March 4, 2010

Blue Sunglasses

As a husband, you notice matters of honor.

The movie Saving Private Ryan, about the invasion of Normandy, tears you up as you fixate on the incredible heroism.

You follow the world champion sports team, feeling part of these guys who say, "We respect one another more than anybody on the planet. We'd do anything for one another. One for all, all for one! We're going to be number 1 again!"

The note from your growing son that says, "Dad, I respect you more than anybody" penetrates your heart like few things. That card is kept as gold.

The Purple Heart you won in the Gulf War sits on your shelf. A picture of your war buddy who gave his life that you might live is center stage in your home study.

These things are about "strength and honor," the phrase from the movie The Gladiator. God designed men to be so moved by honor that they give their very lives. Men serve and die for honor.

You look at the world through blue sunglasses. You see the presence of respect. You scout for it. You can find it without looking for it. We believe God designed you this way.

Ephesians 5:33 commands wives to respect their husbands. Husbands need to feel respected. Husbands look to be respected. Respect colors what husbands see.

Conversely, men can be destroyed by contempt. Men pick up on the absence of respect. He looks at the world through blue sunglasses. Not wrong – just different.

Friends, a wife needs to feel loved for who she is. A husband needs to feel respected for who he is.

A husband has two choices. He can either condemn his wife for her pink lenses, or he can appreciate God's design of her pink outlook. And, I might add, if he seeks to see through her pink lenses, she tends to engage him on his blue perspective. If he is sensitive to her need for love, he can appeal to her to soften her disrespectful reactions.

A wife can either judge her husband's blue lenses as stupid, or thank God for His design of this man. Too, if she seeks to see through his blue lenses, he tends to respond to her pink perspective. If she is aware of his maleness, she can appeal to him to be tenderer in his reactions.

Who is right and who is wrong? A husband is right when needing to feel respected. He is wrong when reacting in unloving ways.

A wife is right when needing to feel loved. She is wrong when reacting in disrespectful ways.

A beautiful discovery a couple can make is this: my spouse is not wrong just different. Pink is not wrong for being pink. She is simply different from blue. Blue is not wrong for being blue. He is simply different from pink.

The Love and Respect message enables couples to put on the other's sunglasses during conflicts.


Anonymous said...

"...a wife needs to feel loved for who she is. A husband needs to feel respected for who he is."

I don't see this as saying anything significantly different. Disrespect is not loving, and insensitivity or apathy is disrespectful. A wife can just as easily pick up on contempt and may define it as "unloving", and it would be because contempt is not loving but disrespectful.

In the previous blog entry, the exchange at the end of the post by each spouse was disrespectful which is not conducive to a respectful, loving environment. The wife's snarky comment about "holding hands" was disrespectful and the author even said the husband's retort was insensitive (i.e. disrespectful). If either the wife or the husband is communicating in a disrespectful tone, they are not communicating in love. If either spouse is esteeming the other by speaking in love, they are speaking respectfully.

Eph 5 is not communicating men have an innate desire or need to be shown respect, and, by contrast, women have an innate desire or need to feel loved. The desire to be held in high esteem (loved/respected) particularly by our spouse "for who he is" or "for who she is" is not gendered but is an innate desire shared by both.

Anonymous said...

Love this book and I am recommending it to many! Even blogged about it! I am giving it as gifts too!

Thank you!

Elliott Broidy said...

great points

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