Who is the Mature One?

I often challenge couples by saying, “The mature one goes first.” 

It is much easier to sit back and say, “Well Emerson, I would be more loving if my wife was more respectful!” Or, “Why should I show my husband respect when he is treating me in an unloving way?”  

Of course it is easier to be obedient to God in our marriage when our husband or wife is also being obedient. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

So who goes first?

My answer:  the mature one.

How do you know if you are the mature one? Let me put it this way.  I can tell you if you are the immature one.

The immature person uses this information not to change themselves, but to try to change their spouse. Their whole mindset is to get their spouse to be more loving or respectful rather than trying to be more loving or respectful themselves. They do not believe that they have the power to influence their spouse, but instead see their spouse as having all the power to influence them. Therefore they must change their spouse in order to be happy.

The immature person lacks obedience to God's commands. Instead their mission is to get their spouse to obey God's command toward them. Bottom line, the Lord will not honor that and a spouse is not going to respond to that any more than if the roles were reversed.

The mature person, on the other hand, will do their part to improve the marriage, even if it means putting their own feelings aside. They will choose obedience to God’s commands over their own feelings and over their circumstances.  That’s because they understand the nature of God:  He is a good God, whose commands are given to help us, not to harm us.

Let me also add that the mature one does not tell their disobedient spouse that they are immature. Nor do they throw it around that they are doing all of these loving or respectful things because of their maturity. That would be immature – and counterproductive! Shaming or condemning your spouse for their immaturity is really a reflection of your own immaturity. The mature spouse displays their loving or respectful actions with a humble heart.

Which are you in your relationship?  The mature one – or the immature one?

If you have hesitated to step out in faith and honor God in your marriage, trust His word and His character. Trust that He would not ask you to do something foolish. He is too wise for that. Be the mature one and make the first loving or respectful move. It could change everything!

~Emerson

When All Hope Was Gone…a Husband Loves His Wife Back

If we listen to the culture, we could feel pretty hopeless about marriage. But those of us who are Christ followers, have HOPE – as the Johnson’s shared in my last blog. Allow me to share one more hope story…this time from a husband who had thrown his marriage away by failing to deal with his sin.

As a result of my abusive past 40 years ago with a myriad of issues I had never faced, I had become verbally abusive to a degree I had never been. God led me to heart-rending repentance and I experienced a healing of my heart in a way I had never experienced in my 30 + years as a "professing" Christian.  

But my marriage had failed. My wife had left me and candidly, she no longer had emotional feelings for me - and rightly so. We have lived apart since.  

Despite where I was and where we were, you challenged me to AGAPE my wife. As a result of this and God's miracles, this next weekend my wife and I are going away on a second honeymoon. I cannot accurately put into words the gratitude.  

I did not finish your book. Once I got to the section for wives (when we men can listen in), I stopped - for my focus has shifted to how I can serve my wife, not how I can grouse about how she is not serving me.  

God is still in the business of healing the broken hearted IF we are willing to participate in the process. God saved our marriage, and it is solidly based on the Rock and on the twin pillars of love & respect. (Anonymous) 

What sin are you holding onto in your life? Without a doubt, the enemy will attempt to use unresolved sin to destroy your marriage. Sin never brings us the satisfaction we are longing for. Deal with it today – and find real satisfaction through repentance and reconciliation! 

~ Emerson 

“If we say that we have no sin, 

we are deceiving ourselves 

and the truth is not in us. 

 If we confess our sins, 

He is faithful and righteous 

to forgive us our sins 

and to cleanse us 

from all unrighteousness.” 

~1 John 1:8, 9 NASB 

Easter ~ A Marriage Resurrected!

Dear Friends,

During this Easter season let's be reminded that the Resurrected Christ is able to bring a dead marriage back to life... 

Read this amazing story! ~Emerson

A Marriage Resurrected!

About 6 years ago my husband and I were in a terrible place in our marriage. We had just welcomed our 2nd child into our little family. Unfortunately she came into a not so healthy marriage/family. My husband and I were very unloving and disrespectful to each other and we were barely hanging in there.

When our daughter was 6 months old our marriage was rocked by infidelity and we separated. I was devastated and left with a precious 3 year old son and beautiful 6 month old baby girl. My biggest fear all my life was to be a single parent. I grew up in a broken home (actually never met my earthly father) and had several step-fathers. My husband also came from a broken home (his dad exited when he was a baby). It was a dark and depressing time in our lives. We were not attending church and honestly did not have a real relationship with Christ.

While we were separated a dear friend of mine suggested we meet with her small group leaders and by God’s great plan they had another couple there that my husband and I immediately connected with. At this time we both had divorce attorneys and had little hope. The couple that we connected with became Godly mentors to us. They kept in touch with us, encouraged us and always pointed us back to the Lord.

During this time I began going to church and was doing a lot of reading recommended by my mentor…I realized very quickly I had been disrespecting my husband since day one! It was a shot to the heart. I sat down, wrote him an email and asked for forgiveness for being so disrespectful...It was like blinders had been removed from my eyes. I was at a place of brokenness in understanding my huge part in where our marriage was and how I had hurt this man that I loved deeply. I quickly realized how controlling and disrespectful I had been; I also realized that type of behavior was what I had seen in my own family for years and had a deeper understanding of why my mother’s relationships always failed. I did not want to be a failure.

My husband began coming to church with me and God was doing an amazing work in him as well. I witnessed God break him down and rebuild him, me, and our family. It was a season of hard growth, forgiveness and witnessing miracles. It took about 2 years for us to come out of the storm; there were lots of good days and bad days until one day we looked around and the bad days were very far and few between.

We have since led the Love and Respect small group 8 times (around 100 couples)! This concept played a pivotal role in changing the tide in our marriage from divorce to reconciliation. We have started a new ministry in our church called Marriage Mentoring. We have an intense desire to help marriages, and we believe if two stubborn, selfish people like us could let God change our hearts, well anyone can!!

Your ministry helped save our marriage! If it was not for your book we would be unhappy, bitter, divorced parents continuing a legacy of divorce and a broken family to our beautiful children. The world is full of hurting marriages and if they could apply even a small amount of this message it would change the legacy we are leaving.

~Shannon & April

If you have a testimony of how the Love & Respect message 

has impacted your marriage, we invite you to share that with us here. 

Respectful Confrontation for the "Three A's"...

Photo Credit

Q: It seems like the principles of love and respect are too simplistic.  For example, how can you respect a spouse who is committing adultery, has addictions, or is abusive?

Dr E says:  Let’s not confuse unconditional love or respect with condoning sinful behavior! 

We must separate the sin from the sinner.  Jesus hates sin, yet he loves the sinner.  We are called to do the same. Jesus intends for us to care enough to confront sin.  As unpleasant as confrontation might prove to be, refusing to confront may prove more unpleasant.  A spouse’s sin might worsen. The cliché “forgiving is forgetting” might undermine God’s intention for you.  This is especially true when dealing with destructive behaviors such as adultery, addiction, and abuse. God’s Word does not advocate enabling sin but rather the opposite. The apostle Paul warns us to not participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead expose them. 

Possessing a forgiving spirit demonstrates Christlikeness but ignoring a spouse’s sin might evidence cowardice. How absurd for you to close your eyes to your spouse’s affair, abuse of the children, or cocaine use.  When you suppress the truth about your spouse’s sin, this does not constitute forgiveness.

However, the key is to confront the sin respectfully and lovingly, not with contempt or harshness, which always backfires. Contempt and harshness only heap more shame on the offending spouse, which drives them deeper into the sin as a way of escape.  So I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to do this with respect! 

But how? Your words, tone of voice, and nonverbal actions should all portray love and respect for your spouse who is created in the image of God. You see their heart that desires to be free, but is weakened by sin.  It is this person you respect, not the behavior that he/she falls into. 

Finally, remember that love and respect is not a magic bullet that erases all sin and conflict.  It is acting in obedience to God's word, regardless of the behavior of our spouse. But at the same time, NOT confronting sinful behavior can lead to enabling that behavior, allowing it to continue.

In my book, The Language of Love and Respect, I address these issues specifically in the Appendix entitled "Forgiving - but also Confronting - the Three A's: Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction."  Also in this book, I include a chapter on Good Will vs Evil Will, and Forgiveness.

In addition, I recommend that you turn to a pastor, a Christian counselor, or some other authority capable to assist.  Do not put this off.  Plan a way to confront the adultery, abuse or addiction.  There are many groups ready to serve you.

~Emerson

WHEN EACH STOPS BLAMING, LOOK OUT!

Have you ever played the blame game? If you are in a relationship, no doubt you have! Blaming others rather than looking at our own inadequacies is a natural part of our human nature. But I’ve noticed something powerful when working with couples: positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame-game!

As a couple, if you both confess your own issues, as uncomfortable as that is for all of us, you can move forward in remarkable ways. I see this repeatedly. If the two of you agree to stop accusing and agree to deal with your own unhealthy reactions, you have no idea what God plans to do for you! Listen to this wife and husband who attended the Love and Respect Conference.

From the wife:
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We got into a huge fight three days before the conference…I knew it was Satan attacking our marriage and did not want us to attend. I kept my mouth closed as I was so very upset with my husband that I knew if I said anything we would not go…I wanted to give this a chance (but) told myself I was going to look for a place to live when we returned home. When we arrived at the conference we were not really speaking to each other (but) by the end of the first night we left holding hands and talking. Saturday morning my husband was up before me and called me into the room and opened your book (and) as he read the first page he started to weep. It crushed me that I never told him that I respected him…There was a list of about 15 reasons why I respected him but I never said those words! I was so convicted...It was so simple. I had never realized that as a Christian woman I was actually sinning and needed to repent and ask my husband for forgiveness.

Her husband writes:
I can't explain the change in my heart towards my wife. I've been a Christian for about 17 years…The one thing that has bothered me most is that my marriage has not glorified the Lord. I would do the blame game that it was not always my fault and that I was married to an unreasonable woman and even Jesus would struggle with my marriage. I always knew what the gospel said about my responsibility as a husband and I believed that I was being obedient to God's word, until I went to Love and Respect…My heart was convicted as the reason my marriage was not glorifying God was because I was not living my marriage unto the Lord. It's not about me and my wife having our differences – it’s about me living for Christ and dying to myself and submitting my life to God…I was not allowing Christ to work in my marriage mostly due to pride. God used your conference to speak to me and change my mind and heart towards my wife. I know now that I want to live my marriage unto the Lord and love my wife unconditionally as Christ loves the church. I truly feel born again in my marriage!

This couple decided to stop the blame game! If you decide to look only at your OWN wrong reactions, and do that which God calls you to do, you can experience the same freedom and healing as this couple.

The Bible says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

It works!

IF ONLY

The enemy killed her husband. As a military man, deployed overseas, doing his duty for his country, he gave the ultimate sacrifice. But after 17 1/2 years of marriage, this woman entered widowhood, another immeasurable sacrifice.

Brokenhearted, she writes to me, telling some of her story. "My husband and I had the sweetest 2 1/2 years of courtship anyone could experience." But she relates that after that they had marital troubles for most of the marriage because they did not understand the truth of Ephesians 5:33. She reports to me that they were ignorant about a husband loving his wife and a wife respecting her husband. "I see how two young tender hearts fell in love and through ignorance, got on the crazy cycle and never could figure out how to get off it. Sometimes it spun so crazy it made us crazy. Sometimes it spun only slowly but none-the-less I think to some degree it was always spinning."

With profound regret she writes, "I would give anything to be able to rewind (the) years and give my husband a new bride with this wisdom. I know this is not possible. I trust my Lord and Savior with my whole life. If He decides to ever send a future husband to me with (His) help, I will work to keep my next marriage on the energizing cycle."

She regretted that she had failed to energize her husband by meeting his need to feel respected for who he was as a human being created in the image of God. She yearned for the chance to hold back a spirit of contempt, realizing no human responded to disrespect. But the enemy took his life and her chance.

"Although it may appear too late, I have asked my husband's forgiveness for my unintentional mistakes of ignorance and forgiven him of his too. I can't convey to you with words how grateful I am for reading your book."

She then says that through the wisdom of the Love and Respect message in the Bible, "God has given me complete healing and peace over my marriage."

What do you feel about regret in marriage?

I feel sorrowful after hearing a spouse bewail in the face of irreversible regrets. For example, a husband drowns and his wife cannot tell him of her deepest and fondest feelings. She avoided that conversation in recent years due to her chronic displeasure over his manly propensities, which now at his death did not deserve her hollow complaints. Mournfully she whispers, "Oh, if only I had one more hour with him."

A wife dies in an automobile accident and the husband dies a thousand times as his regrets stab him through and through. If only he had not been so angry and harsh. If only he had spent more time telling her of his gratitude toward her as a woman, wife and mother. How could he let his self-focus and pettiness block out the wonder of her person? Crying for the first time in years, he castigates himself as the most despicable of humans.

Is there good news in this? Yes, for those of us still married! We can awaken to the power of regret and change course.

A wife writes her husband, "I'm having a hard time writing as there are tears in the way of my vision because... I regret not understanding enough to express these inner thoughts in the past... I've always been aware of the fact that you've 'laid down your life' for us but I didn't understand (your) need or how to express what I knew inside." She acted. She had time! She prevented regret.

A husband pines, "I regret not learning how to be a good husband and to trust God in my marriage earlier." He then depressingly tells me that "it took a divorce" to awaken him to the wonder of his wife. Fortunately, neither had remarried. Like my own father and mother, they came back together. This man did something about his regret. It was not too late to face off with his lack of tender, loving care. He pursued his wife again with his new understanding. Because of his change, she reopened her heart.

A wife and mother confesses, "I have torn down my house with my own tongue. I can see that I have expected my husband to relate to me like another woman would and have been very frustrated and just 'knew' that he was a selfish jerk...However, I feel incredible excitement about knowing the truth and understanding how to do what God wants me to!... My girls are all teenagers and I regret that I have not grasped the truth sooner but by God's grace they will see a change for the rest of my life and I will be open and honest about my wrong doing. I just am so excited about this information..."

How about you? Is there anything happening right now in your marriage that is certain to lead to regret? The Bible teaches, "You don't want to end your life full of regrets" (Proverbs 5:11 MSG).

Friend, do you have the freedom and the opportunity to avoid groaning, "If only"?