In my last blog I challenged the
wives to be the mature one in the relationship and consider changing the tone
at home. I promised to challenge the
husbands equally, so guys…now it’s your turn.
Here’s a testimony from a husband who realized he could no longer assume
his marriage was ok…he needed to step up and save it. He figured out what it truly means to
unconditionally love, even when not receiving anything in return. I salute him as an honorable man!
My wife and I were high school
sweethearts and have been together 19 years and married for 15. Most of our marriage has been great with many
more ups than downs. Then about a year
and a half ago, we began arguing much, much more than we ever had before. I became more withdrawn and angry, and she
became completely uninterested in me sexually and affectionately. We both seemed to blame much of this on the
stress we were under. After we talked
out a particularly nasty episode of “Blame Your Spouse for All Your Problems,” things
seemed to get better for about six months.
Oh how wrong
I was!
One day it was like someone just
flipped a switch in her, and she completely withdrew from me. I tried to push her to talk but she was not
responding to my barrage of questions and complaints about her.
In my mind this was just another
stupid argument about the same old thing.
Of course we would work it out, we always did before! She just said that all she knew is she wasn't
happy, and hadn't been for a while.
It was as if a truck hit me and
was parked on my chest! The one thing I
felt I had done right in my life was to be a good husband, and now I was faced with
the fact that I had driven the love of my life away from me.
After a few tense days, I got up
the nerve to ask her point blank, "Are you going to leave me?" to
which she replied again, "I don't know.”
(Later I found out things were
much worse than I had originally thought.
She had already sought the advice of a divorce attorney "just to
see what her options were" and was having an inappropriate relationship
with a male friend that was on the way to becoming an affair.)
I set up an appointment with a
family therapist, which she balked at but did come to the appointment. The best thing to come out of the session was
as ‘homework’ we should get a copy of your book (Love & Respect)… Now let me tell you, I am a big skeptic of most self-help type books,
but I was desperate to find a way to reconnect with my wife and keep my family
together, so I headed for the bookstore. I started reading as soon as I got
home…it was like the first few chapters had been written about us! I now realize that we have been on the Crazy Cycle to some degree for probably five years!
I was blaming her for her not being interested in me anymore, but seeing
how I was really hurting her all this time, I understood for the first time
what was really happening! It was so simple
once I saw my actions through the eyes of Love and Respect! She didn't feel loved! I have always said it
frequently, but my actions told her another story.
I have finally let go of all the
small stuff that I grew into a big problem. I was always ready and willing to
fix our problems, but I was never able before because I was trying to treat the
symptoms instead of the cause.
I FINALLY GET IT!!!
We aren't in the same place yet
(in our healing) and it is very frustrating at times not having her respond to
me, but I realize that she feels like she worked on this problem for a year and
got no response from me (in my defense, I didn’t even know we had a problem at
the time!)…and she is exhausted from trying.
With God's help, I will continue to work on us every minute of every day
to help her and to put my own feelings of frustration aside. As you said, it is not fair, but no one ever
said life or love was going to be fair, and in the end the reward of having my
wife back will be well worth it!
I feel that although she knows
that she has had a part in all of this, she doesn't really own up to her part
of the blame at this point and is still putting it all on me. That's okay, I feel like I deserve most of it
and I'll continue to work on my share whether she is ready to take on hers or
not.
My biggest challenge at this
point is trying not to get my feelings hurt, and balancing my love and support
for her without smothering her.
I only pray that it is not too
late for us, but with hard work and God's help, I know we will pull through
this. He has told me that it is going to
be alright with us, but that it is going to be a long, hard fight. But anything worth having takes working for,
and I don't mind getting my hands dirty!
Thank you for this wonderful
opportunity to make me a better person and husband, and may God bless you for
writing this wonderful book. (Anonymous)
Men, do you find yourself in a
similar situation? To continue loving
unconditionally when receiving very little in return is a tough test. Will we persevere out of obedience to Christ,
or crumble in defeat? Remember…it’s
always darkest before the dawn. You can
do this!
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