If You Marry, Get Ready for Troubles

Photo Credit: Lesley Miller

Happily ever after…

That’s what we hope marriage will be on that long-anticipated day when we walk down the aisle. But it doesn’t take most of us long to figure out that’s a myth.

Not even the Bible promises “happily ever after.” In 1 Corinthians 7:28 the Apostle Paul says that we will have "trouble" if we marry. Those troubles are inevitable. If you marry, get ready for troubles.

God desires that we all live in harmony, but that doesn’t mean we will live in an environment free from all conflict or trouble. It is how we deal with those troubles that will either lead to harmony or sin.

If we do not accept the inevitability of some trouble as part of God’s design, we may fall for the idea that marriage should be happily ever after. And then when troubles do come, we conclude that we are not receiving what we deserve. Have we been dealt an unfair hand? Is God against us?

When these moments come, how will we deal with them?

A friend of my daughter Joy captures this. Let’s hear from Lesley Miller who shares with transparency the trouble she and her husband Jonathan recently went through:

My life changed rapidly one afternoon last fall. I’d been pacing the house waiting for Jonathan’s phone call about his test results. And when it came, and he said “Cancer,” I collapsed into my chair and fell apart.

I remember sobbing the tears that don’t let you catch your breath; the kind that make you gasp for air and wail in such a way you don’t recognize your own primal sounds. Rocking back and forth, I stared at the blackboard on our kitchen wall. It read, “Sun is shining, weather is sweet, makes you want to move your dancing feet.” I’d written the Bob Marley lyric in August, after I’d given birth to Anna. We’d been living in a dizziness of warmth since her arrival that I’d never felt before, and certainly didn’t think would end so abruptly… Click here for Lesley’s entire story...

~Emerson

FAQ: WE HAVE A BLENDED FAMILY

Question:  My husband and I have a blended family with a total of 4 children, ranging in ages from 10-19.  Prior to our marriage 2 years ago, everyone got along pretty well, but lately my teenagers have given us some trouble.  My husband has not dealt with teenagers before and he finds them very disrespectful.  I see him withdrawing more and more from them and even worse, from me.  I have read your book, Love & Respect, and I agree with the principles.  How can I apply it in this situation?

 

Answer:  When a couple marries and has children, parenting problems are inevitable as we all have different ideas and backgrounds from which we parent.  But in the blended family, it becomes even more complicated and emotional.  Of utmost importance is that the two of you decide on your parenting plan and the boundaries around who does what.  You must present a united front to your children or they will take advantage of any weak link they can find.

As for applying Love and Respect to your situation, the principle is the same:  your husband’s deepest need is for respect, and when he feels disrespected he will tend to act in unloving ways, in this case by withdrawing.  Your respect for him is all the more important, but beyond that, there is the issue of your children’s disrespect.  This is an opportunity for you to teach your children this principle. 

 

Because they are teenagers does not let them off the hook!  Yes, it is “typical” for adolescents to resist parental involvement, but these years give us many teachable moments.  Respect for their stepfather is something you can teach them and insist upon, even if they do not agree with him.  For example, there is a respectful way to disagree with someone in authority and you can effectively teach and model this to your children.  This is a lesson they need as they navigate life. 

 

Beyond that, be aware of the common pitfalls amongst blended parents – and I am speaking to all step-parents here, male and female.  Do you consistently put your children’s needs above your spouse’s?  Do you support your wife or husband when your children are disrespectful or do they “get by” with being disrespectful to your spouse?  Above all, don’t pit your children against your spouse! Some of this can be quite subtle, yet devastating.

 

Finally, it is not unusual for disillusionment to set in when the reality of raising a blended family hits. Be sure to plan time alone together so that you can develop your relationship as husband and wife, not just parents.  Learn to disengage from the stress of parenting and reconnect as friends.
 

Emerson

In Marriage, We Will Have Trouble!

I even go so far as to say that God has designed conflict in marriage.

Yes, God desires that we all live in harmony, but that doesn’t mean we will live in an environment free from all conflict (or trouble). 

But conflict itself is not sin. 

God designed us with differing preferences.  In marriage, husbands and wives have different preferences that are not sin issues…they are simply differences.  How we deal with these differences can lead to sin rather than harmony….but having differences (i.e. conflicting preferences) does not mean we aren’t living in harmony. 

It is how we deal with those conflicts that will either lead to harmony or sin.

In 1 Corinthians 7:28 the Apostle Paul says that we will have "trouble" if we marry.  Marriages bring trouble. That comes as no surprise to those of us who are married! But Paul does not label this "trouble" as evidence of sin or the result of sin per se. His very point is that if you marry, you have not sinned.

In other words, marriage brings troubles, and those troubles are inevitable.  If you marry, get ready for troubles.  He does not pass judgment on this trouble as evil or sinful.

So what does he mean by trouble?  Earlier he illustrated exactly what he means by trouble. Every text has a context!

1Co 7:3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

1Co 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

When saying the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does, and the wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does, he is talking of the sexual relationship. 

What is Paul saying?  Paul is getting real.  Paul is saying, to paraphrase, "Look, you are going to have trouble in your marriage when it comes to sex.  On Tuesday night when the husband wants sex and the wife does not want sex, who decides?  Get ready for trouble.  Or, if the wife wants sex and the husband does not want sex, who decides?  Get ready for trouble.   In this text, both have equal authority in the sexual realm.

So - some, not all, conflict or trouble is the result of God's design and is in keeping with his will, and therefore we should not freak out when it happens.  This is the good news. We should not panic, feeling we made a mistake in marrying this person because we have these ongoing troubles.  If these troubles are not evil but the typical conflicts day by day, you are very much in God's will. 

Don't bail out.  Don't say your marriage isn't working because of these frustrations.  Instead, focus on dealing with those conflicts in a way that leads to harmony, not sin.

~Emerson