Can You Do This?

Sarah and I have just finished an exciting fall season with seven conferences all over the country and Canada. We are so grateful for each and every person who attended.  The testimonies of lives changed, marriages transformed, and commitments made have humbled us.  We are rejoicing!

Now I want to encourage all of you to stay the course. It would be entirely normal if your old habits of communicating were rearing their ugly heads at this juncture!  But…you don’t need to give in to your past reactions.  Oh, I understand that you will fail at this, as Sarah and I also fail.  But may I encourage you to persevere and fight against those old reactions with a renewed energy?  You can do this!

As you move forward...

For you husbands, Proverbs 12:16 declares, "A fool's anger is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor."

This verse says that a fool spouts off in anger when feeling dishonored.  On the other hand, a prudent man when feeling dishonored absorbs the hurt and contains his anger.  He knows that exploding in anger will not motivate his wife to show more honor.  That’s an unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

I see you men as prudent men who refuse to let the feelings of dishonor light an explosive fuse.  I also know you are human, and you may fail at this. No doubt you have had moments when you feel dishonored.  Even so, take the hit.  Conceal it.  And, then… move on.  Don't get angry.  

But if you fail in this, get back up!  And remember, an apology goes along way with your wife.

As for you wives, Proverbs 10:12 states, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions." 

You are loving women by nature.  If, though, you allow hate to surface in the face of your husband's failings, you will ignite strife.  The way of resolving some of this tension, according to this Proverb, is to allow your loving nature to cover certain transgressions.  

I am not saying to ignore all sin but the Bible teaches that at certain moments it is ok to overlook those things that frustrate us.  We are not failing God by moving on.  We can actually be obeying God. 

I am not saying that you enable your husband's willful and habitual sin.   Instead, my frame of reference are those moments when you are spitting mad at his self-focus, insensitivity to you, and lack of a positive godly pursuit.  During those times you need to take a step back and go quiet until you can address the situation respectfully and calmly.  Again, I understand you may fail at this.  Our humanness gets the best of all of us at times.  But when you do, get back up and resolve to do it differently the next time. For sure, when we do confront the sin, we need to do so from a loving and respectful demeanor.

Most of you demonstrated a desire and resolve to do the marital dance differently.  In those moments when it feels impossible, remember you have the Holy Spirit as your Helper.  Go to Him and ask for the strength and courage to do marriage God’s way.

Can you do this? I know you can, with God’s help!

With love and respect,

~Emerson

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What’s the Alternative to Love and Respect?

A critic states, "Love and respect is too simplistic for couples who have more serious problems." 

Yes, many couples have serious problems beyond love and respect.  However, those serious problems do not justify neglecting love and respect in favor of the alternative: hate and contempt.  Not only is hostility and disdain destructive of intimacy, such behavior opposes God's command to love and respect in marriage (Ephesians 5:33).

By way of analogy, a person may have a life-threatening cancer and needs to undergo radiation and chemotherapy.  This person has a grave situation.  However, the medical profession does not foolishly say, "Giving this person food and water is too simplistic since food and water do not directly solve this person's problem with a life-threatening cancer."   We all know that food and water do not directly remove the cancer threat.  However, telling the patient that they can ignore eating and drinking UNTIL AFTER they get the life-threatening cancer under control is to kill the patient!  Neglecting food and water is not a good idea when healing a patient, nor is neglecting love and respect in healing a marriage. 

When two people do not “eat” love and “drink” respect – but spew hate, contempt or even indifference– they will kill the marriage quicker than “more serious” problems will.  In order for a couple to address and solve addictions, affairs, and abuse they will need to develop a degree of discipline in coming across with a loving and respectful demeanor - the fundamental attitudes necessary to solve serious issues.

No one claims that showing love and respect in the midst of overwhelming obstacles is easy, nor is it an absolute shield against threatening conditions.  But evidencing the alternatives – hate and contempt - serve as deathblows to the stability, satisfaction, and survival of the marriage. 

When she feels his hostility and when he feels her contempt, this becomes the most serious of all problems.  Let’s illustrate this.  A husband and wife are having serious financial difficulties. If through the budgeting process to get out of financial debt, a husband habitually shows hostility and a wife continually shows contempt, they will end up with more serious marriage problems even when the debt is resolved. Who among us grows intimate with someone we think has nothing but hate and contempt for who we are as human beings even though we succeed together at solving a financial crisis?  Once we get through the crisis, the relationship ends.

Not only does the word of God command a husband to love and a wife to respect in Ephesians 5:33, research and common sense tell us that love and respect are like food and water.  Consequently, if we hold off on applying love and respect because it is too simplistic in light of more serious problems are we bringing death to the marriage by yanking the life-support?  Remember the alternatives!

~Emerson




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