January 11, 2012

What if We Are an Exception to Pink and Blue? Part 2

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In the next several weeks, I’ll share with you the most frequently asked questions we get at Love & Respect Ministries.  Last week I responded to the concern of those who feel like they are an exception to the “pink and blue” analogy I often use.  

Here’s how one young couple learned to unpack their unique conflict style and turn it into a win-win: 

My wife and I, who have been married since 2009 have been incredibly blessed by Love & Respect. During our engagement we watched the L&R video conference and it was life changing. It was especially life changing for me because I could nail down why I was feeling the way I did during even the smallest of conflicts…One thing that we did notice is how different we are in some areas that are typically generalized for men and women. In the conference and book, Dr. Eggerichs talks about how men stonewall and women confront during a disagreement. Well, our marriage has proved to be very different; I guess we could be considered a minority.
During a disagreement I am the confronter and my wife is the stonewaller. When she feels unloved she needs time and space to process, and goes off into another room. I, on the other hand, tend to chase after her trying to resolve the issue. Through our time together we've learned to adjust to how the other responds.
I am proud to be a “minority,” but am also thankful that we learned our differences and how to apply them through L&R. We're both stubborn and get defensive very quickly in a disagreement, but are both aware of our flaws and tend to resolve our issues shortly after they begin. We are a volatile couple and are thankful because it just increases our love and respect for each other after every bout we have. We thank God for introducing us to L&R and for continually reminding us both what the other needs, unconditionally. (JS)

I always love hearing from young couples who figure this stuff out early in their marriage! But even if you’ve been married over 35 years like me and Sarah, you can keep learning how to make your marriage better. Conflict will always be a part of relationships, but focusing on the Love & Respect connection helps us minimize and resolve these conflicts more effectively.


Anonymous said...

If the husband cannot love himself the wife cannot respond with respect
Much of your advice is simplistic, as you have said .

Anonymous said...

Your advice is inverted. The husband must love the wife as Christ loved the church. The wife is a responder. The husband is a leader. Much of your advice could lead to a man feeling free to verbally abuse his spouse because you put much of the responsibility upon the wife rather than the husband.
The husband needs to lovingly cherish his wife.if the husband does not cherish his wife the wife should seek third party support so that she is kept unblemished and unstained as Christ will one day present the church as such.

msrita said...

I disagree with the previous poster and I think you/he/she may have missed what eles EWmerson said. By being the head or the 51% in the relationship it gives the man final vote true; but it also gives him the responsibility to protect even to the point of his death, guide with good will and good ententions and cherish the wife as a precious gift from God. No where does that mean or even suggest he could or should abuse that power, that would not be the christlike thing to do. Men who are leaders need to be leaders as Christ not as the macho beast hollywood portrays.

Anonymous said...

So what happens if I am a man and my greatest felt need during conflict is for love? I'm left with the impression that if I don't fit the love-respect mould, that there is something wrong with me. Is that the case? And if so, what am I supposed to do about it?

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