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“My husband and I have had problems since our
first year of marriage. I seriously believe I married the wrong person. Do I need to stay stuck in this marriage and
be miserable the rest of my life?”
Most of us are
familiar with the phrase “until death do you part” in the wedding vows. The
Christian view is that marriage is for keeps, but this is a value that is under
constant attack in our present-day culture. But, most people do believe they
were right for one another when they said “I do.” So ask yourself what has changed since you
walked down that aisle?
Matthew 19:6
says, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined
together, let no man separate.” Jesus’
words are a powerful reminder that God has joined you together, not some human
legal requirement. I hear from many couples who are very sure of this. Regardless of marital bumps, they say, “We know God brought us together.”
When you got
married, did you believe God brought you together? Think back to how that
happened. How was God’s hand evident?
When times get tough, it’s tempting to second guess the decisions that
brought us there. But good counsel
during such times is, “Don’t doubt in the dark what God showed you in the light.” In other words, few couples walk down the
aisle convinced they are making a mistake! But once the problems of marriage
come, we tend to focus on only the negative and forget the good that brought us
together.
Sincere
believers start out wanting to keep their vows, but for many, something goes
awry on the road to wedded bliss. One spouse writes: “I believe in my heart
that God brought us together, but we can’t talk to each other at all without
getting into a huge fight.” And another says: “Because we felt so strongly that
God led us together, we were so puzzled that after only one year we were so
unhappy and having so much conflict.”
If you are
feeling “stuck” in a cycle of conflict, you are not alone. We call this the Crazy Cycle! As Paul says,
“Those who marry will face many troubles” (1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV). For
precisely this reason, Sarah and I are committed to spreading the word about the Love & Respect Connection. This Connection can keep the marriage bond
strong and, if necessary, heal hurts and pain from the past. There is hope!
Reread
Matthew 19:6 carefully. You and your spouse are one, joined together by God,
not to be separated by anyone. I used to think it took a third party to break
up a marriage; now I realize the greatest danger lies within. Having challenges
in your marriage does not mean you or God made a mistake; it simply means you
must learn to do marriage God’s way:
obey His command to love and respect with renewed faith and commitment. If
anything will kill a marriage it is anger, suspicion, and failing to give each
other the benefit of the doubt. God brought us together and He will keep us
together as we do our marriage as unto Him.
Have you
turned to God to help you keep together what He has brought together? God does not intend for you to be miserable. He
is a God of hope, who came that you might have abundant life! Check out our website for resources that
will help you discover how to do marriage God’s way. Resolve today to stop the crazy cycle in your
marriage!
17 comments:
I, too, used to think that "I" made this choice...this wasn't God's choice! We have gotten through so many dark and challenging events...including separation, disrespect, abuse, unfaithfulness and more.. but when I look back now, I finally see that God's hand was always in this marriage. We chose not to see it. Those dark times were us letting the world lead us. I know that all we went through literally brought us to our knees (although at different times) and led us right to the cross. We stuck it out until we literally had no other option but to accept Chrsit's lead in each our lives. Considering the damage we would cause our family before our own wants was always the "glue" that kept us from totally walking away. There is hope if you can just hang on the way God is hangin on to you. I don't love my husband the same way I did in the beginning ...with expectations that only Christ could meet...with lust and self-centeredness but I do love him with the respect he deserves and it's made a huge difference. Thank you Dr Emerson!
What if I feel like I only really married my husband because I was afraid that no one else would come along and I would be alone if I didn't? I feel like I settled. He really isn't the man I hoped for.
We were fighting all the time before we got married. Bad fights. I freaked out when I found out he was going to propose and we broke up. A few days later I convinced myself that I should marry him and we got back together. He proposed a month later.
We've been married a couple of years and it's been hard. There have been good times too - but mostly awlful times. I tell myself it's Satan that keeps me doubting us - but what if I really wasn't supposed to marry him? But then I think if God is sovereign… then wouldn't us getting married been in His plan?
I'm in it till death do us part…but how do I stop these feelings that I disobeyed God by getting married in the first place?
-Confused
But what if the person you married always accussed you of cheating always looking at men and telling me im stupid and that may church is stupid and wrong? My husband does this on a weekly bases, people say I should never have married him , but he always' tells me he will change so I Still stay.. But while married my kids have been taken away from me due to things my husband has done towards me and my stress hass gotten's so bad its making me ill the doctor say cause I miss my kids and am affraid to look at anything when im ouy with mu husband.. But I want to please god and stay cause thats what god wants right? I read your book 2 times and love it my husband has read only half so far ... What should I do? We also never had a wedding , we had it while he was in jail does that count in gods eyes?
The Word says, "Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind." Not the removing of your mind. You need to catch a clue.
To everyone above.. read the book and you will know the answer to your " what if's " ... :)
To Anonymous: I am sorry about your situation. Yes, if you were legally married, you are married. It sounds like you might be in abusive situation-been there. You might need to separate and get counseling, hopefully both of you. If not, then just you. I had to separate almost five years ago. We had to establish boundaries so that I and my kids could be healthy. I will be praying for you.
This sounds so familiar. Just had a big argument with my husband before he left for work. He makes me feel useless, and stupid and like I'm the worst person ever. Nothing I do is ever right, but he is never wrong. He is so moody all the time, never happy and I feel like no matter what I do I can't make him happy. I'm afraid of his anger and I don't know what to do anymore. This has been going on for the 4 years we've been married but progressively worse over the last year or so. I just feel like I've been miserable long enough.
For those of us who maybe weren't walking with God when we chose to marry our husbands, especially if they weren't believers at that time and we were, how do we respond? I am struggling to see that God's hand was 'in it' at the beginning since I fell away from the Lord at that time. Two years after my marriage my husband wanted to follow Christ. Unfortunately, through difficult circumstances over the years he has become angry with God and isn't in fellowship with him. His anger is affecting my health. He refuses to get help saying it's a waste of time and doesn't work. I thought that the sudden death of our youngest son last year would be a turning point for him but it was not and he has become even angrier with God.
I remember I also felt this way before. I also wondered if my decision to marry my husband was right. Many times I have also thought of leaving, but I guess God gave me more will power, patience, understanding and love. Our marriage until now is what I can describe as perfect. We still arguments from time to time, but I think my husband and I are still growing up in our relationship.
My husband and I were baptized into Catholicism as babies, but between then and now so much has changed. We both strayed away from the faith. When we decided to "marry" in our own terms we thought that all we needed was the two of us. It is OUR choice. Then 2011 happened. He brought God in and this year we married in church. It was an amazing experience -- and not because of anything else but because we know God is not part of our love.
& when the girl you loved more than anyone fools around with one of your "friends"? Tells you she doesn't love you anymore? Then goes off to marry him? THAT is God bringing THEM together?? What a joke. They were so-called Christians. I was never more devastated in my life. The Lord did not orchestrate those events as we were given free will. But He did ALLOW it. Very difficult to get over.
For me, I can't say that I marry the wrong guy because in the first place it's my choice to accept his proposal for us to get married. The choice is really in you. Maybe some women out there will really think that they marry a wrong guy because they actually don't really know the man whom they marry. It's all up to the couple to decide whether to continue or just end it up.
There is a belief in Christian circles that there is one "right" person that God created for you and if you miss that person, you're forevermore doomed to an unhappy, unsatisfying life. I don't know where that idea came from, but it's nowhere in the Bible! Instead, the Bible gives guidelines for what we should seek in a marriage and the seriousness of that marriage. We don't get to walk away just because we have hit a rough patch; God wants us to work through it if possible but He also gives us reasons that can (not that these must lead to divorce) free us from the marriage: Infidelity or an unbelieving spouse who won't stay. There are plenty of other times when a separation is needed to break the unhealthy patterns that have emerged, though. You separate in order to give God room to work in both of your lives, not for you to start shopping for a replacement! The love and respect books talks a lot about a "good-willed spouse," one who wants to be happily married to you. He admits that the success rate of his principles is much lower if your spouse isn't good-willed. If you are miserable in your marriage, I would suggest that you talk to a trusted pastor. If you don't want to open up to the pastor you have to face at church every week, ask him for a referral to another pastor whom God has gifted as a marital counselor. It helps to get an outside view of what state your marriage truly is in and some godly advice how to deal with it. To anonymous whose wife left with his best friend, I think you realize that it wasn't God bringing them together - Christians still struggle with temptation and sin and when we drift away from God we end up doing things that are no different from the world. Having that foundation for their marriage is going to make it very difficult for them to have a successful marriage long term. After all, they both know the other person is an adulterer and how can you trust that sort of spouse? For a person to say that she "doesn't love" her spouse anymore just means that she has chosen not to love - love is a choice we make and not a flighty emotion. She is confusing infatuation with love and what do you think will happen when the next guy catches her eye?
But what if you really did marry the wrong person? A person God did not intend you to marry. What if your own sinful choices caused you to marry somebody God never intended you to marry? What if you and your spouse are just living out the ugly consequences of marrying the wrong person?
I know divorce is not the Biblically acceptable answer. How does a couple that is like oil & water ever reach a place even of a tolerable marriage? How do we not wish every day to be able to go back and undo the sin that brought us together in the first place?
Modern society wants to say sex before marriage is just handy-dandy. It is not! It blinds you to discovering who the person you are dating really is. It covers up all of the warning signals to move on. It gets you stuck in relationships that are harmful, and far from the plan God had. The few moments of indulgance easily lead to a lifetime of regrets.
I feel like I married the wrong person. I fell pregnant and we got married. He was hindu and I was a Christian. For a while I followed his religion but it didn't work for me. So I went back to church and he followed his religion. We have been married for 16 years now and he has had many affairs. I always find out about them and when I do question him he gets abusive, swearing me, hitting me. He told me if I leave he will kill me.So I just stay and pray every day that somehow my situation will get better.But I don't how much longer I can hold on for. I have a sixteen year old son whom I live for. Once he has grown up and is independent there won't be much of a reason to live.
I am listening to you anonymous 6.9.13. Someone here understands. I don't know, when do our kids get so independent they don't need us? He will always need you. That is a reason to live.
Hello, I'm a 'newlywed' for the second time. I married a 'newbie' in the faith. I am a 'teenager' in the faith. My wife has been suffering from depression for many years -but goes to a psychologist and takes meds. I feel like I am 'second fiddle' to her. she says she loves me -but the intimacy seems to be fading away ` after less than a year. Could y'all please pray for us and all those who have posted on this blog. I love being married and am thankful that someone wanted to marry me again. We are both Christians - but it seems like we are being bombarded by depression
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