When I Don’t Feel Like It

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A Testimony from Kim…

When I am feeling lonely, discouraged, frustrated, and disrespected in my marriage, and totally unloved by my husband (of twenty five years), I focus on God's command to respect him ANYWAY. I focus on the truth that my respect will bless my husband ....regardless of whether or not he responds with the love I need from him. I remind myself that I am to respect him in every sense of the word…I know that God is blessed by my obedience. I know that He smiles and blesses me when I trust Him with my heart and feelings. In those moments, I know that my reward will be in heaven.

While storing up treasures in heaven feels great, that is NOT what keeps me going! I do not use respectful behavior as a sort of "works" to win brownie points with God. Not on my life!

When I trust God to protect my heart and fill my love tank in the face of disrespect, when I step out in faith and positively apply respect when I don't feel like it or don’t feel my husband deserves it, when I obey my Father's command to respect, I feel peace and love. A sort of warm little hug of encouragement to hang in there from my heavenly husband. That is what keeps me focused on the Rewarded Cycle! And those little God-hugs remind me to dwell on the times my good-willed husband has responded to my respectful behavior in amazing, incredibly loving, God inspired ways. (Kim)

Taken from the Respectfully Yours DVD study

What Am I Worth?

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A testimony from Jacki…

For many years my husband and I would get caught up in the Crazy Cycle. Of course we didn't realize it at all and both just assumed that this was married life. I mean, marriage is hard right? Happily ever after is only a fairy tale. When it comes to marriage we do the best we can, and try to make the best out of the results.

This approach didn't feel right, but I knew no better. I knew that I had to submit to my husband, but after some time I began feeling like my opinions and feelings didn't matter. All my submitting, attempts at gentleness, all my words of love were not getting me anywhere. I was getting to where I flat out didn’t like my husband very much. AND, I thought that was ok. I didn't have to like him or even love him to be married; I just had to make the day to day work. My husband lived in a dream world where he didn't have a clue to my feelings. If you asked him, everything was hunky dory. I was absorbing everything myself, and slowly dying inside.

Then I realized that I had within me the ability and power to more actively engage and fight for my marriage. Through Love and Respect (specifically the women’s study) I realized that God did not want me to have a mediocre marriage. That he wanted my husband and I to be passionate about each other, and also that He has given me, ME the power and ability to proactively do things that specifically speak to my husband’s heart to help him see mine. I realized that it didn't matter what world my husband lived in, nor how he responded to me, that would determine my actions in my marriage. My actions would be determined by the Word of God and who I am in Him. Once I learned to put my identity in Christ, not in my husband, I was truly able to give my husband what he really needed... unconditional respect.

Thank you so much for your faithfulness that made this story true. (Jacki)

Taken from the Respectfully Yours DVD study

A Note to the Women from Sarah…

As a Pastor’s wife for nearly 20 years, I have a real heart for all the women out there who are working hard to “do it all.” I know women are strong and can handle a lot. But I also know we become burdened by all that isn’t perfect in our relationships: with our husbands, our children, or – for those who aren’t yet married - your boyfriends.

As a child of divorce, I wanted nothing more than to have a happy intact family. But it’s not so easy as wanting it…it takes a lot of work. As a young wife and mother of 3, I needed lots of support to stay on course with doing marriage God’s way…and I’ll bet you do too.

That’s why I was so excited to participate in Love and Respect’s first women’s DVD study, titled “Respectfully Yours.” Since we launched this 8 week study last fall, we have been blown away by the feedback that has been pouring in! This isn’t a magic formula, and it’s not a way to manipulate your man to do what you want. It’s a challenge to all of us to focus on whether we believe God is good…and if He is, can we trust Him to know what’s best for our marriage?

In the next few weeks we’ll be sharing testimonies from women who have put this to the test. Let’s start by hearing from a woman who decided to facilitate Respectfully Yours in her church. Here’s what happened:

I just finished facilitating your new Respectfully Yours class at my church and I couldn't wait to tell you how fantastic it is...I was very excited when this new study came out, and I have to say it went beyond any expectations I had!

Last night was our last session and one gal came in beaming to show off her engagement ring. (There were five single gals who came.) Another woman who had previously shared a struggle in getting her husband to help with meal preparation, shared that a day after she told him the things she respected about him, he came out to the kitchen and asked if he could help her cut tomatoes! Another one shared how the second week of the study, she and her husband were at the end of their ropes, ready to end it due to a huge battle regarding an ongoing issue but by the 8th session have renewed their relationship and come to an agreement on the issue. Another said "our communication is great, I am making sure to do more shoulder to shoulder activities with him. I can't explain it but I feel love radiating from him."

Even those who are struggling with desperate situations are re-committed to not quitting and doing what they can to restore their marriages and to be obedient to God in order to hear that “well done.” Here's what one of them said: "I have more peace now than I ever had, even amidst the chaos and uncertainty in my life and marriage." Many noted how the class deepened their faith, as well as improving communication with their man.

All of the ladies noted how much they learned about themselves, about being obedient to God's commands and knowing who we are in Christ - strong, dignified daughters of the king. This course does a great job of focusing on ourselves rather than our husbands.

I can't find the right words to express the excitement and energy in the room where we were meeting - no one would leave! Anyway, loved, loved this study - thank you so much for your ministry and for all the lives God has touched and will touch through you.

In Him,

~DG

Ladies, I would love to have you discover the secret to power and influence in your marriage. You can watch a free video trailer here and learn more at loveandrespect.com/respectfully-yours.

Respectfully Yours,
~Sarah Eggerichs

FAQ: WE HAVE A BLENDED FAMILY

Question:  My husband and I have a blended family with a total of 4 children, ranging in ages from 10-19.  Prior to our marriage 2 years ago, everyone got along pretty well, but lately my teenagers have given us some trouble.  My husband has not dealt with teenagers before and he finds them very disrespectful.  I see him withdrawing more and more from them and even worse, from me.  I have read your book, Love & Respect, and I agree with the principles.  How can I apply it in this situation?

 

Answer:  When a couple marries and has children, parenting problems are inevitable as we all have different ideas and backgrounds from which we parent.  But in the blended family, it becomes even more complicated and emotional.  Of utmost importance is that the two of you decide on your parenting plan and the boundaries around who does what.  You must present a united front to your children or they will take advantage of any weak link they can find.

As for applying Love and Respect to your situation, the principle is the same:  your husband’s deepest need is for respect, and when he feels disrespected he will tend to act in unloving ways, in this case by withdrawing.  Your respect for him is all the more important, but beyond that, there is the issue of your children’s disrespect.  This is an opportunity for you to teach your children this principle. 

 

Because they are teenagers does not let them off the hook!  Yes, it is “typical” for adolescents to resist parental involvement, but these years give us many teachable moments.  Respect for their stepfather is something you can teach them and insist upon, even if they do not agree with him.  For example, there is a respectful way to disagree with someone in authority and you can effectively teach and model this to your children.  This is a lesson they need as they navigate life. 

 

Beyond that, be aware of the common pitfalls amongst blended parents – and I am speaking to all step-parents here, male and female.  Do you consistently put your children’s needs above your spouse’s?  Do you support your wife or husband when your children are disrespectful or do they “get by” with being disrespectful to your spouse?  Above all, don’t pit your children against your spouse! Some of this can be quite subtle, yet devastating.

 

Finally, it is not unusual for disillusionment to set in when the reality of raising a blended family hits. Be sure to plan time alone together so that you can develop your relationship as husband and wife, not just parents.  Learn to disengage from the stress of parenting and reconnect as friends.
 

Emerson

FAQ: My Husband is a Workaholic

 

Question:  My husband is a workaholic. Work comes before me and the kids. Your first point in CHAIRS is to admire and respect his desire to work.  If I compliment him on his work, won't I just be encouraging him to work more?  

Answer:  First, I caution that I cannot guarantee that what I have to say will automatically get a husband to quit working so many hours and be at home a lot more. However, in counseling many couples in this situation, I have made three observations that usually help a wife deal with the situation in a more positive way.

First, to influence him directly, respectfully say, “Your children (daughter, son) need you at home more. You have a unique influence on them. In certain areas, nobody matters to them as much as you do. It may not appear that way to you, but your positive presence has the power to mold them. I know you are swamped and have little time, but I also know that you want to give them that part of you that no one else can give to them. Thanks.”  If you do not have children, reiterate how important he is to you, and you miss having time with him.  However, keep this friendly and not whiny!

Second, you need not praise him for all the work he is doing away from home. In other words, don’t feel that you must respect what may be a negative obsession. Instead, look for non-work areas in which to express respect. Remember, you cannot devalue what he is doing at work in order to get him to value the family more. Do not say or imply, “I am not going to respect you until you start helping me and the children.” That is equal to having him say or imply, “I am not going to show you and the family any love until you start honoring me for what I do at work.” Disrespect never motivates love, and lack of love never motivates respect.

Finally, some husbands work because it is the place they feel respected. If a wife is negative, complaining, and disrespectful, what man wants to come home? A man does not hear the deeper cry of his wife’s heart when she makes a personal attack on him and his work. He does not hear, “Rescue me.” Instead he hears, “I despise you.” So he asks for (or chooses) overtime at work.

As hard as this is to hear, you will need to be patient and see this as a 6 month project. Give your husband time to bring some things at work to completion and to introduce “no” into his vocabulary on the job. Give him time to taste what it’s like to be an influence in his own home with his own children (not to mention you). Have confidence in God’s Word and allow time for the Holy Spirit to work.

Emerson

[Repost] New Beginnings

This week we anticipate the celebration of the greatest event in Christianity – the resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ, who died that we may have LIFE! This reality – that we have new life here on earth, followed by eternal life – is overwhelming. For the Christian, nothing compares!

New life in Christ means a new beginning - even in our marriage. In fact, the beauty of the gift of salvation is that each day is a new beginning. No longer do we need to live in self-condemnation, shame, and regret. These are replaced with forgiveness, joy, and hope! Even when we fall back into our old ways of behaving, forgiveness is extended to us. What an amazing gift!

Can we extend this gift of grace within the context of marriage? We first must give ourselves grace, as we inevitably “mess up” day after day. Don’t collapse in defeat. Remember, today is a new day - a new beginning - another chance to do it better.

You may have some wonderful short-term results applying the Love and Respect principles – and praise God for them! But overall we need to take the long view. Easy success unwisely relaxes us. We then get crushed when a new battle arises. Proverbs 24:16 says, “For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again.” The difference between couples with great marriages and those with bad marriages isn’t the absence of conflict. Successful couples rebound quickly and start again. Unsuccessful couples get discouraged and angry and withdraw into stubbornness, refusing to start over. They close off to God and one another.

Satisfying and stable marriages see failure as part of success. Hall of Fame batters miss 7 out of 10 times. Babe Ruth struck out more than anybody! But he didn’t quit. Successful couples do not let the loss of a battle drive them to the conclusion that they have lost the war. Nor do they let temporary victories lull them into a false sense of security.

It takes time to relearn behavior…to unconditionally respect your husband or to unconditionally love your wife…especially when he/she does not respond the way you would like. But God’s Word does not disappoint. He knows that we are naturally impatient creatures so He tells us to take heart and to be patient. Be especially encouraged because when you do what God wants you to do, you are sowing for the long term.

This is about reaping a glorious harvest because you took the time to plant things the right way and wait until the crops bore fruit. This is not about short-term control but about long-term fruitfulness.

Be patient! Today is a new day. Begin again…

Happy Easter!

Emerson and Sarah

*Originally posted 4-18-11

Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4DG8d

Darkest Before the Dawn

In my last blog I challenged the wives to be the mature one in the relationship and consider changing the tone at home.  I promised to challenge the husbands equally, so guys…now it’s your turn.  Here’s a testimony from a husband who realized he could no longer assume his marriage was ok…he needed to step up and save it.  He figured out what it truly means to unconditionally love, even when not receiving anything in return.  I salute him as an honorable man!

My wife and I were high school sweethearts and have been together 19 years and married for 15.  Most of our marriage has been great with many more ups than downs.  Then about a year and a half ago, we began arguing much, much more than we ever had before.  I became more withdrawn and angry, and she became completely uninterested in me sexually and affectionately.  We both seemed to blame much of this on the stress we were under.  After we talked out a particularly nasty episode of “Blame Your Spouse for All Your Problems,” things seemed to get better for about six months.   

Oh how wrong I was!

One day it was like someone just flipped a switch in her, and she completely withdrew from me.  I tried to push her to talk but she was not responding to my barrage of questions and complaints about her.

  I finally said, "Don't you want to work this out?" 

 I was absolutely floored when she replied, "I don't know." 

 

In my mind this was just another stupid argument about the same old thing.  Of course we would work it out, we always did before!  She just said that all she knew is she wasn't happy, and hadn't been for a while.

It was as if a truck hit me and was parked on my chest!  The one thing I felt I had done right in my life was to be a good husband, and now I was faced with the fact that I had driven the love of my life away from me.  

After a few tense days, I got up the nerve to ask her point blank, "Are you going to leave me?" to which she replied again, "I don't know.” 

(Later I found out things were much worse than I had originally thought.  She had already sought the advice of a divorce attorney "just to see what her options were" and was having an inappropriate relationship with a male friend that was on the way to becoming an affair.) 

I set up an appointment with a family therapist, which she balked at but did come to the appointment.  The best thing to come out of the session was as ‘homework’ we should get a copy of your book (Love & Respect)… Now let me tell you, I am a big skeptic of most self-help type books, but I was desperate to find a way to reconnect with my wife and keep my family together, so I headed for the bookstore. I started reading as soon as I got home…it was like the first few chapters had been written about us!  I now realize that we have been on the Crazy Cycle to some degree for probably five years!  I was blaming her for her not being interested in me anymore, but seeing how I was really hurting her all this time, I understood for the first time what was really happening!  It was so simple once I saw my actions through the eyes of Love and Respect!  She didn't feel loved! I have always said it frequently, but my actions told her another story.   

I have finally let go of all the small stuff that I grew into a big problem. I was always ready and willing to fix our problems, but I was never able before because I was trying to treat the symptoms instead of the cause. 

 I FINALLY GET IT!!!   

We aren't in the same place yet (in our healing) and it is very frustrating at times not having her respond to me, but I realize that she feels like she worked on this problem for a year and got no response from me (in my defense, I didn’t even know we had a problem at the time!)…and she is exhausted from trying.  With God's help, I will continue to work on us every minute of every day to help her and to put my own feelings of frustration aside.  As you said, it is not fair, but no one ever said life or love was going to be fair, and in the end the reward of having my wife back will be well worth it!   

I feel that although she knows that she has had a part in all of this, she doesn't really own up to her part of the blame at this point and is still putting it all on me.  That's okay, I feel like I deserve most of it and I'll continue to work on my share whether she is ready to take on hers or not.  

My biggest challenge at this point is trying not to get my feelings hurt, and balancing my love and support for her without smothering her. 

I only pray that it is not too late for us, but with hard work and God's help, I know we will pull through this.  He has told me that it is going to be alright with us, but that it is going to be a long, hard fight.  But anything worth having takes working for, and I don't mind getting my hands dirty!  

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity to make me a better person and husband, and may God bless you for writing this wonderful book. (Anonymous) 

Men, do you find yourself in a similar situation?  To continue loving unconditionally when receiving very little in return is a tough test.  Will we persevere out of obedience to Christ, or crumble in defeat?  Remember…it’s always darkest before the dawn.  You can do this!

 

Emerson