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Q: It seems like the
principles of love and respect are too simplistic. For example, how can you respect a spouse who
is committing adultery, has addictions, or is abusive?
Dr E says: Let’s not confuse unconditional love or
respect with condoning sinful behavior!
We must separate the sin from the sinner. Jesus hates sin, yet he loves the
sinner. We are called to do the same.
Jesus intends for us to care enough to confront sin. As unpleasant as confrontation might prove to
be, refusing to confront may prove more unpleasant. A spouse’s sin might worsen. The cliché
“forgiving is forgetting” might undermine God’s intention for you. This is especially true when dealing with
destructive behaviors such as adultery, addiction, and abuse. God’s Word does not
advocate enabling sin but rather the opposite. The apostle Paul warns us to not
participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead expose them.
Possessing a forgiving spirit demonstrates Christlikeness
but ignoring a spouse’s sin might evidence cowardice. How absurd for you to
close your eyes to your spouse’s affair, abuse of the children, or cocaine
use. When you suppress the truth about
your spouse’s sin, this does not constitute forgiveness.
However, the key is to confront the sin respectfully and
lovingly, not with contempt or harshness, which always backfires. Contempt and
harshness only heap more shame on the offending spouse, which drives them
deeper into the sin as a way of escape.
So I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to do this with
respect!
But how? Your words, tone of voice, and nonverbal actions
should all portray love and respect for your spouse who is created in the image
of God. You see their heart that desires to be free, but is weakened by
sin. It is this person you respect, not
the behavior that he/she falls into.
Finally, remember that love and respect is not a magic
bullet that erases all sin and conflict.
It is acting in obedience to God's word, regardless of the behavior of
our spouse. But at the same time, NOT confronting sinful behavior can lead to
enabling that behavior, allowing it to continue.
In my book, The Language of Love and Respect, I address these issues specifically in the
Appendix entitled "Forgiving - but also Confronting - the Three A's: Adultery,
Abuse, and Addiction." Also in this
book, I include a chapter on Good Will vs Evil Will, and Forgiveness.
In
addition, I recommend that you turn to a pastor, a Christian counselor, or some
other authority capable to assist. Do
not put this off. Plan a way to confront
the adultery, abuse or addiction. There are many groups ready to serve you.
