SHOULD A HUSBAND SUBMIT TO HIS WIFE?

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We don’t hear too much about submission anymore. And if we do, it’s usually a command to the wife, to submit to her husband. Still, this is considered a bit archaic in today’s modern culture.

Submit to one another.

But what does the Bible say? Before the section on marriage in Ephesians 5, we read in verse 21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

So should a husband submit to his wife? Yes. He submits to his wife’s need to feel loved. I take this position by combining God’s command in Ephesians 5:21 to mutually submit, with God’s command in Ephesians 5:25-31 to a husband to love his wife.

Juxtaposition, a wife submits to her husband's need to feel respected. I take this position by combining God's command in Ephesians 5:22-24 to a wife submitting to her husband, with God's command in Ephesians 5:33 to a wife to respect her husband.

Submit during conflict…really?!

Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.

We asked 7,000 people this question: When you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected? 83% of the men said "disrespected." 72% of the women said "unloved."

Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict.

What might happen if we submitted to one another’s “felt need” during a heated argument? What would that even look like?

I think we know what it wouldn’t look like.

It wouldn’t look like name-calling or yelling derogatory insults. It wouldn’t look like letting our anger get out of control at the expense of our spouse. And it wouldn’t look like “winning at all cost”!

Keeping in mind our survey, if 83% of the men are feeling disrespected during conflict with their wives, then a wife submitting to his felt need during conflict would mean getting her point across respectfully, rather than with contempt and insults.

And if 72% of the wives are feeling unloved during conflict with their husbands, then a husband submitting to his wife’s need to feel loved during the conflict would mean communicating his points lovingly, not with harshness and anger.

Don’t submit when…

But let me also be clear about when not to submit. The Bible never instructs us to submit to sin. When there is sin and disobedience, a spouse must respectfully and lovingly confront the sin. To look the other way or to ignore the sin in the name of “submission” is wrong, and actually condones and enables the sin to continue. Ephesians5:11 says we are to have nothing to do with deeds of darkness, but must expose them.

The key is to confront lovingly and respectfully rather than with anger and contempt.

Does God really call a husband to submit to his wife?

Yes. Peter says in 3:1, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive." Then, and this is the clincher, he writes in 3:7, “You husbands in the same way.”

To what does he refer when writing “you husbands in the same way?” In the same way that wives submit, you husbands submit. Specifically, in this text a husband submits to his wife’s need to be understood and honored.

It gets even better. When a husband submits this way, God answers the man’s prayers (3:7). Talk about favor!

Husbands, he favors you when you submit to your wife’s need for love, understanding, and honor. Don’t let this frighten you. Instead, try this and watch God show up. You do not lose power but experience power!

You will not lose power.

In the same way, wives will not lose power when they submit to their husband’s need for respect. In fact, unconditional respect is a wife’s secret to power and influence in her marriage.

Thus, submission is defined as respect from the wife to the husband (especially when she's feeling unloved) and love from the husband to the wife (especially when he is feeling disrespected). We submit to God and to our spouse in a way that is contrary to our nature but which empowers us with benevolent influence.

Husband and wife, will you submit to one another out of reverence for Christ?

The marriage that is based on mutual submission will experience God’s power!

Emerson

When I Don’t Feel Like It

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A Testimony from Kim…

When I am feeling lonely, discouraged, frustrated, and disrespected in my marriage, and totally unloved by my husband (of twenty five years), I focus on God's command to respect him ANYWAY. I focus on the truth that my respect will bless my husband ....regardless of whether or not he responds with the love I need from him. I remind myself that I am to respect him in every sense of the word…I know that God is blessed by my obedience. I know that He smiles and blesses me when I trust Him with my heart and feelings. In those moments, I know that my reward will be in heaven.

While storing up treasures in heaven feels great, that is NOT what keeps me going! I do not use respectful behavior as a sort of "works" to win brownie points with God. Not on my life!

When I trust God to protect my heart and fill my love tank in the face of disrespect, when I step out in faith and positively apply respect when I don't feel like it or don’t feel my husband deserves it, when I obey my Father's command to respect, I feel peace and love. A sort of warm little hug of encouragement to hang in there from my heavenly husband. That is what keeps me focused on the Rewarded Cycle! And those little God-hugs remind me to dwell on the times my good-willed husband has responded to my respectful behavior in amazing, incredibly loving, God inspired ways. (Kim)

Taken from the Respectfully Yours DVD study

What Am I Worth?

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A testimony from Jacki…

For many years my husband and I would get caught up in the Crazy Cycle. Of course we didn't realize it at all and both just assumed that this was married life. I mean, marriage is hard right? Happily ever after is only a fairy tale. When it comes to marriage we do the best we can, and try to make the best out of the results.

This approach didn't feel right, but I knew no better. I knew that I had to submit to my husband, but after some time I began feeling like my opinions and feelings didn't matter. All my submitting, attempts at gentleness, all my words of love were not getting me anywhere. I was getting to where I flat out didn’t like my husband very much. AND, I thought that was ok. I didn't have to like him or even love him to be married; I just had to make the day to day work. My husband lived in a dream world where he didn't have a clue to my feelings. If you asked him, everything was hunky dory. I was absorbing everything myself, and slowly dying inside.

Then I realized that I had within me the ability and power to more actively engage and fight for my marriage. Through Love and Respect (specifically the women’s study) I realized that God did not want me to have a mediocre marriage. That he wanted my husband and I to be passionate about each other, and also that He has given me, ME the power and ability to proactively do things that specifically speak to my husband’s heart to help him see mine. I realized that it didn't matter what world my husband lived in, nor how he responded to me, that would determine my actions in my marriage. My actions would be determined by the Word of God and who I am in Him. Once I learned to put my identity in Christ, not in my husband, I was truly able to give my husband what he really needed... unconditional respect.

Thank you so much for your faithfulness that made this story true. (Jacki)

Taken from the Respectfully Yours DVD study

What Does Unconditional Really Mean?

When I talk about unconditional respect being equal to unconditional love (Ephesians 5:33), one of the questions I hear the most is some variation of, “Are you telling me I have to unconditionally respect my husband’s bad behavior and become a door mat? Everyone knows respect must be earned!”

Interestingly, in our culture we don’t have a problem understanding unconditional love…in fact, we see unconditional love as the right of every human being. Imagine expecting our children to “earn” our love!  We would disapprove of such parenting. Most of us have no problem separating the person from their behavior when it comes to love.  Love the person, hate the sin.  Right?

But mention unconditional respect and some women go through the roof!  Immediately, visions of weak, dependent women flood their minds – along with the inevitable label – DOOR MAT. 

So is this what Christ had in mind for married women?  Not at all! 

When the Bible reveals that a wife is to respect her husband, it is shown in the same way a husband is to show love to his wife (Eph. 5:33).  Both are unconditional. 

However, unconditional does not mean you remove all the healthy conditions that make a marriage succeed.  Unconditional does not mean you go along with bad behavior, giving another person license to do whatever he or she feels.  Unconditional does not mean superficial praise. 

Unconditional means that you give the person the gift of love and respect as you confront the issues.  In other words, you recognize that a hostile and contemptuous attitude is ineffective in helping resolve the issues. 

A husband may not deserve respect because he has not earned respect, but a wife’s disrespect for him is ineffective long-term—and not biblical. No husband responds to disrespectful attitudes any more than a wife responds to unloving and disrespectful attitudes.  Put it this way:  this is about how we come across when addressing issues.  This is not about our spouse's worthiness.

Let me repeat that!  This is not about our spouse's worthiness.

Unconditional means NO CONDITION can arise that stops you from dealing with the situation in a loving or respectful manner.  We might say your love or respect is UN-situational or UN-circumstantial.  No situation, circumstance or condition in your marriage can CAUSE you to react in hostility or contempt. 

No matter the conditions, God calls you to show love and respect to your spouse.  No matter the conditions, you have the freedom to choose a loving and respectful demeanor.  No matter the conditions, your spouse cannot stop you from loving and respecting. 

In a strange way, this becomes incredibly freeing!  Our response is our responsibility…and not dependent on our spouse’s behavior.

 Are you showing unconditional love and respect towards your spouse?  This isn’t easy, but God never gives us a command He doesn’t equip us to obey!  Humbly ask Him to help…and He will.

 

Emerson

 
P.S.  If you are a woman who would like practical ideas on how to unconditionally respect (even in tough situations), please check out RespectfullyYours, our new DVD study for women.

“I confronted…nothing changed…now what?”

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Q:  What if I have respectfully confronted my husband but he continues in his addiction? His drinking is destroying our family!

Dr. E says:  As you know, giving advice through email is not the ideal.  I desire to serve you with godly wisdom, yet realize I don't have all the pieces, and have not heard both sides.  Please keep this in mind as I attempt to help within these limitations.

If your husband is refusing to deal with his addiction, you may need to give an ultimatum. As I have said, unconditional respect means you come across respectfully as you confront his unacceptable behavior, but it also means you set healthy boundaries.  For example, you can say respectfully, "It is time to deal with this. I believe in you, this is why I married you. But you are not acting like the man of honor I believe you long to be.  Until you get help for your drinking, I would not be respecting you if I just look the other way while your drinking destroys our family.  We need to separate (not divorce) until you let me know of your decision to seek help and for us to address these matters with a third party." 

This ultimatum should only be made after you have respectfully confronted him and asked him to get help, and he has refused. Before you do this, you must decide what your plan of action is going to be, and there must be a plan of action, or the situation will remain the same. To ignore the problem would be enabling, which contributes to the problem.  God’s Word does not advocate enabling sin but rather just the opposite. The apostle Paul warns us to not participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead expose them.  NOT confronting sinful behavior can lead to enabling that behavior, allowing it to continue. 

Again, you must have a plan of action which could include an ultimatum for him getting help for his addiction, or he leaves for a time of separation (not divorce).  The details of this are something you should work out with Godly counsel – someone who is for your marriage and will come alongside you to support you in tough love and respectful confrontation.  You must protect yourself and your children.  Do not confront him alone if you fear his reaction. 

I am well aware of the devastation that addictive behavior brings to marriages.  I do not wish to minimize this in any way. This is sinful behavior that Christ would not have you tolerate.  If you need additional help to confront this, please seek out wise Godly counsel. 

~Emerson

Respectful Confrontation for the "Three A's"...

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Q: It seems like the principles of love and respect are too simplistic.  For example, how can you respect a spouse who is committing adultery, has addictions, or is abusive?

Dr E says:  Let’s not confuse unconditional love or respect with condoning sinful behavior! 

We must separate the sin from the sinner.  Jesus hates sin, yet he loves the sinner.  We are called to do the same. Jesus intends for us to care enough to confront sin.  As unpleasant as confrontation might prove to be, refusing to confront may prove more unpleasant.  A spouse’s sin might worsen. The cliché “forgiving is forgetting” might undermine God’s intention for you.  This is especially true when dealing with destructive behaviors such as adultery, addiction, and abuse. God’s Word does not advocate enabling sin but rather the opposite. The apostle Paul warns us to not participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead expose them. 

Possessing a forgiving spirit demonstrates Christlikeness but ignoring a spouse’s sin might evidence cowardice. How absurd for you to close your eyes to your spouse’s affair, abuse of the children, or cocaine use.  When you suppress the truth about your spouse’s sin, this does not constitute forgiveness.

However, the key is to confront the sin respectfully and lovingly, not with contempt or harshness, which always backfires. Contempt and harshness only heap more shame on the offending spouse, which drives them deeper into the sin as a way of escape.  So I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to do this with respect! 

But how? Your words, tone of voice, and nonverbal actions should all portray love and respect for your spouse who is created in the image of God. You see their heart that desires to be free, but is weakened by sin.  It is this person you respect, not the behavior that he/she falls into. 

Finally, remember that love and respect is not a magic bullet that erases all sin and conflict.  It is acting in obedience to God's word, regardless of the behavior of our spouse. But at the same time, NOT confronting sinful behavior can lead to enabling that behavior, allowing it to continue.

In my book, The Language of Love and Respect, I address these issues specifically in the Appendix entitled "Forgiving - but also Confronting - the Three A's: Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction."  Also in this book, I include a chapter on Good Will vs Evil Will, and Forgiveness.

In addition, I recommend that you turn to a pastor, a Christian counselor, or some other authority capable to assist.  Do not put this off.  Plan a way to confront the adultery, abuse or addiction.  There are many groups ready to serve you.

~Emerson

UNLOVABLE WIVES AND UNRESPECTABLE HUSBANDS

Recently a wife of an alcoholic wrote me, sharing with me that the teaching of unconditional respect permeates Al-Anon. Al-Anon is an organization created to serve family members of alcoholics.

She wrote, "Al-Anon teaches that everyone deserves respect and dignity and the right to be their own person – no matter what their problems are or how they decide to manage (or not manage) their lives.

“When we are dealing with obsessions/ addictions it is so easy to lose respect for the person afflicted. In general, addicted people act, and we, who are involved with them, react.

“Until I began attending Al-Anon, and became of aware of my own actions, I had no idea that my words and even my body language showed disrespect for my husband. I was so obsessed with his problem that I forgot about him. I was blinded by anger and by fear.

“Al-Anon teaches us to really look at ourselves and realize how out of control we have gotten. It teaches us to become aware of ourselves and our actions, reactions and behaviors. It teaches us we can only control ourselves, no one else. It teaches us to let go of our loved-ones and allow them to be their own persons. And to put our trust in God.

“The Scriptures in Love and Respect that teach respect is not earned but must be given unconditionally reiterates what Al-Anon teaches. That no matter what – respect (human value) must be given. A little hard to do sometimes when the chaotic crazy cycle is going - but I have found it greatly rewarding when put into practice. And the more it is practiced, the easier it is.

“With the AA and Al-Anon principles being learned and practiced, and the grace of our Heavenly Father, my husband and I have found a new delight in each other. We are dealing with life joyously and realistically and we will be celebrating 38 years of marriage this June and 7 years in recovery!"

I rejoice with his wife! Though she suffered unjustly by having to deal with her husband's alcoholism and additionally suffered by having to face off with her disrespectful reactions, she is now dealing with life joyously as she applies unconditional respect.

On the other hand, what about a wife married to a non-addicted, good willed husband who fails to be the man of her dreams? Why do we sometimes hear such a woman say with a spirit of contempt, "I am so obsessed with his problem that I no longer care about him. I am blinded by my anger and fear"? The extent of the problem is that the husband fails to talk with her at an emotional level to her satisfaction, he works longer than he should work, and he forgets special things like Valentine's Day. Consequently, she believes her husband deserves disrespect and must be punished with disrespect.

Why? She bought into the idea that she has a right to show disrespect toward the spirit of her husband when he fails to be the man she expects him to be.

Husbands make the same colossal mistake. Instead of loving their wives unconditionally, the men send the message, "I will only love you until and unless you perform to my satisfaction." When telling this man that he must love his wife unconditionally he blurts out, "Nobody can love that woman unconditionally! She is unlovable!" He rationalizes his harshness and hostility by claiming her unlovable features prohibit him from showing love. But of course if he thinks his unloving decor will motivate her to change, he may as well flap his arms in order to fly. Stupid is as stupid does. On the other hand, a wise husband knows that he must love his wife apart from her performance. He must come across lovingly in the face of her unlovable features. Only then will she soften her heart.

How have we missed as a society this idea of unconditional respect, and even unconditional love?

Confusion arises when using the expression "unconditional." We immediately think that we must respect or love bad behavior, and go along with bad behavior.
But unconditional does not mean we remove all healthy boundaries from relationships. Unconditional means there is no circumstance, situation, or condition that forces us to show hate or contempt to another person. No condition prevents us from coming across lovingly or respectfully. That's what unconditional love and respect means.

No one denies the difficulty of applying love and respect this way. A wife married to an alcoholic never finds it easy to put on a respectful demeanor toward her drunken husband, especially when he locks himself in a bedroom or embarrasses the family in public. But, she realizes the habitual demeanor of contempt, attitude of disdain, glare of disgust, words of dishonor, and actions of disrespect prove unfruitful. After years of dealing with alcoholic husbands, for instance, Al-Anon preaches the showing of positive regard toward the person in the gutter in order to help that soul out of the gutter. Nothing else works.

But that leads to this question for the rest of us: If these extreme cases of addiction demand such an approach why would a husband scoff at the idea that to soften the heart of his good willed wife he needs to guard against harshness and hostility? Why would a wife mock the idea that to soften the heart of her good willed husband she needs to guard against disrespect and disgust?

We should all be left scratching our heads in bewilderment.

One thing is for sure, and this should encourage all of us, many testify that the more they practice unconditional love and unconditional respect, the easier it gets. Contrary to what one initially thinks, this works over the course of the relationship!