Your Children are Watching…

Enthusiastic Young People Embrace L&R in Slovenia 

If you are married and have children, remember your kids are watching.

One couple who came to a Love & Respect event as a last attempt to save their marriage, started reading the couple’s devotional together (The Love & Respect Experience) when they returned home. Soon after, their 4 year old son said, “Daddy, when I have a wife, I want to read that book with her just like you do with Mommy!” His Mom told us that previously he would get very upset when they argued. Now, when he senses even a little tension he tells them, “Go read the book!”

Are you paying attention to how your behavior affects your little ones? How about your teenagers? Could the increased tension you sense from them be a result of the tension they feel between you and your spouse?

Every now and then I get an email from a teenager or young adult who want to know how they can help their parents get along. Their concern and anxiety over their parents’ fighting or indifference to one another is heart-wrenching. They ask me how they can get their parents to read the Love & Respect book or come to a conference.

I understand because I grew up in a home where my parents were often fighting. I have memories of this as young as two years old. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I would’ve been beside myself with joy if my parents had gone to a marriage conference during those tumultuous years!

That’s one of the reasons why I do what I do. And one of my greatest joys is when I hear a story of how a child or young adult brought their parents to a conference!

Recently, while in the country of Slovenia, a pastor from a local church relayed a story that warmed my heart. A teenaged brother and sister, who were new Christ-followers, were concerned for their parents who were having some difficult struggles. When they heard about the Love & Respect conference, they bought their parents tickets and “dragged them there.” Afterwards, their parents said “This night changed our lives. We are going to make this our project: to go through the Love & Respect book together!”

Their teenagers were ecstatic! But what got them most excited was when their parents kissed – something they had not seen them do in a very long time.

Yes, parents…even your teenagers are watching. They are not indifferent to your marriage.

I was encouraged in Slovenia, a country where the majority of couples choose to live together rather than marry, that young people came out in large numbers to hear this message on marriage. They are choosing a different path than their parents.

What kind of an example is your marriage? What can you do – today – to change your course?

Respectfully,
~Emerson

The Romance Game

Romance.  Women generally want more of it…and men feel pressured to deliver. Why does it remain so elusive? 

Last week I shared how our different expectations as men and women can really mess up a romantic anniversary celebration.  But this whole romance thing can get complicated for other reasons as well.

When we’re “in love” romance seems to be in abundance – for men and women.  Many wives I know are perplexed by the fact that their husbands seemed to be quite romantic when they were dating…but the romance fizzled pretty quickly after marriage.  Some would go so far as to say they feel duped.  Tricked.  Even “falsely led.” They thought they married a romantic guy and that at least a little of that would continue in their marriage.  But now he seems anything but romantic! Their disappointment turns into bitterness.

Other wives realize their men weren’t all that romantic during the dating period, but they at least made an attempt once in a while.  Now, they never seem to try at all.

Men are not without blame.  It’s true that we put our best foot forward when we’re dating – trying to win that woman of our dreams!  We are guilty of relaxing in our efforts after marriage, but this usually comes out of our contentment…not our complacency.  Whereas women have an expectation that the romance will continue, most men settle into a simple contentment.  We can appear as though we don’t care, though most of the time that’s not the case.  Still, we need to challenge ourselves to pay attention to the unique needs of our wives.  More on that next time.

Most of us were able to embrace our different needs more when dating.  So what changed?

I think that’s the right question to ask.  But I think we need to ask it of ourselves, not our mates.  How have I changed since marriage?  How am I relating to my spouse differently than I did when we were dating or early in our marriage?

One wife had an “aha” moment when she ran across an old note she wrote her husband.  She writes:  I came across an old card (saved by my husband!). It was when we first moved to a new state and I was pregnant. It was a very stressful time for the both of us.  I wrote in it how proud I was of him making the difficult decision to move and start a new job, etc…it was a respect card and I did not even realize it. When I found the card I was convicted. God was showing me that it wasn’t just my husband that changed. I blamed all of our issues on what I felt was his unloving behavior. I thought I was completely innocent of adding to our problems - I was surely the victim! As I read this card God gently reminded me that I freely gave respect to Mike when we dated and were newly married. I showed appreciation towards him and I encouraged him. He wasn’t the only one who stopped being loving. I stopped being respectful. Who started the downward spiral, only God knows. I am thankful for this message that tells us to keep up what we used to do!

Here’s the point.  Are we too busy blaming our spouse to see how we are contributing to the changes in our marriage?  We can throw stones or step back and ask what we have done to add to the negativity and loss of energy.

Furthermore, do we believe we can re-ignite things by not placing blame?  Instead of demanding our spouse do again what they did at the beginning, can we do again what we did at the beginning – even if it is 68% unfair to us? 

None of us are so weak and powerless that we have no influence.  How can we learn to leverage our influence rather than blaming our spouse for not reacting and responding as we wish they would?  Do we rush to throw our arms up in the air and declare, “Nothing works with you”?  Such a reaction reveals this is more about us than about an authentic interest in touching the need and soul of the one we love.

What do your reactions reveal about you?  I know your spouse is not without blame.  But you are not powerless to ignite change in your marriage.  What can you do to bring a little more romance back to your relationship?  Are you willing to go first?

~Emerson

HAVE YOU BEEN INFECTED WITH THE DISEASE OF LOVE AND RESPECT?

Many who attend the LOVE AND RESPECT CONFERENCE get infected with the real disease. They are so infected that when they sneeze they are contagious. They infect others! In other words, they are so excited about the LOVE AND RESPECT MESSAGE that when they share how the LOVE AND RESPECT MESSAGE has changed their marriage, they create tremendous enthusiasm among their listeners.

I read another story along that line. In the LOVE AND RESPECT WORKBOOK, I share that a leader's guide is available to use for a small group. Everyday people e-mail for that leader's guide. When they request the leader's guide, they share a brief testimony. Today I read about a leader who was impacted by the testimony of someone who attended the live LOVE AND RESPECT CONFERENCE. They were so impacted by this testimony that they decided to host their own small group. Here is what Julie said:


"I had a girlfriend that attended one of your conferences and couldn't stop talking about how it changed her marriage. I thought this would be a great thing to lead in our church growth groups. I kept feeling the calling to teach this and we currently are going to be leading this group in a few weeks. I ordered the DVD's and my husband and I are watching them and doing the workbook. I'm so excited to see my own marriage change along with the other couples that will be in our group." Julie

One person sneezed and infected a leader, who will now infect others with the real disease of love and respect.

Have you attended a LOVE AND RESPECT CONFERENCE or have you read the LOVE AND RESPECT BOOK? Are you excited about the change in your marriage?

Please sneeze!

© 2008