It’s Not All About Me!

We’ve been talking about wedding anniversaries and romantic expectations… and how to get free from the blame game. 

Here’s a story from a wise wife who made a powerful discovery about her wedding anniversary:

My husband and I attended your seminar and it opened my eyes in so many ways.  I realized what was missing in the way I respond to him and how I've been disrespectful towards him causing him to respond in unloving ways.  All this time I'm blaming him and asking and praying for God to change him.

Last weekend was our 17th anniversary.  He's such a golf fanatic that I told him my gift for him would be for him to play golf at a golf course of his choice and money is no object.  To top it off, I told him that I'd caddie for him - drive the golf cart for him and whatever else a caddie does. He was excited the morning of our anniversary while getting ready for golf - he couldn't believe it.  Once we arrived at the golf course, he was telling everyone how that day was my anniversary gift for him and that l would even caddie for him.  

I could tell he was so proud.  It was a VIP golf course and we were treated as such the whole time and he couldn't believe it.  All of the guys were saying they wish their wives would do the same for them and one actually shook my hand and thanked me for what I did for my husband and said that men need more wives like me. You can say that my husband had a smile the whole time and he said he actually shot his best score ever. 

I've always (thought) our anniversary is all about me and that he better have a nice gift for me.  You have changed that for me and I never would have thought of thinking about what would make him happy.....Thank you so much!!!!  

What I love about this story is not only did this wife make a powerful realization – that marriage isn’t all about her – but she acted on it.  Though golf was not her idea of romance, she discovered a deeper joy in giving her husband the gift of respect.  I’m quite sure her husband would say that was their most romantic anniversary ever!

~Emerson

The Romance Game

Romance.  Women generally want more of it…and men feel pressured to deliver. Why does it remain so elusive? 

Last week I shared how our different expectations as men and women can really mess up a romantic anniversary celebration.  But this whole romance thing can get complicated for other reasons as well.

When we’re “in love” romance seems to be in abundance – for men and women.  Many wives I know are perplexed by the fact that their husbands seemed to be quite romantic when they were dating…but the romance fizzled pretty quickly after marriage.  Some would go so far as to say they feel duped.  Tricked.  Even “falsely led.” They thought they married a romantic guy and that at least a little of that would continue in their marriage.  But now he seems anything but romantic! Their disappointment turns into bitterness.

Other wives realize their men weren’t all that romantic during the dating period, but they at least made an attempt once in a while.  Now, they never seem to try at all.

Men are not without blame.  It’s true that we put our best foot forward when we’re dating – trying to win that woman of our dreams!  We are guilty of relaxing in our efforts after marriage, but this usually comes out of our contentment…not our complacency.  Whereas women have an expectation that the romance will continue, most men settle into a simple contentment.  We can appear as though we don’t care, though most of the time that’s not the case.  Still, we need to challenge ourselves to pay attention to the unique needs of our wives.  More on that next time.

Most of us were able to embrace our different needs more when dating.  So what changed?

I think that’s the right question to ask.  But I think we need to ask it of ourselves, not our mates.  How have I changed since marriage?  How am I relating to my spouse differently than I did when we were dating or early in our marriage?

One wife had an “aha” moment when she ran across an old note she wrote her husband.  She writes:  I came across an old card (saved by my husband!). It was when we first moved to a new state and I was pregnant. It was a very stressful time for the both of us.  I wrote in it how proud I was of him making the difficult decision to move and start a new job, etc…it was a respect card and I did not even realize it. When I found the card I was convicted. God was showing me that it wasn’t just my husband that changed. I blamed all of our issues on what I felt was his unloving behavior. I thought I was completely innocent of adding to our problems - I was surely the victim! As I read this card God gently reminded me that I freely gave respect to Mike when we dated and were newly married. I showed appreciation towards him and I encouraged him. He wasn’t the only one who stopped being loving. I stopped being respectful. Who started the downward spiral, only God knows. I am thankful for this message that tells us to keep up what we used to do!

Here’s the point.  Are we too busy blaming our spouse to see how we are contributing to the changes in our marriage?  We can throw stones or step back and ask what we have done to add to the negativity and loss of energy.

Furthermore, do we believe we can re-ignite things by not placing blame?  Instead of demanding our spouse do again what they did at the beginning, can we do again what we did at the beginning – even if it is 68% unfair to us? 

None of us are so weak and powerless that we have no influence.  How can we learn to leverage our influence rather than blaming our spouse for not reacting and responding as we wish they would?  Do we rush to throw our arms up in the air and declare, “Nothing works with you”?  Such a reaction reveals this is more about us than about an authentic interest in touching the need and soul of the one we love.

What do your reactions reveal about you?  I know your spouse is not without blame.  But you are not powerless to ignite change in your marriage.  What can you do to bring a little more romance back to your relationship?  Are you willing to go first?

~Emerson

"ME AND MY WIFE WANTED A BABY"

Romance goes beyond gift-wrapped chocolate, twelve long-stemmed roses, and candlelight dinners.

I say this because today I met an extraordinary husband at the car dealership. Hector drives the shuttle van, returning customers to their homes while their auto undergoes repair. As Hector drove me home I noticed a finger missing from his hand. I asked, "How did you lose your finger?" With his Puerto Rican accent he answered, "Oh, years ago I worked at the Schwinn factory in Chicago and I accidentally hit a button at my workstation that started the cutting blade. My finger was gone before I knew what happened."

As he continued to share, he started laughing when he told me about Willie, a fellow worker at the Schwinn factory, who stood 6 foot five and 250 pounds. “I turned to Willie, who worked next to me, and said ‘I cut off my finger.’ Willie didn't believe me. ‘Don’t joke with me man.’ So I hold up my hand. When Willie saw my missin’ finger, he fainted right on the spot. Kaboom. So I started yellin’, ‘Everybody come here. Willie needs help. Willie just fainted. Somebody help Willie!’ When people came running they asked, ‘Why did Willie faint?’I held up my hand with the missing finger. People couldn't believe it. Man, they started scrambling to get me to the hospital, especially because I was bleeding so badly. It was ugly."

Here's the extraordinary husband part.

Nonchalantly Hector said, "When I got to the hospital they wanted to give me shots to numb my finger and hand. But me and my wife were trying to have a kid, and having trouble. I didn't want no medication to stop us from having a kid. So I told the doctor, ‘No shots.’ He gave me 300 stitches without any painkiller. He was an older doctor and told me that he never had a patient like me in all his years of practice. But to me I had to do it. Me and my wife wanted a baby. So, I sat there and prayed for strength. ‘Dear God help me.’ God give me the strength.”

And God gave him more. Later they had a daughter.

Too often we miss the incredible sacrifices that husbands go through for their wives because there's no romance connected to it. Who gets sentimental feelings when hearing about a lost finger? Sadly, many unsung heroic acts happen out of sight of the candlelight dinner.

As far as I know, judging from Hector's character, he probably downplayed to his wife the sacrifice he made for her that day. Yet, here is a man who endured immeasurable suffering in order to give a gift to his wife of a precious baby.

That's love.

But you will never see it on a Hallmark card. What should Hallmark do, take a picture of Hector’s hand with a missing finger? No way. Willie will faint, and the public will express repulsion at Hallmark for the crassness.

No sentimentality there. Hector needs to buy candy as a surprise.

That's love.

Yet as I sat there, one man listening to another man, tears filled my eyes over the sweetness of this husband’s tender decision to experience torture for his wife and future child.

That's a Hallmark moment. But to see it, you gotta ask, “Hector, how did you lose your finger?” If you don't ask, the answer remains in the darkness beyond the flickering light of the candlelight dinner.