What To Do When Your Marriage Doesn't Work

Photo Credit: Brook Mosser

I hear often from discouraged husbands and wives who say their marriage simply does not work. They feel they have tried everything – even love and respect – and it didn't work. They are ready to give up.

If this describes you, are you willing to try a new approach? 

But my spouse doesn't respond!

What is your worst fear in marriage? Is it that you will do all you can to love and respect unconditionally but your spouse will not respond? If so, you are not alone in that fear. After all, it takes two, right? And if your spouse has already given up, there is nothing left to do.

Technically, that may be true. If one partner has determined in their heart that nothing…NOTHING…is going to change his/her mind and they are hell-bent on pursuing their own selfish ends, such a marriage might not be saved. People do betray, like Judas betrayed Jesus. That’s why adultery is so destructive. Infidelity betrays.

On the other hand, who truly knows a person’s heart but God? An angry, hurt person may do things they truly don’t want to do in their deepest heart. Though the person appears hardened, they may be protecting their real feelings. Thus, what seems hopeless is not hopeless to God. The Lord sees underneath. He sees this person’s feelings of insecurity and insignificance.

So what can you do?

First of all, if you feel fear and hopelessness taking over, pray against this fear. 1 Peter 3:6 tells us to do what is right without being frightened by any fear. If you aren’t sure how to pray about this, go to a Pastor of a Bible believing church and ask him to pray with you.

Secondly, don’t give up! Things don’t change overnight. Don’t think that when you try a new approach, such as unconditional love and respect, that your spouse will respond immediately. For example, if trust has been broken, it will take time to rebuild the trust.

Let me add, I am not saying that you should stay in an abusive situation where you or your children are in danger! That is another issue entirely. I am also not telling you to roll over and ignore sin. To read what I have to say about abuse and sinful behavior, click here.

Things may get worse before they get better.

In some cases things appear to get worse when love and respect is applied. The receiving spouse is skeptical and even angry that his/her spouse is switching behavior and then expecting immediate forgiveness for all the past pain. Or he/she is afraid to believe in the change for fear of being let down and hurt even more.

Be honest. If your spouse has hurt you for 5, 10, 15 years and then suddenly changes his/her behavior, would you trust that he/she has changed overnight? Or even in a month? Probably not.

May I challenge you even further? In those cases when you feel unconditional love or unconditional respect has failed to impact your spouse, can you honestly say you were consistent in your behavior? I am not suggesting perfection…none of us can do this perfectly! But think of it this way: are you consistently making more loving and respectful deposits than unloving and disrespectful withdrawals?

Admit when you fail.

Learning new ways of responding (and not reacting) is hard work. Old habits die hard, and they often flare up when we least expect them to…like rolling the eyes or mumbling “whatever” under our breath. But these old habits can be the death blow to your spouse who may use it as proof that you haven’t changed at all. So when you fail...and you will fail...admit it to your spouse, and try, try again. Make some more deposits. Over the long haul, your spouse will recognize your efforts but you must stay the course.

There is no IF.

When you love or respect unconditionally, you are following God and His will for you. Ultimately, your spouse and your marriage have nothing to do with that decision.

I know that sounds crazy! But hear me out. The command in Ephesians 5:33 does not say “Love your wife IF she respects you.” Nor does it say, “Respect your husband IF he loves you.” When you obey the command in Ephesians 5:33 to love your wife or respect your husband, you are simply demonstrating your obedience and trust in the face of an unlovable wife or a disrespectable husband.

Jesus said, “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?” (Matthew 5:46). Jesus could have had your troubled marriage in mind when He said that.

Everything you do counts.

I believe Paul also had your marriage in mind when he penned Ephesians 6:7-8: “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free” (NIV). Paul is saying that whatever we do as to the Lord we will receive back from the Lord. In marriage, everything you do counts, even if your spouse ignores you or does not love and respect you in return.

Live the Rewarded Cycle.

Unconditional love and unconditional respect will be rewarded. I call this the Rewarded Cycle. His Love Blesses Regardless of Her Respect; Her Respect Blesses Regardless of His Love.

If you are feeling alone in your marriage, and your spouse is not responding to your efforts, will you allow this to encourage you? You are not alone. Your efforts to love and respect unconditionally are not going unnoticed by God! He is for you and He WILL honor you for your obedience.

Will you begin to live in the Rewarded Cycle starting today?

Emerson

Are Love and Respect the Same Thing?

One wife, a strong-minded career woman, wrote to tell us how she and her husband were using the Love and Respect concepts and that, as a result, their Crazy Cycle had drastically slowed down.

A Wife Wrote…

My husband was able to see that when he would withdraw (often because I was disrespectful), I would feel abandoned or unloved. So I would go after him with a vengeance that would make a warrior cower . . . which would disrespect him and hurt him deeply, causing him to withdraw even more —the whole “Crazy Cycle.” But he, for the first time, was willing to see that he had acted “unlovingly.” He was able to own some part of it. I think he was able to see that I was more delicate (even though I try really hard to sell my strength to everyone, including him) and that I do need him and want his support and strength. I asked him to forgive me for being so disrespectful. We have been talking and things have been gradually changing. Mutual understanding is setting in.

Love and Respect Was Lacking

This couple was able to discern that what started the Crazy Cycle spinning was a lack of love for her and a lack of respect for him.

But women often ask, “Aren’t love and respect the same thing?” I respond, “No, they aren’t. For instance, you respect your boss. You don’t love your boss.”

I Respect You But…

I have been in counseling sessions with couples, and with her mate sitting there listening, the wife will readily say, “I love my husband but don’t feel any respect for him.”

But when I turn this around and ask the wives how they would feel if they would hear their husbands say, “I respect you but don’t love you,” they are horrified. They exclaim, “I would be devastated.”

I asked one wife, “How long would it take you to get over that?”

She quickly answered, “Forever.”

Many wives would be up in arms upon hearing, “I respect you but don’t love you.” That is taboo! She would view her husband as a very unloving human being.

I Love You But…

Yet this same wife feels she can readily say to him, “I love you but don’t respect you.” What she doesn’t understand is that her husband is equally devastated by her comment and it also takes him “forever” to “get over it.”

The bottom line is that husbands and wives have needs that are truly equal. Both need love and both need respect. I believe that, and I teach that! But especially during conflict, she needs unconditional love, and he needs unconditional respect.

Are you willing to consider that your spouse has a need that is different, yet equally important?

Emerson

Excerpts taken from Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Bringing Love and Respect to Slovenia

Bled, Slovenia

Sarah and I had the unique privilege of traveling throughout the beautiful country of Slovenia last month, spreading the message of Love and Respect.  This little country borders on Austria, Hungary, Croatia, the Adriatic Sea and Italy.  Lush and green with forests covering more than half of its territory, the topography varies from the Alps to the Mediterranean.  The beauty is quite astounding!

Core Leadership Team

But of course even the beauty of the country paled in comparison to the people.  We were welcomed with warm open hearts at each of the events.  We were especially impressed with the local ministry leaders throughout the country – from pastors to missionaries to parachurch organizations.  They consistently serve with great patience and passion as they counter a culture that is spiritually dark.

Matjaz & Magdalena
Teen Challenge Directors

Dani & Vilma Siter
Catholic Family Life

This exceptional team of leaders prepared for two years for our arrival by translating the Love and Respect book and the Building Blocks Small Group series into the Slovenian language, training small group leaders, and spreading the word through every media outlet available...not to mention all the logistics of the events.  But what impressed us even more was their vision for strategic follow-up as they seek to water the seeds that have been planted.  With events held nearly every day for 17 days straight, we were able to minister to 4,000 people - unheard of in this country where churches are small in number and size.

Pastor Leon, Pastor Joze and Nada

Will you commit to praying for these amazing brothers and sisters?  Take a look at their joyful faces and join us in lifting them up as they continue to fight the good fight in Slovenia!


Serving with love and respect,

Emerson and Sarah

FAQ: WE HAVE A BLENDED FAMILY

Question:  My husband and I have a blended family with a total of 4 children, ranging in ages from 10-19.  Prior to our marriage 2 years ago, everyone got along pretty well, but lately my teenagers have given us some trouble.  My husband has not dealt with teenagers before and he finds them very disrespectful.  I see him withdrawing more and more from them and even worse, from me.  I have read your book, Love & Respect, and I agree with the principles.  How can I apply it in this situation?

 

Answer:  When a couple marries and has children, parenting problems are inevitable as we all have different ideas and backgrounds from which we parent.  But in the blended family, it becomes even more complicated and emotional.  Of utmost importance is that the two of you decide on your parenting plan and the boundaries around who does what.  You must present a united front to your children or they will take advantage of any weak link they can find.

As for applying Love and Respect to your situation, the principle is the same:  your husband’s deepest need is for respect, and when he feels disrespected he will tend to act in unloving ways, in this case by withdrawing.  Your respect for him is all the more important, but beyond that, there is the issue of your children’s disrespect.  This is an opportunity for you to teach your children this principle. 

 

Because they are teenagers does not let them off the hook!  Yes, it is “typical” for adolescents to resist parental involvement, but these years give us many teachable moments.  Respect for their stepfather is something you can teach them and insist upon, even if they do not agree with him.  For example, there is a respectful way to disagree with someone in authority and you can effectively teach and model this to your children.  This is a lesson they need as they navigate life. 

 

Beyond that, be aware of the common pitfalls amongst blended parents – and I am speaking to all step-parents here, male and female.  Do you consistently put your children’s needs above your spouse’s?  Do you support your wife or husband when your children are disrespectful or do they “get by” with being disrespectful to your spouse?  Above all, don’t pit your children against your spouse! Some of this can be quite subtle, yet devastating.

 

Finally, it is not unusual for disillusionment to set in when the reality of raising a blended family hits. Be sure to plan time alone together so that you can develop your relationship as husband and wife, not just parents.  Learn to disengage from the stress of parenting and reconnect as friends.
 

Emerson

FAQ: My Husband is a Workaholic

 

Question:  My husband is a workaholic. Work comes before me and the kids. Your first point in CHAIRS is to admire and respect his desire to work.  If I compliment him on his work, won't I just be encouraging him to work more?  

Answer:  First, I caution that I cannot guarantee that what I have to say will automatically get a husband to quit working so many hours and be at home a lot more. However, in counseling many couples in this situation, I have made three observations that usually help a wife deal with the situation in a more positive way.

First, to influence him directly, respectfully say, “Your children (daughter, son) need you at home more. You have a unique influence on them. In certain areas, nobody matters to them as much as you do. It may not appear that way to you, but your positive presence has the power to mold them. I know you are swamped and have little time, but I also know that you want to give them that part of you that no one else can give to them. Thanks.”  If you do not have children, reiterate how important he is to you, and you miss having time with him.  However, keep this friendly and not whiny!

Second, you need not praise him for all the work he is doing away from home. In other words, don’t feel that you must respect what may be a negative obsession. Instead, look for non-work areas in which to express respect. Remember, you cannot devalue what he is doing at work in order to get him to value the family more. Do not say or imply, “I am not going to respect you until you start helping me and the children.” That is equal to having him say or imply, “I am not going to show you and the family any love until you start honoring me for what I do at work.” Disrespect never motivates love, and lack of love never motivates respect.

Finally, some husbands work because it is the place they feel respected. If a wife is negative, complaining, and disrespectful, what man wants to come home? A man does not hear the deeper cry of his wife’s heart when she makes a personal attack on him and his work. He does not hear, “Rescue me.” Instead he hears, “I despise you.” So he asks for (or chooses) overtime at work.

As hard as this is to hear, you will need to be patient and see this as a 6 month project. Give your husband time to bring some things at work to completion and to introduce “no” into his vocabulary on the job. Give him time to taste what it’s like to be an influence in his own home with his own children (not to mention you). Have confidence in God’s Word and allow time for the Holy Spirit to work.

Emerson

[Repost] New Beginnings

This week we anticipate the celebration of the greatest event in Christianity – the resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ, who died that we may have LIFE! This reality – that we have new life here on earth, followed by eternal life – is overwhelming. For the Christian, nothing compares!

New life in Christ means a new beginning - even in our marriage. In fact, the beauty of the gift of salvation is that each day is a new beginning. No longer do we need to live in self-condemnation, shame, and regret. These are replaced with forgiveness, joy, and hope! Even when we fall back into our old ways of behaving, forgiveness is extended to us. What an amazing gift!

Can we extend this gift of grace within the context of marriage? We first must give ourselves grace, as we inevitably “mess up” day after day. Don’t collapse in defeat. Remember, today is a new day - a new beginning - another chance to do it better.

You may have some wonderful short-term results applying the Love and Respect principles – and praise God for them! But overall we need to take the long view. Easy success unwisely relaxes us. We then get crushed when a new battle arises. Proverbs 24:16 says, “For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again.” The difference between couples with great marriages and those with bad marriages isn’t the absence of conflict. Successful couples rebound quickly and start again. Unsuccessful couples get discouraged and angry and withdraw into stubbornness, refusing to start over. They close off to God and one another.

Satisfying and stable marriages see failure as part of success. Hall of Fame batters miss 7 out of 10 times. Babe Ruth struck out more than anybody! But he didn’t quit. Successful couples do not let the loss of a battle drive them to the conclusion that they have lost the war. Nor do they let temporary victories lull them into a false sense of security.

It takes time to relearn behavior…to unconditionally respect your husband or to unconditionally love your wife…especially when he/she does not respond the way you would like. But God’s Word does not disappoint. He knows that we are naturally impatient creatures so He tells us to take heart and to be patient. Be especially encouraged because when you do what God wants you to do, you are sowing for the long term.

This is about reaping a glorious harvest because you took the time to plant things the right way and wait until the crops bore fruit. This is not about short-term control but about long-term fruitfulness.

Be patient! Today is a new day. Begin again…

Happy Easter!

Emerson and Sarah

*Originally posted 4-18-11

Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4DG8d

“I Prayed for God to Heal my Marriage” ~ Tony & Ginger Buffkin Video Testimony

Continuing our theme on the resurrection and healing power of God, meet Tony and Ginger. Be encouraged as they share how their broken marriage was restored. As Tony states, Love and Respect “is good, practical, down-to-earth advice.”

Listen as they share how these principles helped them see each other in a new way and how they made a conscious choice to do things differently.


 

Powerful Enough to Change Your Life

In last week’s blog, I addressed whether the biblical truth of Love and Respect is too simplistic for marriages that are in serious trouble. 

This week I share a testimony that beautifully communicates how love and respect, though simple, can powerfully transform a troubled marriage!  Read what can happen when just one spouse submits themselves to the transforming power of Jesus Christ and acts in obedience to His Word.

Wow – there is POWER available to us if only we believe!

This woman writes:

Several years ago I went from being a nominal Christian to a full-time lover of Jesus. However, my marriage was falling apart.  My husband disliked being around me.  He didn't talk to me for days on end.  He said numerous times that we were too different and that once the kids (4 & 6 at the time) were grown we would need to separate. 

Since my marriage was in tatters, I read what God had to say.  Being schooled into the feminist camp the words submission and submit in 1 Peter 3 and Ephesians 5 were very difficult to swallow.  However, I knew that I could not argue with the first real Love that I was experiencing and gave over to 1 Peter 3:1.  I had not been putting my husband first. I had to start focusing on home more.  I tried to honor my husband’s words when he spoke.

The love of Jesus was so full in me that I really was completely fine.  I was in a euphoric place for about 6 months after I became a Christian while my husband was watching me and wondering when it would end.  I had a reason to submit: to win him, as 1 Peter 3:1 said. 

After a while his demeanor changed towards me - he started to like me, said kind things to me, wanted to be around me. 

Then I heard a piece of your conference on the radio and it blew me away.  I was flabbergasted.  It was God's amazing timing.  The whole submit thing became easier to swallow once you described it as meeting a man’s need for respect.  Then it all started to make sense.  I was no longer doing it without knowing.  I started to use the word "respect" around him and it solidified his turn-around.  Respect was the HUGE key to him letting down his guard to trusting me and thereby trusting Jesus and letting Him in.  

She then describes a moment when she needed to draw the line with him on his pornography viewing.  She did so respectfully but she made it clear that she could not continue in the relationship the way it was.  Eventually he broke and allowed God complete control of his life.

She continues:

My husband is now completely changed and won over.  I don't even RECOGNIZE the man I married.  He is COMPLETELY different.  After 13 years I can finally say our marriage is truly like a dream.  It is unbelievable how tender and fun and honest and caring and loving and joyful and playful and kind and intimate and generous and forgiving and sincere and giving and wonderful our marriage is.  It is a MIRACLE.  My husband has embraced Jesus I truly believe as a direct result of Ephesians 5:22 and 1 Peter 3:1.

Friend, are you resisting complete surrender to Jesus Christ?  I submit to you that there is NO problem that is too big for God!  Love and Respect, applied with a heart that is completely submitted to Christ, is powerful enough to change your life!

~Emerson

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What’s the Alternative to Love and Respect?

A critic states, "Love and respect is too simplistic for couples who have more serious problems." 

Yes, many couples have serious problems beyond love and respect.  However, those serious problems do not justify neglecting love and respect in favor of the alternative: hate and contempt.  Not only is hostility and disdain destructive of intimacy, such behavior opposes God's command to love and respect in marriage (Ephesians 5:33).

By way of analogy, a person may have a life-threatening cancer and needs to undergo radiation and chemotherapy.  This person has a grave situation.  However, the medical profession does not foolishly say, "Giving this person food and water is too simplistic since food and water do not directly solve this person's problem with a life-threatening cancer."   We all know that food and water do not directly remove the cancer threat.  However, telling the patient that they can ignore eating and drinking UNTIL AFTER they get the life-threatening cancer under control is to kill the patient!  Neglecting food and water is not a good idea when healing a patient, nor is neglecting love and respect in healing a marriage. 

When two people do not “eat” love and “drink” respect – but spew hate, contempt or even indifference– they will kill the marriage quicker than “more serious” problems will.  In order for a couple to address and solve addictions, affairs, and abuse they will need to develop a degree of discipline in coming across with a loving and respectful demeanor - the fundamental attitudes necessary to solve serious issues.

No one claims that showing love and respect in the midst of overwhelming obstacles is easy, nor is it an absolute shield against threatening conditions.  But evidencing the alternatives – hate and contempt - serve as deathblows to the stability, satisfaction, and survival of the marriage. 

When she feels his hostility and when he feels her contempt, this becomes the most serious of all problems.  Let’s illustrate this.  A husband and wife are having serious financial difficulties. If through the budgeting process to get out of financial debt, a husband habitually shows hostility and a wife continually shows contempt, they will end up with more serious marriage problems even when the debt is resolved. Who among us grows intimate with someone we think has nothing but hate and contempt for who we are as human beings even though we succeed together at solving a financial crisis?  Once we get through the crisis, the relationship ends.

Not only does the word of God command a husband to love and a wife to respect in Ephesians 5:33, research and common sense tell us that love and respect are like food and water.  Consequently, if we hold off on applying love and respect because it is too simplistic in light of more serious problems are we bringing death to the marriage by yanking the life-support?  Remember the alternatives!

~Emerson




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