FAQ: It takes two, doesn’t it?

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“My spouse is not willing to work on our marriage.  Doesn’t it take two to fix a marriage?”

That is what the world wants you to believe, but biblically we find something different.

 

A spouse shuts down on the marriage because his/her needs have gone unmet.  They’ve given up.  But you have the key to your spouse’s heart!  The key to motivating another person is meeting that person’s deepest need, especially during conflict.

What is your spouse’s deepest need?  Ephesians 5:33 reveals this secret:  “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (NIV).  Note that this verse does not say that you must love or respect only if you receive the same.  What it does say is that a husband is to love, and a wife is to respect.  Period.

Furthermore, 1 Peter 3:1 says a wife can win her disobedient husband without a word, but with her respectful behavior.  What did Peter know about men?  That unconditional respect melts a husband’s heart.

And Hosea 3:1 says, “The Lord said to me, ‘Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress.  Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites.’” What did the Lord know about women?  That unconditional love melts even the hardest of hearts!

Bottom line:  Do not wait for your spouse to join in to help “fix” your marriage. Even though your marriage feels hopeless to you, it is not hopeless to God!   It takes God and one willing heart. I have seen hundreds of marriages come back together, even after one of the spouses has given up.

Remember your response is your responsibility.  By seeking to meet your spouse’s needs first, you determine to be the more mature partner.  Is this fair?  No.  Is it effective?  Yes, more often than not.  Of course there are exceptions – there are no guarantees.  Some spouses choose evil over good and refuse to give in.  But if anything will work, the Love and Respect Connection will!

Trust that God will do something as you step out in faith. This isn’t natural, so surround yourself with godly accountability partners who will support and encourage you in this, and pray for you.  

~Emerson

FAQ: Things are getting worse! What now?

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“My marriage seems to be getting worse, not better, since I have been trying to respect my husband.  He seems to be even angrier with me.  Help!”

There are times when your marriage seems to get worse when you begin to apply Ephesians 5:33. Why? Your obedience could be bringing your spouse under the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Don’t be fooled into thinking it is not working. On the contrary, God is moving in your spouse’s heart and they may not like it very much. Minimize any negativity and sarcasm that may come from them during this time. Just because they say hurtful things doesn’t mean they are true. 

Obviously I don’t know what is going on in the heart of your husband, but it could be that he is afraid to trust that this is for real.  When a man gets a taste of the respect that he desires deep down in his soul, it is almost too good to be true. If there has been a history of that lacking in his marriage, he is confused.  He’s not sure what is going on!  He may revert to his old comfort zone, hiding behind sarcasm and a thick wall of defense.  It may take some time to break down that wall.

If you keep your eyes on doing this unto Christ, it will be easier to stay the course. Some people find it helps to picture Christ standing behind the shoulder of their spouse during a conflict, to keep their eyes on Him and not their spouse’s reaction.  This is what I call the Rewarded Cycle and this is where you must focus! Trust that God can speak louder to your spouse’s heart than you can. Focus more on being consistent over the long haul, and less on how your spouse is reacting.  

~Emerson

For more information on The Rewarded Cycle, read Dr. Emerson’s book, Love and Respect, or check out the Love & Respect Conference CD’s or DVD’s.

A Different Valentine’s Day Story…

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Valentine’s Day is one of those special days like Christmas…it’s all about showing love to those who are the most special to us.  We know we should love Valentine’s Day and we should look forward to it with great anticipation.  

But many of us don’t.

For men, the pressure can be huge.  How can we measure up to the female expectation out there?  We come to dread the day.

For women, it often feels like a set-up for disappointment when we don’t get anything romantic from that special someone.  Or... worse yet…we don’t even have a special someone who loves us romantically.  We get depressed thinking about it.

Awhile back I heard from a man who experienced a big problem with Valentine’s Day. He wrote asking how he could “fix” this problem and together we figured out how to turn a losing situation into a win-win.  Read on for a different kind of Valentine’s story.

Dear Dr E,
My wife and I were always on the Crazy Cycle and ended up separated for 2 years.  During this time she gave me your book.  I read the whole book in two nights…it really opened my eyes to a great deal of the problems that we were facing.  So I took your advice and began a new chapter in our lives.  I went to my wife, told her I was sorry for all my words and actions that I did that were unloving to her.  I also told her that some of her past words and actions were disrespectful to me but that I should have talked to her about them at the time instead of keeping things bottled up (stonewalling).  I know the road is going to be long and hard, but for the first time in the past 2 years I see real hope for us.

Here is my SERIOUS problem.  I moved out of the house on February 14th…Yep, Valentine’s Day.  On the day I moved out I wasn’t thinking at all about it being Valentine’s Day, and now every February 14^th brings back hurt and pain to both of us.  Do you have any recommendation at all as to how we should deal with future Valentine’s Days so that we can reclaim that day as one of love and respect? 

Emerson says: Your words are a powerful testimony.  In answer to your question, here is one thought. The Bible says, “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more (Romans 5:20).”  In your case, see the sinful Valentine’s Day as a day also that resulted in God’s grace coming to you in a greater way.

Because that Valentine’s Day was so sinful to you, see that as something which triggered God’s grace.  Your sin, as bad as it was, resulted in you seeking God’s forgiveness and your wife’s.  The irony is this:  because of your sin, you experienced God’s grace.

Let me insert, the critics of Paul, who wrote Romans 5:20, said that he was encouraging people to sin in order to receive God's grace. But Paul countered in Romans 6:1,2, "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be!" In other words, when we sin, God's grace can come. But we don't sin in order for God's grace to come.

In your case, you sinned and sought God's forgiveness. As a result, God has given you a greater grace. So, in that sense, thank God for Valentine's Day. Consequently, each time Valentine's Day reminds you of your sin, go one step further and let it remind you that you have God's greater grace.

The cross of Jesus was a cruel and evil means of execution but God turned the cross into the means of redemption. Let God take your sin and turn it into something good.
~Emerson

This husband took this challenge as a man of honor.  He responded:  “I will strive to make every Valentine's Day from here on out my personal day of redemption.  I will strive to show my wife that although I sinned, I have repented and will use each and every Valentine's Day to show her that.  Thank you.”

How about you?  Does Valentine’s Day hold bad memories for you?  Will you vow to turn this day of “love” into a day of redemption?  No matter what your situation, thank God for His forgiveness and grace!  Let this Valentine’s Day be a new beginning for you…whether this means starting anew in your relationship, or releasing bitterness over a past relationship.  Extend forgiveness whether it is towards yourself or towards your loved one.  Our God is a God of redemption…even on Valentine’s Day!

Happy Love & Respect Valentine’s Day to all!

~Emerson

          

FAQ: Why Isn’t This Working?

“I have been obedient to Ephesians 5:33 for a few months. Nothing is changing in my marriage.  Why isn’t this working?”

My encouragement to you is to be consistent and do not give up! Love and respect is not a “magic bullet” nor is it a vending machine:  “If I love her, she’ll give me respect immediately!”  Or – “If I respect him, he’ll immediately give me the love I want!”

Don’t expect immediate results.  Also, check your motivation.  If your spouse senses that you are manipulating him/her in any way, this will backfire.  Of course we all want to see results, but ultimately our motivation needs to be our obedience to Christ and His design for marriage.  He will honor our efforts, but it may not always look exactly like we want it to, or happen in our time frame.

Furthermore, depending on your marital history, things don’t change overnight when there has been a pattern of unloving and disrespectful behavior.  You need to learn to trust one another again.  Does your spouse trust you?  If not, this will take more time.  For example, if you have been unloving for 5 years, it could take 5 months of fairly consistent loving behavior to turn things around.  Likewise, if you have been disrespectful for 10 years, it could take 10 months of fairly consistent respectful behavior to turn things around, etc.  The point is…this is not a magic bullet…and it takes time to rebuild trust.

We all fail at this.  None of us are loving and respectful all of the time - not even me and Sarah!  When you fail, seek forgiveness from your spouse, then get back up and try again.  Your spouse will eventually see your heart.

Remember – love and respect is God’s design for marriage (Ephesians 5:33).  If you love Christ, do this unto Him and He will reward you, either here on earth or in eternity.  If you struggle to be consistent, ask yourself if you have a crisis of faith, rather than a crisis in your marriage.  Do you believe that God is good?  Do you believe that He can heal your marriage?  Focus on doing your part, and trust God to do what only He can do in the heart of your spouse and in your marriage.

~Emerson

“I confronted…nothing changed…now what?”

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Q:  What if I have respectfully confronted my husband but he continues in his addiction? His drinking is destroying our family!

Dr. E says:  As you know, giving advice through email is not the ideal.  I desire to serve you with godly wisdom, yet realize I don't have all the pieces, and have not heard both sides.  Please keep this in mind as I attempt to help within these limitations.

If your husband is refusing to deal with his addiction, you may need to give an ultimatum. As I have said, unconditional respect means you come across respectfully as you confront his unacceptable behavior, but it also means you set healthy boundaries.  For example, you can say respectfully, "It is time to deal with this. I believe in you, this is why I married you. But you are not acting like the man of honor I believe you long to be.  Until you get help for your drinking, I would not be respecting you if I just look the other way while your drinking destroys our family.  We need to separate (not divorce) until you let me know of your decision to seek help and for us to address these matters with a third party." 

This ultimatum should only be made after you have respectfully confronted him and asked him to get help, and he has refused. Before you do this, you must decide what your plan of action is going to be, and there must be a plan of action, or the situation will remain the same. To ignore the problem would be enabling, which contributes to the problem.  God’s Word does not advocate enabling sin but rather just the opposite. The apostle Paul warns us to not participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead expose them.  NOT confronting sinful behavior can lead to enabling that behavior, allowing it to continue. 

Again, you must have a plan of action which could include an ultimatum for him getting help for his addiction, or he leaves for a time of separation (not divorce).  The details of this are something you should work out with Godly counsel – someone who is for your marriage and will come alongside you to support you in tough love and respectful confrontation.  You must protect yourself and your children.  Do not confront him alone if you fear his reaction. 

I am well aware of the devastation that addictive behavior brings to marriages.  I do not wish to minimize this in any way. This is sinful behavior that Christ would not have you tolerate.  If you need additional help to confront this, please seek out wise Godly counsel. 

~Emerson

Respectful Confrontation for the "Three A's"...

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Q: It seems like the principles of love and respect are too simplistic.  For example, how can you respect a spouse who is committing adultery, has addictions, or is abusive?

Dr E says:  Let’s not confuse unconditional love or respect with condoning sinful behavior! 

We must separate the sin from the sinner.  Jesus hates sin, yet he loves the sinner.  We are called to do the same. Jesus intends for us to care enough to confront sin.  As unpleasant as confrontation might prove to be, refusing to confront may prove more unpleasant.  A spouse’s sin might worsen. The cliché “forgiving is forgetting” might undermine God’s intention for you.  This is especially true when dealing with destructive behaviors such as adultery, addiction, and abuse. God’s Word does not advocate enabling sin but rather the opposite. The apostle Paul warns us to not participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead expose them. 

Possessing a forgiving spirit demonstrates Christlikeness but ignoring a spouse’s sin might evidence cowardice. How absurd for you to close your eyes to your spouse’s affair, abuse of the children, or cocaine use.  When you suppress the truth about your spouse’s sin, this does not constitute forgiveness.

However, the key is to confront the sin respectfully and lovingly, not with contempt or harshness, which always backfires. Contempt and harshness only heap more shame on the offending spouse, which drives them deeper into the sin as a way of escape.  So I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to do this with respect! 

But how? Your words, tone of voice, and nonverbal actions should all portray love and respect for your spouse who is created in the image of God. You see their heart that desires to be free, but is weakened by sin.  It is this person you respect, not the behavior that he/she falls into. 

Finally, remember that love and respect is not a magic bullet that erases all sin and conflict.  It is acting in obedience to God's word, regardless of the behavior of our spouse. But at the same time, NOT confronting sinful behavior can lead to enabling that behavior, allowing it to continue.

In my book, The Language of Love and Respect, I address these issues specifically in the Appendix entitled "Forgiving - but also Confronting - the Three A's: Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction."  Also in this book, I include a chapter on Good Will vs Evil Will, and Forgiveness.

In addition, I recommend that you turn to a pastor, a Christian counselor, or some other authority capable to assist.  Do not put this off.  Plan a way to confront the adultery, abuse or addiction.  There are many groups ready to serve you.

~Emerson

What if We Are an Exception to Pink and Blue? Part 2

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In the next several weeks, I’ll share with you the most frequently asked questions we get at Love & Respect Ministries.  Last week I responded to the concern of those who feel like they are an exception to the “pink and blue” analogy I often use.  

Here’s how one young couple learned to unpack their unique conflict style and turn it into a win-win: 

My wife and I, who have been married since 2009 have been incredibly blessed by Love & Respect. During our engagement we watched the L&R video conference and it was life changing. It was especially life changing for me because I could nail down why I was feeling the way I did during even the smallest of conflicts…One thing that we did notice is how different we are in some areas that are typically generalized for men and women. In the conference and book, Dr. Eggerichs talks about how men stonewall and women confront during a disagreement. Well, our marriage has proved to be very different; I guess we could be considered a minority.

During a disagreement I am the confronter and my wife is the stonewaller. When she feels unloved she needs time and space to process, and goes off into another room. I, on the other hand, tend to chase after her trying to resolve the issue. Through our time together we've learned to adjust to how the other responds.

I am proud to be a “minority,” but am also thankful that we learned our differences and how to apply them through L&R. We're both stubborn and get defensive very quickly in a disagreement, but are both aware of our flaws and tend to resolve our issues shortly after they begin. We are a volatile couple and are thankful because it just increases our love and respect for each other after every bout we have. We thank God for introducing us to L&R and for continually reminding us both what the other needs, unconditionally. (JS)

I always love hearing from young couples who figure this stuff out early in their marriage! But even if you’ve been married over 35 years like me and Sarah, you can keep learning how to make your marriage better. Conflict will always be a part of relationships, but focusing on the Love & Respect connection helps us minimize and resolve these conflicts more effectively.

~Emerson