United We Stand, Divided We Fall

What impacts your children more?  Your relationship with your spouse or your relationship with your children?

After counseling married couples for more than 35 years it is my conviction that your relationship with your spouse—the strength of your marriage—equally impacts your children. The marriage is the backside of the parenting coin.  

In marriage a man and a woman come together as a unit and God’s ideal is that this oneness be reflected in our parenting style. As a father and mother, we co-operate, co-labor, and co-ordinate.  We are a team. As one husband wrote to me, marriage isn’t a competition to see who has the best ideas, “It’s a team effort. All for one and one for all.”

An excellent passage to remember is Ecclesiastes 4:9: “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.” 

Because Sarah and I had both known pain from the lack of teamwork by our parents, leading to divorce in both of our homes (fortunately mine remarried each other), we were determined to be a cohesive unit.  We had each seen firsthand the truth of the motto: “United we stand, divided we fall.” Our parents fell, and we determined not to let this happen to our marriage and to our children.  In my case, I had cried myself to sleep many a night as my mom and dad argued and fought. Sarah had experienced the same kind of emotional scarring. 

So from the time our kids were very small, Sarah and I recognized the wisdom in parental teamwork and focused on unity. Did Sarah and I always agree? No, but we distinguished unity (a united and harmonious front) from unanimity (having to absolutely agree all the time on all aspects). We subscribed to the belief that if we always agreed, one of us was unnecessary. Often we would debate opposing opinions and ideas about the children behind closed doors. Sometimes the sparks flew, but we knew God had made us male and female to spark better ideas and insight. To slightly paraphrase Proverbs 27:17: “Iron sharpens iron, so one spouse sharpens another.” We were confident our differences led to better decisions.

When we came out to face our kids they knew they could not divide Mom and Dad and conquer by getting their way.

Another passage that inspired our unity was Mark 3:25: “If a house is divided against itself, that house will not stand.” We must work at being allies or we could act like enemies.  As Eugene Peterson puts it in The Message: “A constantly squabbling family disintegrates.”

We never serve our children well when we serve each other divorce papers. Often parents tell me: “I love my children and really don’t want to hurt them or screw them up. I know how my parents’ divorce affected me. I never want to break my sweet children’s hearts…”

I agree.  For this reason, working together to have a truly loving and respectful team is imperative. Displaying animosity and divisiveness creates emotional havoc in the child.  Grown children from divisive, separated or divorced homes are often depressed and find it hard to trust in building a marital relationship of their own. Both a legal and emotional divorce hurt the children – they break our sweet children’s hearts.

I want to challenge and caution parents who may be fixating on their kids at the expense of their marriage. It is possible to unthinkingly put your kids on a pedestal like idols, and when we worship our kids, we desecrate them.

The right order is God first, then our marriage, then our kids. When we have this straight, good things happen in the hearts of our children.

This isn’t rocket science; it is a human love and respect relationship as God intended. Children feel far more loved when they know that their parents love and respect each other first and foremost.  As one mom put it: “Our children have giggled watching us kiss, hug, play, and be a mommy and daddy who love each other and them. Taking a minute here and there to love each other brings smiles to their faces I didn’t expect. They love us loving each other!”

We must never conclude that we have to choose between parenting and marriage. We do not put the marriage on hold until the kids grow up and leave. God’s design is a family structure with two roles: spouse and parent. The encumbrances and inconveniences of trying to do marriage and parenting are taxing, but possible in His strength.

What are you doing to work on your marriage?  Start today. It’s the best thing you can do for your kids.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Love & Respect in the Family by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

GIVING: Needs, Wants, and What Seems Best

During this season of giving, we are all aware of that fine line between enjoying the season, and becoming indulgent. Last time I challenged you to examine your motives behind giving, particularly when it comes to giving to your child’s wants.

What did you discover?

Most parents don’t intend to spoil their children, so is there a formula to follow to avoid giving too much?  No, but there is a biblical principle:  “While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best” (Hebrews 12:10 MSG).

Yes, there is a certain amount of guesswork in parenting, but I believe Hebrews 12:10 is assuring us who follow Christ that we can trust Him to guide us in doing what is best. As the Lord trains us in what He knows is best, He trusts us to use a certain amount of plain-old common sense as we seek to train our kids. So as we seek to give to our kids “what seems best,” we must sort out the needs and the wants and make some decisions.

None of us likes to disappoint our children. But we must keep in mind the greater lessons our children need to learn. Life is full of disappointments. What are the ramifications for our children if they go into adulthood not having learned how to deal with disappointment? Might they go from one job to another in search of one that doesn’t disappoint? Might they leave their marriage in the face of disappointment in search of the perfect relationship?

Furthermore, what lessons are we teaching our children when we spend beyond our means…or even when we spend within our means but to the point of indulgence?

Too much giving can make children extremely selfish. Proverbs 30:15 tells us “the leech has two daughters,” named “Give” and “Give.” We must guard against our children becoming “slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites” (Romans 16:18).

Make it a priority to teach your child how to delay gratification. The real gift you can give your child is not gratification by getting another toy, but learning to delay gratification by not getting what he wants. Remember, if your child lacks self-control, it is you who is being controlled.

Rather than getting caught up in buying tons of gifts, give the priceless gift of time. Consider making memories simply by being together. A man wrote to me about how his family did not have much when he was growing up, but his dad made the most of it: “Every once in a while he would take the family on ‘surprise outings.’ He would only tell us to get in the car. We didn’t find out where we were going until we got there. These were good times together...” Let a spirit of generosity engender a sense of family, which leads to good times together.

As you sort out giving to needs and wants in your family, keep in mind that the best thing we can give to our children is the intangible example of faith in God to supply all their needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus. You cannot give your children any greater gift than that!

Sarah and I wish you a blessed Christmas season reflecting on the greatest gift of all – Jesus!

~Emerson

You Don’t Always Get What You Want

One Christmas morning when I was eight, I went into the living room where the presents surrounded the Christmas tree. My eye immediately caught sight of a robot! Yes, a robot, sparkling shiny and silver, just about my height. My mind raced a hundred miles an hour. Where was the control, so I could make it walk, talk and perform any task I desired?

About then I saw that my robot was wrapped in cellophane and that it had a cardboard box head and cardboard arms. “Unwrap it,” my Mom urged excitedly, but I didn’t want to “unwrap” it. I had a robot! Then she said, “Your present is underneath the wrapping!”

Little did she know how disappointing her words sounded to me. Then, as I inspected my robot I saw it. A snow sled. Mom had cleverly attached a box to look like a head, and cardboard arms to the sled handles, creating a robot-looking object. My imagination had done the rest. Before Mom’s eyes, my spirit deflated like a punctured balloon. I wanted a real, moving robot with an on-off switch, not a dumb sled. My face fell and I know my unhappiness made Mom unhappy. From then on, Mom made sure she did not do anything to raise my expectations beyond reality.

That Christmas morning I learned a painful lesson: you don’t always get what you want. It is a lesson all parents must teach their children. They cannot always have what they want, nor should they always get what they want. Too much of a good thing is no longer good. As Proverbs 25:16 says: “Have you found honey? Eat only what you need, lest you have it in excess and vomit it” (NASB).

Solomon makes clear what we all know: there is a real difference between what we need and what we want. And parents also know that giving to a child’s needs is a lot less complicated than trying to satisfy a child’s wants. While needs are not negotiable, wants are. However, kids are quite adept at negotiating their wants into needs every time! It can get complicated for parents.

I understand this struggle! Kids are outstanding negotiators which is why we need to be clear on what we believe about giving, or we can be too easily persuaded.

There are, of course, appropriate and reasonable times to give to your child’s wants. We give to show our love and spirit of generosity, especially at a time like Christmas. Giving in the purest sense – no strings attached – communicates unconditional love to our children, helping them discover their worth to us and God.  As Jesus said about our heavenly Father:  “look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26 NIV).

Are you feeling stressed this Christmas, trying to get everything on your child’s Christmas list? Are you struggling with how much is too much?

Perhaps the first question we need to ask is: “Why am I giving to my child’s wants? What is my purpose?” For example, am I giving in to my child because I believe it is unloving or unkind to say no? That will spoil them for sure.

At the end of the day we must do what seems best (Hebrews 12:10). I’ll share more about that next time.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from 

Love & Respect in the Family 

by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Good Parenting = Good Kids

…Or does it?

My son David, now in his 30s, highlights the struggle I had with writing a book on parenting:

I believe for my father, writing this book has been the single most difficult undertaking he has experienced other than my mother having breast cancer. For two years, as my father wrote this book, his level of introspection on his methods of parenting has caused large amounts of pain and even regret. He has painstakingly attempted to expose all of his and my mother’s struggles, mistakes, and imperfections as parents.

He’s right.  As I wrote, disturbing memories came back to me not only from my own childhood, but from my failures as a father.  Many days I wanted to give up, feeling completely defeated.

Ironically, though I wanted to give up writing primarily because I felt I had often failed my own three kids, it was these same kids who wouldn’t let me quit! They cheered me on, telling me I needed to give myself more grace. And in the end, they signed off on everything I shared - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Some of you need to give yourself more grace too.

Most of us assume that if we abide by God’s plan to unconditionally love our kids, we will have respectful, obedient children in return.

Isn’t this the guarantee?

No.  And this is what really revolutionized my thinking and parenting.  A loving parent does not guarantee a respectful child.

One day a repeated statement in the book of Proverbs hit me like a ton of bricks.  Over and over Solomon writes to “my son.”  First I thought he was writing figuratively, but then I realized he was writing to his son Rehoboam who did not follow his counsel.  Solomon was considered the wisest man to live, yet his own son rejected his wisdom and chose evil!

I then researched other parents and offspring in the Bible and what I found were four different scenarios:

1.   Good parents with good kids.  (Zacharias and Elizabeth with John the Baptist.)

2.   Bad parents with bad kids.  (Ahab and Jezebel with Ahaziah.)

3.   Bad parents with good kids.  (King Ammon and his son Josiah.)

4.   Good parents with kids who reject their parent’s godliness and choose bad.  (Samuel had two rebellious sons.)

We all know the story of the prodigal son. But think about the father. He had two sons:  a selfish, indulgent second born (the prodigal) and an older son who was self-righteous, judgmental, and angry. 

Would you invite this father to teach in your church on how to parent?

Probably not. Yet Jesus tells us that this father represents Abba Father!

Are some of you parents of a prodigal?  Are others of you standing in judgment of those who are?

I believe that some of you who feel judged have loved your disobedient child by keeping your eyes on Jesus, and this has touched the heart of Christ in ways you cannot imagine. I believe you have parented God's way and will hear "Well done good and faithful servant" even though your child has wandered away from the faith.

Parenting is a faith venture.  As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Ephesians 6:8 NKJV).

Will you choose to parent God’s way, in spite of the actions of your child?  You too can hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

~Emerson

It's like "Love & Respect" had kids!

IT'S HERE!! The Bible commands love and respect between parent and child (Exodus 20:12, Titus 2:4), just as it teaches love and respect between a husband and wife (Ephesians 5:33).

Love and Respect in the Family: The Respect Parents Desire, The Love Children Need is packed full of completely new content....cover to cover.  It is the book people have been asking me to write for years.  In essence, when they feel unloved, children react to parents in ways that feel disrespectful. When feeling disrespected, parents react to children in ways that feel unloving. Neither premeditate this negative reaction, but this is how each appears to the other and round and round it goes. It's called the Family Crazy Cycle and this book helps families jump off of it.

How is it different than other books on parenting?

The fact that my own adult children speak into the content sets it apart, and that I've waited 35 years to write it makes this unlike other parenting books out there.  Also, because of the trauma of my own upbringing, I bring a different perspective than other authors that may have had a more idyllic childhood.  This book includes the perspectives of both Sarah and me, as well as our three children, Jonathan, David, and Joy.

This book seeks to answer what the Bible says to parents. If parents read and apply the principles in Love & Respect in the Family, they will be able to stop the crazy cycle of family conflict and begin to energize their children.  

The book:

• Explains volumes of information about family dynamics for the lay person
• Provides a simple plan for parents to follow
• Validates the parent's need for respect - particularly the father
• Explains how to deal with the feeling of being disrespected
• Explains the mindset of a child: children are typically not trying to be disrespectful, but often are immature, selfish, or irresponsible
• Explains the child's need for love and how to meet that need
• Shows the parent how to love when feeling disrespected
• Reveals the foundational reason to parent: to hear Christ say, "Well done!"
• Begins and ends with what the Bible says about parenting instead of using the Bible to justify what we want to say psychologically and sociologically
• Is "father friendly," which mothers love
• Is both parent and child-focused

With the best of my ability, when it comes to the Biblical topic of parenting, I have tried to be an ambassador for the kingdom of Christ. I believe that as a pastor and teacher, I have a responsibility to rightly represent Christ's platform when it comes to marriage and parenting. I know that I have to give an account before Him on that final day, and I'm very aware of the fact that the apostle James says that those who teach will receive a stricter judgment. This is less about writing a bestseller and more about rightly representing the heart of Christ to parents. I happen to believe that when we honor Him, He will honor us.

~Emerson

Once you've read the book, would you be so kind as to post your review on Amazon.com. Reviews will help get this important message out.


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