that I now realize it is the one ingredient I have been missing all along. The funny part is, no one would have ever guessed this about me including myself. You see, I have known the women you quote in your book and their tone and words offend even me. I have never been that woman and never will be. However, my husband and I have a little twist to our male/female dynamic that your book has just made me realize. He is a little bit more emotional and used to wear his heart on his sleeve to me and I am far less emotional and needy than most women, so some of our key characteristics have been hidden even more deeply because of those personality quirks. I didn't understand his need to provide and feel worth from his job as men obviously do (obvious now). I could never relate or even hear what he was saying because my job is what I do, not who I am and I honestly have no real pride because of it. It's a gift and talent and a way to provide for my family and that's where we got so much wrong.
"I've seen so many people in the same predicament that now I feel I can waive the safety flag and get them off the dead end road of marriage failure. I am not a feminist, I am a realist. I am a Christian, but I didn't understand love vs. respect. I somehow felt they were the same. I couldn't win my husband's attention/affection back because I was trying to show more 'love' to him, never understanding much less grasping the fact that it was 'respect' he needed all along.
"... Through all of it, I have asked God to let me see my husband the way He sees him and to keep me from all feelings of hate and bitterness. This has been the hardest time of my life and on top of that this has caused near financial and physical ruin, however, I have thanked God for bringing me to this humble place and beginning to do surgery on me to carve out all of the issues that I have and never had the wisdom to see - and I'm a pretty darn smart cookie if I do say so myself! :) However, I have been so out of balance in the weights of God's world, it isn't even funny how blinding it's been. I have prayed, cried, begged and pleaded with God to restore my family and stop this pain… I have had nothing but hate from my husband and evilness since the discovery/admission of (his) affair... until I applied the Respect Test… but honestly… it took me a whole day to really find something genuine that I could actually use the word respect for and him not see right through me if it wasn't genuine. I sent it via text yesterday and he actually engaged me with paragraphs via text. Now I know that sounds so trivial to anyone reading this, but I have been in a living hell... and that was HUGE in my book. Then this morning I sent another one, not saying the actual word respect but just showing concern for him. He was busy, so he actually said 'I'm sorry, it's got nothing to do with you, I'm just annoyed and irritated.' My husband in 14 years has only said I'm sorry a handful of times and... he exclaimed he 'wasn't sorry' for what he had done. Now I know this is a far cry from reconciliation, but it really gave peace to my soul. It's made me realize where I went so wrong and I feel so 'un-burdened' in trying to figure out what really happened to us as everyone saw how in love we were for 12 of 14 years. It's been an extremely hard fall from grace, but now I feel like I am empowered through Christ to never make the same mistakes again. It gives me such hope...
"I am still in love with my husband and know that hurt people, hurt people. He may never be able to reconcile with himself, God or me, but I now see and know that by doing my part that God has called me to do regardless of him, I am already experiencing an eternal kind of feeling of peace and am hopeful for what God is gonna do either in my marriage or on me..."
Though I condemn this man’s adultery, I understand his vulnerability. When a husband feels that his wife does not respect him for his desire to provide, as part of his self-identity, he longs for someone to recognize, accept and affirm that dimension within him. He becomes vulnerable to the advances of a woman who offers the respect he craves. By way of analogy, when a wife feels that her husband does not want to be close to her, open with her, and empathize with her, I understand her vulnerability to the advances of a man who offers these things in a loving manner.
Why did this wife miss her husband’s heart? With this wife, as with most wives, her self-image did not rest on her employment. She defined herself in terms of her own person, marriage and children, even with an impressive career. Not all women are like her but most that I have met are like her. Consequently, when she sounded off or whispered to her husband about this role reversal concerning income, however innocent and infrequent her comments, her words dropped like an atomic bomb on her husband. This is comparable to a husband making innocent complaints about his wife’s neglect of the children because of her career thereby flattening her emotional landscape, especially when she observes her sad children run to daddy for comfort, or when they come into the home giggling and report to daddy why they are laughing. It doesn’t take much to verbally kick a person in the core of their being.
Remember, God created Adam in Paradise to cultivate and maintain the Garden, and this before God created Eve. In other words, God designed Adam to work. Most husbands define themselves in terms of their employment. When two men meet for the first time they ask, "What do you do?" Though a husband’s identity should not solely rest on his work anymore than a mother should define herself in terms of the children, a husband leans in that direction as does a mother. Let’s extend grace and mercy.
As a wife, whether you like it or not, your husband feels a compulsion to be the primary provider just as most mothers feel a compulsion to be the primary nurturer of the children. Neither are wrong, just different. When a man feels like he is failing as the principal breadwinner, he will appear thin-skinned when feeling denigrated and disrespected as a male provider. Telling him to grow up or dismissing his sentiments equals a husband telling his wife to stop feeling inadequate as a mother and to stop her crying. How easy to judge people in areas where we have less struggle!
As a husband, do not interpret your wife's complaints about the role reversal as a disrespectful message against you. If you withdraw from your wife or angrily attack her during her ventilation about the role reversal, she will feel unloved. You will get on the Crazy Cycle! Though you are struggling because you feel inadequate and disrespected as a provider, stand tall during this time of testing. Don’t become unloving. Also, do not allow your vulnerability during this season to turn your heart toward a woman who wants to build you up and convey to you that she respects you.
Here’s the good news: if you both practice respect and love during this traditional role reversal, you can have a satisfying marriage. That’s the deepest issue – love and respect - and my mom and dad missed that for too many years.
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