Love and Respect – Don’t Men and Women Need Both Equally?

Because I say that during conflict a woman’s deepest need is to feel loved whereas a man’s deepest need is to feel respected, people often think I’m saying a woman doesn’t need respect and a man doesn’t need love.

That’s NOT what I’m saying.

Men and women need both love and respect equally.  Period.

So why do Italk so much about a man’s need for respect and a woman’s need for love?  Why don’t I just talk about the fact that men and women need both?

Furthermore, why do I keep talking about gender?

Good questions.  Let me explain.

First of all, Ephesians 5:33 clearly states that husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands.

For some reason, the writer of this passage, the apostle Paul, thought it was important to make a distinction here.  He doesn’t say husbands are to respect their wives and wives are to love their husbands.  Nor does he simply say, “Husband and wives, love and respect one another.”

Have you ever wondered why?

Let’s break it down a bit. In saying that a wife’s greatest felt need is love we are not saying that a wife needs only love and not respect.  And in saying a husband’s greatest felt need is respect, we are not saying he needs only respect and not love. 

We don’t think Paul is saying that either. For instance, we look at all the biblical commands to husbands toward their wives, such as when Peter says to “show her honor” in 1 Peter 3:7, and Paul says a husband is to “cherish” his wife (Ephesians 5:29).  And of course there are numerous verses in Proverbs 31 that refer to the noble woman who received the praises of her husband.  She needs respect and esteem. 

Also, we quote Titus 2:4 where the older women are to encourage the younger women to phileo love their husbands, which is Greek for the brotherly kind of love.  However, we point out the nuances in the Greek language.  For instance, only husbands are commanded to agape-love their wives, and nowhere in the domestic passages are wives commanded to agape-love their husbands.

Interestingly, we asked 7000 people this question: When you're in a conflict with your spouse do you feel unloved or disrespected?  83% of the men said they feel disrespected and 72% of the women said they felt unloved.  

Which brings me to the gender issue. These percentages are significant, and are a reminder that, as it says in Genesis, we were created male and female.  There are differences.  The purpose in highlighting these differences, however, is to help couples understand why during conflict men and women act differently.  For example, in most cases (remember we are talking about the Bell Curve) he shuts down, but not because he feels unloved.  He is feeling disrespected. And most often a wife (Bell Curve) will confront in order to connect because she is feeling unloved during conflict. 

So what we are finding is that over time in a marriage the felt need with most couples is that he leans on the respect side, and most wives lean on the love side.  The research supports this and we believe the Bible does too.  Why else are husbands told to love their wives, while wives are told to respect their husbands?

And even though women need respect, if he keeps showing her disrespect week after week and month after month, she will eventually say, "How can you say that you love me and treat me disrespectfully?"  When a man is shown disrespect week after week and month after month, he says "I don't deserve this disrespect.  Everybody respects me but you."  He does not land on love, unless she says that she does not love him - then he will feel unloved.   And if a woman is truly feeling loved, she will also feel esteemed and respected.

~Emerson

When All Hope Was Gone…a Husband Loves His Wife Back

If we listen to the culture, we could feel pretty hopeless about marriage. But those of us who are Christ followers, have HOPE – as the Johnson’s shared in my last blog. Allow me to share one more hope story…this time from a husband who had thrown his marriage away by failing to deal with his sin.

As a result of my abusive past 40 years ago with a myriad of issues I had never faced, I had become verbally abusive to a degree I had never been. God led me to heart-rending repentance and I experienced a healing of my heart in a way I had never experienced in my 30 + years as a "professing" Christian.  

But my marriage had failed. My wife had left me and candidly, she no longer had emotional feelings for me - and rightly so. We have lived apart since.  

Despite where I was and where we were, you challenged me to AGAPE my wife. As a result of this and God's miracles, this next weekend my wife and I are going away on a second honeymoon. I cannot accurately put into words the gratitude.  

I did not finish your book. Once I got to the section for wives (when we men can listen in), I stopped - for my focus has shifted to how I can serve my wife, not how I can grouse about how she is not serving me.  

God is still in the business of healing the broken hearted IF we are willing to participate in the process. God saved our marriage, and it is solidly based on the Rock and on the twin pillars of love & respect. (Anonymous) 

What sin are you holding onto in your life? Without a doubt, the enemy will attempt to use unresolved sin to destroy your marriage. Sin never brings us the satisfaction we are longing for. Deal with it today – and find real satisfaction through repentance and reconciliation! 

~ Emerson 

“If we say that we have no sin, 

we are deceiving ourselves 

and the truth is not in us. 

 If we confess our sins, 

He is faithful and righteous 

to forgive us our sins 

and to cleanse us 

from all unrighteousness.” 

~1 John 1:8, 9 NASB 

Two Simple Things That Speak Romance to Her

Photo Credit

Men, you may not be as romantic as your wife (you sleep during the movie Sleepless in Seattle), but you are a man of honor, and a man of honor discerns the desires in the heart of his wife.

Let me recommend two things that feed the romance for her: she needs predictable face to face time with you and she wants periodic surprises.

Yes, I know for most men it isn’t romantic to sit and focus eye to eye with your wife while she shares her feelings (burdens), especially if you have heard it before.  However, the best way to energize your wife, and even turn her on, is to give her your full, undivided attention when she talks to you. For example, set aside some time each evening for this. Sarah and I used to sit for 15 minutes each evening while she shared her day with me.  She connected with me this way. I realized that Sarah had a need that I did not have, but I concluded that was ok.  I was happy to meet that need and she respected me for it!

   

Because you need less emotional connection does not mean your wife should feel as you feel.  One way to picture your marriage is with a line that has the word Involvement at one end and the word Independence at the other. In the typical marriage relationship, she leans more toward the “involvement” side (to connect!) and he leans more toward the “Independence” side.  I am talking about the bell curve here.  But here’s the deal. Men, when you get too independent (especially when you stonewall), she does not feel close to you and begins to feel you don’t love her.  As a man of honor are you willing to step toward her and give her more of your heart and involvement, even if it appears she talks in ways that feel too negative and complaining to you?  Truth is, you are the Christ-figure and she is casting her burden on you.  When you act in this honorable way, she will feel fond feelings of admiration for you. Can you give her this gift?

Another way a woman feels loved is by little surprises. To her, it means that you are thinking about her…and that means you love her. Men, do whatever you need to do to remind yourself of this simple principle! Set a reminder on your phone to surprise your wife with a text that simply says “I love you”…or pick up a rose on the way home from work…or give her a call and tell her you’re picking up dinner. The surprises can be as simple as that…they need not be complicated or expensive or take weeks of planning.

So, be predictable and be unpredictable!  Give her predictable time face to face and surprise her behind her back.

~Emerson

A Redeeming Love Story

Recently I learned of a blogger named Ange who posted a Love and Respect Testimonial on her blog for Valentine’s Day. Ange met the author of this testimony, Kristin, at her daughter’s preschool and invited her to a Love and Respect Video Conference. As I read this testimony, it brought tears to my eyes. I thought, if only someone like Ange had reached out to my Mom and Dad as she reached out to Kristin - maybe they wouldn’t have gone through such a tragic cycle of divorce, remarriage, and separation.

I never saw my Dad kiss my Mom, except one time, and it is vivid in my memory. But the precious and meaningful scene lost its gripping magnitude when I later learned my Dad had returned from an out of state trip with another woman, and his embracing kiss with Mom became hollow, not holy. Even so, Christ later called my Dad to Himself, and then later called him to heaven where Dad is free from all those things that contributed to him becoming the victim of the enemy. I never hated my Dad, nor did my Mom – nor did the Lord who found in my Dad a man that He wished to embrace, forever.

Here is Ange’s introduction to the testimony by Kristin. I share it with permission from all concerned. Thank you, Ange for sharing with someone you hardly knew. God used you to save their marriage! And thank you, Kristin and Tom, for opening your hearts to the truth of Love and Respect!

We salute you!
~Emerson


FEBRUARY 13, 2011
A Redeeming Love Story

In honor of Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I would share a little love story with you. First I'll give you some background. My husband and I are hosting a marriage conference in our city this year, it's called Love & Respect. We were first introduced to the message of Love & Respect about 6 years ago through some friends. It was a video series on marriage and it was phenomenal!

We hosted our first Love & Respect Marriage Conference last year and it was a hit!

While promoting the conference last year, I invited a lady from my daughter's preschool to attend the conference. We didn't really know each other but I'm not shy and so I just casually mentioned it to her. Here's the rest of the story, in her own words.............

A Love & Respect Testimonial

Wow, Love & Respect. Who would've thought that was the answer to a loving, lasting relationship! We are so blind.

My story, or our story I should say, starts with a 20 year marriage, four children and a life of the two of us being a complete blur.
I (Kristin) after having our fourth child and her turning four years of age, my life or my eyes just opened up like I just woke up to a bad dream. I mean I was living in a bad dream and couldn't get out of it. I was raising four kids, working as a school teacher of a classroom s

ize from 12-15 kids, then home doing all the home stuff. Something was missing, hmmm, what was it? Wow, a husband! Where is my husband?!? It was like he was or had just turned into one of the kids in my mind. I was the mother, the caretaker, the maid, you name it, that was me! Yuck!

I became very, very depressed and some days I don't even know how I functioned. When I did realize I needed my husband it was too late, he was already set in his ways of doing his thing, coming and going to work, having his fun with his buddies, you know the guy story and what guys do. But when they do get home, they want clean clothes and they want to eat! Wow, I felt as if I wasn't loved! So, after 20 years of marriage, I filed for divorce.

Our youngest was starting preschool; at a school I never thought I'd have one of our

children attend as all of them went to a Catholic school system. But, I think I was looking for a change, looking for something that would wake me up to something different, something to make me happy, to fill my void of not feeling loved!

One day after taking my daughter to this preschool class, a mother was talking to a group of ladies about her husband and some issues that they had. I opened my ears a little more thinking, this is interesting and I wish I had what that lady has, a smile on her face while talking

about her husband and that her husband loves her!!!

Ok, let me interject here, this is Ange again. I remember asking Kristen if she wanted to attend the marriage conference and she couldn't but she was interested in learning more about it, so I gave her the website address. Later that day she called me at home and wanted to know if I had the videos and if she could watch them, right away. Back to her story!

This lady who gave them to me had no idea who I was or if I even had any problems. I immediately called my husband at work, well soon to be ex-husband, and asked him "Do you feel respected, I mean respected by me?" I was shocked to his answer (now, I haven't talked to my husband in some time as he wasn't living at our residence anymore because of me filing for divorce), his answer was...NO!

I couldn't believe it, I immediately felt guilty for everything, my husband doesn't feel respected! With tears in my eyes, I was trying to tell him I had these videos I'd like to share with him. But I had no idea what they were really even about.
Now, this man of mine is a man who doesn't sit on the couch and watch videos, especially videos with the word Love, he'd run! He is also the kind of man that never holds your hand in public, kisses you in front of anyone or says I love you in front of someone, no way, out of the question!! Well he came over to watch the videos. I was so scared, I was shaking in my shoes. So I just plugged in the first one and cranked the volume.

To our surprise, we sat there not saying a word, just listening to what this Dr. Emerson had to say, he was so right about what he was saying! Women, respect your man and men, love your woman! So powerful and so true! I couldn't believe that my man was actually getting into it, quiet at times and then laughing, actually laughing! Oh, I was falling for this man all over again. A man I hated an hour ago, a man I've been married to for 20 years and filed for divorce on. All this man wanted was respect and I would get what I was yearning and looking for all these years from him, Love!
We watched all 5 videos that night!!!

We started doing things together and family things - a lot of family things. Plus, the two of us doing things together as a couple was a no-no in his book but now he asks me to be involved in everything he has going on and shares everything with me. We talk, we never did that before!

He never wore his wedding ring. One day, out of the blue he just said, "Kristin, it’s the coming of Easter and doesn't that mean a new beginning? Easter - rebirth?" I said, “Yes it does, what are you getting at?" He said he wanted to wear a new wedding ring not his old one and I would have a matching one for our new beginning!

He kisses me in front of our children. Our children have never seen that ever from us. They say "Oh! Gross!" and we kiss more. He says "I love you" to his children, that is something that would just never happen. All these firsts are so fresh that it's kind of scary.

For a man to do all this for his woman and family - something he has never done before and something he would never try because men just don't do that, he truly is a change

d man! He wants his wife and family sincerely from his heart!

With all this, I dismissed the divorce. We are reconciled and the rest is history!

One last thing, he never slept in our bed for the past 14 years. Don't ask me how we had children because I don't know! Now we sleep together in the same bed with him very tight next to me, holding my hand until we fall asleep. He also calls me every day from work to say "I love you."

I have tears as I write this- this all sounds too good to be true but it isn't, I'm living it! Thank you God!

So please, if you are struggling, watch Dr. Emerson, if he can wake us up, he can do the same for you. You are together for a reason - God brought you together for a reason. We still have issues and that comes in a marriage but now we work them out and understand where all the issues come from!

With Love & Respect,

Tom & Kristin

"Hope" Photo Credit: http://ow.ly/4tzTk

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 5 of 5}

He made us blue.

And he made us pink.

Not wrong.

Just different.

~Dr. Emerson Eggerichs~

In the final segment of this interview, Dr. E explains how the Energizing Cycle can apply to other relationships ~ singles, parents, children, and other family members.

{Click here to listen to Part 1}

{Click here to listen to Part 2}

{Click here to listen to Part 3}

{Click here to listen to Part 4}

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

To find a Love & Respect Marriage Conference near you,

please visit our website!

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 4 of 5}

Love sincerely.

Hate evil.

Hold on to what is good.

Be devoted to each other like a loving family.

Excel in showing respect for each other.

Don’t be lazy in showing your devotion.

Use your energy to serve the Lord.

Be happy in your confidence,

be patient in trouble,

& pray continually.

{Romans 12:9-12}

God's Word Tranlation

In Part 4 of this interview, Dr. E explains what honor and responsibility are to a man and shares with wives about how to write a "Respect Card" to show appreciation to their husbands. He also talks about the key to motivating another person, even in conflict.

{Click here to listen to Part 1}

{Click here to listen to Part 2}

{Click here to listen to Part 3}

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 3 of 5}

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions towards her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly. When a husband feels disrespected, it can provoke him so quickly he doesn't see his unloving reaction, which would be obvious to any woman.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these:

WE EASILY SEE WHAT IS DONE TO US

BEFORE WE SEE WHAT WE ARE DOING TO OUR MATE."

~Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

"Love & Respect"

page 69

In Part 3, Dr. E answers the question that women have about respecting men who don't deserve respect and when they don't feel any respect for their husbands.

{Click here to listen to Part 1}

{Click here to listen to Part 2}

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 2 of 5}

"It is more likely that a husband's love will motivate his wife's respect than his hate will. And it is more likely that a wife's respect will motivate her husband's love than her contempt will. However, there is no guarantee that love or respect will motivate, and that is the reason the word unconditional must be put in front of Love and Respect. In fact, the paradox is that Love and Respect can only really work if it is unconditional."

{Dr. Emerson Eggerichs}

"The Language of Love & Respect"

p. 158-159

Here is Part 2 where Dr. Eggerichs talks about how many women view Respect and what the "Issue" is when the issue isn't the "Issue".

{Click here to listen to Part 1}

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

An Interview With Dr. E {Part 1 of 5}

This week we invite you to listen (and share your reactions or questions in the comments) as Dr. Emerson Eggerichs talks about the secret that can revolutionize any marriage. This secret, "hidden in plain sight" for the last 2,000 years, can be found in the Bible in Ephesians 5:33.

As he says in his bestseller, Love and Respect,

Women need love.

Men need respect.

It's as simple and as complicated as that. EMERSON

Clip courtesy of KKHT Radio

Interview date: 17 February 2011

HE NEEDS RESPECT AND SHE NEEDS LOVE, OR IS IT?

When people hear that I promote the idea that a wife needs love and a husband needs respect, these people react to me as though I belong to the Neanderthal period. Immediately they softly scream, “But a wife needs respect and a husband needs love!"

I want to sarcastically retort, "Wow, you are so brilliant, I have never heard such a thing that a wife needs respect and a husband needs love. Thank you. I will have to rethink my whole position and rewrite my whole book because of your novel insight. I never heard this before. Thank you for being such a genius." Truth be told, I have to refrain from saying to them, "Hey, idiot, your village is calling. They want you to come back." Of course, I refrain from such words because I really don't believe the person is an idiot, and such words would be unloving and disespectful.

But, let's be clear. We all need love and respect. However, we feel the need for love and respect differently. Though we all have a true need for love and respect, a husband has a greater FELT NEED for respect and a wife has a greater FELT NEED for love. Put it this way, a husband needs food and water, food being love and water being respect. His wife is giving him food but he feels she is not giving him water. So, in saying that a husband needs water/respect, we are not saying he does not need food/ love.

For example, though a wife needs respect, there's not one card in the whole card industry from a husband to his wife that says, "Baby, I really respect you." She wants to hear love because this is her dominant felt need. The card industry has recognized this. People spend money on what they deeply value. If she had a felt need from her husband for respect to the extent that she has a felt need from her husband for love, there would be an equal number of cards in the card section expressing respect to wives. But these cards do not exist not because the card industry has refused to try to sell such cards but that wives did not want to receive these cards from their husbands. These wives had a felt need to hear the word LOVE, even though Aretha Franklin sang R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

In thinking of husbands, during marital conflict when the spirit of a husband deflates, rarely does his spirit deflate because he feels unloved. His felt need is for respect. When Decision Analysts, Inc., did a national survey on male-female relationships, I had the opportunity to contribute a question that was asked of a large representative sampling of men in America. The question read: Even the best relationships sometimes have conflicts on day-to-day issues. In the middle of a conflict with my wife/significant other, I am more likely to be feeling:

(a) that my wife/significant other doesn’t respect me right now.
(b) that my wife/significant other doesn’t love me right now.

Not surprisingly, 81.5 percent chose “(a) that my wife . . . doesn’t respect me right now.” Did you catch that? Almost 82% of all husbands feel disrespected during conflict. They do not say to their wives, "You don't love me!" This secular group, decision analysts, stood back in shock at these replies. In this day of political correctness, this cross sampling of the American male shows that men significantly filter their world through the respect grid, what I call their blue sunglasses. We can argue all day long that the men ought not to feel that way, but they do. Respect is a felt need, especially during conflict.

The same 400 men were given a choice between going through two different negative experiences. If they were forced to choose one of the following, which would they prefer to endure? a) to be left alone and unloved in the world b) to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. Seventy-four percent of these men said that if they were forced to choose, they would prefer being alone and unloved in the world.

Many women gasp at this answer. These women cannot identify with these men. They respond to these findings with, "What?! You have to be kidding. These men would rather be left alone and unloved?" Shaunti Feldhahn who did this research shared with me that she herself was in disbelief by what 74% of these men voiced. Many women have told me that they could not handle the idea of being left alone and unloved in the world. Furthermore, though these wives can feel disrespected during conflicts with their husbands, if their husbands continue to show disrespect during the conflict these wives eventually say, "How can you treat me disrespectfully week after week yet tell me that you love me? You don't even love me!" Whereas, the husbands when treated disrespectfully week after week will exclaim, "I don't deserve this disrespect. Everybody respects me but you."

She lands on love and he lands on respect. We cannot escape these FELT NEEDS. So, when we say that a husband needs respect we are saying in most marriages that he has a felt need for respect (especially during conflict), and when we say that a wife needs love we are saying in most marriages that she has a felt need for love ("Tell me that you love me!").

Said another way,a wife does herself a huge favor during conflict if she asks herself, "Is that which I'm about to say going to feel disrespectful to my husband?" If she can soften her negative reaction and try to come across more respectfully, her husband will probably move toward her emotionally to connect. And a husband does himself a huge favor when he senses his wife is feeling insecure about his love by doing something positive, even surprising, that sends a message that she is special to him.

We can argue all day long that a husband ought not to feel disrespected during a conflict and a wife ought not to feel insecure about her husband's love. But if we pay attention to research and common sense, not to suggest Ephesians 5:33, we can prevent ourselves from experiencing a lot of headaches and heartaches.

Copyright Emerson