Your Anniversary: Romantic – Or Just Another Day?

Celebrating a wedding anniversary seems to be an area that magnifies the pink and blue differences between husbands and wives. We recently received the following question from a wife, which pretty much sums it up:

How do men want us to celebrate our Wedding Anniversary?  It seems that my expectation of having a romantic celebration ends up with me extremely disappointed and unfortunately disrespecting my husband out of ignorance.  My husband has said in the past that he just wants it to be like any other day.  Hmmm.  How do we handle these situations where pink and blue obviously have different expectations?  I want to do it "right" when our anniversary rolls around in three months.

I love this wife’s heart.  She’s asking the right questions!  But as a man, I’m going to take the liberty of speaking for her husband. 

When a man says he wants it to be just like any other day I doubt that he means that there should be nothing special whatsoever.  Instead, he probably means, “Please don’t have expectations of me that end up causing us to have a fight which we don’t have on normal days. Can’t we approach this in a way that doesn’t make me feel like I will inevitably disappoint you?” 

She of course is devastated by his comment but he is trying to prevent the pattern he has come to recognize. We decide planning no celebration is better than if we try and fall short. We don’t know how to read your minds, and if we try, we get it wrong…and somehow your deep disappointment hurts us more than if you just think we’re forgetful or unromantic.

Should husbands be a bit more romantic? In most cases, yes!  More on that next time.  But for now, take a look at this video where I describe what can happen between two good willed people on their Fifth Wedding Anniversary.

~Emerson

What if We Are an Exception to Pink and Blue? Part 2

Photo Credit

In the next several weeks, I’ll share with you the most frequently asked questions we get at Love & Respect Ministries.  Last week I responded to the concern of those who feel like they are an exception to the “pink and blue” analogy I often use.  

Here’s how one young couple learned to unpack their unique conflict style and turn it into a win-win: 

My wife and I, who have been married since 2009 have been incredibly blessed by Love & Respect. During our engagement we watched the L&R video conference and it was life changing. It was especially life changing for me because I could nail down why I was feeling the way I did during even the smallest of conflicts…One thing that we did notice is how different we are in some areas that are typically generalized for men and women. In the conference and book, Dr. Eggerichs talks about how men stonewall and women confront during a disagreement. Well, our marriage has proved to be very different; I guess we could be considered a minority.

During a disagreement I am the confronter and my wife is the stonewaller. When she feels unloved she needs time and space to process, and goes off into another room. I, on the other hand, tend to chase after her trying to resolve the issue. Through our time together we've learned to adjust to how the other responds.

I am proud to be a “minority,” but am also thankful that we learned our differences and how to apply them through L&R. We're both stubborn and get defensive very quickly in a disagreement, but are both aware of our flaws and tend to resolve our issues shortly after they begin. We are a volatile couple and are thankful because it just increases our love and respect for each other after every bout we have. We thank God for introducing us to L&R and for continually reminding us both what the other needs, unconditionally. (JS)

I always love hearing from young couples who figure this stuff out early in their marriage! But even if you’ve been married over 35 years like me and Sarah, you can keep learning how to make your marriage better. Conflict will always be a part of relationships, but focusing on the Love & Respect connection helps us minimize and resolve these conflicts more effectively.

~Emerson

WOMEN, TRY SOME “SHOULDER TO SHOULDER” TIME!

Women often express, "I dream of my husband and me having an emotional connection. I want to know his heart and feelings, and for him to know mine. I want him to listen to me and understand me. I have tried to discuss my needs with him but he doesn’t seem to get it, and I can see him getting discouraged when I surface this issue with him.”

Maybe I can offer some thoughts.

Study male friendship. Look at how men interact with each other and then look at how women interact with each other. Women get together and talk about their heart issues and relationships. They get together for that purpose. Men, on the other hand, get together to do or watch some activity. As these men do shoulder to shoulder activities with a good friend, they relax and feel comfortable to talk about the deeper issues confronting them. They do not do this with every man with whom they do shoulder to shoulder activities, but only those with whom they experience a special camaraderie and trust.

With your man, try spending time just "being together" without an agenda to talk or interact. Yes, I know that appears to be a waste of time. If you can’t talk face to face, sitting shoulder to shoulder watching a football game seems silly. However, that's thinking about your relationship with your pink brain. There's nothing wrong with your pink brain. God made you this way and it is good in his sight. God also made your husband to think about things with his blue brain! If you want your husband to experience a sense of bonding with you, you have to give him shoulder to shoulder time. For some reason, when you do this authentically, your husband opens up various compartments to you. That does not mean spend 15 minutes with him and then turn to him and say “Talk to me.” This is not some formula to get him to meet your emotional needs. This is a way of respecting who he is as an end in itself, but a byproduct is that when he feels more confident about your friendship -- that you like him -- he typically shares more of what's going on inside of him.

If you pressure your husband to talk face to face and he feels the nature of the conversation is negative or critical, he loses energy to respond. Why? You never used to be this way. Think back to when you were dating. He saw you as someone fun to be with, and someone who liked him for who he was. He saw you as a positive, friendly person rather than a woman who had expectations of him to perform in a certain way in order to make her happy.

So, do you just put a sock in your mouth and watch football with him and never talk? No, you reach across the aisle and do the shoulder to shoulder activities. See it as something that fills his respect tank, and when you fill his respect tank, he turns to you and says something from his heart. And, he’ll listen to your heart. If you look around at those couples that really enjoy each other, I predict this wife gets this. She has made a decision to give her husband shoulder to shoulder time, and at some point (never as quickly as she wants) her husband turns to her face to face and talks. He might even ask, “So how are you feeling?” It is actually kinda simple once you understand the blue brain.