Marriage {Maintenance}

Recently I came across a blog entry written by a woman who communicated so effectively the mutual fear couples often experience related to a husband’s spiritual leadership and authority.   She nails it!  So this week I’m honored to share a portion of her blog, with her permission.  Thank you, Bekka!

~Emerson

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Maintenance

I've been a little quiet this week because Tim has been home. After four weeks working at a job site more than 14 hours drive away, I tried to take advantage of as many moments as possible with him…I’d asked Tim to book the time off to include the weekend because this weekend, a combined effort of our local churches led to the hosting of a Love & Respect video seminar in our community centre.

At first he was all like “Do we really need to go to this thing?” to which my reply was that we didn’t really need to go, in the sense that we’re not in any kind of crisis stage of our marriage. However, I posed the issue of maintenance. As my friend recently pinned on Pinterest, the grass is greener where you water it.

Session One began Friday evening, and it went over well. It was humorous and enjoyable (I particularly liked the statement “There’re no vacancies in the Trinity”) and we went home, both of us thinking “Great stuff, but we already knew that.”

Then began Session Two on Saturday afternoon, followed closely by Session Three. And that’s where we realized what was missing in our marriage.

Dr. Eggerichs made a comment much to the effect that most Christian wives are looking to their husbands to be the spiritual leaders of their families. They expect their husbands to be the representation of Christ in their households. I was sitting there thinking, “Wow, ain’t that the truth of it! That’s exactly what I want of my husband.”

But with one little word, I realized where I had messed this up. In the middle of the acronym “CHAIRS”, is the word “Authority”. Dr. Eggerichs began to describe our spiritual relationship to the letter. Essentially, the wife looks to the husband for leadership, but she is fearful and apprehensive and so she asks questions and looks for reassurance. The husband interprets this as trying to take control and wear the pants of the relationship and so backs off or responds negatively to the wife and a cycle begins. I believe Dr. Eggerichs fondly refers to this as the “Crazy Cycle” – which comes in part from the definition of insanity: “doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.”

And that’s where our crazy cycle began, with authority. I wasn’t letting my husband have any because I was allowing my fear to intervene. And what was I afraid of? I was afraid that my husband would stretch me.

Tim is a self-taught philosopher and theologian. He is incredibly intelligent…So I was worried my husband… would stretch me further than I thought I was ready to be stretched.

When I confessed this to my husband on our drive home and asked for his forgiveness, I was once again rocked to my core.

That same segment about spiritual leadership had impacted him as well. And he confessed that he was afraid. He was afraid that I would somehow crush him if he had taken on that role. He never thought he was afraid of anything – this is the ironworker who climbs 150 feet into the air and sends me a text message to let me know he loves me, because 150 feet above ground is the only place his cell phone would get a signal.

Last night, as we were lying in bed, God gave me an image of my husband walking up the steps of a raised dais to a throne. On his shoulders was a black mantle of fear, worry, apprehension and something else I couldn't place. As he walked up the steps, his mantle fell off and he was able to sit on the throne. And then he was crowned.

I’m excited for my husband to take his rightful place as the spiritual leader of our family, where I have so desperately longed for him to be, yet have unknowingly set up road blocks all these years. I’m excited to see what happens next.

I give the Love & Respect seminar an A. I highly recommend it to anyone who is wondering just what seems to be missing from their marriage, or who feels like they’re just going through the “Crazy Cycle” all the time, or even for people who think they've got it all together right now and just want to go for some encouragement and maintenance. 

           

How UNDERSTANDING connects with INSIGHT

Several weeks ago, I started a series on being PROACTIVE, not REACTIVE.  I emphasized the importance of not just stopping the Crazy Cycle of conflict in our marriages, but learning how to be proactive by getting on the Energizing Cycle.  To do this, I’ve been introducing some specific things husbands and wives can do to proactively stay energized in their marriage. 

Before continuing, may I gently encourage each of you to pay attention to what YOU can do rather than what your spouse is NOT doing?  We all need to remember that pointing the finger of blame NEVER works.  The mature one moves first, right?  If you truly want to move your marriage forward, continually ask yourself what you can do, not what your spouse should be doing. 

This week let’s focus on something we can all improve on – learning to listen more effectively!  Let’s explore how understanding connects with insight when it comes to listening.

If a husband chooses to listen to his wife’s concerns and problems in an understanding way, she will be motivated to appreciate his insights.  And as a wife listens to her husband’s insights, views and opinions, he will be motivated to listen to her with understanding instead of immediately trying to fix her problem.

I get many letters that affirm this is really a no-brainer.  One husband found himself quickly riding the Crazy Cycle when he responded to his wife’s problems and hurts with solutions and advice.  He had the best intentions, but his wife lashed out, asking him not to preach to her or try to fix her.  He explains:

I would then be frustrated, thinking, “What did I do?  This is the same advice I would give anyone who comes to me for help.  Why is she trashing it?”  Thus, she did not feel loved and I did not feel respected. 

Now I understand the need to listen and literally ask the question: “Do you need solutions or do you need me to just listen?”  It has opened up communication and strengthened the bonds between us.

A wife wrote to confess that she had planned their daughter’s wedding and left her husband out of the loop about the expenses, which were considerable.  He became angry and started complaining that everyone just ignored what he might think and that, basically, he got no respect.  Instead of lashing back about this being their only daughter and she deserved a nice wedding, his wife remembered what she’d recently learned about respect.  She chose to look at the situation from his standpoint.  She apologized and admitted she was wrong in the way she had been handling the plans.  She continues:

We talked over the wedding budget and agreed on how much we would contribute to it.  He settled right down and we were able to discuss the expenses clearly and rationally…In the past I would try to get him to settle down by telling him I loved him, and he would say, “I know that!  But you take me for granted!”  He doesn’t use the respect word, but he does use the taken for granted phrase, which is the same thing.  I never understood why telling him of my love wasn’t enough.  Now we work together as a team on our problems.

Husbands, do you need to listen with understanding, rather than trying to fix your wife’s problems? 

Wives, do you need to solicit and listen to your husband’s insights, views, and opinions before marching ahead with your plans?

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

FEMINISTS REJECT THE BIBLICAL PHRASE "THE WEAKER VESSEL"

My daughter Joy, who is 26 years old, asked me to summarize for her what I say at the conference about Peter's reference to a wife as the "weaker vessel."

The importance of this phrase cannot be overlooked. Some in the secular feminist movement reject Orthodox Christianity because of the phrase "weaker vessel" (KJV) used by the apostle Peter in 1 Peter 3:7 about wives. The whole verse says, "You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered" (NASB). Because of the description of the wife as "weaker" some feminists dismiss the legitimacy of the Bible. To them, the Bible errors. The Bible deviates from truth when implying a husband is the stronger sex. To state that the wife is weaker infuriates some people because this position fails to know and understand women and fails to honor women as equals.

But let's look at what Peter is saying. Peter is making several significant points.

1. In using the word "weaker" he is making a comparative statement not a qualitative statement. In other words, he is not saying that a wife is weak (a qualitative statement) but is saying that she is weaker (a comparative statement).
2. Peter is comparing the wife to her husband not to all humankind. In other words, she is weaker in relationship to one person, her husband, not to all people or all men.
3. To Peter the wife is weaker to her husband in only two areas. In the first area, when the husband refuses to live with his wife in an understanding way since she is a woman. In other words, a wife feels vulnerable and victimized when a husband shouts, "Because you are a woman no one could understand you." In the second area, when the husband refuses to honor his wife as a fellow heir the grace of life since she is a woman. In other words, a wife feels vulnerable and victimized when a husband shouts, "Because you are a woman there's no way I'm going to treat you as an equal. As a woman, you are less than equal."
4. Peter reveals that God does not listen to a husband's prayers when he refuses to live with his wife in an understanding way since she is a woman and when he refuses to honor his wife as an equal though she is a woman. This husband's prayers are "hindered.".

This begs the question: is there any difference between what Peter is writing and what the feminist movement has espoused over the decades? Has not the feminist movement done everything in its power to ensure that women are understood as women and honored as equals with men, and refuse to listen to men who argue against these two things?

When it comes to marriage, do not the feminists expect a husband to empathetically understand the femininity of his wife and to honorably treat her as his equal? Do not the feminists believe that when a husband refuses to do these two things he is victimizing his wife because of her vulnerabilities in these two areas?

Also, if a husband refused to understand his wife as a woman and refused to honor her as an equal though she was a woman, would not the feminist shout, "We will not listen to you Mr. husband nor respond to you. You have no credibility to us"? Of course, and so does God. God says to the husband that he won't listen to his prayers due to misunderstanding and dishonoring his wife. As the husband doesn't have a "prayer" with his wife when he treats her this way, nor does this husband have a prayer with God!

God's Word parallels the concerns of most feminists yet some of these feminists wrongly interpreted the apostle Peter's phrase "weaker vessel" and rejected the orthodox faith. Sadly, some evangelicals aligned themselves with the secular feminists to such an extent that these evangelicals only read Jesus and avoided the apostles Paul and Peter who they believe hold to chauvinistic views. Fortunately, when some of these folks hear what I just wrote, they change their opinion of Peter. They realize Peter espoused two major tenets of feminism before the feminists! They return to the reading of his epistles, and also Paul's epistles. They realize that orthodox Christianity is not the problem. The problem lies with the unorthodox males who defy God's word to husbands.