Who is the Mature One?

I often challenge couples by saying, “The mature one goes first.” 

It is much easier to sit back and say, “Well Emerson, I would be more loving if my wife was more respectful!” Or, “Why should I show my husband respect when he is treating me in an unloving way?”  

Of course it is easier to be obedient to God in our marriage when our husband or wife is also being obedient. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

So who goes first?

My answer:  the mature one.

How do you know if you are the mature one? Let me put it this way.  I can tell you if you are the immature one.

The immature person uses this information not to change themselves, but to try to change their spouse. Their whole mindset is to get their spouse to be more loving or respectful rather than trying to be more loving or respectful themselves. They do not believe that they have the power to influence their spouse, but instead see their spouse as having all the power to influence them. Therefore they must change their spouse in order to be happy.

The immature person lacks obedience to God's commands. Instead their mission is to get their spouse to obey God's command toward them. Bottom line, the Lord will not honor that and a spouse is not going to respond to that any more than if the roles were reversed.

The mature person, on the other hand, will do their part to improve the marriage, even if it means putting their own feelings aside. They will choose obedience to God’s commands over their own feelings and over their circumstances.  That’s because they understand the nature of God:  He is a good God, whose commands are given to help us, not to harm us.

Let me also add that the mature one does not tell their disobedient spouse that they are immature. Nor do they throw it around that they are doing all of these loving or respectful things because of their maturity. That would be immature – and counterproductive! Shaming or condemning your spouse for their immaturity is really a reflection of your own immaturity. The mature spouse displays their loving or respectful actions with a humble heart.

Which are you in your relationship?  The mature one – or the immature one?

If you have hesitated to step out in faith and honor God in your marriage, trust His word and His character. Trust that He would not ask you to do something foolish. He is too wise for that. Be the mature one and make the first loving or respectful move. It could change everything!

~Emerson

HOW TO DO AN ABOUT-FACE IN YOUR MARRIAGE

When a wife owns up to her failures in the marriage and confesses her disrespect and a husband owns up to his failures in the marriage and confesses his lack of love, the two of them can experience an about-face in the marriage. Couples on the edge of divorce have done a 180!

A wife writes, “My husband and I have been married for 16 years. We started out with two little ones ( we were teenage parents) and quickly had two more. Life was so hard and my only example was my parents marriage ( which was not healthy) and my 1970’s feminist mother. After all these years and struggles and fights and violence and depression, we finally came to the end… I bought the (Love and Respect ) book skimmed through it but stupidly, I did nothing with it. Fast forward… I knew if our marriage was to be saved, we needed to attend your conference. I started to ask the Lord to help us. We have no extra money and the conference was far away. We went to church and low and behold our church was hosting a marriage weekend for FREE and it was on your video conference. My husband grabbed a flyer not knowing anything about your ministry and said, would you go with me? Of course I said, yes. From the very first video everything just made sense to us. I was disrespecting him and didn't even know it. He said, he not only has stepped on my air hose but backed over and ground it into oblivion! We are both determined with God's help to love and respect each other. I know it is not going to be easy, nothing of value ever is. Already I am seeing the rewards…. I hope that our 12 year old son stops wetting the bed when he sees his parents truly loving and respecting each other. Thank you, Dr. E and Sarah…if our marriage can be saved- anyone's can be.”

Notice the two key sentences, “I was disrespecting him and didn't even know it. He said, he not only has stepped on my air hose but backed over and ground it into oblivion!” She owned up to her failure to respect and he owned up to his failure to love, AT THE SAME TIME. When both confess, I believe any couple can go in a new direction.

What does his and her confession look like? Here are two examples of a husband and wife who confessed to each other and did an about-face on a relationship headed for divorce. This is part of a larger confession each made to the other. But this gives a flavor of confessional language.

The wife confesses: “For months now I have been grasping at trying to understand what I have been doing - or not doing to cause you to feel disrespected… I have prayed to God for… the courage to change…. I want you to be the head of our home, our leader, and to feel good about it (and)… to give you the respect you need to successfully lead… After reading Love and Respect… I felt like I had an epiphany… It was as if God impressed on my heart the very thing I was trying to put my finger on all these months (and perhaps years)… I often resisted (or internally) disagreed with your advice/counsel... but what God showed me is that you had a lot of insight, wisdom, and understanding that I was ignoring - to my loss! Why? I'm not sure. I think you are one of the most intelligent people I know and I believe you have a lot of common sense, too (Sometimes those don't go hand in hand!)… I am very convicted about this sense of "self-righteousness" as Eggerichs calls it and am moved to tears that this is what I am unwittingly doing… You have so many strengths that I don't have. You are so good for me. Discipline, self-control, organization, big picture vision, and spiritual discernment… Thank you that you lay down your life every day… I know that you would literally die for us if ever called to and that truly is overwhelming to me. With all my respect, The one who still admires you”

The husband confesses: "I finally finished the book Love and Respect…, I love you and want to be your friend, your man, your lover, your protector and guide, - your husband… I now realize that we were on the Crazy Cycle… Love and Respect, opened my eyes to the ways I was hurting you…. I am very sorry for the ways I have treated you so poorly in the past few years. The short summary of my misbehavior was that, even though I did love you, I withheld expression of that love, and I am ashamed of that. This withholding was manifested in many ways: I was critical of you; I was aloof and withdrawn; I refused to help you when you needed it; I shut down and stopped trying; and I basically abandoned you and went on to other things. They were all forms of frustration and rebellion. When I think of how much of a jerk I was, I'm not surprised that you wanted out, but I am thankful you never acted on that impulse. Please forgive me, Jeni - I have acted selfishly and hurt you… You've commented in your letter that I'm almost always right… However, I hope you realize that I'm not interested in who is right but rather what is right. If I have conveyed any arrogance in this regard, shame on me… Thank you for your patience with me, for completing me, for making me feel loved even when I was unlovable. Thank you for letting me drink deeply from your well and for letting me thoroughly enjoy your beauty and your womanly charms. Thank you for being my fair lady. Even after all these years, you still take my breath away!
All My Love…”

Having said this, if your spouse is unresponsive don't say, "If you admitted your faults like I admit my faults, we could bring healing to our marriage." The rule of thumb is this: you must not try to get your spouse to confess. Your spouse must initiate confession on his/her own. Please don't misunderstand the point I am making. I'm only saying that when two individuals AT THE SAME TIME decide ON THEIR OWN to confess their faults -- without blame -- the marriage can do an about-face. Healing can come. What the apostle James writes seems apropos, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another… that you may be healed" (5:16).

HUSBANDS LOVE MARRIAGE!

Nowhere in the Bible does it say that husbands are more indifferent to marriage than wives. Nowhere. I looked at every verse on marriage in the Bible. For example, when I saw the husband breaking the covenant of marriage, as recorded in Malachi 2, I saw the wife breaking the covenant of marriage, as recorded in Proverbs 2.

Malachi 2:14, "… the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant."

Proverbs 2:17, “ That leaves the companion of her youth And forgets the covenant of her God."

Or, when I saw a widow weeping over the loss of her husband, I saw a widower weeping over the loss of his wife. In studying the Song of Solomon, I saw a man and woman caring deeply about their relationship. Scripture assumes and asserts that both men and women have a desire -- apart from the gift of celibacy -- to marry and remain happily married. Each goes into a marriage with the expectation of experiencing love and respect (Ephesians 5:33).

Why then the attitude among some that husbands are at fault for nine out of ten problems in the marriage? Though that statistic may be high, I held to that belief myself years ago. After all, who came in for marital counseling most often? Wives! But one day the Lord spoke to my heart in an inaudible way. “Where in my Word do I reveal that men are more indifferent to marriage?" As I studied, I could not find a definitive answer on that in the Bible.

Why did it appear that husbands resisted marriage conferences, reading marriage books, and marital counseling? Well, in fact, they did! But, I realized that speakers, authors and counselors spoke the mother tongue of wives. Few spoke the mother tongue of husbands (Ephesians 5:33b; 1 Peter 3:2). In other words, LOVE TALK -- the mother tongue of wives -- dominated the marital scene in Western culture, whereas RESPECT TALK -- the mother tongue of husbands -- capitulated to the strong voice of feminism. For some reason, no one knew how to put a voice and vocabulary to what men felt and thought. Whenever a man surfaced the notion that he needed respect, someone quickly defined his words to mean his wife must fear his dominance. Because no wife worth her salt would subscribe to such an antiquated position, the idea of respecting a husband went by the wayside.

However, when I realized Biblically that husbands would come to the marital table with as much intensity about the relationship as wives, I launched the campaign of Love and Respect in marriage. I took the position that if I spoke both the mother tongue of wives and the mother tongue of husbands in a live conference, in a fair and balanced manner, husbands would engage the message. Interestingly, when I first talked with a publisher about the Love and Respect book, the publisher urged me to write the book to wives. I asked, "Why?" The publisher responded, "Because women read the books on marriage." I then said, "Did it ever occur to you that women read the books on marriage because authors write those books in the mother tongue of these women? Let me write this book in a fair and balanced way and men will buy this book."

I don't have gender statistics on who purchases the Love and Respect book, but I know that 49% of those who initiate coming to the Love and Respect marriage conference are men. I assume the same about the book. I continue to receive this kind of e-mail:

“My husband became acquainted with this book… and at his request I purchased this book. He read the book first while away on a trip to see my parents, and he called me on the first day of his trip and said someone wrote a book about us! He was so excited about how we could improve our marriage. We have been married for 24 years and things were ok. But, we both knew that we were in for major changes because our youngest left for college this past fall. We knew we needed help… We discussed it and put it into practice. Our friends all noticed a great change in our marriage/relationship, and most of all our relationship with God. Since then I have been asked to lead an adult Sunday school class. They all wanted to do this study. They want to know the 'secret'. So I have started a class with the average attendance of 20 adults. The class has members from 55-24, married, divorced, and single. Everyone is purchasing the book and workbook. My husband and I have purchased the DVDs also to use along with the study. I know this changed and saved our marriage…. Thank you for writing a book that spoke to me and my husband. Even my children who are 21 and 18 have noticed the change. My son and his girlfriend are getting this book for Christmas.” K.C.

Husbands get excited about their marriages when we reintroduce RESPECT TALK, their mother tongue, to the marriage equation. Husbands love marriage!

Copyright by Emerson