Two Simple Things That Speak Romance to Her

Photo Credit

Men, you may not be as romantic as your wife (you sleep during the movie Sleepless in Seattle), but you are a man of honor, and a man of honor discerns the desires in the heart of his wife.

Let me recommend two things that feed the romance for her: she needs predictable face to face time with you and she wants periodic surprises.

Yes, I know for most men it isn’t romantic to sit and focus eye to eye with your wife while she shares her feelings (burdens), especially if you have heard it before.  However, the best way to energize your wife, and even turn her on, is to give her your full, undivided attention when she talks to you. For example, set aside some time each evening for this. Sarah and I used to sit for 15 minutes each evening while she shared her day with me.  She connected with me this way. I realized that Sarah had a need that I did not have, but I concluded that was ok.  I was happy to meet that need and she respected me for it!

   

Because you need less emotional connection does not mean your wife should feel as you feel.  One way to picture your marriage is with a line that has the word Involvement at one end and the word Independence at the other. In the typical marriage relationship, she leans more toward the “involvement” side (to connect!) and he leans more toward the “Independence” side.  I am talking about the bell curve here.  But here’s the deal. Men, when you get too independent (especially when you stonewall), she does not feel close to you and begins to feel you don’t love her.  As a man of honor are you willing to step toward her and give her more of your heart and involvement, even if it appears she talks in ways that feel too negative and complaining to you?  Truth is, you are the Christ-figure and she is casting her burden on you.  When you act in this honorable way, she will feel fond feelings of admiration for you. Can you give her this gift?

Another way a woman feels loved is by little surprises. To her, it means that you are thinking about her…and that means you love her. Men, do whatever you need to do to remind yourself of this simple principle! Set a reminder on your phone to surprise your wife with a text that simply says “I love you”…or pick up a rose on the way home from work…or give her a call and tell her you’re picking up dinner. The surprises can be as simple as that…they need not be complicated or expensive or take weeks of planning.

So, be predictable and be unpredictable!  Give her predictable time face to face and surprise her behind her back.

~Emerson

Trust God to Work

Photo Credit

Perhaps the major problem that keeps so many couples somewhere between the Crazy Cycle and the Energizing Cycle is the fear that, even though they try to practice the Love and Respect Connection, it won’t work.  Or, that they will be the only one in the marriage trying, and their spouse won’t reciprocate.

To these couples, my advice is always the same:  Don’t give up because it doesn’t seem to be working.  Keep showing your spouse unconditional love and unconditional respect.  Look for even the slightest improvements.  A husband doesn’t bring flowers, but he does fix the leaky faucet.  The wife still has a headache more than you like, but she has toned down the negativity. 

Here’s an example of a wife who felt nothing was happening but later was amazed.  She called her ex-husband and apologized because she hadn’t always respected his position in their home.  (She is a Christian, and he is not.)  There was silence, and then he responded, “Thank you.”  That ended the conversation, but several days later he called back at midnight in tears, wondering why she had made her apology.  She explained she had to ask forgiveness for not being what she should have been as a wife.  Again, the conversation ended abruptly.  Not much seemed to be happening.  Another week passed, and again he called at midnight.  He had been thinking of everything he had done, and he was sorry.  He went on about all of his mistakes – “some of the few kind words he has ever said to me.”

In another situation, a wife moved out and bought another home.  I coached the husband on how to behave toward her in more loving ways.  This went on for some time, and he was seeing little progress.  Then one day she said, “Are you wanting me to beg you to ask me to come back home?”

The above are just a few examples of what can happen.  Don’t give up because weeks or months pass with no response.  Don’t interpret delay as defeat.  Don’t assume that what you are doing is unfruitful.  Most often, love or respect is working on your spouse more than you realize.  Something is transpiring in the soul of that person.  Have confidence that God will work.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Loveand Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.                                            

                                                       

                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

MEN, NOW IT’S YOUR TURN - TRY SOME ‘FACE TO FACE’ TIME!

In my last blog, I encouraged women to study male friendship and to reach out to their husbands through “shoulder to shoulder” activity. I hope some of you men reading this were happy recipients of some quieter moments with your wives!

Husbands, if you are like most men, you feel far more uncomfortable with conversations at an intimate level than your wife does. Most women live with words and emotions that can overwhelm you. You might feel like the guy who said to me, “My wife is always prying. I feel like she has these giant claws, you know the kind they use to open up automobiles to rescue people inside, and she is meddling to get inside me. I need my space. I need my independence.”

Maybe I can help.

If a husband will adjust his blue sunglasses and blue hearing aids, he will understand that his wife has a need to feel close and connect face to face in a way that he does not.

I learned about this female need for face-to-face connection from my daughter, Joy, when she was just four years old. One evening I put her to bed, and I lay there with her for a few moments to help her get to sleep. The room was pitch black, and Joy was talking as usual—little Miss Motor-Mouth. Neither of us could see the other in the darkness.

As she was talking, suddenly she said, “Daddy, look at me!” Then her little hands reached over and grabbed my face, forcing me to look toward her. Already at this age, even in the dark, she sensed that Daddy wasn’t looking, and if he wasn’t looking, then he wasn’t listening! I cannot recall my sons, Jonathan and David, ever grabbing my face like that and demanding, “Look at me!”

This connectivity is what women look for in any relationship, and especially marriage. When she married you, she thought you would be like her best girlfriend — you would figuratively sit with her to talk eye to eye. But that probably didn’t happen. With many husbands, it seldom or never happens.

Before you take a guilt trip, realize that no man can meet all the emotional needs of a woman. At the same time, perhaps you can start to try to meet some of your wife’s needs by forgoing your tall, cool one, your newspaper, your SportsCenter. You can understand what she is doing when she moves toward you, which she normally will do. That’s why she follows you around in the evening (or did when you were first married). It’s her way of showing you she loves you.

One way to picture your marriage is with a line that has the word Involvement at one end and the word Independence at the other, as shown below:

Involvement______________________________Independence
In the typical marriage relationship, she leans more toward the “Involvement” side while he leans more toward the “Independence” side. When you get too independent (especially when you stonewall), she does not feel close to you and begins to feel you don’t love her. When she doesn’t give you the space you need, you begin to feel that she’s trying to get too involved and doesn’t respect you. The line illustrates the tension that exists between your basic needs for involvement and independence. Tension is not bad; it is simply there. In fact, it is a necessary part of your relationship. A degree of tension in a marriage is actually one of the things that makes the relationship good.

The tension between involvement and independence is another illustration of the difference between pink and blue. As a man, you will probably not be able to be as involved with your wife as much as she may like. I am not asking men to become women who sit at tiny tables at cappuccino shops and sip coffee as they share life face to face. You are a man, and your wife loves you for being a man, not a woman. She
doesn’t expect you to become feminine, just like her girlfriend. But when you move toward her, when you show her you want to connect in even small ways, watch what happens. This will motivate her. It will energize her—and it will keep your marriage off the Crazy Cycle and on the Energizing Cycle.

So remember that she wants to connect…she needs to connect. For your wife, face-to-face time is heart-to-heart time. What she tends to look for is your desire to “dwell” with her for a short period to discover where her heart is. If she senses you authentically want to connect, this can do more for her than a one-hour discussion. A few moments of face-to-face each day can save you from those intense emotional “discussions” you tend to dread.