When All Hope Was Gone…a Husband Loves His Wife Back

If we listen to the culture, we could feel pretty hopeless about marriage. But those of us who are Christ followers, have HOPE – as the Johnson’s shared in my last blog. Allow me to share one more hope story…this time from a husband who had thrown his marriage away by failing to deal with his sin.

As a result of my abusive past 40 years ago with a myriad of issues I had never faced, I had become verbally abusive to a degree I had never been. God led me to heart-rending repentance and I experienced a healing of my heart in a way I had never experienced in my 30 + years as a "professing" Christian.  

But my marriage had failed. My wife had left me and candidly, she no longer had emotional feelings for me - and rightly so. We have lived apart since.  

Despite where I was and where we were, you challenged me to AGAPE my wife. As a result of this and God's miracles, this next weekend my wife and I are going away on a second honeymoon. I cannot accurately put into words the gratitude.  

I did not finish your book. Once I got to the section for wives (when we men can listen in), I stopped - for my focus has shifted to how I can serve my wife, not how I can grouse about how she is not serving me.  

God is still in the business of healing the broken hearted IF we are willing to participate in the process. God saved our marriage, and it is solidly based on the Rock and on the twin pillars of love & respect. (Anonymous) 

What sin are you holding onto in your life? Without a doubt, the enemy will attempt to use unresolved sin to destroy your marriage. Sin never brings us the satisfaction we are longing for. Deal with it today – and find real satisfaction through repentance and reconciliation! 

~ Emerson 

“If we say that we have no sin, 

we are deceiving ourselves 

and the truth is not in us. 

 If we confess our sins, 

He is faithful and righteous 

to forgive us our sins 

and to cleanse us 

from all unrighteousness.” 

~1 John 1:8, 9 NASB 

“I confronted…nothing changed…now what?”

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Q:  What if I have respectfully confronted my husband but he continues in his addiction? His drinking is destroying our family!

Dr. E says:  As you know, giving advice through email is not the ideal.  I desire to serve you with godly wisdom, yet realize I don't have all the pieces, and have not heard both sides.  Please keep this in mind as I attempt to help within these limitations.

If your husband is refusing to deal with his addiction, you may need to give an ultimatum. As I have said, unconditional respect means you come across respectfully as you confront his unacceptable behavior, but it also means you set healthy boundaries.  For example, you can say respectfully, "It is time to deal with this. I believe in you, this is why I married you. But you are not acting like the man of honor I believe you long to be.  Until you get help for your drinking, I would not be respecting you if I just look the other way while your drinking destroys our family.  We need to separate (not divorce) until you let me know of your decision to seek help and for us to address these matters with a third party." 

This ultimatum should only be made after you have respectfully confronted him and asked him to get help, and he has refused. Before you do this, you must decide what your plan of action is going to be, and there must be a plan of action, or the situation will remain the same. To ignore the problem would be enabling, which contributes to the problem.  God’s Word does not advocate enabling sin but rather just the opposite. The apostle Paul warns us to not participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead expose them.  NOT confronting sinful behavior can lead to enabling that behavior, allowing it to continue. 

Again, you must have a plan of action which could include an ultimatum for him getting help for his addiction, or he leaves for a time of separation (not divorce).  The details of this are something you should work out with Godly counsel – someone who is for your marriage and will come alongside you to support you in tough love and respectful confrontation.  You must protect yourself and your children.  Do not confront him alone if you fear his reaction. 

I am well aware of the devastation that addictive behavior brings to marriages.  I do not wish to minimize this in any way. This is sinful behavior that Christ would not have you tolerate.  If you need additional help to confront this, please seek out wise Godly counsel. 

~Emerson

Respectful Confrontation for the "Three A's"...

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Q: It seems like the principles of love and respect are too simplistic.  For example, how can you respect a spouse who is committing adultery, has addictions, or is abusive?

Dr E says:  Let’s not confuse unconditional love or respect with condoning sinful behavior! 

We must separate the sin from the sinner.  Jesus hates sin, yet he loves the sinner.  We are called to do the same. Jesus intends for us to care enough to confront sin.  As unpleasant as confrontation might prove to be, refusing to confront may prove more unpleasant.  A spouse’s sin might worsen. The cliché “forgiving is forgetting” might undermine God’s intention for you.  This is especially true when dealing with destructive behaviors such as adultery, addiction, and abuse. God’s Word does not advocate enabling sin but rather the opposite. The apostle Paul warns us to not participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead expose them. 

Possessing a forgiving spirit demonstrates Christlikeness but ignoring a spouse’s sin might evidence cowardice. How absurd for you to close your eyes to your spouse’s affair, abuse of the children, or cocaine use.  When you suppress the truth about your spouse’s sin, this does not constitute forgiveness.

However, the key is to confront the sin respectfully and lovingly, not with contempt or harshness, which always backfires. Contempt and harshness only heap more shame on the offending spouse, which drives them deeper into the sin as a way of escape.  So I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to do this with respect! 

But how? Your words, tone of voice, and nonverbal actions should all portray love and respect for your spouse who is created in the image of God. You see their heart that desires to be free, but is weakened by sin.  It is this person you respect, not the behavior that he/she falls into. 

Finally, remember that love and respect is not a magic bullet that erases all sin and conflict.  It is acting in obedience to God's word, regardless of the behavior of our spouse. But at the same time, NOT confronting sinful behavior can lead to enabling that behavior, allowing it to continue.

In my book, The Language of Love and Respect, I address these issues specifically in the Appendix entitled "Forgiving - but also Confronting - the Three A's: Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction."  Also in this book, I include a chapter on Good Will vs Evil Will, and Forgiveness.

In addition, I recommend that you turn to a pastor, a Christian counselor, or some other authority capable to assist.  Do not put this off.  Plan a way to confront the adultery, abuse or addiction.  There are many groups ready to serve you.

~Emerson