At
times I receive mail or personal inquiries at our conferences to the
effect: "We don't fit your
description of husband and wife. She is the one who stonewalls, and he is the one
who 'lets it all hang out.'”
My
answer is that cultural and personal applications can vary. I use general examples that apply to the
majority, but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you if you fall
into the minority. We are all uniquely
different.
My parents were a good example. My father
would come at my mother ranting and raving in anger - confronting her because
he wanted to communicate. She simply shut down and withdrew. Then he would
withdraw also, and there would be icy silence for many hours and sometimes days.
Both
my parents wanted to connect with each other, but they could not out of
ignorance or fear. Mom longed to connect with Dad (as every woman wants to
connect with her husband), but she would pull back because she feared his
anger. And Dad wanted to connect with Mom, but his feelings of being
disrespected (she was the key breadwinner for many years) kept him in a state
of frustration and anger. At the deepest core, however, my mother still was
seeking love and my father was seeking respect.
We
get other inquiries regarding "exceptions." For example, a woman
wrote to tell me that in certain aspects of personality her husband was more
"pink" than "blue" and she was more "blue" than
"pink." She was reared in a home dominated by her father's values: education,
intelligence, strength, pride, and lack of emotions. She wrote:
"Subsequently, as I became a woman, I thought that to be loved (the kind
of love that would touch the core of my being), I had to seek recognition for
all the things that came naturally to 'blue' instead of to 'pink.'" On the
other hand, her husband was raised in a very warm, nurturing environment, full
of unconditional love. "So naturally," she continued, "[he] grew
up with a HIGH regard for those very 'pink' tendencies that made him feel so
complete and unconditionally loved."
In
short, this wife focused on "respect" in order to get love. Her
husband focused on "love" in order to get respect. Until I helped
them unpack their puzzle, she thought respect was her deepest value and he thought
love was his deepest value. In truth, he was doing "the pink thing"
to get respect, and she was doing "the blue thing" to be loved.
The
constants are this: during conflict, awoman’s deepest need is to feel loved and a husband’s deepest need is to feelrespected. The variables are how each
individual reacts and responds to conflict, out of their temperament or their
past learned behavior. The key to effective marital communication is to learn
how to unpack your unique puzzle! More
on that next time!
1 comment:
Excellent points. People need to understand that there are aspects of "Pink" and "Blue" that are hard coded into us and can not be changed by environment and culture. Blue may learn to act pink and even appreciate a pink perspective, but at a physiological level he is true blue. It is that deep physiological level that makes him desire respect most of all.
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