How to Get the Hell Out of Your Marriage

Nate and Michelle

Have you ever felt like there is so much hell in your marriage that it’s utterly hopeless? That leaving is the ONLY solution? Well, here’s a true story of a marriage that by all accounts was finished. In fact, this couple titled their testimony “How to Get the Hell Out of Your Marriage” after the Devil almost destroyed them. Michelle and Nathan have given us permission to share their incredible story of healing.

There is no situation, no marriage, too difficult for God. He is the One who can get the hell out of your marriage! ~Emerson

Nathan and I have had our road trips to hell and back many times throughout our marriage. Doctors diagnosed me with ADHD, Bi-polar, chronic depression, personality disorder and schizophrenia. Over the years we had both battled with many addictions in different forms, at different times. Our home life was a mess, so my husband spent his time diving into his work and ministry. He might’ve been failing at home but outside the house he was doing “great things in the Lord.”

The last bout was the enemy’s one last shot to destroy our family completely. I found myself drawn to internet pornography. It became such an intense addiction that I could not break it and it turned into adultery. I had been overcome by this evil but could not break free. I decided that ending my life would be better than this. Then my family intervened and I was admitted to a mental hospital. From there I went straight into rehab only to get kicked out. I ended up in a homeless Christian mission that had a recovery program. But amidst my battle and mental torment I fell again, and ended up back on the street. 

After several weeks the Lord started drawing me back. I didn’t know what deliverance was but I knew I needed to be free. Nate and I slowly began to be drawn by the Lord to the place of restoration, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I was still living on the streets when I got myself into a “Celebrate Recovery” program. At this point I reached out to a local church for help to get my family back. They connected me with a woman named Lisa whose marriage was changed through Love and Respect Ministries. At this point everyone that had been in our lives had pretty much given up on us. But the Lord had given Nate a word to “pursue your wife” when it looked the darkest, and the Lord also gave me a word that “I will restore you to your family.” 

We came across a deliverance ministry and something inside me said, “This is it; this is where my freedom lies.” I also started going to a Motivating Your Man God’s Way ladies’ group. I was going to learn how to treat my husband. No one had really taught me that. OH MY - it was hard! The respect thing did not come naturally to me and went against everything I believed to be true. Everything on the inside of me screamed “This is SO WRONG” but it was so right because it was what the Lord instructed. Through many nights of Lisa’s coaching & my small group’s accountability, I applied these principles. I learned that when I did, everything usually ended up the way I wanted it to, even though I was so sure that it wouldn’t. It’s amazing how we think God’s way won’t work - that our way is better - but God truly knows best. When I obey His word He makes sure that everything works together for the good.

I was on the street for a total of 9 months when I moved back home. I went through deliverance ministry and was healed and delivered from the ADHD, the bi-polar, everything that had me bound. I was able to come off all 8 of my medications. I have been medication free for 3 ½ years! Nate and I renewed our vows in 2010. We are moving forward in the restoration process of our family. We’re not perfect, but we are doing what God has called us to do.

I continue to apply the Love and Respect teaching to my life. I recently went through Respectfully Yours and was able to walk away from that with even more revelation. It’s not a marriage crisis but a crisis of faith. God is not asking me to do these things because He wants to hurt me but because He loves me.

We want to give God all the Glory! We were hopeless and should not be here today. But God said NO - this family is mine! ~Nate and Michelle

A Husband Finds the Log in His Own Eye

This testimony prompted deep gratefulness in my heart! 

My wife and I were born into families that did not necessarily set us up for success. We married in between our junior and senior year of undergrad (college). 

I loved my wife dearly, but by far spent more of my time thinking about the “husband is the head of the home” scriptures. The first several months of my marriage I think I spent a lot more time “beating my chest” about those scriptures than thinking in particular about Heather’s concerns or my responsibility to her as a husband, even after she became pregnant a few months after marriage.  

Sometime around our 5th month of marriage or so I got it in my head that I was going to be a real spiritual husband and begin praying regularly for my wife. I would wait for Heather to go to bed and wait until she was asleep, then I would go in and pray. My prayers were usually along the lines of “Dear God, please make Heather a woman of prayer. Please make her a wise woman, and a good mother. Please make her a woman of your word.” Etc.  

One night about two weeks after I started doing this I went in to pray. I went to open my mouth and the Lord dropped a sentence in my mind and a revelation in my heart. The sentence was the verse, “Husbands, LOVE YOUR WIVES AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.” I had read this several times before but had glossed completely over it because of my lack of understanding, selfishness, etc. The Lord drilled it into my mind.  

At the same time He dropped a revelation into my heart, which occurred amazingly fast but essentially took me back through my married life with Heather and showed me just how much I had been putting conditions on Heather as to whether I would love her or not.  

Even the “praying” I had been doing was really my bringing to God a list of the things I wanted in a wife, more conditions to love her by. I was thinking “I will love her if…” I had never seen it, and I was floored, really speechless.  

When I finally started talking all I could say was to tell the Lord that I loved my wife over and over. 

I stewed on this for a few weeks and then when Heather and I were taking a trip I took the concentrated alone time in the car to tell her about what God had convicted me of and to repent to her for loving her conditionally, and I committed to her to love her unconditionally. It was a beginning to a very new time in our marriage.  

I have always believed that one of the reasons why God could come and deal with me so severely (Thank Him for it!) was because Heather was not in disobedience (to God). It kind of had a feel of “Heather, why don’t you just step aside and let Me take care of this knuckle head for you…Whack!” 

So I spent the next 14 years pretty aggressively going after “Husbands, love your wives...” We of course had our spats and failures, and whatever my desire was I certainly didn’t always love her as I knew I should, but it was my goal.  

Right now I am going through your material with a group for the third time and enjoying it thoroughly. I suppose I am a Love and Respect Zealot. I appreciate your example in the DVD teachings of holding up Love and Respect together to be valued. I seek the Lord to be balanced with the truth and watching the DVDs is a great help. (Bill) 

I salute Bill as a true man of honor! As you read these verses, replace “your brother” with your spouse’s name.

Photo Credit

Luke 6:41, 42 (NASB) says: “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or, how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.” 

I am inspired to take a fresh look at the logs in my own eye. How about you?

~Emerson

See other testimonials and share your marriage testimony with us here.

She Is Always, Always Right!

We often hear from women who fear that showing respect will demean them or turn them into a doormat.

As one husband (Doug) said, his wife Shelly was “blessed with a strong personality.”

And Shelly freely admits, “But I always knew I was right!”

Meet Doug and Shelly Bose, as they share the story of how God transformed their marriage through the truth of Ephesians 5:33.

See other Love and Respect testimonials or share yours with us here.

Can You Do This?

Sarah and I have just finished an exciting fall season with seven conferences all over the country and Canada. We are so grateful for each and every person who attended.  The testimonies of lives changed, marriages transformed, and commitments made have humbled us.  We are rejoicing!

Now I want to encourage all of you to stay the course. It would be entirely normal if your old habits of communicating were rearing their ugly heads at this juncture!  But…you don’t need to give in to your past reactions.  Oh, I understand that you will fail at this, as Sarah and I also fail.  But may I encourage you to persevere and fight against those old reactions with a renewed energy?  You can do this!

As you move forward...

For you husbands, Proverbs 12:16 declares, "A fool's anger is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor."

This verse says that a fool spouts off in anger when feeling dishonored.  On the other hand, a prudent man when feeling dishonored absorbs the hurt and contains his anger.  He knows that exploding in anger will not motivate his wife to show more honor.  That’s an unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

I see you men as prudent men who refuse to let the feelings of dishonor light an explosive fuse.  I also know you are human, and you may fail at this. No doubt you have had moments when you feel dishonored.  Even so, take the hit.  Conceal it.  And, then… move on.  Don't get angry.  

But if you fail in this, get back up!  And remember, an apology goes along way with your wife.

As for you wives, Proverbs 10:12 states, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions." 

You are loving women by nature.  If, though, you allow hate to surface in the face of your husband's failings, you will ignite strife.  The way of resolving some of this tension, according to this Proverb, is to allow your loving nature to cover certain transgressions.  

I am not saying to ignore all sin but the Bible teaches that at certain moments it is ok to overlook those things that frustrate us.  We are not failing God by moving on.  We can actually be obeying God. 

I am not saying that you enable your husband's willful and habitual sin.   Instead, my frame of reference are those moments when you are spitting mad at his self-focus, insensitivity to you, and lack of a positive godly pursuit.  During those times you need to take a step back and go quiet until you can address the situation respectfully and calmly.  Again, I understand you may fail at this.  Our humanness gets the best of all of us at times.  But when you do, get back up and resolve to do it differently the next time. For sure, when we do confront the sin, we need to do so from a loving and respectful demeanor.

Most of you demonstrated a desire and resolve to do the marital dance differently.  In those moments when it feels impossible, remember you have the Holy Spirit as your Helper.  Go to Him and ask for the strength and courage to do marriage God’s way.

Can you do this? I know you can, with God’s help!

With love and respect,

~Emerson

{photo credit}

YOU Can Make A Difference!

Photo Credit

We are in the middle of our busy fall conference season.  While living out of suitcases and hotels is not everyone’s idea of fun, we are always filled with wonder and awe at God’s faithfulness as we get to experience changed lives.  And when we receive a letter like this one – telling how a couple went on to share this transforming message with their friends, family and community after their own marriage was changed – well, nothing is more rewarding! 

Will you consider being a light in your community as this “power couple” is?  We would be honored to partner with you to make a difference.

Many thanks to Cheryl and Eduardo for allowing us to share their letter with you!

~Emerson & Sarah

Dear Emerson and Sarah, We went to the Live Conference in Grants Pass, Oct. 12-13.  We SO enjoyed it and were so touched by hearing the power of your message AGAIN.  We have had the privilege and blessing of leading small Love and Respect groups over the past 5 years.  We are in awe of how God is using this truth-filled material to change people's hearts.  

Thank you both so very much for persevering with this mission ~  to strengthen marriages, bring hope and restoration, giving us tools to hang on to and apply, if our hearts are willing and obedient.  Twenty couples from Crescent City, California went also, one saying it was their "last ditch effort.”  They went forward at the end, to put a stake in the ground for their marriage!  My own parents, sister and brother-in-law went forward too!  Four of the couples were in the 18-35 year old range and were greatly impacted! 

 We purchased the Respectfully Yours curriculum for future women's studies.  I have viewed the DVD's and plan to look over the study guide.  I am again moved by the heart issues so wonderfully addressed. 

 We are also hoping to offer a Video Conference in our area in the Spring.  Unless of course you could fit us in your LIVE Conference schedule?! 

 We are praying for more small group facilitators and have couples in mind that may have that desire. 

 We will pray for God's plans and future directions for how we can impact our community all the more.  We share your passion and thank you for how this has healed and transformed our own struggling marriage.  We will celebrate our 30th anniversary in January.  Our best years have been since we came to know the Love andRespect way!!!  

God bless and refresh you both~ 

Cheryl and Eduardo 

Putting Love & Respect into Action!

Today we are honored to feature a video testimonial by Derwin and Vicki Gray.  Derwin is a former NFL player as well as a dynamic speaker and author.  He is also the Founding and Lead Pastor of Transformation Church, a dynamic multi-ethnic, multi-generational, mission-shaped church. Together, Derwin and Vicki also started One Heart At A Time Ministries and are committed not only to one another but to seeing lives transformed through the love, grace and truth of Jesus Christ – one heart at a time.  We are blessed by their commitment to Love & Respect in their marriage and in the lives of those they mentor and lead.  Listen as they share what God has done in their marriage!

~Emerson

View more testimonies of changed marriages on our Testimonials page here.

A Redeeming Love Story

Recently I learned of a blogger named Ange who posted a Love and Respect Testimonial on her blog for Valentine’s Day. Ange met the author of this testimony, Kristin, at her daughter’s preschool and invited her to a Love and Respect Video Conference. As I read this testimony, it brought tears to my eyes. I thought, if only someone like Ange had reached out to my Mom and Dad as she reached out to Kristin - maybe they wouldn’t have gone through such a tragic cycle of divorce, remarriage, and separation.

I never saw my Dad kiss my Mom, except one time, and it is vivid in my memory. But the precious and meaningful scene lost its gripping magnitude when I later learned my Dad had returned from an out of state trip with another woman, and his embracing kiss with Mom became hollow, not holy. Even so, Christ later called my Dad to Himself, and then later called him to heaven where Dad is free from all those things that contributed to him becoming the victim of the enemy. I never hated my Dad, nor did my Mom – nor did the Lord who found in my Dad a man that He wished to embrace, forever.

Here is Ange’s introduction to the testimony by Kristin. I share it with permission from all concerned. Thank you, Ange for sharing with someone you hardly knew. God used you to save their marriage! And thank you, Kristin and Tom, for opening your hearts to the truth of Love and Respect!

We salute you!
~Emerson


FEBRUARY 13, 2011
A Redeeming Love Story

In honor of Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I would share a little love story with you. First I'll give you some background. My husband and I are hosting a marriage conference in our city this year, it's called Love & Respect. We were first introduced to the message of Love & Respect about 6 years ago through some friends. It was a video series on marriage and it was phenomenal!

We hosted our first Love & Respect Marriage Conference last year and it was a hit!

While promoting the conference last year, I invited a lady from my daughter's preschool to attend the conference. We didn't really know each other but I'm not shy and so I just casually mentioned it to her. Here's the rest of the story, in her own words.............

A Love & Respect Testimonial

Wow, Love & Respect. Who would've thought that was the answer to a loving, lasting relationship! We are so blind.

My story, or our story I should say, starts with a 20 year marriage, four children and a life of the two of us being a complete blur.
I (Kristin) after having our fourth child and her turning four years of age, my life or my eyes just opened up like I just woke up to a bad dream. I mean I was living in a bad dream and couldn't get out of it. I was raising four kids, working as a school teacher of a classroom s

ize from 12-15 kids, then home doing all the home stuff. Something was missing, hmmm, what was it? Wow, a husband! Where is my husband?!? It was like he was or had just turned into one of the kids in my mind. I was the mother, the caretaker, the maid, you name it, that was me! Yuck!

I became very, very depressed and some days I don't even know how I functioned. When I did realize I needed my husband it was too late, he was already set in his ways of doing his thing, coming and going to work, having his fun with his buddies, you know the guy story and what guys do. But when they do get home, they want clean clothes and they want to eat! Wow, I felt as if I wasn't loved! So, after 20 years of marriage, I filed for divorce.

Our youngest was starting preschool; at a school I never thought I'd have one of our

children attend as all of them went to a Catholic school system. But, I think I was looking for a change, looking for something that would wake me up to something different, something to make me happy, to fill my void of not feeling loved!

One day after taking my daughter to this preschool class, a mother was talking to a group of ladies about her husband and some issues that they had. I opened my ears a little more thinking, this is interesting and I wish I had what that lady has, a smile on her face while talking

about her husband and that her husband loves her!!!

Ok, let me interject here, this is Ange again. I remember asking Kristen if she wanted to attend the marriage conference and she couldn't but she was interested in learning more about it, so I gave her the website address. Later that day she called me at home and wanted to know if I had the videos and if she could watch them, right away. Back to her story!

This lady who gave them to me had no idea who I was or if I even had any problems. I immediately called my husband at work, well soon to be ex-husband, and asked him "Do you feel respected, I mean respected by me?" I was shocked to his answer (now, I haven't talked to my husband in some time as he wasn't living at our residence anymore because of me filing for divorce), his answer was...NO!

I couldn't believe it, I immediately felt guilty for everything, my husband doesn't feel respected! With tears in my eyes, I was trying to tell him I had these videos I'd like to share with him. But I had no idea what they were really even about.
Now, this man of mine is a man who doesn't sit on the couch and watch videos, especially videos with the word Love, he'd run! He is also the kind of man that never holds your hand in public, kisses you in front of anyone or says I love you in front of someone, no way, out of the question!! Well he came over to watch the videos. I was so scared, I was shaking in my shoes. So I just plugged in the first one and cranked the volume.

To our surprise, we sat there not saying a word, just listening to what this Dr. Emerson had to say, he was so right about what he was saying! Women, respect your man and men, love your woman! So powerful and so true! I couldn't believe that my man was actually getting into it, quiet at times and then laughing, actually laughing! Oh, I was falling for this man all over again. A man I hated an hour ago, a man I've been married to for 20 years and filed for divorce on. All this man wanted was respect and I would get what I was yearning and looking for all these years from him, Love!
We watched all 5 videos that night!!!

We started doing things together and family things - a lot of family things. Plus, the two of us doing things together as a couple was a no-no in his book but now he asks me to be involved in everything he has going on and shares everything with me. We talk, we never did that before!

He never wore his wedding ring. One day, out of the blue he just said, "Kristin, it’s the coming of Easter and doesn't that mean a new beginning? Easter - rebirth?" I said, “Yes it does, what are you getting at?" He said he wanted to wear a new wedding ring not his old one and I would have a matching one for our new beginning!

He kisses me in front of our children. Our children have never seen that ever from us. They say "Oh! Gross!" and we kiss more. He says "I love you" to his children, that is something that would just never happen. All these firsts are so fresh that it's kind of scary.

For a man to do all this for his woman and family - something he has never done before and something he would never try because men just don't do that, he truly is a change

d man! He wants his wife and family sincerely from his heart!

With all this, I dismissed the divorce. We are reconciled and the rest is history!

One last thing, he never slept in our bed for the past 14 years. Don't ask me how we had children because I don't know! Now we sleep together in the same bed with him very tight next to me, holding my hand until we fall asleep. He also calls me every day from work to say "I love you."

I have tears as I write this- this all sounds too good to be true but it isn't, I'm living it! Thank you God!

So please, if you are struggling, watch Dr. Emerson, if he can wake us up, he can do the same for you. You are together for a reason - God brought you together for a reason. We still have issues and that comes in a marriage but now we work them out and understand where all the issues come from!

With Love & Respect,

Tom & Kristin

"Hope" Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4tzTk

DOING NOTHING IS DOING SOMETHING

In time the farmer's fields grow over with weeds if he does nothing to remove the weeds. In time his barn collapses if he does nothing to repair the structure. In time the corralled horses die if he does not feed them. In time the farmer's marriage erodes and dies if he and his wife do nothing good for their marriage.

Listen to the testimonies of people who regret their neglect, the allowance of erosion, and their carelessness. Note my CAPS.

A husband writes, "I am reading your book and for the first time I understand what has ERODED our marriage from the start. My initial lack of cherishing my wife."

A wife e-mails, "I am realizing now how much my husband needed my companionship and how I NEGLECTED to befriend him because he didn't communicate or respond the way I thought he should. We indeed did spend time shoulder to shoulder during our dating days, but that gradually disappeared especially once we had our two sons."

A wife expresses, "I know that I have habitually been CARELESS."

A husband states, that his wife "says I CARELESSLY put their lives and happiness at risk by having an affair and I clearly understand the truth of that."

A wife communicates, "he says I NEGLECTED him."

A husband pens, "Had I broached the subject… it would have brought a better closure to the conflict but I NEGLECTED to do that."

A wife tells me, "My husband had an affair… Through prayer and christian counseling, I decided to stay with my husband. I want to believe my husband is a changed man; however… he has ridden in a car with a female coworker (and) goes out of town for a business trip, but turns his cell phone off... I see CARELESSNESS for the institution of marriage, and I do not want to be hurt again."

A husband sadly reports, my wife "has informed me that she has found someone else that she's completely in love with. It matches her actions - which have been cold and CARELESS."

What about those of you who are doing good things (not nothing) and yet the relationship seems to be eroding? The farmer can plant seeds but then burn the crops as they start to come up. The farmer can fix the barn but run the tracker through the back wall. And he can feed the horses but brutally whip them. One husband wrote, "Sin, anger and unforgiveness has taken its toll on our marriage. Slowly… it ERODED the foundations of our relationship despite the seemingly tireless effort we put into trying to keep it shored up." In other words, we can make wonderful deposits but greater withdrawals.

Sarah and I homeschooled. Our children were a colossal priority. However, it made no sense if Sarah and I neglected our marriage. A bad marriage hurts the very children we seek to serve. How sad if all the deposits we made in our kids through homeschooling ended up having little positive effect because we damaged them through our marital neglect. Sarah and I needed to realize that if we did nothing for our marriage we would be doing something bad for our marriage and family.

Neglect and carelessness are like water and snow on a steep hill that bring certain erosion.

At this moment with a good faith effort can you remove some weeds from the marriage, repair something that is broken in the marriage, or feed what is good in the marriage?