Who is the Mature One?

I often challenge couples by saying, “The mature one goes first.” 

It is much easier to sit back and say, “Well Emerson, I would be more loving if my wife was more respectful!” Or, “Why should I show my husband respect when he is treating me in an unloving way?”  

Of course it is easier to be obedient to God in our marriage when our husband or wife is also being obedient. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

So who goes first?

My answer:  the mature one.

How do you know if you are the mature one? Let me put it this way.  I can tell you if you are the immature one.

The immature person uses this information not to change themselves, but to try to change their spouse. Their whole mindset is to get their spouse to be more loving or respectful rather than trying to be more loving or respectful themselves. They do not believe that they have the power to influence their spouse, but instead see their spouse as having all the power to influence them. Therefore they must change their spouse in order to be happy.

The immature person lacks obedience to God's commands. Instead their mission is to get their spouse to obey God's command toward them. Bottom line, the Lord will not honor that and a spouse is not going to respond to that any more than if the roles were reversed.

The mature person, on the other hand, will do their part to improve the marriage, even if it means putting their own feelings aside. They will choose obedience to God’s commands over their own feelings and over their circumstances.  That’s because they understand the nature of God:  He is a good God, whose commands are given to help us, not to harm us.

Let me also add that the mature one does not tell their disobedient spouse that they are immature. Nor do they throw it around that they are doing all of these loving or respectful things because of their maturity. That would be immature – and counterproductive! Shaming or condemning your spouse for their immaturity is really a reflection of your own immaturity. The mature spouse displays their loving or respectful actions with a humble heart.

Which are you in your relationship?  The mature one – or the immature one?

If you have hesitated to step out in faith and honor God in your marriage, trust His word and His character. Trust that He would not ask you to do something foolish. He is too wise for that. Be the mature one and make the first loving or respectful move. It could change everything!

~Emerson

SELLING BRASS KNUCKLES TO MOTHER TERESA

I love how people apply the Love and Respect message. There is something about this message -- or subpoints of this message -- that bring about life change in people. Sarah and I continue to be overjoyed and grateful to God.

A husband writes, "My church held a conference here in Vancouver BC Canada with your DVDs. Just before that I was having a hard time in my relationship with my wife. Your views on relationships and what God expects of us through Ephesians was astounding. It changed us and our relationship went from constant nagging and fighting to realizing that my response IS my responsibility. I find myself constantly going back to that -- in all situations that get heated between us. Its gradually gotten better and better. It wasn't over night, and I failed at it many times, but it echoed in my head each and every time ("my response is my responsibility"). So I thank you for all your hard work and instruction using the Bible. I have even suggested this info to some other ppl I know that are not Christian and it opened new doors for them too. Dunno if they will become Christian but it provided an avenue to answers they had not taken into consideration."

At the Love and Respect conference I point out that when a couple gets on the Crazy Cycle (without love she reacts without respect and without respect he reacts without love) that in order to get off the crazy cycle the one who sees himself or herself as the most mature moves first. (We all want our spouse to move first by stopping their unloving or disrespectful reactions before we do!).

That begs the question: how do I know if I'm the mature one? One sign of maturity is owning up to this truth: my response is my responsibility. In other words, my spouse is not causing me to react in unloving or disrespectful ways on the Crazy Cycle. Instead my spouse is revealing my unloving or disrespectful reactions on the Crazy Cycle. OUCH!

At first, that phrase (my response is my responsibility) is intimidating. However, as we see with this husband once he subscribed to this truth, the nature of his marriage changed for the better. Actually, his maturity of owning up to his own reactions gave him benevolent power and influence in the relationship. But up to this time he didn't know that he could influence his wife this way. Sadly, he thought he exercised power and influence by making his wife responsible for his responses! How foolish to think blame works! But when he demonstrated maturity by taking ownership for his own unloving reactions, his wife allowed herself to be influenced by his mature reactions, which she perceived as loving. The same holds true for a wife toward her husband. When she demonstrates maturity by taking ownership for her own disrespectful reactions, her husband allows himself to be influenced by her mature reactions, which he perceives as respectful.

As indicated by this husband, this positive change did not happen immediately nor was it easy. But over time something good began to happen.

Having said this, Sarah and I don't like the phrase "my response is my responsibility." To say that we hate that phrase is a bit strong, but at times we hate it!!! Truth be told, we all hate that phrase. Blaming Sarah for my unloving reactions is so much easier. But here's the deal. Holding Sarah responsible for my responses is completely ineffective. In other words, though I don't like the phrase "my response is my responsibility", the alternative explodes in my face. Both Sarah and I discovered that holding each other responsible for our own responses is as effective as selling brass knuckles to Mother Teresa.

Some things just don't work. Have you discovered that some things just don't work?

Copyright by Emerson