A Husband Finds the Log in His Own Eye

This testimony prompted deep gratefulness in my heart! 

My wife and I were born into families that did not necessarily set us up for success. We married in between our junior and senior year of undergrad (college). 

I loved my wife dearly, but by far spent more of my time thinking about the “husband is the head of the home” scriptures. The first several months of my marriage I think I spent a lot more time “beating my chest” about those scriptures than thinking in particular about Heather’s concerns or my responsibility to her as a husband, even after she became pregnant a few months after marriage.  

Sometime around our 5th month of marriage or so I got it in my head that I was going to be a real spiritual husband and begin praying regularly for my wife. I would wait for Heather to go to bed and wait until she was asleep, then I would go in and pray. My prayers were usually along the lines of “Dear God, please make Heather a woman of prayer. Please make her a wise woman, and a good mother. Please make her a woman of your word.” Etc.  

One night about two weeks after I started doing this I went in to pray. I went to open my mouth and the Lord dropped a sentence in my mind and a revelation in my heart. The sentence was the verse, “Husbands, LOVE YOUR WIVES AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.” I had read this several times before but had glossed completely over it because of my lack of understanding, selfishness, etc. The Lord drilled it into my mind.  

At the same time He dropped a revelation into my heart, which occurred amazingly fast but essentially took me back through my married life with Heather and showed me just how much I had been putting conditions on Heather as to whether I would love her or not.  

Even the “praying” I had been doing was really my bringing to God a list of the things I wanted in a wife, more conditions to love her by. I was thinking “I will love her if…” I had never seen it, and I was floored, really speechless.  

When I finally started talking all I could say was to tell the Lord that I loved my wife over and over. 

I stewed on this for a few weeks and then when Heather and I were taking a trip I took the concentrated alone time in the car to tell her about what God had convicted me of and to repent to her for loving her conditionally, and I committed to her to love her unconditionally. It was a beginning to a very new time in our marriage.  

I have always believed that one of the reasons why God could come and deal with me so severely (Thank Him for it!) was because Heather was not in disobedience (to God). It kind of had a feel of “Heather, why don’t you just step aside and let Me take care of this knuckle head for you…Whack!” 

So I spent the next 14 years pretty aggressively going after “Husbands, love your wives...” We of course had our spats and failures, and whatever my desire was I certainly didn’t always love her as I knew I should, but it was my goal.  

Right now I am going through your material with a group for the third time and enjoying it thoroughly. I suppose I am a Love and Respect Zealot. I appreciate your example in the DVD teachings of holding up Love and Respect together to be valued. I seek the Lord to be balanced with the truth and watching the DVDs is a great help. (Bill) 

I salute Bill as a true man of honor! As you read these verses, replace “your brother” with your spouse’s name.

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Luke 6:41, 42 (NASB) says: “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or, how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.” 

I am inspired to take a fresh look at the logs in my own eye. How about you?

~Emerson

See other testimonials and share your marriage testimony with us here.

Darkest Before the Dawn

In my last blog I challenged the wives to be the mature one in the relationship and consider changing the tone at home.  I promised to challenge the husbands equally, so guys…now it’s your turn.  Here’s a testimony from a husband who realized he could no longer assume his marriage was ok…he needed to step up and save it.  He figured out what it truly means to unconditionally love, even when not receiving anything in return.  I salute him as an honorable man!

My wife and I were high school sweethearts and have been together 19 years and married for 15.  Most of our marriage has been great with many more ups than downs.  Then about a year and a half ago, we began arguing much, much more than we ever had before.  I became more withdrawn and angry, and she became completely uninterested in me sexually and affectionately.  We both seemed to blame much of this on the stress we were under.  After we talked out a particularly nasty episode of “Blame Your Spouse for All Your Problems,” things seemed to get better for about six months.   

Oh how wrong I was!

One day it was like someone just flipped a switch in her, and she completely withdrew from me.  I tried to push her to talk but she was not responding to my barrage of questions and complaints about her.

  I finally said, "Don't you want to work this out?" 

 I was absolutely floored when she replied, "I don't know." 

 

In my mind this was just another stupid argument about the same old thing.  Of course we would work it out, we always did before!  She just said that all she knew is she wasn't happy, and hadn't been for a while.

It was as if a truck hit me and was parked on my chest!  The one thing I felt I had done right in my life was to be a good husband, and now I was faced with the fact that I had driven the love of my life away from me.  

After a few tense days, I got up the nerve to ask her point blank, "Are you going to leave me?" to which she replied again, "I don't know.” 

(Later I found out things were much worse than I had originally thought.  She had already sought the advice of a divorce attorney "just to see what her options were" and was having an inappropriate relationship with a male friend that was on the way to becoming an affair.) 

I set up an appointment with a family therapist, which she balked at but did come to the appointment.  The best thing to come out of the session was as ‘homework’ we should get a copy of your book (Love & Respect)… Now let me tell you, I am a big skeptic of most self-help type books, but I was desperate to find a way to reconnect with my wife and keep my family together, so I headed for the bookstore. I started reading as soon as I got home…it was like the first few chapters had been written about us!  I now realize that we have been on the Crazy Cycle to some degree for probably five years!  I was blaming her for her not being interested in me anymore, but seeing how I was really hurting her all this time, I understood for the first time what was really happening!  It was so simple once I saw my actions through the eyes of Love and Respect!  She didn't feel loved! I have always said it frequently, but my actions told her another story.   

I have finally let go of all the small stuff that I grew into a big problem. I was always ready and willing to fix our problems, but I was never able before because I was trying to treat the symptoms instead of the cause. 

 I FINALLY GET IT!!!   

We aren't in the same place yet (in our healing) and it is very frustrating at times not having her respond to me, but I realize that she feels like she worked on this problem for a year and got no response from me (in my defense, I didn’t even know we had a problem at the time!)…and she is exhausted from trying.  With God's help, I will continue to work on us every minute of every day to help her and to put my own feelings of frustration aside.  As you said, it is not fair, but no one ever said life or love was going to be fair, and in the end the reward of having my wife back will be well worth it!   

I feel that although she knows that she has had a part in all of this, she doesn't really own up to her part of the blame at this point and is still putting it all on me.  That's okay, I feel like I deserve most of it and I'll continue to work on my share whether she is ready to take on hers or not.  

My biggest challenge at this point is trying not to get my feelings hurt, and balancing my love and support for her without smothering her. 

I only pray that it is not too late for us, but with hard work and God's help, I know we will pull through this.  He has told me that it is going to be alright with us, but that it is going to be a long, hard fight.  But anything worth having takes working for, and I don't mind getting my hands dirty!  

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity to make me a better person and husband, and may God bless you for writing this wonderful book. (Anonymous) 

Men, do you find yourself in a similar situation?  To continue loving unconditionally when receiving very little in return is a tough test.  Will we persevere out of obedience to Christ, or crumble in defeat?  Remember…it’s always darkest before the dawn.  You can do this!

 

Emerson

Two Simple Things That Speak Romance to Her

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Men, you may not be as romantic as your wife (you sleep during the movie Sleepless in Seattle), but you are a man of honor, and a man of honor discerns the desires in the heart of his wife.

Let me recommend two things that feed the romance for her: she needs predictable face to face time with you and she wants periodic surprises.

Yes, I know for most men it isn’t romantic to sit and focus eye to eye with your wife while she shares her feelings (burdens), especially if you have heard it before.  However, the best way to energize your wife, and even turn her on, is to give her your full, undivided attention when she talks to you. For example, set aside some time each evening for this. Sarah and I used to sit for 15 minutes each evening while she shared her day with me.  She connected with me this way. I realized that Sarah had a need that I did not have, but I concluded that was ok.  I was happy to meet that need and she respected me for it!

   

Because you need less emotional connection does not mean your wife should feel as you feel.  One way to picture your marriage is with a line that has the word Involvement at one end and the word Independence at the other. In the typical marriage relationship, she leans more toward the “involvement” side (to connect!) and he leans more toward the “Independence” side.  I am talking about the bell curve here.  But here’s the deal. Men, when you get too independent (especially when you stonewall), she does not feel close to you and begins to feel you don’t love her.  As a man of honor are you willing to step toward her and give her more of your heart and involvement, even if it appears she talks in ways that feel too negative and complaining to you?  Truth is, you are the Christ-figure and she is casting her burden on you.  When you act in this honorable way, she will feel fond feelings of admiration for you. Can you give her this gift?

Another way a woman feels loved is by little surprises. To her, it means that you are thinking about her…and that means you love her. Men, do whatever you need to do to remind yourself of this simple principle! Set a reminder on your phone to surprise your wife with a text that simply says “I love you”…or pick up a rose on the way home from work…or give her a call and tell her you’re picking up dinner. The surprises can be as simple as that…they need not be complicated or expensive or take weeks of planning.

So, be predictable and be unpredictable!  Give her predictable time face to face and surprise her behind her back.

~Emerson

Dr. Emerson Reflects on the Aurora, Colorado Tragedy

Emerson shares a powerful biblical principle evidenced in the midst of the horror of the Aurora, Colorado movie theater shootings on July 20, 2012.