What I Know Now: Newly Married Ladies and Joy’s Response to Sad Stories

(Originally posted by Joy Eggerichs at Love and Respect Now blog ~ reposted with enthusiastic permission!)

In case you’re just tuning in, we’re smack dab in the middle of the What I Know Now series. My hope for all these parental interviews is to highlight the importance of asking questions and seeking counsel—we have so much to learn from those who’ve gone before us.

Think of it as an echo of The Illumination Project song, an opening band to the main show, a slice of apple pie before the main course.

(Which doesn’t really apply because I don’t love pie and would rather eat two main courses than a dessert. Just me?)

Anyway, my momma is here today sharing wisdom with those of you who have recently tied the knot and are living the dream of #newlymarriedbliss. For my parents, that dream involved being best friends and taping together carpet squares.

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

Want to hear what Emerson had to say to newly married men? Check it out HERE.

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Questions

What does it mean to put friendship first in a marriage?

What other advice would you give newly married ladies?

Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.

A Friendly Father’s Day Gift

Photo Credit

If you have a father, a husband who is a father, or even a brother you would like to honor on Father’s Day, I have a simple idea for you.

Be friendly.

That’s it.  Be friendly toward the man you want to honor this Father’s Day.

What do I mean?  Well, it’s as simple as it sounds.  As a man, I can tell you most of us are pretty simple.  We like simplicity in our homes and in our relationships.  Less conflict…more friendliness.

As a Dad, I remember the days when my children were young and they ran to the door to greet me, in all their enthusiasm. It was a simple gesture – but something I looked forward to at the end of a long day. 

In the same way, I like when Sarah is happy to see me and greets me with a friendly smile.  Just that simple act can ease any tension that might be in the air between us. In fact, you can change the entire atmosphere in your home by simply lessening the negativity and adapting a friendlier tone.

This is something you can do towards your Dad as well. This Father’s Day, how about giving Dad a call and in a friendly, light-hearted way, tell him one thing you enjoy about him?  Don’t go on and on…just keep it simple!  Or, if you are fortunate enough to see him, greet him with a friendly tone even if there is a history of tension between you.  Make an effort to ask him about his hobbies or his work, and then listen with genuine interest. 

This Father’s Day, try a bit of friendliness on the important men in your life.  It just might be the best gift they receive!

~Emerson

*For more on this topic, check out our new Women’s DVD Study, Respectfully Yours. 

WOMEN, TRY SOME “SHOULDER TO SHOULDER” TIME!

Women often express, "I dream of my husband and me having an emotional connection. I want to know his heart and feelings, and for him to know mine. I want him to listen to me and understand me. I have tried to discuss my needs with him but he doesn’t seem to get it, and I can see him getting discouraged when I surface this issue with him.”

Maybe I can offer some thoughts.

Study male friendship. Look at how men interact with each other and then look at how women interact with each other. Women get together and talk about their heart issues and relationships. They get together for that purpose. Men, on the other hand, get together to do or watch some activity. As these men do shoulder to shoulder activities with a good friend, they relax and feel comfortable to talk about the deeper issues confronting them. They do not do this with every man with whom they do shoulder to shoulder activities, but only those with whom they experience a special camaraderie and trust.

With your man, try spending time just "being together" without an agenda to talk or interact. Yes, I know that appears to be a waste of time. If you can’t talk face to face, sitting shoulder to shoulder watching a football game seems silly. However, that's thinking about your relationship with your pink brain. There's nothing wrong with your pink brain. God made you this way and it is good in his sight. God also made your husband to think about things with his blue brain! If you want your husband to experience a sense of bonding with you, you have to give him shoulder to shoulder time. For some reason, when you do this authentically, your husband opens up various compartments to you. That does not mean spend 15 minutes with him and then turn to him and say “Talk to me.” This is not some formula to get him to meet your emotional needs. This is a way of respecting who he is as an end in itself, but a byproduct is that when he feels more confident about your friendship -- that you like him -- he typically shares more of what's going on inside of him.

If you pressure your husband to talk face to face and he feels the nature of the conversation is negative or critical, he loses energy to respond. Why? You never used to be this way. Think back to when you were dating. He saw you as someone fun to be with, and someone who liked him for who he was. He saw you as a positive, friendly person rather than a woman who had expectations of him to perform in a certain way in order to make her happy.

So, do you just put a sock in your mouth and watch football with him and never talk? No, you reach across the aisle and do the shoulder to shoulder activities. See it as something that fills his respect tank, and when you fill his respect tank, he turns to you and says something from his heart. And, he’ll listen to your heart. If you look around at those couples that really enjoy each other, I predict this wife gets this. She has made a decision to give her husband shoulder to shoulder time, and at some point (never as quickly as she wants) her husband turns to her face to face and talks. He might even ask, “So how are you feeling?” It is actually kinda simple once you understand the blue brain.