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Photo Credit - Sarah Oskay |
It's communication, right?
As we study letters and emails from
thousands of spouses, the common thread that runs through almost all of them is
that, in one way or another, the number one problem in marriage is
communication …or the lack thereof!
I disagree.
It would be easy to deduce that
communication is the key to marriage, but I don’t agree. To say that
communication is the key to marriage is to assume that both spouses speak the
same language.
We speak
different languages.
After more than three decades of pastoring,
counseling married couples, and conducting marriage conferences, I have learned
that the wife speaks a “love language” and the husband speaks a “respect
language.” They don’t realize this, of course, but because he is speaking one kind
of language (respect) and she is speaking another (love), there is little or no
understanding and little or no communication.
My wife Sarah and I learned that we speak different
languages through practical personal experience. While we had a good marriage,
we still struggled with irritation, anger, and plenty of hurt feelings. Often we
just couldn’t communicate, but we didn’t know why.
A lot of the time it seemed that indeed we
were speaking different languages, but we had no idea what to do about it. It
was frustrating - and embarrassing. After all, I was a pastor and should have had
the answer to something like this!
A command,
not a suggestion.
Fortunately, I finally found the answer - or,
more correctly, God revealed it to me - in a single passage of Scripture. Ephesians 5:33 says, “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the
wife must respect her husband” (NIV).
As I pondered God’s clear command (not
suggestion) in Ephesians 5:33, I uncovered what I came to call the “Love and Respect Connection.”
I am commanded to love Sarah because she needs love; in fact, she “speaks
love.” Love is the language she understands.
But when I speak to her in unloving ways, her
tendency is to react with disrespectful words.
Sarah is commanded to respect me because I
need respect; in fact, I “speak respect.” Respect is the language I understand.
But when she speaks to me in disrespectful ways, my
tendency is to react with unloving words.
Round and round we would go in a Crazy Cycle, each saying things that were the exact
opposite of what was needed!
The love and
respect connection.
I finally figured out that the opposite
would also be true: if I would speak loving words to Sarah, she would usually respond with
words of respect. And if she spoke words of respect to me, I would usually
respond more lovingly to her!
Bingo! Communication problems solved, right? Well,
sort of.
We had a
major breakthrough.
These changes were not easy or automatic. We
took baby steps at first, but soon we were making progress, and eventually we
had a major breakthrough.
As I spoke Sarah’s mother tongue of love and
Sarah spoke my mother tongue of respect, we became friends who shared mutual understanding. For years we had been like a Russian and
an Israeli, speaking our different languages. All we did was get louder as we
tried to get our respective points across!
But as we began to learn each other’s
vocabulary – as I learned some of her love language, and she learned some of my
respect language – amazing things happened. Not only did we start understanding
each other (in many ways for the first time), but our communication improved dramatically.
Women need respect and men need love.
Let me interject here…because I talk about a woman’s deepest need for
love, and a man’s deepest need for respect, I sometimes get the comment from
women, “Well, I need respect too!” To
which I reply, “Absolutely!”
Just because a woman most often speaks a love language, does not mean
she doesn’t desire respect. And just because a man most often speaks the
language of respect, does not mean he has no need for love. Love
and respect will interact and flow back and forth on both sides in order for a
marriage to stay energized.
Mutual
understanding leads to good communication.
Does this mean your marriage will be
completely free of stress, disagreement, and tension? Of course not.
We are human
just like you.
Sarah and I still argue over some of the
same old things; we still get irritated with each other for certain habits and
practices. We are human and often fail, just like you! But now we know how to
communicate with each other and deal with our problems. We don’t know it all,
but we know a great deal more than we did before we discovered the connection
between love and respect.
If you’re like most couples, your
communication can improve. Are you willing to learn your spouse’s
language?
Let’s get
started!
Husbands: Choose one thing you know speaks
love to your wife, and do it today.
Wives: Think of one thing you respect about
your husband and tell him today.
Love for her…respect for him. That’s mutual
understanding!
Emerson