What To Do When Your Marriage Doesn't Work

Photo Credit: Brook Mosser

I hear often from discouraged husbands and wives who say their marriage simply does not work. They feel they have tried everything – even love and respect – and it didn't work. They are ready to give up.

If this describes you, are you willing to try a new approach? 

But my spouse doesn't respond!

What is your worst fear in marriage? Is it that you will do all you can to love and respect unconditionally but your spouse will not respond? If so, you are not alone in that fear. After all, it takes two, right? And if your spouse has already given up, there is nothing left to do.

Technically, that may be true. If one partner has determined in their heart that nothing…NOTHING…is going to change his/her mind and they are hell-bent on pursuing their own selfish ends, such a marriage might not be saved. People do betray, like Judas betrayed Jesus. That’s why adultery is so destructive. Infidelity betrays.

On the other hand, who truly knows a person’s heart but God? An angry, hurt person may do things they truly don’t want to do in their deepest heart. Though the person appears hardened, they may be protecting their real feelings. Thus, what seems hopeless is not hopeless to God. The Lord sees underneath. He sees this person’s feelings of insecurity and insignificance.

So what can you do?

First of all, if you feel fear and hopelessness taking over, pray against this fear. 1 Peter 3:6 tells us to do what is right without being frightened by any fear. If you aren’t sure how to pray about this, go to a Pastor of a Bible believing church and ask him to pray with you.

Secondly, don’t give up! Things don’t change overnight. Don’t think that when you try a new approach, such as unconditional love and respect, that your spouse will respond immediately. For example, if trust has been broken, it will take time to rebuild the trust.

Let me add, I am not saying that you should stay in an abusive situation where you or your children are in danger! That is another issue entirely. I am also not telling you to roll over and ignore sin. To read what I have to say about abuse and sinful behavior, click here.

Things may get worse before they get better.

In some cases things appear to get worse when love and respect is applied. The receiving spouse is skeptical and even angry that his/her spouse is switching behavior and then expecting immediate forgiveness for all the past pain. Or he/she is afraid to believe in the change for fear of being let down and hurt even more.

Be honest. If your spouse has hurt you for 5, 10, 15 years and then suddenly changes his/her behavior, would you trust that he/she has changed overnight? Or even in a month? Probably not.

May I challenge you even further? In those cases when you feel unconditional love or unconditional respect has failed to impact your spouse, can you honestly say you were consistent in your behavior? I am not suggesting perfection…none of us can do this perfectly! But think of it this way: are you consistently making more loving and respectful deposits than unloving and disrespectful withdrawals?

Admit when you fail.

Learning new ways of responding (and not reacting) is hard work. Old habits die hard, and they often flare up when we least expect them to…like rolling the eyes or mumbling “whatever” under our breath. But these old habits can be the death blow to your spouse who may use it as proof that you haven’t changed at all. So when you fail...and you will fail...admit it to your spouse, and try, try again. Make some more deposits. Over the long haul, your spouse will recognize your efforts but you must stay the course.

There is no IF.

When you love or respect unconditionally, you are following God and His will for you. Ultimately, your spouse and your marriage have nothing to do with that decision.

I know that sounds crazy! But hear me out. The command in Ephesians 5:33 does not say “Love your wife IF she respects you.” Nor does it say, “Respect your husband IF he loves you.” When you obey the command in Ephesians 5:33 to love your wife or respect your husband, you are simply demonstrating your obedience and trust in the face of an unlovable wife or a disrespectable husband.

Jesus said, “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?” (Matthew 5:46). Jesus could have had your troubled marriage in mind when He said that.

Everything you do counts.

I believe Paul also had your marriage in mind when he penned Ephesians 6:7-8: “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free” (NIV). Paul is saying that whatever we do as to the Lord we will receive back from the Lord. In marriage, everything you do counts, even if your spouse ignores you or does not love and respect you in return.

Live the Rewarded Cycle.

Unconditional love and unconditional respect will be rewarded. I call this the Rewarded Cycle. His Love Blesses Regardless of Her Respect; Her Respect Blesses Regardless of His Love.

If you are feeling alone in your marriage, and your spouse is not responding to your efforts, will you allow this to encourage you? You are not alone. Your efforts to love and respect unconditionally are not going unnoticed by God! He is for you and He WILL honor you for your obedience.

Will you begin to live in the Rewarded Cycle starting today?

Emerson

Good Parenting = Good Kids

…Or does it?

My son David, now in his 30s, highlights the struggle I had with writing a book on parenting:

I believe for my father, writing this book has been the single most difficult undertaking he has experienced other than my mother having breast cancer. For two years, as my father wrote this book, his level of introspection on his methods of parenting has caused large amounts of pain and even regret. He has painstakingly attempted to expose all of his and my mother’s struggles, mistakes, and imperfections as parents.

He’s right.  As I wrote, disturbing memories came back to me not only from my own childhood, but from my failures as a father.  Many days I wanted to give up, feeling completely defeated.

Ironically, though I wanted to give up writing primarily because I felt I had often failed my own three kids, it was these same kids who wouldn’t let me quit! They cheered me on, telling me I needed to give myself more grace. And in the end, they signed off on everything I shared - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Some of you need to give yourself more grace too.

Most of us assume that if we abide by God’s plan to unconditionally love our kids, we will have respectful, obedient children in return.

Isn’t this the guarantee?

No.  And this is what really revolutionized my thinking and parenting.  A loving parent does not guarantee a respectful child.

One day a repeated statement in the book of Proverbs hit me like a ton of bricks.  Over and over Solomon writes to “my son.”  First I thought he was writing figuratively, but then I realized he was writing to his son Rehoboam who did not follow his counsel.  Solomon was considered the wisest man to live, yet his own son rejected his wisdom and chose evil!

I then researched other parents and offspring in the Bible and what I found were four different scenarios:

1.   Good parents with good kids.  (Zacharias and Elizabeth with John the Baptist.)

2.   Bad parents with bad kids.  (Ahab and Jezebel with Ahaziah.)

3.   Bad parents with good kids.  (King Ammon and his son Josiah.)

4.   Good parents with kids who reject their parent’s godliness and choose bad.  (Samuel had two rebellious sons.)

We all know the story of the prodigal son. But think about the father. He had two sons:  a selfish, indulgent second born (the prodigal) and an older son who was self-righteous, judgmental, and angry. 

Would you invite this father to teach in your church on how to parent?

Probably not. Yet Jesus tells us that this father represents Abba Father!

Are some of you parents of a prodigal?  Are others of you standing in judgment of those who are?

I believe that some of you who feel judged have loved your disobedient child by keeping your eyes on Jesus, and this has touched the heart of Christ in ways you cannot imagine. I believe you have parented God's way and will hear "Well done good and faithful servant" even though your child has wandered away from the faith.

Parenting is a faith venture.  As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Ephesians 6:8 NKJV).

Will you choose to parent God’s way, in spite of the actions of your child?  You too can hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

~Emerson

When I Don’t Feel Like It

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A Testimony from Kim…

When I am feeling lonely, discouraged, frustrated, and disrespected in my marriage, and totally unloved by my husband (of twenty five years), I focus on God's command to respect him ANYWAY. I focus on the truth that my respect will bless my husband ....regardless of whether or not he responds with the love I need from him. I remind myself that I am to respect him in every sense of the word…I know that God is blessed by my obedience. I know that He smiles and blesses me when I trust Him with my heart and feelings. In those moments, I know that my reward will be in heaven.

While storing up treasures in heaven feels great, that is NOT what keeps me going! I do not use respectful behavior as a sort of "works" to win brownie points with God. Not on my life!

When I trust God to protect my heart and fill my love tank in the face of disrespect, when I step out in faith and positively apply respect when I don't feel like it or don’t feel my husband deserves it, when I obey my Father's command to respect, I feel peace and love. A sort of warm little hug of encouragement to hang in there from my heavenly husband. That is what keeps me focused on the Rewarded Cycle! And those little God-hugs remind me to dwell on the times my good-willed husband has responded to my respectful behavior in amazing, incredibly loving, God inspired ways. (Kim)

Taken from the Respectfully Yours DVD study

FAQ: I am no longer in love with my husband. In fact, I don’t believe I ever loved him. Wouldn’t it be better for both of us if we get a divorce?

Can I lovingly challenge you?  You are hurting and are about to make a major and I believe a wrong decision.  Pull back.  I cannot justify a divorce based on your report here.

I don't know if you are a Christ-follower, but my view of marriage is based on Christ's commands in the Bible.  God hates divorce, and only allows for biblical divorce based on desertion or adultery.  I assume from your letter that this is not the case for you.  You are saying you do not love your husband and never did love him, therefore you want a divorce. But this is not biblical.  In fact, marriages in biblical times were pre-arranged and "love" as we define it was not even considered.  Half of the marriages around the world are assigned by parents. In these cases, two people learn to love one another.

We know that a person can learn to love and that love does develop and deepen over time.  In fact, even couples who are madly infatuated with one another on their wedding day will have to face this reality over time.  The "feelings" of love disappear as the difficulties of life take over.  Every couple experiences this.  "Love" as they knew it on their wedding day fades.  This is why the divorce rate is out of control. Couples no longer believe in commitment, so they divorce as soon as those feelings of love disappear.  You may not have felt that love even on your wedding day, but today your situation is no different than countless others who "lose" the feeling of love.

We live in a culture where feelings determine everything.  You may have fallen victim to this and now feel overwhelmed by what appears as total darkness and despair.

So, your greatest struggle is to trust and obey Jesus Christ during this time, and act in loving ways because of your faith in Him.  Is this possible?  I believe it is.  In fact, this is what the Bible teaches.  This is God's design for marriage, that we love our spouse AS UNTO CHRIST and not because we FEEL love or because they DESERVE love. (For more understanding on this, read chapters 23 and 24 on The Rewarded Cycle in the book Love and Respect.)


Do the love and respect principles "work" when we do not feel love or respect for our spouse?  Absolutely!  This is what it is all about – giving to someone else no matter what we feel!  I know this sounds impossible and it may even sound harsh to you.  But what if feelings of love for your husband develop after you act in obedience to Christ?  I believe this is not only possible, it is quite likely.  As you get outside of yourself and focus more on the other person, amazing things can happen.


Husband or wife, to abandon your marriage because of your feelings is a grave mistake.  The consequences for this will be serious, both in your soul and in your heart. Christ's commands are there to protect us, not to punish us.  He knows the consequences of divorce will be grave.  He wants to spare you from this because He loves you deeply.


So what should you do?  Find a godly wise mentor who will come alongside you and support you in living out the Rewarded Cycle.  Put your faith in Christ and trust Him with your marriage.  Fulfill the commitment you made on your wedding day, as you made the vow to love in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, so long as you both shall live.  As you focus on your relationship with Christ, He will strengthen you to stay the course and He will give you the desires of your heart!

Are you allowing God to encourage you, or have you closed off to Him?

~Emerson

FAQ: Things are getting worse! What now?

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“My marriage seems to be getting worse, not better, since I have been trying to respect my husband.  He seems to be even angrier with me.  Help!”

There are times when your marriage seems to get worse when you begin to apply Ephesians 5:33. Why? Your obedience could be bringing your spouse under the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Don’t be fooled into thinking it is not working. On the contrary, God is moving in your spouse’s heart and they may not like it very much. Minimize any negativity and sarcasm that may come from them during this time. Just because they say hurtful things doesn’t mean they are true. 

Obviously I don’t know what is going on in the heart of your husband, but it could be that he is afraid to trust that this is for real.  When a man gets a taste of the respect that he desires deep down in his soul, it is almost too good to be true. If there has been a history of that lacking in his marriage, he is confused.  He’s not sure what is going on!  He may revert to his old comfort zone, hiding behind sarcasm and a thick wall of defense.  It may take some time to break down that wall.

If you keep your eyes on doing this unto Christ, it will be easier to stay the course. Some people find it helps to picture Christ standing behind the shoulder of their spouse during a conflict, to keep their eyes on Him and not their spouse’s reaction.  This is what I call the Rewarded Cycle and this is where you must focus! Trust that God can speak louder to your spouse’s heart than you can. Focus more on being consistent over the long haul, and less on how your spouse is reacting.  

~Emerson

For more information on The Rewarded Cycle, read Dr. Emerson’s book, Love and Respect, or check out the Love & Respect Conference CD’s or DVD’s.

The Eternal “AHHH!”

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Do you remember when you wanted a bike for Christmas but your parents wouldn't say if you would get it or not?  You were in suspense…and then Christmas morning arrived. There under the tree was your bright, shiny bike, and you gasped, “AHHH!”

Or think of your graduation day, wedding day, promotion…or getting a clean bill of health from your Doctor after a cancer diagnosis.  What if every hour of every day you experienced the glory and joy of all these events at once in their fullest intensity? 

I liken this to the eternal “Ahhh!” of a believer who steps into eternity and stands before the Master.  Jesus is preparing us to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant!  You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.  Come and share your master’s happiness!” (Matthew 25:21 NIV).
 

Have you ever thought about what it will mean to “share your master’s happiness”?  It will be joy without measure, like all of your favorite life events unending, with a trillion times the intensity!

If you are a believer, the greatest “Ahhh!” experience of your life is ahead.  The Lord is closely watching and intends to reward you.  To keep in mind what’s in store, memorize Ephesians 6:7,8:  “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does” (NIV).

Envision the scene as believers ascend into heaven and stand before Christ.  To one husband He says, “Well done. You’ve put on love toward your disrespectful wife.  You are about to receive back every act of love you did toward her.” To a wife He says, “Well done.  You’ve put on respect toward your unloving husband.  I watched.  You are about to be rewarded for every act of respect.”

Next, Jesus directs you to enter the place called Paradise (see Luke 23:43).  As you enter with Jesus, you experience a holy rush. At that moment, unexpectedly, you behold a gift of such great value you gasp a holy “Ahhh!”  What you behold is beyond anything you could imagine.  Suddenly, instantly, you are enveloped by love and glory.  But to try to describe heaven is to describe the indescribable!

Let’s go back to Matthew 25:21:  “You were faithful with a few things.”  What would some of those “few things” be?  Surely they include what Paul describes so clearly in Ephesians 5:  “love (your) wife…respect (your husband” (vs. 33).  When you make a decision to love or respect your spouse, the dividends are without end.

Jesus is offering you a bargain.  Do a few things on earth in this life and get many things forever in heaven.

Do you want to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant”?  Come and share your master’s happiness!

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Even Good Marriages Need the Rewarded Cycle

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When I first began teaching the biblical truth of the Rewarded Cycle as it pertains to marriage, I was unsure how people would receive it.  Amazingly, many welcomed the Rewarded Cycle enthusiastically.  Those who feel hopeless suddenly catch the truth that what they do matters to God; nothing is wasted.  This thought not only rejuvenates poor marriages, but it is helpful to good marriages.  The key principle of the Rewarded Cycle is just as relevant for a good marriage as a poor one.  Ultimately, all husbands and wives should be practicing Love and Respect principles first and foremost out of obedience toward Christ.  If they do not, it is so easy to start being arrogantly proud about “our great marriage.”

We all need to take heed!  Those who think they stand could easily fall.  So many marriages seem to be getting along just great and then, wham!  The wheels come off.  If we take our eyes off Christ (or never put our eyes on Christ in the first place), we are building on sand, and when the storms come we can be swept away (see Matthew 7:24-27).

Another benefit of the Rewarded Cycle for a good marriage is that you can understand why you are treating each other as you do and be more equipped to explain the Love and Respect Connection to other couples.  And as other couples learn the Love and Respect Connection, the rewards increase exponentially. 

What are the rewards?  We get some of them on earth, but we get an incredible reward in heaven.  More on that next time!

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

When It Simply Doesn’t Work – What Then?

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What is your worst fear in marriage?  Is it that you will do all you can to love and respect unconditionally but your spouse will not respond?  If so, you are not alone in that fear. I hear of this concern often from husbands and wives around the country. But 1 Peter 3:6 tells us to do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

But how should you proceed?  What if you have moved forward in good faith with unconditional love and respect, but your spouse has not responded?

As Jesus spoke of the trials and tribulations believers might have to go through for Him, He mentioned that “a man’s enemies will be the members of his household” (Matthew 10:36).  For you, it may feel just this way.  So should you simply say, “This Love and Respect thing doesn’t work”? 

When you love or respect unconditionally, you are following God and His will for you.  Ultimately, your spouse and your marriage have nothing to do with it.  You are simply demonstrating your obedience and trust in the face of an unlovable wife or a disrespecting husband.  Unconditional love and unconditional respect will be rewarded.   I call this the Rewarded Cycle.  Jesus said, “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?” (Matthew 5:46).  Jesus could have had your troubled marriage in mind when He said that.

I believe Paul also had your marriage in mind when he penned Ephesians 6:7-8:  “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free” (NIV).  Paul is saying that whatever we do as to the Lord we will receive back from the Lord.  In marriage, everything you do counts, even if your spouse ignores you!  This is what the Rewarded Cycle is all about:  His Love Blesses Regardless of Her Respect; Her Respect Blesses Regardless of His Love.

If you are feeling alone in your marriage, and your spouse is not responding to your efforts, will you allow this to encourage you? You are not alone. Your efforts to love and respect unconditionally are not going unnoticed by God!  He is for you and He WILL honor you for your obedience.  Stay tuned in the next few weeks for more on the Rewarded Cycle and the rewards that are in store for you.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Powerful Enough to Change Your Life

In last week’s blog, I addressed whether the biblical truth of Love and Respect is too simplistic for marriages that are in serious trouble. 

This week I share a testimony that beautifully communicates how love and respect, though simple, can powerfully transform a troubled marriage!  Read what can happen when just one spouse submits themselves to the transforming power of Jesus Christ and acts in obedience to His Word.

Wow – there is POWER available to us if only we believe!

This woman writes:

Several years ago I went from being a nominal Christian to a full-time lover of Jesus. However, my marriage was falling apart.  My husband disliked being around me.  He didn't talk to me for days on end.  He said numerous times that we were too different and that once the kids (4 & 6 at the time) were grown we would need to separate. 

Since my marriage was in tatters, I read what God had to say.  Being schooled into the feminist camp the words submission and submit in 1 Peter 3 and Ephesians 5 were very difficult to swallow.  However, I knew that I could not argue with the first real Love that I was experiencing and gave over to 1 Peter 3:1.  I had not been putting my husband first. I had to start focusing on home more.  I tried to honor my husband’s words when he spoke.

The love of Jesus was so full in me that I really was completely fine.  I was in a euphoric place for about 6 months after I became a Christian while my husband was watching me and wondering when it would end.  I had a reason to submit: to win him, as 1 Peter 3:1 said. 

After a while his demeanor changed towards me - he started to like me, said kind things to me, wanted to be around me. 

Then I heard a piece of your conference on the radio and it blew me away.  I was flabbergasted.  It was God's amazing timing.  The whole submit thing became easier to swallow once you described it as meeting a man’s need for respect.  Then it all started to make sense.  I was no longer doing it without knowing.  I started to use the word "respect" around him and it solidified his turn-around.  Respect was the HUGE key to him letting down his guard to trusting me and thereby trusting Jesus and letting Him in.  

She then describes a moment when she needed to draw the line with him on his pornography viewing.  She did so respectfully but she made it clear that she could not continue in the relationship the way it was.  Eventually he broke and allowed God complete control of his life.

She continues:

My husband is now completely changed and won over.  I don't even RECOGNIZE the man I married.  He is COMPLETELY different.  After 13 years I can finally say our marriage is truly like a dream.  It is unbelievable how tender and fun and honest and caring and loving and joyful and playful and kind and intimate and generous and forgiving and sincere and giving and wonderful our marriage is.  It is a MIRACLE.  My husband has embraced Jesus I truly believe as a direct result of Ephesians 5:22 and 1 Peter 3:1.

Friend, are you resisting complete surrender to Jesus Christ?  I submit to you that there is NO problem that is too big for God!  Love and Respect, applied with a heart that is completely submitted to Christ, is powerful enough to change your life!

~Emerson

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