What if We Are an Exception to Pink and Blue? Part 2

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In the next several weeks, I’ll share with you the most frequently asked questions we get at Love & Respect Ministries.  Last week I responded to the concern of those who feel like they are an exception to the “pink and blue” analogy I often use.  

Here’s how one young couple learned to unpack their unique conflict style and turn it into a win-win: 

My wife and I, who have been married since 2009 have been incredibly blessed by Love & Respect. During our engagement we watched the L&R video conference and it was life changing. It was especially life changing for me because I could nail down why I was feeling the way I did during even the smallest of conflicts…One thing that we did notice is how different we are in some areas that are typically generalized for men and women. In the conference and book, Dr. Eggerichs talks about how men stonewall and women confront during a disagreement. Well, our marriage has proved to be very different; I guess we could be considered a minority.

During a disagreement I am the confronter and my wife is the stonewaller. When she feels unloved she needs time and space to process, and goes off into another room. I, on the other hand, tend to chase after her trying to resolve the issue. Through our time together we've learned to adjust to how the other responds.

I am proud to be a “minority,” but am also thankful that we learned our differences and how to apply them through L&R. We're both stubborn and get defensive very quickly in a disagreement, but are both aware of our flaws and tend to resolve our issues shortly after they begin. We are a volatile couple and are thankful because it just increases our love and respect for each other after every bout we have. We thank God for introducing us to L&R and for continually reminding us both what the other needs, unconditionally. (JS)

I always love hearing from young couples who figure this stuff out early in their marriage! But even if you’ve been married over 35 years like me and Sarah, you can keep learning how to make your marriage better. Conflict will always be a part of relationships, but focusing on the Love & Respect connection helps us minimize and resolve these conflicts more effectively.

~Emerson

BRILLIANT OBSERVATIONS BY TWO MEN!

On the loveandrespect.com Forum a father, and husband, writes, “I had an amazing revelation into the pink mind yesterday, thanks to my 5-year-old daughter. My wife was working, and my daughter and I had gone to church, then to some friends’ house for lunch. We returned home about 2:30 to find the back gate open and her little Boston Terrier nowhere to be found.

“I broke the news to her as gently as possible and she was so brave! We got back into the car and drove the neighborhood for a couple of miles each direction, but no dog anywhere. When we came back home, I went over to the neighbor’s house to see if they had seen her, and they hadn’t, but promised to keep an eye out for her. That’s when my daughter really lost it and just started bawling. I honestly thought we had seen the last of the dog (it’s not a very common breed around here, and they are very hard to find), but we prayed and asked Jesus to bring the dog home.

“We made some signs and posted them in the neighborhood, and about an hour later, we got a call from a lady about ½ mile away. Our dog had followed her son home, and they had her. Needless to say, my daughter was overjoyed! We went and got the dog, and then were going to the neighbor’s house to tell them we had found her. On the way, my daughter said ‘make sure you tell them the WHOLE story!!’ I said ok, and we knocked on the door. I told them that we had put up signs, and that someone had found her and called. We said bye to the neighbors and went home, and my daughter was very upset with me.

“’You didn’t tell them the WHOLE story!!!’

“I asked her what she meant. She said, ‘I said tell them the whole story… We drove through the whole neighborhood, we couldn’t find the dog, we asked Jesus to help us find the dog, I started crying really hard, we made signs and drove all around putting them up, we came back home, we ate a bunch of candy to make me feel better, I played with my toys for a while, then we laid down for a few minutes, then the phone rang, and it was the lady who found the dog, then we got back in the car and drove to her house, and we got the dog, then we drove back home’….. You didn’t tell them the WHOLE story!!!’

“If my wife would have done that to me, I would have gotten aggravated, thinking ‘I told them the whole story. We put up signs and found the dog. That’s the whole story in a nutshell, and they don’t care about all of the details.’ But coming from my little pink 5-year-old, it really struck home with me. She’s pink, and she really cares about all the juicy details of an otherwise pretty simple story. It made me chuckle, but it also made me think. When my wife presses me for details, she may not be prying, she might just be wanting to know all of the details because she’s pink and she’s just like that.

“God, help me to be more understanding and recognize that the pinks in my life need me to understand them and speak their language. Help me to not be defensive, but to realize that I have a deficiency in understanding their needs and make-up, and use these times to reach out and try to know them better, so I can better meet their needs and be the father and husband You want me to be.”

Another father chimed in on the Forum, “A little light bulb moment from the above for me: When you're a fan of something - this is pink or blue, I believe - we want to know the whole story. How many of you guys want to hear or watch detail of the game, or the car-rebuilding show, or that "super weapons" technical show on Discovery? How many of you can spout off sports stats or the specs of a fighter jet or a golf course? Our women - wives or girlfiends or daughters - are our fans - or they should be. They want to know everything about us. They want to know the whole story, all the details. When we snub them, we come off like a celebrity sneering at a waiting fan - and they are crushed. If we crush them a few times, they won't be our fans for long...then we wonder why?”

Brilliant observations gentlemen! Brilliant.